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Monday, March 31st, 2008
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5:46p - PhD stuff
I am stifled, I tell you.
U. of Oregon says I'd BETTER be starting my search now. I haven't formed my program rankings yet, but damn I cannot be choosy because there aren't that many to choose from. Given my super-sekrit weapons, it's not like I'm worried about getting in.
Recent revelation: I have mild OCD tendencies. How many people are surprised by this? The deal is, I share some OCD thought processes and am high-functioning so to be truthful I could probably use a little more OCD in my life. I stray away from official diagnoses for stuff that is probably an asset, I'm afraid someone will try to medicate it out. Because of this I believe the "disorder" part is probably a misnomer. The whole thing comes about with a multi-person dialogue involving some psychologists, several "norms," and a few guys who have been in mental institutions. Of course they are all very careful to tell us, when appropriate, we have "tendencies" and not say "you have OCD" which is inaccurate. So yes, I "suffer" from compulsive thought processes. The list:
Obsessiveness:
-The note cards.
-The travel brochures.
-The filing system.
-The cataloguing.
-The need to double- and triple-check everything academic.
I spend a few hundred dollars a year on this. Not a problem, and on the whole beneficial, but it's there.
Compulsiveness:
-Worries about performance
-Need for outside approval
-Anxieties about who performs what role
-Nightmares, I seriously get nightmares when I have left my obsessions in the state of flux, though not too bad
-Compulsive thoughts about disaster resulting from not fulfilling the above
Again, it's not like I suffer or anything. I think it drives me to become a better student, and I believe I developed this as a result of my memory problems and unreliability of my health.
And it is in full swing regarding my search for a PhD program. It drives me a little bonkers when they say "go to the website" because it's a bit harder for me to get a feel of the welcoming atmosphere from the website. If a program claims a specialty in American West but does not have any pending dissertations in that subject, yes, I believe that's worth a call regardless of what the faculty page says. I've seen too many programs in other disciplines assemble faculty surrounding a subject and for some reason not encourage student research or practice in that subject, and they have varying effectiveness in conveying whether or not your academic specialty is welcomed.
I have to meet with advisor-type people and find out what the top programs are. I'm probably applying to whatever the top 5 are, whatever's in-state (just one, actually), 2 places in warmer climates, and a couple of safety schools unless I hear from my top choice that I'm getting in no matter what and they'll throw money at me. I just have to decide who that is.
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9:29p - His response...
I told the husband about the suspected OCD tendencies, and his totally serious response was "You didn't know?!"
NO I DID NOT.
I honestly thought I was just diligent, not, you know, compulsive.
Not that I am mad or anything - I guess I was kind of expecting him to shoot down the whole "somebody on the Internet tells you x and confirmation bias blah blah" because it happens, a lot (not to me but to others like self-proclaimed aspies and whatnot who just use it as an excuse to be a jackass but don't have any real problems a little manners wouldn't cure), and I wanted external reference that I wasn't just confirming normal behaviors in retrospect. (Um, which is also compulsive behavior.)
So is everyone else just going "Yeah, we thought you knew"? If so, somewhat amusing, yes?
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