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Tuesday, April 11th, 2006
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9:19a
So MTV's The Real World is coming to Denver for its eighteenth season. I have spoilers for the season, which hasn't been filmed yet:
18.1: The roommates meet. There is a crazy one, a gay one, a nice one, an engaged one, an aggressively mature one who is therefore the most annoying of the lot, and, as always, the ho. All are thin, even though statistically half of them should at least be chubby. They move into a quirky downtown loft. (This one is, I believe, actually going to have a plane in the living room. Yep, a PLANE. Hopefully someone will think to put snakes in it.) The roommates get acquainted with Denver's downtown area, and the crazy one picks a fight at a club on Market and gets shot in the arm. The paramedics tell him to not be such a baby about it.
18.2: It snows three feet and the city shuts down. It is, of course, June. MTV viewers are confused, which is about par for the course.
18.3: The day after the blizzard, all the snow melts and the roommates go to a Rockies game. MTV doesn't have to get any releases for the crowd because nobody else is there. With the cast and crew, Rockies attendance doubles for the season.
18.4: The roommates go out to Fado on a Monday night. I get on camera and kill the engaged one for getting drunk and beating on my drum without asking first. I am given a medal by the city, which has by now gotten really tired of the Real World cast.
18.5: The remaining cast goes to experience some "real Denver" Wild West atmosphere, and must go to some ranch 50 miles away from the city limits to do so because when the Stock Show ain't in town we have relatively few escaped livestock wandering down the 16th Street Mall. Who'da thunk, we got paved roads now and we don't hardly spit our chaw on the floors if they's no sawdust on 'em. I guaran-fucking-tee they're going to do at least one episode portraying us as a cowtown where we all ride horses and cowboy up. Anyway, the crazy one picks a fight with a horse and gets kicked in the head. The Owner of the ranch tells him not to be such a baby.
18.6: After a record three thousand hours of filming at Tom's Diner on Colfax, MTV realizes there's fuck-all to do here and leaves.
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