I Chose Right - Ben and John Barrowman - Morning After
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January 30th, 2006
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| {Players Only - January 16, 2006} Takes place after this & this Ben wakes up the next morning and is still entwined with John. There is no wondering where he is or what happened the night before. Instead it is just the immediate memory of their meeting and talking and then finally their coming together. He can't help the grin that forms on his face at the knowledge that it all wasn't just a wonderful dream. He is content to stay exactly where is he right that moment and enjoy the memories until John wakes up. He makes sure to stay completely still and quiet even as his brain goes at full speed. Ben's only concern is John waking up and regretting what happened or even just not caring and asking him to leave. He'd survive it happening, but he's already invested more then he's used to. He's a mix between scared with the knowledge of how quickly his emotions got involved and happy at what those emotions seem to be. John wakes slowly, memories flooding back as he comes to awareness, and a smile comes to his lips as he whispers Ben's name. He's not sure if Ben's awake yet, so he relaxes with him, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek, and waits. The night before had been different from anything John had ever experienced. He remembers sex being quick and almost... disposable, or expected. But with Ben it had been so much more. Even more so than the first night, it had felt right, like coming home. Ben smiles and breathes a small sigh of relief hearing his name whispered in that voice that is just so damn sexy. The kiss on his cheek only widens the smile. He tilts his head back enough to look up into amazing blue eyes. "Good morning. I'm glad to see you weren't just some amazingly hot and detailed erotic dream. Although I'm still not sure you're not some tempting angel or something." He admits to himself he's probably being corny, but just looking into John's face makes him want to quote poetry or something. "That would have been the dream to end all dreams," John says, losing himself for a moment in Ben's eyes. "And I thought angels didn't have these..." he presses against Ben's cock, softly. He doesn't want sex yet, though, so he moves his hand back, not wanting to tease Ben. Instead he caresses Ben's side, so the contact isn't lost. "Met many angels have you?" he asks with a teasing grin. "To know they don't have cocks I mean. If the male angels don't have cocks, does that mean the female angels don't have genitalia either? And what about women's breasts? Are those missing as well?" He's more then happy to just stay tangled up here with John without sex and just talk or do whatever John wants. "I just wanted to say thank you, for last night. For dinner and the talking and being willing to give us another chance." Ben says slightly embarrassed but wanting to make sure John knows he really did enjoy the entire evening once they met. Laughing, John doesn't answer the angels question. He's starting to figure out when Ben teases and when he's up for serious discussion. And he has much more important things to say to Ben. "I have to thank you, also. For being willing to give us another chance, for not throwing me out of the gallery once I'd come around," he says, seriously. "And for taking the chance with me." “To me, you’re worth the chance.” Ben says softly. “Besides, there was no way I was going to let you go for a second time.” "I didn't dare hope there would be a second time to think of," John replies. "But I feel the same way. Once you said yes, that was it." "I feel like I can be myself with you, more than with anyone else," John's hand starts stroking Ben's skin as he moves a little closer to him. "And you have no idea of the scenarios that went through my mind. You getting incredibly upset with me, having to find a way to calm you down, if I could do that, if you'd let me. I'm glad that wasn't necessary. Being with you was much better." "Mmm." he hums against John's lips after stealing a kiss with a smile. "It would have been interesting to see how you calmed me down. Are you a hands on person when it comes to that?" he asks teasingly, taking a moment away from the seriousness. He wants to have the serious discussions but doesn't want either of them to get overwhelmed by them. "Because if you are, I might just have to get upset around you just for the benefit of your calming presence." "I promise I'll do the same though. I'll only be myself around you, whether that's good or bad." Ben says solemnly. "There are parts of me that are for the rest of the world. Pieces of me that belong to others because of business or whatever. But even having just met you, I already know there are going to be pieces of me that will be just for you." "I'm not sure how I would have done that," John muses, smiling with Ben. "But you don't need to get upset for me to get my hands on you. Though if you do, I will," he promises. "And being yourself is only a good thing," he says. "I like who you are very much, Ben. I'm looking forward to finding out much more about you." "I can definitely say the idea of finding out more about you is one I completely look forward to." Ben says with a gentle smile which is followed by a soft kiss. "I want to know all the normal stuff, favorite color and song to things you've never thought about telling anyone else." "Right now though, I want to know if I can kiss you again. I figure it'll prove to my mind once and for all this is real and kissing is so much more enjoyable then pinching oneself." "I want to find out all those things about you, too," John nods. "Everything you want to tell me." He licks Ben's jaw, softly. "You can kiss me any time," John says. "Though I wouldn't mind pinching you sometime..." he grins. "Preferably after a good spanking. It's an added touch..." Ben groans as his head falls to John's shoulder. "You don't know how much just the thought of that turns me on." he admits. "I can't even imagine how much better it would be to really feel it." He does take his kiss, although instead of John's lips it's his shoulder where Ben licks and sucks and bites just a bit. "You taste so incredibly good." "I think I have some idea. It's very heady, when you're moving into the kink or fetish world. I remember it myself," John says. "Remember how it all felt so new and incredible. I... kind of did it alone, finding occasional partners who were into it. I want to be there for you." "I do? Never really thought about it. Except when I taste myself..." John grins. "I want you to be apart of my learning. I just want you there. Although, we really didn't get into details of what you're into last night." It was sort of searching for information, but Ben left it open so John could just ignore the topic if he wanted. He got distracted then for a moment as he pictured John tasting himself. Licking his lips, he looked into John's eyes a little dazed at the image that was still bright in his mind. "Seeing you taste yourself would be hot." "You'd like to see me taste myself, would you?" John grins. "Maybe later..." He turns to the more serious part of Ben's remarks. "I want to teach you, Ben. I want to show you so much..." he hesitates. "I just don't know if what I'm into might be too much... just yet. One of the things I want to do is be very careful with you. The wrong introduction to something..." "How about you tell me what you're into and maybe we can decide together what would be right for me to start with." he suggests. Ben is really trying to be rational about this because he's read enough horror stories to know things can go really wrong if you're not careful. The problem is it's hard to be calm and rational when the want and need for what is being offered is so great. "I know what I felt like with the toys I've used. What it feels like to have hot wax dripped or clamps used. So it's not like I'm completely in the dark. I may not have had the practical experience with other people, but I've read more then probably almost anyone else and I've done what I could myself." he says not knowing if he's trying to defend himself or just get John to give him a chance at what he wants so much. "That sounds like an excellent idea," John agrees. "Though whatever it is, will have to be after breakfast. I'm not starved yet, but I'm afraid that pancakes are just a *little* more tempting than you right now. I hope you don't mind... also, pancakes are about the only thing I can make. Cooking is a bit hit or miss for me." "My kinks... well, I've not tried everything but the things I've liked... leather. I really like leather, as a fetish. Spanking, and I tend to prefer riding crops to whips, though whips have a... charm of their own. I'm not into heavy bondage, long term stuff or not being able to move around at all, but tying up... well, there's a reason I led with that last night. And thought I said I didn't draw blood, I have tried knife play. Only I kind of cut myself a little deep and was in a play at the time that had several shirtless scenes. The makeup artist bitched me out so thoroughly I've never done it while working again, and as most of my partners were people I worked with... and that's my kink list, though I'll try anything once, twice if I like it, as long as it’s not something that horrifies me. Oh, and not so much a kink, but I love oral sex, giving or receiving, and rimming... some guys don't like that." The last is casually said, but John feels it's important. He pouts playfully at the idea he isn't as appealing as pancakes but the thought of seeing John cook is enough to snap Ben out of any funk. Besides, pancakes do sound really good. Without thinking about it, Ben sits up a little and faces John. He is suddenly like the eager student that is so filled with curiosity and a need to learn that he forgets everything but the search for knowledge. Trying to take the subjects in the order John did, he asks. "Leather as a fetish. Is that wearing leather or the smell or having others wear it? Spanking is definitely something I want to try. I've never done the whip or riding crop thing before, but I definitely want to. I know I get off on some pain. Tying up is good too. I really love the idea of not being able to stop something from happening because I can't move my arms or even my legs. Plus, I have to add blindfolds to that because the not seeing thing is really a kink I know about. I used to close my eyes and force myself not to open them just for the idea but having the real thing would be even better." He takes a breath and mentally goes over the list as John presented them in his head. "Knife play. I have to admit that's always something that has intrigued me. I'm not sure if I'd even like it or not, but I wouldn't mind trying it if it's something you want to be on the other end for. I would request that it's something for a little bit later though because it does kind of make me nervous. I am totally open to trying most anything once though. I'll take your suggestions about what you think is good or bad and if you want to experiment with things you've never done before I would be willing to do that as well." "Oh, and the oral sex thing. That is definitely a good thing. I adore it, which you might have noticed last night." he grins. "That's not to say that I'd ever say no to receiving either of them." John sits up also, smiling at Ben's enthusiasm and wanting very much to kiss that pout. "Leather is all of the above, depending on my mood at the time. I find the idea of you wearing leather for me incredibly hot, though. Pain is good. As I did say before, it takes a while to build up to it. I haven't ever blindfolded anyone, but I can see it would be... intriguing," he grins. "I like that idea. And yes, I must admit, I did notice that and was very pleased about it." "Knife play is definitely something that can wait. I wouldn't do that with you right now, even if you wanted to," John says, firmly. "You aren't the only one it makes nervous. And I hope we'll get to experiment together a lot." "Seems like we're both on the same page with the oral sex too, which is excellent. Your mouth..." John grins. "Also, when I'm at full physical strength, I have excellent breath control... could pleasure you for longer than you think possible..." "A benefit I would've never thought about." he smiles and refers to the breath control. "I'm glad we're on the same page about a lot of this though. As much as I've wanted to try all of this, I really have been worried about who I was with either not getting the appeal of it or even worse, them not having the control and something going wrong." "Now, with you, it feels like the right time and the right person." Ben says with a smile. "I trust you to not do something I don't want or push me too hard. At the same time, I also trust you to hold me back if what I want is too advanced or too dangerous. I should probably warn you that I might go overboard at times and try to do too much or get so involved I lose sight of if I'm pushing too hard. I've done that in other things before. I still do it on occasion." "Oh, you'd be surprised how many benefits there are," John says. "Not to mention limberness, though again, I'm not at my peak right now. Getting back there slowly, though. And it's very good that we seem to be on the same wavelength. I know it's very hard to find people into this. And the possibility of the loss of control is scary. I've heard some horror stories. It's the only word for them." John shudders a little. "Even if you're aware of the risks, sometimes... I think that's why it's taken me so long to get used to the idea of someone else topping me. Not fucking, I've done that, but trusting someone enough to be on the other side of the whip. And I know that I can do that now, but if it happens again, I want it to be you if possible. I know it might not work out that way, but it's what I want.". Ben blushes slightly. “After last night, I think I may be okay with trying that. Being on the other side of the whip I mean. I liked teasing you and trying to make you scream. I don’t think I’m ready yet, but I think maybe I will be. I think you’re the right person to teach me how to be ready.” "I think I'd like that, to explore with you rather than someone else," John whispers. He wonders, for a second, if he'd given Ben more time after the first night, if they would have avoided the last few weeks. But he didn't, and they hadn't, and that was the past. Now they could concentrate on building the future. "I'm glad I can be the right person for you," John smiles. "I will not let you do anything that's too dangerous. Because there are things. It's like the knife play. You're not ready for it. I'm not either, not yet. I'm sure I can keep you tethered to the earth, when necessary, and help you to fly when that's necessary." He smiles, leaning forward enough to brush his lips against John's. "I'm really looking forward to flying with you." he whispers softly against John's lips. "How did you find people when you were starting?" he asked. "You don't have to answer that if you don't want to. If anything I ask is too personal or whatever just say so and I'll back off." "I think what I'm most worried about is that I won't know my limits or when to say no. Once I trust someone enough to do something like this, I guess I trust them to stop when it's needed as well so I might have to work on actually using a safe word." Ben says softly. "At least I know it might be a problem though so I can be on the lookout for problems." "One of the guys I took up with while working was into it, that was how it started. I was intrigued, he liked the idea of introducing me to the lifestyle... there are also clubs you can go to, but that... isn't always a good idea. Some of them, well..." John shakes his head. "Only go with people you trust implicitly. Though there are more... formal places." He's not going to mention Citadel just yet, but he's preparing Ben for the idea. "And when it comes to this, Ben, there's nothing that's too personal. I may have some things I'd rather not get into, but I don't know what they are yet." "You do have to work on finding your limits I - or anyone else you may be with - can't always read the situation, and if you don't know what the limits are, you won't know when you need to use the safe word. We'll definitely have to do some time on that. Not that it's a problem. And yes, it's good to know what you need to look for." "Flying is an excellent state to be in," John agrees, cupping Ben's head and bringing him closer. Ben's eyes darken with a flash of desire and he whispers softly. "Am I looking better then the pancakes now?" He's teasing but the need is right under the surface. All this talk has definitely got him stimulated not only intellectually but physically as well. It's not something he can't push back, but it's still obviously there to be seen. He doesn't make any move forward to initiate more contact then what John already has by bringing him closer but every move of his body says he would if asked or better yet, told to. "What pancakes?" John asks, in response. Though they will eat, the desire is just too strong between them to wait. "I don't think anything could look better than you right now," he smiles. "Come closer, though. You feel very far away, suddenly." He moves without even thinking about it as soon as John tells him to. "You look better then me right now." he says slowly looking John over. "You look like you could be all my fantasies come true." "I was just thinking something like that about you," John says, pulling Ben to him so they are entwined again, every part of skin touching that possibly can. "My fantasy..." he kisses Ben, deeply. He opens his mouth and body to John without a thought. His arms wrapped tightly around John, Ben pushes against him, silently begging for more. His body and his actions plead for everything John is willing to give and take. A feeling of tender possessiveness comes over John. Ben is his, in his mind and heart, already. And he's opened himself up to it. But how will he react if John vocalizes it again? One way to find out. "Mine," John whispers, loud enough to be heard, but soft enough that if Ben wants to pretend he can't hear it, he will be able to. Ben whimpers when he hears the word, pressing his body harder against John. The need to belong to someone is almost overwhelming as it sweeps over him. It's a need he really hadn't known was there until John vocalized his ownership the night before and it came to the forefront. "Yours." he whispers back and is now eager to prove. Without another thought, John reaches into the bed stand drawer and pulls out a few scarves. He's suddenly anxious again, wanting to give Ben what he wants. "Want to try that blindfold thing?" he asks, body moving against Ben's. "Do you?" he asks worried. "I don't want you to do anything you're not comfortable with. Do dominates have safe words even?" Ben really would love to try the blindfold and whatever else John suggests but he doesn't want him to feel obligated. "Yes, we have safe words and if it truly gets too much for us, we can use them. It's a mutual thing," John murmurs. "I want this, Ben. I want to try it. It's not something I've tried before but I am very intrigued. And I'm going to tie you up as well..." "Well if you're intrigued . . . " he says with a grin. "My body is yours to do with what you will." His tone was calm although there was definitely a tinge of excitement and lust underlying it. "Mine," John growls it this time, arousal showing. He's referring more to Ben's body than the tenderness of earlier. "Lie down on your back, and hold on to the headboard. Now!" He doesn't quite shout the last word but there is a definite deepening. For a moment, Ben thinks about not doing what he's told just to find out what happens, but he figures he can test that out later. There's not use upsetting your dominate from the beginning after all. He lays down on the bed and reaches up to the headboard. He's not sure whether he's allowed to talk or not at this point so he's just keeping his eyes open and his mouth shut until he gets more information. Besides, he'd probably say something sarcastic or make a joke and we're back to the not pissing off your dominate again. "Anything you need to know about, ask," John says, running a scarf through his fingers, testing to see if it'll be long enough to do both arms. Ben looks incredibly gorgeous yet again, and he determines that one of the things he's going to teach him is how to take a compliment. Not that the blush isn't beautiful too, but it's also a distraction for them both. He starts twisting the fabric around Ben's wrists, making a fancy pattern. That isn't strictly necessary but the aesthetics are a part he likes. As well as the drawing out, just a little. Ben shivers just a bit as John starts trying the scarf around his wrists. He expected a quick knot and that was all so the time and effort put into it are intriguing and definitely arousing. Suddenly he realizes that the only way he's getting out of this is using his safe word. He goes inside of his head for a minute wondering if he's going to panic over the thought or not. Once he realizes the only change is that he's more excited, he allows himself to focus on the real world again and hope John didn't notice or care that he blanked out there for a minute. "Okay?" John asks, softly. He noticed Ben checking out there for a second, but it's certainly not unusual with someone new to this, definitely not worth pointing out at this stage. He kisses Ben's wrist, above the scarf. "That's done..." He licks his lips and smiles slightly. "I'm okay. It just occurred to me that I can’t get out of this unless you untie me. I just needed a moment to make sure I wasn’t going to freak out about it. I’m not though, freaking out I mean. You’ll untie me though if I use my safe word right? If I say ’red’?” he asks softly, sure of the answer but needing to check anyway. "Are you okay? And am I allowed to talk? If so is there something special I should be calling you? His brain is in overdrive now that he's realized he's not going to panic over what's going on. "I'm good," John smiles back. "And yes, you are allowed to talk. If and when we get to the point where you aren't, it won't be until you're a lot more comfortable with everything. My safe word, if I need to use it, is Titan." He stops for a moment, thinking of what Ben might call him. "My name would be fine. Or you could call me Sir if you want something more formal. Master, to me, is a title to be earned, so I'd actually rather you didn't use that. We're not there yet." "Master seems a little odd to me anyway. I think of someone who is really old and has taught countless youngsters to do some kung fu thing or something." he says before his brain catches up with his mouth. "Sorry. This is why you should have probably told me I wasn't allowed to talk." Ben smiles charmingly though. "Do you prefer the formal or non-formal because I could probably do either your name or Sir and I want you to be comfortable too." While talking he tries to pull on the scarves to see just how well he is bound. It's not that he's trying to get away as it is he's testing the bonds and how it feels when he pulls against them. The very slightest burn from pulling against the fabric catches Ben's attention. John laughs. "Well, some people like it. And I like how you are. You have a unique way of looking at things." He thinks for a moment. "Let's stay informal for now, I'm fine with either and I don't feel like a Sir right now. It is a mindset. I mean, I don't think I'm about to start calling you boy." He watches as Ben tests the bonds. Ben stops pulling on the bonds and looks up at John when he mentions calling him boy. "I'm not sure I'd like being called that." he says slowly, his voice just the slightest bit off. "I'm not sure why but it seems like it would bother me." He shifts a little bit, uncomfortable mentally and not sure what is causing it. He shakes his head slightly and forces himself to focus on John in front of him. "So what do you do now that my arms are tied?" he asks as he tries to forget everything else. "Then I won't, because I don't want to bother you, and it is something that bothers a lot of people. But there are others who love it. I've known fifty-year-old boys," John says. "But it doesn't really fit you, you know. There's plenty of other terms used, many of which I don't like. I will never call you bitch or whore, either, unless maybe we do a role playing scene where..." and he wonders if that's too much for Ben to process, sometimes he thinks his brain should really catch up to his mouth. "But in short, nothing that makes you uncomfortable or bothers you." "And now, I guess I tie the blindfold on," John says, not sure right now himself. "Nothing that will make you uncomfortable either." Ben says, needing to make sure John knows Ben doesn't want him uncomfortable with anything either. "Perhaps we can discuss names used in role playing scenes when we reach that point?" he asks softly. "For now, perhaps I should just stick with calling you Sir when we're like this and John the rest of the time." He is alternating between completely calm and ready for anything and the nerves that make his mind start to wander along tangents. "The blindfold could be good if you're ready for it. Otherwise it can wait for later." "There's not much that makes me uncomfortable except things I pretty much refuse to even talk about," John says. "And the things I told you last night. And you're right, I keep jumping ahead. I'll try not to do that too much. That sounds fine." "No, I want to. Just not used to it. But I'm sure I can figure it out, I'm a bright guy," John jokes. He folds the slightly heavier scarf he's found into a band, big enough to cover Ben's eyes. "Lift your head up a little," he says, moving to tie it. He lifts his head and waits for the scarf to be tied before lowering it back down again. "Don't worry about jumping ahead. It just means I can pull you back when you need it. That's what we're supposed to do after all right? Make sure the other person is safe and happy no matter what it takes to make it happen." John smiles, and he wishes Ben could see it. "You're right. That's exactly how this is supposed to work. See, instinct is a good thing also," he touches Ben's skin, very lightly scraping his fingernail over his neck. Ben bites his lip at the slight scraping. "More." he whispers what could very well be his new favorite word. He certainly seems to be using it a lot since he met John. "Give me more." "Demanding, aren't we?" John asks, not increasing his movements, but not stopping them either. He wants to test Ben's control in small ways. "I can't help how hot you make me." Ben says, hoping the response was good enough to cover up for what he now realized was demanding behavior. It was hard not to demand what he wanted though because John did make him so hot and aroused. He took a deep breath inward and tried to focus on just letting his body feel what was going on without analyzing or making smart-assed comments. "I know, you have the same effect on me. But I want to teach you how to control those feelings, make them linger, make them hotter," John says. "Not all at once, but you should know that just because you ask for something, it might not be granted immediately, or at all in the way you think it will be." "Okay." he nods slightly and acknowledges he heard John. "I'll try to make sure I ask instead of demand as well. It was rude of me to say what I did in the way I said it." He's hoping the apology will be enough to calm any upset John may have from caused without meaning to. "Asking is always good," John smiles. "But I know, sometimes it's all too overwhelming, this is a huge rush for you right now, feelings and emotions will tumble over each other. Don't panic about getting it all right the first time, no one ever does. Just do the best you can." And with that, he moves his hand over Ben's stomach, rubbing the tight muscles. Ben is planning on nodded in acknowledgement but then gives it up for moaning softly when he feels the hand rubbing his stomach. It's a simple caress but somehow knowing it's John's hands doing the massaging makes it so much more meaningful. He lays there instead and forces himself to just concentrate on feeling and nothing else. "I do love the sounds you make," John says, almost conversationally. "They make me hotter." His cock is swelling and filling as he touches Ben. "One day, I'm going to see if your voice alone can get me off." His hand never stills as he talks, just rubbing, over and over. He nods without speaking. Just the idea of John getting off on his voice is arousing. The hands moving over all of his body seem determined to find some more spots to turn him into some kind of boneless mess. It just all feels so amazingly good that Ben is on a high that drugs could never match. "Please . . ." he begs. Oh, yes. The begging is wonderful. John rewards Ben with a long slow lick of his cock. Smelling Ben's musk, John scrapes his teeth lightly along the shaft. He knows it's close to the edge of not quite safe but he can't resist. Still, any further playing will have to involve a condom. Luckily he can manage to keep his tongue working while his hands undo a couple - better to be prepared, after all. He shivers at the scraping, making a noise somewhere between a moan and whimper. Ben isn't thinking of safety or anything else except for how much he wants John to do that again. "I wouldn't be against you doing that again." he says hoping it doesn't sound demanding. He's really trying so hard to be what John wants. Smiling, John does, scraping his teeth along the sensitive skin. "This isn't about denying you what you want," he whispers. "It's about giving you what you crave. Even if you can't always admit it..." He brings the condom up and rolls it down Ben's cock, hoping that someday soon it won't be necessary. He then sucks as hard as he can on the head. "Oh." Ben gasps and pushes his hips up involuntarily. "Oh God, that's good." He just about blurts out that what he is craving right now is John, but manages to hold himself back. It's really too soon to be feeling this needy or at least that's what he's trying to convince himself. "How do you know what I crave if I can't admit it?" he manages to ask although it comes out sounding breathy and uneven. "Intuition, knowledge of what you like - and yes, I know quite a bit about that, seeing how you respond when I do or say something. It's not a scientific process, and sometimes it goes haywire, but it's a good grounding to figure out what you like. And I know what you crave because you show it in your body, in the way you move and respond to me. You *want* me to dominate you, to push your limits. And I know what you're craving right now, too," he says, moving so he can whisper it into Ben's ear. "You're craving me." Ben nods as he follows what John is saying despite how little of his brain is really working due to the current circumstances. It makes a lot of sense that so much of what he wants shows in his body. Then John whispers those words that send Ben reeling. "John?" he asks, his voice tinged with panic. He isn't supposed to need John, need anyone, this quickly or at all. He doesn't know how to stop the feelings though and now John knows. He wasn't supposed to know. "Do you want the blindfold off?" John asks right away. The edge of panic scares him a little. "I know you crave me because I'm the first to give you this, Ben. I hope it will become more, but I'm the embodiment of this for you right now. I want it to be more, but it's too soon to tell if it will increase. I do know I want it to." He shakes his head, although he's not sure if it's in answer to the blindfold question or just to try to clear some of the panic from his mind. Instead of focusing on the words John is saying, Ben listens to the tone and the caring that is there. With a deep breath in and then out, Ben whispers softly. "I'm okay. I'm okay. I just freaked out there for a minute. I'm sorry." He contemplates for a split second whether he should explain what freaked him out or not, although John probably already knows. "It's not easy for me to crave someone, to feel like I need them in my life. That I already feel like that with you is scary. That you could figure it out so easily is truly frightening. I will get used to it though, I promise. It's not like I have a choice anyway. I don't think I could let you go now unless you make me." Don't ever apologize for freaking out," John says. "If something bothers you, you have to let me know. I can't do anything about it - even if what needs to be done is to stop - if you don't let me know." "I know it's not easy," John says, holding Ben very close. "I feel the same way. We're not supposed to need each other this way so soon. I think I knew you felt this way because it's so close to how I'm feeling. And I am not going to kick you out. I think I want you to stay as long as you want to. And that freaks me out too." "So we're freaking out together?" he asks with a slightly sarcastic grin. "If nothing else, it'll make things interesting. Are we taking turns freaking out or doing it at the same time to make more of an impact?" "I want to stay. I don't want this to end." he says just above a whisper. He needs to acknowledge, if only to himself, how he feels. Even if it wasn't what he was looking for, it's what he has. Even if it causes complications, Ben thinks it could also be the best thing that has ever happened to him. "It seems so," John nods, forgetting Ben can't see him for a moment. He chuckles. "Depends on our timing, I would say. It might be an idea to at least try and do it at different times, though..." "I guess I'm asking you to move in, then," John says, and as shocking as it is, it does feel right. Very, very right. "And there's one hell of a lot more we need to discuss with that out there." "This might be a really good time to take off the blindfold and the scarves too. Because after I say yes to that, I'm going to freak out." Ben says in warning. "Because there is so much we need to talk about and should before I say yes. Have I mentioned I'm going to say yes yet? And that I'm going to freak out about it? Or that I keep repeating that I'm saying yes so I get used to the whole idea?" Without a second of thought, John unties the scarves and takes the blindfold off. He's freaking out himself, but he thinks he has it covered. "I also think we need to be covered to do this. Or we'll get distracted again. I can find you something to wear, though." He's breathing heavily. "And there's so damn much we need to talk about, we should do all we can to minimize distraction. So a robe won't do. Too much skin. Teasing." He finds t-shirts and sweat pants, hoping they'll do the job. "Here." Ben takes the t-shirt and sweat pants without saying a word. Instead he's focusing on keeping his breathing steady and even because if he's ever going to hyperventilate it's going to be after he's agreed to move in with a man he only met a couple weeks earlier. Of course the scariest part of all is he's fairly certain this is the best move he could make if he ever wants to truly be happy. Once he's dressed, he looks up to see how John is doing. It only takes one look at John and then the bed for him to speak up. "I think we should do this conversation somewhere besides the bedroom as well or the clothes aren't going to be an issue for long." "That was the next move, I think," John says. "Living room. Or do you actually want something to eat? That might be an idea. We could do breakfast." He knows he's rambling but he's sure that can be forgiven, it's not like this happens to him every day. "Should touching be off limits?" he asks as he helps Ben up from the bed. "Or limited at least?" "Food would be good probably. I can help with that since from the sounds of it, I probably know how to cook more then you do." he smirks just a bit when he recalls John saying pancakes was all he could make. "Touching should probably be limited, but definitely not off limits. I think I'm going to need to touch you for this. Unless that's a problem for you?" "You cook too?" John finds a moment to laugh. "And yes, help would be good. I can just about make toast and I am killer at sandwiches, and I already told you I can make pancakes. I eat out a lot." "The only problem with touching is that it could go too far when we're not wanting that, but if we limit it, that shouldn't be a problem. And yeah, I'll want to touch you as well." "I love to cook." Ben admits. "It's one of the things I don't do too often though because I'm usually not somewhere I have access to a kitchen. Plus, it's never fun to cook for just yourself so I end up eating out most of the time myself." "I already know I want to touch you more then I should, but I'll limit myself to maybe your hands and face?" "That makes sense," John nods. "I know it's one of the reasons I never really bothered to learn, I never had anyone to share it with. But pancakes was something my mum taught me to cook long ago, so it has good memories." "That sounds good. Let's get out of here, though or all these good resolutions will be like so much dust." John opens the door, and a memory of pressing Ben against it last night hits him. Ben is following John out of the room when he sees him pause. "John? You okay?" he asks worried. "You're not feeling sick again are you? Do you need to lay down? Can I get you something?" Suddenly his worry moves from the upcoming conversation to whether or not John was okay physically. They really did need to discuss this exhaustion he collapsed from. "No, I'm fine," John says, though he's a little distracted. "Just remembering last night." He realizes that he does need to take a pill, but they're downstairs anyway. "I'm not feeling sick." He smiles, though, at how concerned Ben is. It's sweet and he knows to say it would trigger a blush. "Thank you," he murmurs and is unable to not kiss him softly. "Now let's get downstairs before I kiss you again." Ben licks his lips and gives a small smile. "Yeah, we should probably get out of here because you mentioning last night has got me remembering now." He does a quick glance down John's body before raising his eyes back to John's face with noticeable effort. "Definitely need to get out of here if we're going to talk." As John turns to walk downstairs, Ben can't help but place a hand on his back. He tells himself it's just because John is still looking unsteady, but really it's the need for physical connection rearing it's head again. John appreciates the hand, for more than one reason. He's not feeling sick, but slightly dizzy, because he has missed the pill schedule by about half an hour. They take a surprisingly short time to get downstairs and he heads right for the medicine cabinet in the kitchen "You can check out the fridge for what's in there, if you want," he says as he gets some water and swallows a pill down, resting his head against the window for a moment. He watches worried as John takes the pill and leans against the window, but doesn't want to intrude so he turns to look in the fridge. Grabbing what would be needed for pancakes, he explores a little more and finds some fruit to make a salad. He starts on the salad even as he keeps checking on John to make sure he is doing okay. In the meantime, he mentally tries to figure out what he should get out in the open with this conversation they're going to have. | ||||||
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I Chose Right - Ben and John Barrowman - Morning After
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