Wankitywank

Blame the woman, not tradition!

2009-11-03T00:28:19Z

The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things...

2009-10-06T15:30:12Z

Oh boy howdy is this one a doozy. So, ari_o posts a fandom_secrets wank that is found by some (but not all) people to be overly depressing (I withhold judgment). This leads to mass wanking. Let's just get to the highlight reel.

Despair, F_W has gone downhill and lost teh funny! (In all likelihood, spawning Sep's follow-up post and its tag cloud)

An eloquent, finely tuned review of ari_o's eta on the difference of opinion.

The triumphant return of Caito, hero of the Potato Wars.

Additional bitching and moaning.

And, of course, recipes.

This is magnificent sarcasm, or at least I sincerely hope it is.

And finally, an impressive display of clairvoyance!

There's plenty to go round, folks. Are we done now? I think we're done now.

Mod Post

2009-09-29T19:55:49Z

The last post, referencing the ONTD/Eli Roth wank on FW, was deleted.

Reason: The post linked to the content of a flocked (ONTD) post. The poster did not edit this link out after being called on it by a mod, so the post was deleted.

Confusion may arise here, my little wankas! The thing is, it's a Journalfen rule not to repost/reproduce the content of flocked posts. However, FW does allow you to link to these locked posts, if the community has open membership, i.e., anyone can join to see the post. I should note that it's polite to clarify this point in your post, if you care about such things.

The fandom_wank rules, on our profile page, have been updated, to hopefully clarify this situation.

Sorry to everyone who enjoys in-house wank.

A tiny wank nibblet

2009-09-15T00:25:09Z

So. Kanye West acts like a complete tool at an awards ceremony and interrupts award winner Taylor Swift's acceptance speech by proclaiming that Beyonce's video was better (fandom_lounge thread here, with more details).

Everyone calls Kanye a tool, assigns due props to Swift, Beyonce, and even Pink, all that jazz. Suddenly, cat_mcdougall cries havoc and lets slip the thoughts on yaoi:

(Personally, I think Kanye's outburst was because Taylor is pale blonde, white, thin (very thin) and I think she has blue eyes - meaning, Aryan Ideal. Beyonce, while well toned, and very fit... is none of those things. Reverse racism? Maybe?)

Bonus fauxpology inside.

WAAAAAHH on Wank_Report

2009-09-02T00:31:14Z

On 2009-08-30, at 06:48 am UTC, an anonymouse posts what is essentially a clairvoyant wank about the Supernatural fandom on wank_report.

On the same day, at 07:56 am UTC--which is before that post had even a single reply to it--someone on spn_gossip posts about the post on wank_report. Gee, I wonder how that anon spotted it sooooo fast...

Surprise! Suddenly, that thread on wank_report is full of traffic, much of which has obviously just parachuted in from the SPN fandom.

The second comment on the original wank_report thread is notable for reasons that will become apparent. A mousie suggests people from wank_report are trolling the wank at spn_gossip.

To be fair, there is one mousie who admits to trolling the wank.

A(nother?) mousie posts later to again insinuate that the trolling is due to wankas from wank_report. As opposed to SPNers from the SPN thread. Where the wanking is actually going on. And who were, y'know, linked to wank_report half an hour before the original post had any replies.

A whole new thread is started on the wank_report! It's entitled: "Suggestion". The OP mousie asks that wank_report institute a rule against reporting on wanks that occur in anonymous communities such as spn_gossip. The logic is that no one can tell if wankas are trolling the wank in an anonymous community.

That peters out, but lo! Another whole new thread is started on the wank_report! It's entitled: "BAN REPORTS OF SPN_GOSSIP". It features some mousies saying the trolls were from the SPN fandom to begin with, and some mousies saying the trolls came from wank_report.

There may be further developments on this one; I'll keep you posted. In the meanwhile, however, I gently remind everyone that just because wank_report is ours, that doesn't make it cool to go over there and leave comments, now that this has been posted here.

You may either continue in the discussion there (and risk being mocked as a wanker) OR laugh at teh funneh right here, but doing both would be trolling the wank. Be good, sweet wankas.

wankitywank @ 2009-08-04T16:25:00

2009-08-04T23:28:09Z

Might get some negative feedback on this, but...

I have no idea what's going on here...

2009-07-10T04:29:25Z

I'm not in the SPN fandom, and don't watch the show, and have no godly idea what the hell the mice are talking about, but this kerfuffle brewing in the comments of the anonymous wank report has been amusing me today.

...also, I'm a bitch too because I laughed at the delicious.com account.

wankitywank @ 2009-07-03T16:21:00

2009-07-03T20:35:08Z

Somewhere on the internets, the kin are restless. Insults are hurled, egos exposed, and a report is duly written. Unfortunately, it involves some questionable creative decisions on the part of the author, not all of which are welcomed.

No exact copy of the original report, although a slightly edited version was preserved and the rest can be pieced together through wanka comments.

Meanwhile, goblin and _goblin_ appear to display their spiffy new powers of asexual reproduction. Or something. Recipes are shared. And fanpoodlex shows up to... well, I'm not sure, actually.

The moral of this story? Snow goons are bad news.

Special: Two wankitywanks for the price of one!

2009-06-10T16:55:34Z

Hello Wankas! It's been a busy week for wanking inside the house, and it's only Wednesday! The two latest F_W posts (as of this writing) have led to all kinds of fappery, so lets get this party started.

In this corner we have twinno stepping into her sister's shoes and posting about someone trying to sell their Twilight fanfic. Due to deliberate misdirection on the part of the wanker, it was unclear whether they were of a sufficient age to be wanked. In the end, the mods ruled that they were not. The post, and _goblin_'s creepy mod-love, were promptly erased from this mortal plane. All well and good in the land of wankaville, until catchester questions the age rule and then proceeds to be a sarcastic, passive-aggressive twit for a while. Good times and fappery are had by all.

And now for something completely different, we got some lovely guest wankers giving their two cents on the sinking of the Torchtanic. First comment and we already have a winner! It gets even better later, when someone shows up to fap and then deletes their comment like a bitch. Luckily, some clever wankas think to preserve the fappery so we can all point and laugh. And yes, that's me in there being a snippy little bastard.

And it's only Wednesday! It can only get better from here.

How to Derail a Wank

2009-05-20T01:26:52Z

Step One: Post a lengthy comment—anonymously, of course—about how your previously wanked friend recently committed suicide, and how Fandom Wank is to blame. This can be done in any wank report, but preferably an entertaining one; for example, one about a 27 year old Trekkie complaining about n00bs mussing up his fandom. Make sure your friend isn't named and that you don't sign the post, but go into detail, drop some unfounded accusations, and leave hints that you yourself are the dead wanker.

Step Two: When wankas and/or other mice start asking for evidence in the form of F_W, F_W Wiki, and/or other links, angrily deny the proof and tell them that they should be ashamed of themselves. Do the same (or just sit back and watch) when others call bullshit.

Step Three: If Step One went well enough, it should've inspired some internet detectives, of which there are quite a few on F_W, to take on the case. Confirm the identity of the allegedly dead party when a wanka makes an accurate guess, but continue to hold back any concrete evidence.

Step Four: If the allegedly dead party is a particularly notable wanker, make no apologies for their past behavior on F_W, and continue to claim that it is all the fault of the wankas, especially the rule-enforcing mods.

Step Five: Remain silent when allegations of sockpuppetry are made and further holes in your story are poked.

Step Six: Continue stirring the pot every so often, even though you claimed earlier that you were done trying to argue with the wankas and other mice. Ignore earth logic and leave them all doubtful as to your story's veracity for maximum effect.

Step ETA (Revised Edition): Cleaning this up a bit, and will continue to update this step as necessary. If something new and exciting happens, I'll ETA again.

First off, sf_drama is miffed that we get to have all the fun (thanks vitalitat and cygnia), but later on, they're visited by a special guest!

microclimate reminds us of an interesting posting pattern.

Finally, ever since anonymous commenting was turned off at F_W (sorry, cool mousies), our wank derailer has taken to replying in wankas' own journals. Here are the ones that have been hit (A=source thread / B=comment / sample quote):

risha - A / B / Features the confession: Having taken all of those classes, I can promise you that the person you dismissed as a "stupid person" knew exactly what they were talking about. Because they are me and I am lovecrafty.
lakme - A / B / Denying evolutionary psychology makes you a fucking CREATIONIST.
eilan and cmdr_zoom - A / (both deleted)
reeve - A / B / Yo, twatmuffin. Enable anon comments on your wankitywank report on me and I'll join the fun. You know you want me to.
ari_o (and dragonfangirl) - A / B / Hey, twatmuffin, stop telling people not to engage with me.
naive_wanderer - A / B / I would have outed myself on the original thread, but when I went to post my big coming out speech, I found anon had been disabled while I was typing.
platedlizard - A / B / You're all the same people. Everyone there, is here. Everyone here, is there. One vast undifferentiated pile of shit.
cleolinda - A / B / You say I seem to self-aware. You are correct. I am exceptionally self-aware. I'm also a genius. Got the bona fides to prove it.
mindset - A / B / Largely copypasta'd from the comment left for Cleo: I am a writer. I create characters. Lovecrafty is a character, a character shaped by the things you say. Lovecrafty is a virgin because invariably feminists assert that his misogyny prevents him from getting laid, despite the fact that misogyny has never stopped anyone from getting laid. Rapists in prison get marriage proposals, so obviously their reasoning is wrong.
mister_terrific - A / B / Getting laid means nothing. Being a misogynist has never, ever, in the entire history of humanity prevented anyone from getting laid (oh sure, maybe with a particular chick, but not over a lifetime). Nor does not being a misogynist guarantee that one will get laid.
moljn - A / B / You're a self-righteous, judgmental twat. You set yourself up as the police of the internet, but no one gave you the job, no one asked you to do it, and you are not qualified for the position.
wtf - A / B / You declare yourself the righteous persecutors of stupid, wanky jerks...but you are all stupid wanky jerks yourselves!
caito - A / B / What I do think though is that NO ONE has ever given me credible reason to think I was wrong. My inability to pull a bibliography out of my ass certainly doesn't demonstrate that I'm wrong, it only demonstrates that I am bound by the same laws of physics as everyone else.
faultypremise (though he was replying to someone else) - A / (deleted)

Well, he sure showed us!

HP wank: Tastier with Meta

2009-04-26T02:08:07Z

Bring out your cred! Bring out your cred!

wankitywank @ 2009-02-27T21:18:00

2009-02-28T02:30:35Z

HEY, SPORTS FANS!

IT'S TIME FOR

TAG!

DEATHMATCH!

2009!

doneril posts some garden-variety unfunny to otf_wank. Nothing TOO awfully notable happened in the post until... for some reason, random tags began appearing.

I, unfortunately, wasn't around for the first salvo, but one of them was "stop deleting tags puipui", which befuddled puipui, as she wasn't aware that her ninja stalking skills had developed to the point where she could tag entries in her sleep.

Then they kept changing.

And changing.

And CHANGING.

I was only able to get a few caps from the latter end of it before someone finally thought to disable tagging, but here are links:

http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y47/agunistudios/etc/oft_tags4.jpg
http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y47/agunistudios/etc/oft_tags5.jpg
http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y47/agunistudios/etc/oft_tags6.jpg
http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y47/agunistudios/etc/oft_tags7.jpg

If anybody else has any caps or wants to share what other bizarre tags they witnessed, feel free to.

Law & Order: Wank Report Unit

2009-01-21T06:03:54Z

In the community wank_report, the wanks are reported by two separate, yet equally important groups. The mice who post about wank and the wankas who look through to find wanks worth posting to the proper wank comms.

These are their stories.

Although inspired by a true incident, the following story is fictionalized and does not attempt to emulate reality.

FADE IN

INT. wank_report - MIDNIGHT

wank_report is almost completely dark. There is the distinct sound of mice scurrying.

A flame lights up amidst the blackness. Some mice gasp, others scramble away in panic.

FLAME MOUSE
Brought to you by keeperofthecheez, the biggest cunt in fandom!

The flame vanishes as suddenly as it appeared, and Flame Mouse escapes under the cover of darkness. Confused, the mice become agitated.

VARIOUS MICE
Huh? Who is that, and why do they matter? What the shit is this about? WTF? At least provide a link!

Before the mice even finish squeaking, there is a deafening explosion.

DUN DUN dun dun dun dun dun dun
Law & Order: Wank Report Unit

starring caito

themadscientist

vzg

And Anonymice

durr durrrrr

created by eljuno

FADE IN

INT. wank_report - EARLY MORNING

caito crosses the yellow police line set up around the crime scene. Around her, wankers and wankas alike are gawking at the scene. There is a sound of sirens.

caito
What exactly happened here?

themadscientist meets caito and walks alongside her as she observes the mess.

themadscientist
Serious wanksplosion. Forensics suggests it started as a flame but then got completely out of hand.

caito
Out of hand... and all over the wank reporting comm.

themadscientist
Watch out, the splooge is still sticky.

vzg(o.s.)
Detectives!

caito and themadscientist hustle to where vzg crouches over some anonymice victims.

themadscientist
Death by jizz. What a way to go.

vzg
I want you to take a look at this. There's some abnormalities in the victims. See this?

vzg points out that one corpse has yellow eyes.

vzg
And this?

She points out another corpse's front paws are backward from the wrist.

caito
Ew, that's weird.

vzg
I'm not done yet. This one here has horns. One over there is even has wings. Do you understand what this means?

caito
There's something in the water?

themadscientist
These mice are unnatural, almost... otherworldly. It's like the-- they're Supernatural mice!

themadscientist and caito exchange a significant look.

caito
We've got a lead, let's go.

CUT TO:

Several anonymice are chatting animatedly behind the yellow police line. They suddenly clam up when they see caito and themadscientist approaching.

caito
Hey! We need to talk to you!

Some mice nervously scurry away, but themadscientist catches one roughly at the nape of the neck, and looks it up and down.

themadscientist
How funny you couldn't run any faster with your rabbit feet, anonymouse. Now, tell me... why would a mouse have rabbit feet?

caito
The only reason I can think of is that the mouse is supernatural... am I right, Rabbit Feet Mouse?

RABBIT FEET MOUSE
I don't know anything. I wasn't even here when this shit went down.

themadscientist
We aren't pointing any fingers at you, mouse, we just want you to answer a few questions.

RABBIT FEET MOUSE nods nervously.

caito
Okay, mouse, we need to know: who are the biggest wankers in Supernatural fandom?

RABBIT FEET MOUSE
I don't know, I don't know.

themadscientist
Don't fuck with us, mousey, we need to know who could have possibly generated enough splooge to flood the wank_report comments.

caito
Don't make it harder for yourself, just name names.

RABBIT FEET MOUSE
There's, uh, uh. Well, there's esorlehcar. ckll, too. vinylroad? Yeah, vinylroad. If you ask me, I'd vote ckll, what a crazy fucking bitch. Along with all_feeling - she requires a mention, if not medication.

caito
Thanks, mouse.

caito nods at themadscientist, who releases RABBIT FEET MOUSE. RABBIT FEET MOUSE hop-scurries away.

themadscientist
I know just where to go.

FADE OUT
FADE IN

INT. wank_report - MIDMORNING

caito and themadscientist are walking. themadscientist is on her phone, nodding, then hangs up quickly.

themadscientist
That was vzg. According to interviews done at the crime scene, we can add affectingly, dontyouwaitup, and balefully to our list of suspects.

caito
This is getting ridiculous. We'll never find out who did it at this rate.

themadscientist
Could more than one Supernatural wanker be working together?

caito
It's been said that dontyouwaitup and affectingly do each other IRL, but we don't want to take this investigation there if we have to.

themadscientist
Invasion of privacy? Overstepping netiquette boundaries? Possibly trolling the wank?

caito
No. It's that I'm not a real detective, I just play one on the internet.

themadscientist
Oh, look, a new thread.

They look down at the ground in front of them, where there is, indeed, a new thread. They follow it a short ways and find themselves approaching some anonymice loitering nearby. caito and themadscientist look them over, to see whether they have any supernatural characteristics. One has a hook for a hand, one appears to be a shtriga, and one of them is playing air guitar to "Eye of the Tiger."

HOOK HANDED MOUSE
Keepa probably scares poor Jared to death.

SHTRIGA MOUSE
Bish, plz. One word: janglyjewels.

themadscientist
Excuse me?

HOOK HANDED MOUSE and SHTRIGA MOUSE look at themadscientist, who shows her FANDOM POLICE badge.

AIR GUITAR MOUSE
It's the-- eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight...

themadscientist
We're investigated a wanksplosion that happened last night at wank_report. You wouldn't happen to know anything, would you?

SHTRIGA MOUSE
They're all fucking nut jobs.

AIR GUITAR MOUSE
Rising up to the challenge of a rival...

caito
Hey, there, witchy-vampirey-mousey, you sound a little shellshocked. Where were you around midnight last night?

HOOK HANDED MOUSE
Hey, po-po, there's a big difference between writing fictional incest and stalking actors in real life.

SHTRIGA MOUSE
Wait, when did she stalk him IRL? How did I miss this gloriousness?

AIR GUITAR MOUSE
And the last known survivor stalks his prey in the night...

caito looks at themadscientist desperately.

caito
This is the point at which I admit I know next to nothing about Supernatural and its fandom.

themadscientist pats caito reassuringly on the shoulder, then turns to HOOK HANDED MOUSE, SHTRIGA MOUSE, and AIR GUITAR MOUSE.

themadscientist
Look, there's a huge mess in wank_report right now, and we just want to get to the bottom of it and find out who's responsible.

caito's phone rings. She nods to themadscientist and moves away to answer the phone while themadscientist speaks to HOOK HANDED MOUSE and SHTRIGA MOUSE.

caito
'ello?

vzg (O.S.)
caito, it's vzg. We found the original comment that caused the wanksplosion. It was a random flame about some keepaofthecheez person, posted by an anonymouse.

caito sighs.

HOOK HANDED MOUSE (O.S.)
I'm telling you, keepaofthecheez is the biggest wanker in Supernatural fandom. She's nice until you put a toe out of line and she sends her attack dogs to deal with you.

caito
If it's an anonymouse, I guess that means we'll never know for sure who did it.

vzg (O.S.)
Not necessarily. I checked the IP address for fingerprints, and it turned out the comment wasn't posted by someone with a normal finger on their mouse. It appears they used some sort of piercing instrument.

caito
Like... a... hook...

caito slams her cell phone shut and shoves it into her pocket, then pulls out a pair of handcuffs and briskly walks over to HOOK HANDED MOUSE. She grabs the mouse roughly, cuffing here.

HOOK HANDED MOUSE
Hey, what the hell are you doing?

caito
You are under arrest for causing a wanksplosion in wank_report. You have the right to remain silent, and anything you say may be mocked without mercy. You have the right to an internet attorney, but they won't help much if you're banned from journalfen.

HOOK HANDED MOUSE
Krazy cakes! I'd have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for your meddling pseudo-science.

AIR GUITAR MOUSE
And he's watching us all in the EEEEEYE of the tiger!

caito shoves HOOK HANDED MOUSE into the back of a fandom police car and lets the fandom police take it away.

themadscientist
We found the guilty party, an anonymouse, but all the wankers in Supernatural fandom are partially to blame. If they hadn't built up so much splooge, the wanksplosion may have been averted.

caito
Is that the moral of the story?

themadscientist
Nah, that's just an observation. If you want a lesson, we can bring out the Wheel of Morality.

themadscientist pulls the Wheel of Morality out of her pants, puts it down, and spins it.

caito
Wheel of Morality, turn, turn, turn. Tell us what lesson we should learn.

The Wheel of Morality stops.

themadscientist
"People who live in incest houses should not throw brotherfucking stones."

caito
That makes me feel all warm and squishy... or is that another wave of splooge?

FADE OUT
END CREDITS

I've been putting off grading essays

2008-12-16T05:55:29Z

In the community wank_report the wanks are reported by two separate, yet equally important groups. The mice who post about wank and the wankas who look through to find wanks worth posting to the proper wank comms.

These are their stories.

Although inspired by a true incident, the following story is fictionalized and does not attempt to emulate reality.

FADE IN

TEASER
INT. wank_report - DAY

Light beams from the flashlights held by vzg and a another wanka coming down the dark hall.

vzg
More splooge.

A stain of splooge is splashed against the cement wall. The other wanka moves ahead of vzg, checking in front of them and looking to the left.

frequentmouse
Floor's clean this way.

vzg
Go ahead. What do you got?

frequentmouse
Splooge on the wall.

Another sploogy handprint glimmers in the circle of light.

vzg
God. Doesn't anyone know to use tissues after?

frequentmouse
Psst, psst, something on the floor.

A can of spam rolls in front of the wankas' feet.

MOUSE (O.S.)
What the hell is up with all the spam? Can somebody clean it up?

vzg looks at frequentmouse and shrugs.

vzg
Sounds like a reasonable question to me. It's bots, which always appear so long as the comm remains open to anonymous comments, and it'll get cleaned up. The mouse should just be patient.

Then, a round of splooge fires. vzg jumps at the harsh sound. She can't wait any longer. vzg runs toward the sound of wanking.

PROTIP MOUSE (O.S.)
This is not a community for wanking in. It's a community to report wank.
You stupid fuck.

vzg finds the mice, rushes toward a nearby desk, and slams her forehead on it. She then goes to arrest Protip Mouse, reading it its rights.

vzg
Listen, mousie. Make sure the person you are targeting is actually wanking. Do not wank in your response to the supposed wanking.

PROTIP MOUSE
Sweetie, why the fuck are you always coming here? You've never said anything remotely amusing and you seem to have some kind of mental retardation. Please move on.

Another mouse appears from the shadows and laughs heartily.

SHADOW MOUSE
I agree with that comment.

vzg
Ooh, that hurts me so very much. Someone on the internet doesn't like me! How ever will I go on?

A couple bars of Celine Dion's hit single "My Heart Will Go On" play, then stop abruptly.

A particularly loud mouse appears from the corner.

CAPSLOCK MOUSE
PROBABLY BY USING SARCASM TO COVER UP ALL THAT INNER PAIN.

SHADOW MOUSE
Oh. What a... brn? Brown? Barn? Guys, I think there's a typo in this script...

vzg
You know, if you weren't an obnoxious troll I'm sure I'd like you.

frequentmouse has, by this time, caught up with her partner, and puts her hand on vzg's shoulder to calm her.

frequentmouse
There's no winning against the wanky mice at wank_report, you might as well go away and leave them to luxuriate in their foolishness.

vzg
But I never get to use my The More You Know image!

frequentmouse
That would be a crying shame, indeed.

END OF TEASER

ACT π
FADE IN

INT. wank_report

Original Poster Mouse stands alone. Hetalia wankers are going at it in fandom_secrets, a fair distance away but still within sight. Dutifully, Original Poster Mouse makes a note of the wanking in the sticky pages of wank_report.

ORIGINAL POSTER MOUSE
Secret-maker posts secret judging Hetalia fans because there are several requests and fills on the kink meme that deal with tragedies such as the Rape of Nanking, invasion of Poland, Pearl Harbor, etc. Some people think Hetalia fandom is sick. Some people try to defend their fandom saying it doesn't represent the entire fandom. Many, many people are revolted.

Another reasonable mouse enters and reads wank_report's newest entry over Original Poster Mouse's shoulder.

REASONABLE MOUSE
Can I vote that this not be posted on f_w proper? This mouse is not particularly anxious to hear f_w's Thoughts On Nationslash. Or on anything else brought up in the aforementioned wank, really.

Original Poster Mouse considers this for a moment, then nods.

ORIGINAL POSTER MOUSE
Original mouse has to agree. Hetalia wank is just the same thing over and over again.

From the darkest, sploogiest corners of wank_report emerges CAPSLOCK MOUSE, dressed in its best troll gear.

CAPSLOCK MOUSE
THEN WHY DID YOU BOTHER TO REPORT THE WANK, MORON?

ORIGINAL POSTER MOUSE
Eh, felt like it, I suppose. It probably would've gotten reported anyway.

Reasonable Mouse clearly cannot stand CAPSLOCK MOUSE.

REASONABLE MOUSE
Oh my God, why are you freaking out about everything here? Is reporting wank really that important to you? Do you want the gold medal of wank reporting? Do you have some delusion that "proper" wank reporting will somehow end hunger and bring about world peace? Seriously, you're worse than half the wankers that get reported on f_w proper.

CAPLOCK MOUSE
LOL DEFENSIVE

REASONABLE MOUSE
lol whut. What do I have to be defensive about? I'm not the OP, nor do I know who s/he is. NICE TRY THOUGH.

caito
Lol.

END OF ACT π

A side exhibit at the Sparkledammerung

2008-07-31T16:57:20Z

...small but persistent:

tehrin: No Mormon bashing, plz.

spearcarrier: I DO WHAT I WANT!

(Warning: Breaking Dawn spoilers.)

Bandom Wank: The Musical!

2008-06-10T16:59:31Z

Select scenes from the latest bandom wank, preformed live. Set in one's favorite Rogers and Hammerstein musical setting.

Stage: Large group of wankas stage left. Mouse is seated on plush chair, set alone stage right. Beside Mouse is a copy of "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior."

Mouse: I am just horrified! You all should be ashamed of yourselves.

(Cue beginning of musical number, "Laughing at The Noob.")

--

Wankas (closing chorus of "Laughing at the Noob"): "We eaaaattt our oooowwn!"

lydiapinkham (in falsetto): "We drink tea and are charmingly genteel!"

Lone Wanka (stage whisper to the audience): "I thought we had the lesbian sex after crumpets."

Wankas: (sharp intake of breath) WHAT?

ETA: nonnynonnymouse has shown up to let us know what "bitches" we are, announcing we are MOUTHAFUCKAAASS and that they have "DEFEATED THE FANDOM WANK." Sadly, someone forgot to tell nonnynonnymouse that they were a key part of our required dramatic "death of the villain" scene and plummeted off a three story building before letting the stage crew prepare the cushion of two-year-old Peeps. (Cap thanks to alya1989262 and airie.)

"Always leave 'em wanting more" does not apply to everything.

2008-06-02T19:01:40Z

Hmmm... perhaps this should be more clairvoyantwankitywank, but such a creature does not exist.

Long-time noob lots42 (however that works) decides to post his Fat Grudge Report. Minus links to anything involved. Plus copious edits, ETA's, and requests that people not go too nuts.

http://www.journalfen.net/community/otf_wank/598762.html

llama_treats said it best:

You know, one upon a time this person[1] made a post to a wank community[2] which didn't include any wank[3].

[1] you
[2] otf_wank
[3] lol

It's been through three edits so far, post caps if you've got 'em.

Edit- All they are is dust in the wind...
Edit- Thanks, Ayla! http://i2.photobucket.com/albums/y26/Alya1989262/lots42-on-otf.jpg

And good times were had by all!

2008-05-31T02:05:27Z

So, misery loves company. That's exactly why I'm sharing this with you lovely folks.

Hypersurfaces on LJ went to Wiscon, which is "hosted" by her university and attended by some of her peers. Lo, it did upset her, and made her write a long rant on Something Awful forums (rant mirrored here on SASS forums, SA's meta-wank forum) where she is a member. Said rant includes insults not limited to: fat people, feminists, fat people okay with being fat, POCs, transpeople, children, and those wacky new-age folks, and are accompanied by pictures of said people with sad little faces drawn over them, because Hypersurfaces is witt-tay. Other Wiscon attendees find it, get upset, and take action by finding and posting her rl info (posting is also done by the SASS goons after the thread gets taken down, however, and clearly the Wiscon organizer disapproves of the fandom side). One Wiscon and university attendee sends Hypersurfaces an e-mail that they will contact her prof (or dean?) unless the thread gets taken down.

With the possibility of getting in trouble, Hypersurfaces asks SA to take down the thread (they do) and apologizes. (I read it before she deleted it; she apologized profusely for I believe the entirety of the rant, said it was completely out of line and begotten from some emotional reason (who knows), but now it's gone). En route, there are threats also made that threaten her physical harm and other letters sent to her employers, accusing her of sexual harassment. Whereupon I assume she deleted her earlier apology and instead posted this, where she apologizes for insulting the kids, but not the rest.

In any case, the debate within fandom all comes down to this: "~~THERECANBEONLYONE~~ What do fandom community standards say about in RL trolling? Shithead went and made us miserable, sexually harrassed us, outed us to potential dangers, etc. Was she really a fan, and therefore we should consider the standards? But if she wasn't, what should we do? Do the 'standards' protect anyone from being an asshat? Or is it just a matter of keeping your Harry Potter porn quiet from the boss? Etc."

And then all of this is reported by PyrateJenni on Unfunnybusiness (modded by PJ), except with a whole lot less detail. The post immediately goes downhill, as many disagree with PJ's summation or take offense to her seemingly random, yet specific, inclusion of Coffeeandink, and she responds to. every. single. comment. angrily, even if they don't disagree with her! Soon enough people who are in the know-how join the discussion, and everything explodes in schlicking (or fapping) fury.

Highlights include!

First comment!
"Whoa, I'm pissed off!"
"I'm still angry at the people who posted her rl info! I'm taking it out on you."
"You don't get to decide how angry I am! You're not my real mom!!!"
"I won't post links because they'll hurt your wee little heart."
"Still not my mom!!"

Second comment!
"ISN'T IT NICE WE LEARNED SOMETHING FROM THE ISLAMISTS? BECAUSE YOU KNOW, THIS IS A COMPLETELY ACCURATE COMPARISON!"
"My goodness, sir!"
"...I'm Muslim :(" Also, crazy. (I don't even know if there were actual death threats)

And it gets better, folks.

"Waiter, I didn't order grudgewank."
"Pickles! This isn't grudgewank! Coffeeandink is not upholding her own fandom standards!!" Somewhere, PJ also says it's specifically fandom's reaction to Jameth's failed attempts at getting LJ-elected that's pissing her off, but I couldn't find it again. ETA: Thank you, Loki!

"I agree with you, but could you be more fair in your report?"
"DID I MENTION I WAS STILL ANGRY AT THESE PEOPLE?! BECAUSE I AM."
"But I was agreeing with you D:" (Risha later became Plucky Girl Detective on the opposing side)

"Isn't a con RL? If she went to troll, is this any longer an issue of fandom community standards?"
"WHO CARES? Threatening violence on the internet is a terrifying and serious thing :("

"You're like Bush with your 'making SA goons look like tragic martyrs' thing!"
"..."

"Fuck you and the comm you rode in on!"

"The faces are COVERED! It's not that bad! WHO CARES? AND they're THREATENING to KILL her! I'VE had my picture posted and I'VE never done that!!CaPslOCK!!"

"It's not really grudgewank."
"Yes it is!"
"Well, you don't have to be all mean about it."
"[tl;dr]"

"I shit on your 'honest trolls'! I shit on them!"
"Yeah, your honest trolls suck!"

"I'm sorry, do these people have a license to do these things??"

"As her hypothetical employer I care a whole lot more than her real employer!"

So many people: "plz clarify clarifications already."

"I'm not going to answer any of your questions because I might get TOS'd :o"

"I'm calling you out! PREPARE FOR FISTICUFFS!"

People get banned! People get OH SNAPPED! Gigantic herds of teal deer ravage the countryside! I HAVE A HEADACHE!

In other news, you can read coffeeandink's response to PJ here, Badgerbag on LJ's last several posts will tell you more than you ever, ever wanted to know about the whole situation, and another write-up of the wank here on we_wank. Good? Need any snacks? Water bottle? Okay.

Also: clarification and additional links are welcome; i realize some of this looks contradicting, ie who posted the actual info. however, please DON'T repost hypersurface's real name. it is against the TOS. ETA: Well, kind of. As White Serpent points out, the TOS doesn't really cover this.

That Supernatural Wank, or Our Collective Soul Looked Back and Said, "LOLL!"

2008-05-22T04:34:03Z

...but not until the crazies showed up on Page 3. More on them in a bit.

The first two pages are pretty much people hashing out the argument, clarifying what's going on, and telling the OP that her html is jacked to hell. Observe: Irrationality! On F_W! WHY I NEVER.

(Protip: When you see comments like these, chances are good this wasn't a good F_W topic.)

So yeah, pages 1&2 are unfunny. Well, page 2's saving grace is probably the the recipe thread. If you want the good shit, you go to page 3.

First up, we have this chick, here to tell us about...something. I'm not real clear as to what, but I know it's definitely not about how manly the guys in the show are. Also, F_W and everyone on it are INSANE.

Oooh, look! Now we can ask people for their thoughts on statistics instead of yaoi!

ETA: And in case any of you were wondering, the hive vagina is alive and well or something (Thanks, mindset).

In closing, have an icon: THE SQUEE MUST FLOW!

wankitywank @ 2008-05-04T02:15:00

2008-05-03T23:19:37Z

So, in case anyone's wondering where did kijikun's post in clairvoyantwank go, I have caps.

Post with only the first two edits.

Post after she re-edited it to make herself look less wanky.

(I'm posting this because I don't think the original post was deleted by a mod. However, feel free to correct me if I'm being an asshat)

EDIT: images are now a proper size.

The hat trick of fail!

2008-04-30T01:31:43Z

Meet anyamarcos:

Hello! First post from me. I just joined here, and honestly, I only joined because I HAD to share this wank with someone who would appreciate it.

She's a living (supposedly), breathing (probably) illustration of the finer principles of LURK MOAR.

fools_game enumerates her many sins:

You post a wank report starting with "First wank, please be gentle" or something similar? FAIL.

Your wank is unfunny and to do with racism, which is not funny? FAIL

You are heavily, unashamedly involved in beginning and perpetuating the wank? FAIL.

When people point out your fail, you get defensive and snippy, insinuate that everybody else is WRONG in their interpreation or knowledge of the rules, and post an annoyed, passive-aggressive comment about how they are WRONG? FAIL FAIL FAIL.

ghostmaster is similarly unimpressed by the overuse of passive-aggressive smiley faces.

Frankly, no one cares what the actual wank is about. The few hardy souls who do click on the link discover an extra-special bonus dimension of fail: anyamarcos has provided the real first name, location, and other identifying information of the target of her ire. And apparently also reported his Internet Shenanigans to his parents. OR SO SHE SAYS.

Mods delete the original otf_wank post, as well as the subsequent i_wank redux, a) for linking to personal info and b) because said target of said ire is still in high school, and so might be underage. anyamarcos says he's over 18, but then anyamarcos is demonstrably a dumbass, so draw your own conclusions.

But all is not lost! Behold (with judicious editing):

The original post on otf_wank.
The first collapsed thread, in which loopywafflehead politely inquires about the whole name-and-address thing.
The second thread, in which t_boy questions the purpose of the OP's, ahem, dedication, and she gets defensive. With smileys in.
Thread the third, in which we are collectively deemed to be rabid Rottweilers. Somewhere, a hyena weeps and wonders where she went wrong. And then eats a baby.
The fourth glorious thread, where tez breaks out the SEAL OF FAIL.

The link has been removed from all the files, as well as the original wanker's (wankee's?) nickname. Please DO NOT repost this information here. It's for your own good. There are no small parts, only small actors. We have always been at war with Oceania. And you in the back, that'll never heal if you keep picking at it.

This is awesome! I mean full of fail. I keep getting those two things confused.

2008-04-07T04:20:12Z

hibari accidentally reveals that she's committed a mortal wanka sin, and has been trolling the wank.

Journalfen hero bemysty cottons on and calls her out on it.

At this point, hibari vanishes from the thread mysteriously (you can't see it, but I'm wiggling my fingers and speaking in a spooky voice!).But it's okay, because her buddy zee comes to her defense, calling bemysty bitchy and wanky with a stick in her ass.

Then puipui and aristaea hop into the mudpit, ostensibly to up the sexy quotient of this girlfight, as at least one brought boobies. There are calls to lurk moar, there are assertations of some kind of seniority, there are reminders of FW etiquette (we eat our own ~~(but on real bread, or the demonspawn kind?)~~, we don't comment to wank-in-progress no-matter-fucking-what).

And in the end, it turns out we all hate freedom. Or something.

Achewood. Serious business. Film at 11.

2008-02-23T21:09:48Z

Tsk.

A wank report about the webcomic Achewood has devolved speedily into Your Thoughts On Achewood- ~~and as of this writing, it hasn't even broken 90 comments yet!~~ and it's barely begun!

Observe:
http://www.journalfen.net/community/fandom_wank/1141594.html?thread=172816730#t172816730
http://www.journalfen.net/community/fandom_wank/1141594.html?thread=172817754#t172817754
http://www.journalfen.net/community/fandom_wank/1141594.html?thread=172833114#t172833114

And one final comment from hooverdam to let us know why being an ass about people having different tastes is acceptable:
Think of it this way: When was the last time someone pointed out how Smallville, Supernatural, Torchwood, or any of the other mediocre sci-fi/fantasy shows that turn up here so frequently are, in fact, awful? Think of it as "other fandoms, other rooms" day here.

ETA: More from hooverdam, who this time invokes the "GOD YOU PEOPLE ARE SO OLD MEME AND YOU'RE NOT FUNNY" defense for being a condescending ass!
I freely admit Achewood isn't for everyone; it really doesn't bug me all that much to see people who don't get it. What does bug me is claims of "it's not funny" from people who think that tired-ass catchphrases and worn-out memes ("your thoughts on yaoi," "boobies!", etc.) are high-larious.

If vaginas could talk...

2007-11-16T23:42:58Z

http://www.journalfen.net/community/fandom_wank/1122335.html

YA RLY!

wankitywank @ 2007-10-07T18:51:00

2007-10-07T23:01:55Z

TO COUNTER grunhilda'S REFUSAL TO HIT THE SHIFT KEY, I'M TYPING THIS REPORT IN ALL CAPS. BECAUSE CAPS NEED LOVE TOO.

SO grunhilda MAKES A WANK REPORT.

WANKAS QUICKLY CATCH ON TO THE FOLLOWING:
1. NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THE FUCKING FANDOM IT IS, ESPECIALLY BECAUSE SHE ABBREVIATED IT
2. THE CAPS KEY GETS NO LOVE. ;______;

LOTS OF LULZ TO BE HAD.

GRUNHILDA DOESN'T GET IT!
WE'RE CHILDISH AND SHE FINDS IT SO VERY AMUSING, REALLY, LOOK!!!
OH SHIT, THEY'RE ONTO ME
PISH'S FANART OF POOR NEGLECTED BABY SHIFTY ;_____;
IT'S JUST MY WAY OF EXPRESSING MYSELF GUYS GAWD
BUT IT'S JUST WANK DUDES

ETA: OH, BB. YOU ARE MAKING THIS FAR TOO EASY.
ETA LOL: SO MUCH POINT MISSING! CAN'T BREATHE- TOO FUNNY- SEND IPODS AND LIP GLOSS DDDD: