It's a beautiful, romantic to listen to from end-to-end kind of record.

COPIED FROM MY LJ, DATED DEC. 22, 2005, REV. JAN. 6, 2009

• How can I tell if you are angry?
  
  I'm probably being very nice to you, at least I seem nice. If you know me well, you're probably most afraid of me when I'm quiet and calm. The screaming anger is the safe anger, it's the anger I have with someone I know will still love me after I've been angry, after we've fought. That's the secure anger, the anger where I yell and curse, and I curse a lot when I'm that angry. The quiet, calm anger is the kind where I'm pretty much done with whatever the situation is and I've made up my mind to just abandon the issue. Also, if we're speaking, listen for my speech patterns. I tend to become very formal when I'm angry, I stop using contractions, my sentences are longer and have more phrase, and, if I'm typing, I am properly punctuating everything. The more formal I am, the worse trouble you're in.
  
  [I am learning better how to deal with my anger now. I'm trying to express it more without feeling as if I am not allowed. I am far more likely to tell you I am angry or upset than ignore it and pretend everything is fine, so if I'm angry, you'll know.]
  
  
• How do you want me to behave when you are hurting emotionally? How is it best to comfort you?
  
  Please don't. I can't stand it. When it's taking everything I have to hold it together I can't handle being comforted. If I am hurting that much, just understand that I need all my resources to keep myself from falling apart and that I will feel responsible for you, even as you are trying to comfort me. You can, if it's a slightly lesser pain, try to joke with me, or talk about something completely different. Some of you know how to do this very well. The one thing you can do for me, the one thing I need, is for you to listen. If I want to talk about it, all I ever need is for you to listen. You don't need to solve my problem for me, I'll figure that out on my own, but it will help me if you listen to me. Sometimes, rarely, you can hug me, but I can think of maybe three people I wouldn't kill for hugging me when I'm that upset: Alex, Adair, Simona. Okay, four, because my Dad would be okay at this, too, although he tends to stroke my hair instead of hug.
  
  [I'm also learning how to accept that my friends offer comfort because they want to, not because they feel obligated, and I'm learning that I deserve that comfort. It's a process.]
  
  
• Are there things we should not discuss?
  
  Pony things. We should not discuss pony things unless I specifically ask you to discuss it or unless you are included on that filter. We should not discuss my marriage. [We should not discuss A unless I bring it up.] If you are a close friend of mine you may say anything you like if it's a case of you being concerned for my well being. Unless you are that close a friend, do not try this, because I will not take it well.
  
  
• How should I treat you if you are physically ill?
  
  You do not want to be anywhere near me when I'm sick. I am so bad at it. I refuse to acknowledge that I'm sick, so there's that at least twenty-four hour period where I deny my illness all the while being very, very ill. You should maybe do what Alex has done in the past and boss me around. Just tell me I'm sick and that I should shut the hell up about it and go to sleep. When that fails, be prepared to talk while I listen until I finally feel mentally well enough to admit I'm physically sick and go to bed. You could also bring me tea. I like tea.
  
  
• What makes you happy, that's in my power to grant as a friend?
  
  Hugs. Physical contact makes me very happy. Listen. Tell me funny and silly stories about your life. Just say hi every now and then.
  
  
• How would you like us to recognize your birthday?
  
  Um... I don't know. I would just like you to recognize it, and any way you choose to do that is great.
  
  
• Are there any standing categories of presents that would be appropriate or unwelcome?
  
  Nope. Except I get uncomfortable when people buy stuff for me. [Again, I'm learning how to accept that. I'm still very bad at it, though.]
  
  
• Are there times of the year that are difficult for you? Please explain if you are comfortable.
  
  My father's birthday (Oct. 14), the date of his death (May 23), and father's day. I also get all introspective and annoying around Samhain (Halloween). And, of course, midterms and finals make me cranky.
  
  
• Who are the most important people in your life to whom we should defer when making plans on your behalf?
  
  That depends on what you mean by this. There is no person who has control over my life, so if you want to know anything, ask me. However, if you're looking to see if I'd like something or if something might be okay by me, do what "The Circle" does and say, "What does Alex say about this?" If you can't find him, Adair would probably know. Ask Adair, Alyssa, or Simona what I like and enjoy. You could also ask Dawn, Jenn, and Sonya their opinions.

COPIED FROM MY LIVEJOURNAL, DATED JULY 2, 2008

I've noticed some new people around these here parts. Many of you are here for the fic/rps, so you probably had no idea what you were getting into when you came. That's sad for you, so I figure it's time to tell you a little about me.

The most pressing things in my life right now are the post-herpetic neuralgia I'm suffering as an aftereffect of shingles and the dissolution of a friendship I valued. I'll start with the latter because it's the fastest to explain, basically because I'm not thinking or talking about it right now. Mostly this means that at this particular moment I'm feeling betrayed and as if I can't trust anyone since it turned out I couldn't trust him. I don't feel as if anything is over with this, because there was no closure, but I'm also not at all anxious to speak to him. So right now I'm a bit shut down and I think we're all waiting to see if I decide to open up again.

As for the nerve damage, I came down with shingles in March. The rash was centered on my left forearm and hand and was not bad enough to be disfiguring. I have some few, very faint scars. What I also have is post-herpetic neuralgia, or nerve damage. As my doctor said, my nerves are "freaking out." They're going to keep on freaking out until they're done and that's about that. There's nothing to be done for it, all that can be done has been done. I took an antiviral for the shingles, and we think I caught it soon enough so that the antiviral should shorten the duration of the nerve damage. Now I have lidocaine patches to apply to my arm/hand to deal with the pain. That's an iffy thing because it takes a few hours for the lidocaine to take effect and I can wear the patches for only 12 hours, then I have to have them off for 12, which means that sometimes I just sit around in pain.

I currently attend Wellesley College as a Davis Scholar. I love it so much. I fell in love with Wellesley the first second I set foot on that campus. There was no adjustment period for me, I felt at home immediately. I have a double major in English (with a concentration on the confessional poets) and Peace & Justice (with a concentration on the Arab-Israeli Conflict and the effects of gender on the peace process).

Because of the shingles/PHN, I took incompletes last semester and am spending this summer trying to heal up enough to finish my outstanding classes. I have to take a written final on the modernist poets, write a paper for the same class (most likely comparing a short story of Elizabeth Bishop's with a poem Robert Lowell based on that story), and a paper for my Philosophy of War class (most likely on nonviolence and/or passive resistance). I also need to keep using my Spanish so that I don't forget it before I take Spanish 201/202 next year. I'm also keeping myself from dying of boredom by doing a literature search for things that will probably one day serve as the basis of my theses. My Twine is the place to go to see any of that.

During the school year I work for the Wellesley Centers for Women on the Gender & Justice project. I adore working in the Centers itself, there's something very different about the way women work with each other when there are no men present. My two bosses, M & E, are among the most wonderful women I know. Some of my assignments last year were to compile a literature database about women in prison, research recommended out of class time for various colleges so it could be incorporated into the state's welfare-to-work program, and find out what information other states collected and retained on domestic violence incidents so as to aid in the preparation of a white paper for the state. At the end of the year they asked me to come back in the Fall and I plan to. It's satisfying work and it makes me very happy.

I read a lot and watch a great deal of television and movies. Currently I'm watching (or waiting for) Battlestar Galactica, Supernatural, Friday Night Lights, The Middleman, Reaper, Grey's Anatomy, Weeds, Big Love, Burn Notice, Californication, and a bunch of other things. I'll always be fond of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The West Wing, Babylon 5, and Rome. If it's science fiction or supernatural it's got me. I fall for cops, assholes who know and accept what they are, older women with great strength of character, and geeks. Josiah My TiVo is the best man in the world, and he gets talked about a lot, and Comcast On-Demand is a thing of awesomeness. I'm multifannish and often fickle, don't you know. It's the H8R in me.

ETA: alixnoorchis reminded me that it is essential I tell you that I am a tremendous New England Patriots fan. Because I am. My love knows no bounds. During the season it's almost all Patriots all the time around here. And even when it isn't like that in the LJ you can assume I'm texting a few people as we all watch the game. I run it_is_out_there, a private pool for my flist to pick the outcome of each week's games and I also participate in a pool with my friends--which I won last year, by the way. *preens* (It's probably important I note that I am really hoping all the bandwagon fans jumped the fuck off at the end of last season so I can have some peace. Go molest the Giants fans, why don't you?)

I read nearly as much as I watch TV. Smartass heroines, cops, and urban fantasy are currently pushing my buttons. I always go back to traditional fantasy, and you can't beat a good mystery. Then, of course, there's the poetry. Lots of poetry. By anyone and everyone, though I'm a little fed up with Keats after last fall semester's class focused mostly on him.

I'm close with my family--my mother, my (step)father, and my (half)sister in particular. I use that step and half for your clarity but rarely use them otherwise. My grandmother, who I was always very close to, is in a home with Alzheimers and she doesn't know who we are. I'm not overly bothered by it because she's so far gone now that it doesn't bother her and that's what's important to me. My great-grandmother, her mother, had alzheimers, too, and she and I remained close right up until her death even though she didn't know who I was after a time either. I have a lot of other family (steps, halfs, cousins, you name it, I have it) and if you follow my family: general tag you might even find some family trees.

I have a cat and a dog. Yes the little girl in my icon is me. That photo was taken in the early 70s, you figure out how old I am, the consider showering me with love on my birthday this year because it's a big one. I was born and raised in New England, now live in eastern Massachusetts, and wouldn't live anywhere else. Excpet for Buenos Aires, a city I visited eight years ago and loved beyond the telling. I like salmon, chocolate, broccoli, and coffee. Josey Scott is my rockstar boyfriend.

I'm spending the summer healing from all things and trying to gain some peace. Here's hoping.

And now for the more boring part, what you need to know to navigate this LJ: ( Read more... )

Want to tell me about yourself?