How to Derail a Wank
Step One: Post a lengthy comment—anonymously, of course—about how your previously wanked friend recently committed suicide, and how Fandom Wank is to blame. This can be done in any wank report, but preferably an entertaining one; for example, one about a 27 year old Trekkie complaining about n00bs mussing up his fandom. Make sure your friend isn't named and that you don't sign the post, but go into detail, drop some unfounded accusations, and leave hints that you yourself are the dead wanker.

Step Two: When wankas and/or other mice start asking for evidence in the form of F_W, F_W Wiki, and/or other links, angrily deny the proof and tell them that they should be ashamed of themselves. Do the same (or just sit back and watch) when others call bullshit.

Step Three: If Step One went well enough, it should've inspired some internet detectives, of which there are quite a few on F_W, to take on the case. Confirm the identity of the allegedly dead party when a wanka makes an accurate guess, but continue to hold back any concrete evidence.

Step Four: If the allegedly dead party is a particularly notable wanker, make no apologies for their past behavior on F_W, and continue to claim that it is all the fault of the wankas, especially the rule-enforcing mods.

Step Five: Remain silent when allegations of sockpuppetry are made and further holes in your story are poked.

Step Six: Continue stirring the pot every so often, even though you claimed earlier that you were done trying to argue with the wankas and other mice. Ignore earth logic and leave them all doubtful as to your story's veracity for maximum effect.

Step ETA (Revised Edition): Cleaning this up a bit, and will continue to update this step as necessary. If something new and exciting happens, I'll ETA again.

First off, sf_drama is miffed that we get to have all the fun (thanks vitalitat and cygnia), but later on, they're visited by a special guest!

microclimate reminds us of an interesting posting pattern.

Finally, ever since anonymous commenting was turned off at F_W (sorry, cool mousies), our wank derailer has taken to replying in wankas' own journals. Here are the ones that have been hit (A=source thread / B=comment / sample quote):

• risha - A / B / Features the confession: Having taken all of those classes, I can promise you that the person you dismissed as a "stupid person" knew exactly what they were talking about. Because they are me and I am lovecrafty.
• lakme - A / B / Denying evolutionary psychology makes you a fucking CREATIONIST.
• eilan and cmdr_zoom - A / (both deleted)
• reeve - A / B / Yo, twatmuffin. Enable anon comments on your wankitywank report on me and I'll join the fun. You know you want me to.
• ari_o (and dragonfangirl) - A / B / Hey, twatmuffin, stop telling people not to engage with me.
• naive_wanderer - A / B / I would have outed myself on the original thread, but when I went to post my big coming out speech, I found anon had been disabled while I was typing.
• platedlizard - A / B / You're all the same people. Everyone there, is here. Everyone here, is there. One vast undifferentiated pile of shit.
• cleolinda - A / B / You say I seem to self-aware. You are correct. I am exceptionally self-aware. I'm also a genius. Got the bona fides to prove it.
• mindset - A / B / Largely copypasta'd from the comment left for Cleo: I am a writer. I create characters. Lovecrafty is a character, a character shaped by the things you say. Lovecrafty is a virgin because invariably feminists assert that his misogyny prevents him from getting laid, despite the fact that misogyny has never stopped anyone from getting laid. Rapists in prison get marriage proposals, so obviously their reasoning is wrong.
• mister_terrific - A / B / Getting laid means nothing. Being a misogynist has never, ever, in the entire history of humanity prevented anyone from getting laid (oh sure, maybe with a particular chick, but not over a lifetime). Nor does not being a misogynist guarantee that one will get laid.
• moljn - A / B / You're a self-righteous, judgmental twat. You set yourself up as the police of the internet, but no one gave you the job, no one asked you to do it, and you are not qualified for the position.
• wtf - A / B / You declare yourself the righteous persecutors of stupid, wanky jerks...but you are all stupid wanky jerks yourselves!
• caito - A / B / What I do think though is that NO ONE has ever given me credible reason to think I was wrong. My inability to pull a bibliography out of my ass certainly doesn't demonstrate that I'm wrong, it only demonstrates that I am bound by the same laws of physics as everyone else.
• faultypremise (though he was replying to someone else) - A / (deleted)

Well, he sure showed us!