In loving memorium of our war with Lady Sybs I'd like to dedicate this chapter to our lost love. It was brief and it guttered beautifully like a candle in the wind. Like Elton John on a tear, coked up, and making his own crazy eyewear with a bedazzler and a hoard of school children. (note: he is NOT bedazzling school children, except by accident.) And since LS has seen fit to throw us over for Twitter and Peter David, well, at least we know where we stand. We lie in the street bloodied because Sybs could not run us over fast enough to get in on that hot, hot Peter David action: Potato Moon. Pffft.
What would USA Today have to say about BLOODY RUSSET if they read it and were really high?
"Like PG Wodehouse ate Stephenie Meyer!" - USA Today
Jasper had really worked up an appetite and Alice knew what was coming so she left town in her seriously hideous yellow sports car at a high rate of speed. Edward was still passed out under the piano and
NessieClove was up in her red and black room listening to The Sisters of Mercy and burning incense. She'd just discovered BPAL and could not have been pried loose from her laptop with a crowbar and a can of WD-40.
Esmee had gone to the hospital to see if Carlisle was ever coming home. So no one heard Jasper eat the governess. Jasper immediately felt terrible about it. So he smeared some blood on the corners of Edward's mouth and draped the body over his brother's lap. No one would suspect it had been Jasper. Except his cheerleading outfit was covered in blood. It's no fun eating humans if you don't get hardcore and physical about it. (note: author is a life long vegetarian.)
Jasper took off his beloved outfit and burned it. Then he rolled in mud and went to live in the woods and wait for Peter David to write a book about him.
Clove came downstairs and found her father covered in blood and cradling the body of her dead governess.
"Nessie, what did I do?" Edward tugged on his perfectly mussed bronze hair.
"Clove. I changed my name to Clove." She crossed her arms. If he wanted help dumping the body he was going to owe her. At least a car. And a good fake license. And maybe a bottle of absinthe.
"Yeah, I always thought Nessie was a really stupid name. But after getting your mother knocked up with my 90 year old frozen sperm I had to go along with whatever she wanted." Edward picked up the body and they stuffed it in the trunk of his Volvo.
"Can I drive?"
"You're only two years old." Edward slid into the driver's seat.
"Do I look two?" Clove got into the passenger seat and Edward wretched a little remembering why he'd started drinking in the first place.
"I like this slouchy goth look thing. It makes you look, um, less... busty. And also too mopey for any boys to be interested in you." Edward sped out of town toward the coast.
"Gee, thanks Dad." Clove rolled down her window. "Can we stop at the gas station?"
"You want to buy cigarettes?" Edward's jaw rippled. "I think not."
"Why? They can't hurt me. I'm helping you dump this body. The least you can do is let me smoke. Especially if you don't want me to tell Mom." Clove made a gotcha face that looked so much like Bella Edward almost drove off the road.
He let Clove buy a pack of clove cigarettes and a magazine. They blasted Nirvana all the way to the beach, but the early Indie stuff on subpop--not the later mainstream stuff. They parked the car on a side road and Edward found a motorboat tied up at a dock.
"Wanna learn to hot wire a vehicle?" he asked.
"Hell yeah." Clove squatted down next to her dad, who looked barely older than she was. They actually looked like creepy pasty siblings. They gathered a bunch of driftwood and doused both it and the corpse with Edward's last bottle of Bacardi 151. Clove flicked her cigaratte at her governess's body and they waited for her to burn down a bit before they drove her remains out into the ocean and dumped them in several places Edward happened to know were heavily populated by carniverous fish. MMmmmm delicious bottom feeders.
(Please note the author of this fic wishes absolutely no harm to governesses anywhere. Except the bad ones who do bad things. Capische?)
"So where do you think Mom went?" Clove asked on the way back to shore.
"Just to blow off some steam. She'll come back." Edward took his cellphone out of his coat and answered it. Clove had changed his ring tone from Yanni to Bela Lugosi's Dead.
"Jasper--slow down. We'll be there as soon as we can." Edward hung up. "Jasper just got a call from Alice. The Volturi are coming to visit. They know your mom's gone AWOL and they think they can take us out now. Your governess put videos of us on her website and on youtube."
"What? Like sex tapes?" Clove made a wretching noise and lit another cigarette.
"I hope not. She put videos of us doing vampire stuff on line. The Volturi are going to have kittens!"
Clove laughed. Edward didn't get the joke. Clove didn't bother to explain that she imagined the Volturi on a private plane having kittens as snacks.
"Can we stop at the mall. I need some new clothes and more cigarettes. And I want to get some piercings."
"The Volturi are coming to destroy our family and you want to go to the mall?"
"Do you know what will happen if you try to get a piercing?" Edward raised an eyebrow.
"OK, fine. No piercings. What about a tattoo? Same problem?" Clove sighed. Being a half vampire sucked. She didn't even have fangs or burn in sunlight.
They stopped at the mall and Clove bought a t-shirt that read ,"And then Buffy staked Edward. The End." Edward didn't think it was funny. We're not that sort of Vampire. She'd need a diamond tipped chain saw and a lot of gasoline to get rid of me.
Clove rolled her eyes. Parents were so dumb. And she didn't have any friends at all. And Edward had said no about the driver's license until she was at least five years old.
"I miss Mom. She let's me do whatever I want."
Edward snorted. "She is pretty much a pushover." And at that moment their car was hit by something enormous and black and rolled over several times knocking both occupants unconscious. Which might not technically be possible for these kind of vampires, but I could turn them into fluffy tiger stripped Volturi snack if I wanted to. So they are out cold.
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