I Chose Right - Ben and anything_goes: Couch & Communication

Subject:	Ben and anything_goes: Couch & Communication
Time:	10:36 pm

{Players Only, Backdate to January 22}

Follows this and this

Finished with cleaning up after dinner, Ben wanders into the living room searching for John. He hears music playing softly in the background and smiles at the pleasant atmosphere. John is sitting on the couch and without thought Ben sits down and moves until he is comfortably curled around him. Ben nuzzles his favorite spot on John's neck, enjoying the feel and scent of the skin there. His move isn't sexual but instead one of caring and companionship.

"You doing okay?" he asks softly. "Not too tired or anything?"

Tightening his arms just a little around Ben, John smiles and moves his neck just a little, so he can nuzzle Ben's hair. "I'm doing great. I'm not even tired at all. I think the couple hours of sleep helped with that." He doesn't want to move for a while, he thinks. Just holding Ben, here and now, is everything he could ask for, and more.

"It's amazing the benefits a day in bed can have. Especially when we even spent a couple hours of it sleeping." Ben grinned for a moment before getting serious. "I wanted to say thanks for this morning, for being so supportive and wonderful about everything." The blood tests and doctor's appointment had been on Ben's mind all day despite trying to push it aside.

"I definitely think we can make plans for more days in bed," John nods. "The resting part is important, after all." He kisses Ben's cheek, very softly. "You needed me, I was there. Simple as that." He sighs, because the tests have been on his mind, too. "I keep thinking..." he says quietly. "What if there is something we don't know about?"

"I wish I could say not to worry, that there won't be anything. We don't know that though, do we?" Ben says quietly. "I've always been safe, using condoms and all that. I've gotten tested often despite hating doctors and needles. You just never know though if somehow something got through." He puts a soft kiss on the side of John's neck. "I don't want to do anything that could hurt you. I'm not sure if something came up on my blood test I could stay and put you in danger."

"If we could only say that," John sighs, wishing that reality weren't quite so real at times. "The unknown. That's what scares me, you know. What turns me to a rock and makes my skin crawl with coldness. I've dealt with some bad things in life, we all have, but not knowing, that's... the part that I can never bear." He shudders a little. "And those times I played on the edge of safety, they're a bit haunting right now... Not that I ever did anything totally unsafe, but..." He turns and looks at Ben. "I don't want to hurt you either, but I want to say this right now. The thing that would hurt me the most is you leaving now."

Turning, Ben shifts until he can look directly into John's face and eyes. "I don't want to hurt you at all. The idea of having something in my body that could kill you and knowingly risking you . . ." he shakes his head, visibly upset. "That just seems totally against what love is supposed to be." He's upset enough that he doesn't even realize he's brought the word love into the subject.

He's going to revisit that word as soon as it stops freaking him out and when they've talked about the rest. And the freaking out isn't really huge. He thinks he's going to be calm by the time he gets there.

"I know. And knowingly risking you is something I could never do. Or letting your risk me, because I know what that would do to you, Ben. But you know, safe sex is as safe with an unsafe partner as it is with a safe partner."

"Safe sex is really a misnomer though. You can have safer sex, but nothing is one hundred percent except abstinence." Ben says softly before sighing softly. "If I'm being completely honest though, I have to admit that it wouldn't matter if I did have HIV or something else, leaving you would probably kill me at this point. Which sounds incredibly dramatic I know, but I'm just not sure I would care enough to really take care of myself without you around."

"I know, but it was the term I learned," John says. "We did think it was safe back then, too..." He sighs a little, nostalgia washing over him. "I used to envy the people who could remember the time before safe sex was necessary. Still do, really." He brushes a hand through Ben's hair. "Then you're not leaving. Because I don't want you to die before your time." His voice chokes a little on the last words.

He laughs with just a touch of sadness. "I envy those people, the ones who had sex in a time where you didn't have to worry about possibly dying for the pleasure. Who didn't have to deal with nights like this with all the 'what ifs' going through their minds." Ben moves into John's touch with a small smile. "I don't want you to die before your time either. I'm just trying really hard to believe neither of us is going to. That we'll get the test results back and they'll be fine. That you'll be okay."

"I would love to not have to deal with that. Though I do like one thing about this night. You're here." He smiles. "I'm trying to believe that, you don't know how hard. But I keep wondering. What if someone I was with was positive and we just... rubbed against each other and I had a cut or a break in my skin I didn't know about? That is one area I wasn't completely careful in, but you don't think of that until... until it really matters."

"You know, the chance of rubbing against someone and getting the virus is so small it's practically non-existent." he says, hoping to calm both of them. "I know it's still easy to think about all the possibilities, I'm certainly doing it right now, but I think maybe we need to make the effort to not worry about it until we absolutely have to. There's nothing we can do to change the past anyway. We just have to deal with what comes and it sounds like we'll be doing that together." Ben smiles. "Being with you, here and now is what makes this easier."

"I know that, intellectually," John nods, and smiles back, slightly. "I just... the what ifs are strong right now. But you're right. We shouldn't worry too much about it until we know. And you're right, we can't change the past. If mine had been different, we might never even have had the chance to be together," he says, quietly, a memory showing on his face. "And yes," he says. "Whatever happens, we'll deal with it together."

"Want to talk about it?" Ben asks softly having seen some memory flash across John's face. "Whatever you just remembered or thought of?" He's hoping it will be something to get both of their minds off the blood tests and what may be. His request is also made to get to know more about the man who is becoming so important to him.

"I don't see why not, it might help us think of other things, though it's not the most cheery topic," he answers, holding Ben close. "I've told you I haven't ever been in a relationship before, and it's true, but..." he trails off, emotion choking him slightly.

"But?" Ben asks, reaching down and taking hold of John's hand. He wants to give comfort through what he can see is a difficult memory. "If you don't want to talk about it, you don't have to. I'd be honored to hear whatever you want to tell me though."

"It's just difficult to talk about," John murmurs. "But I want to. It was back when I was at school that it all started," he whispers, memories moving through his mind. "I never did anything until I was nineteen, but I had crushes on so many boys..."

Ben smiles slightly, imagining a younger John in school, looking at all the boys and just discovering the emotions that came with being gay.

"There was one boy in my classes, James. Jamie," John whispers. "He was a year ahead of me, and we all knew he was gay. It wasn't... public, just all the kids knew. And I had the biggest crush on him."

"Did he know?" Ben asks softly, not wanting to disturb John if he's lost in the memory. He does want the other man to know he's listening and interested.
"Not while we were at school. I could never get up the courage," John admits. "But we were at the same college after, and I came out, officially, then. I mean, it wasn't exactly a surprise to anyone when I did. Can't think why," he manages a small smile. "But Jamie was really supportive of me when I did, and I got up the courage to confess the crush then. It hadn't stopped."

Ben smiles slightly and squeezes John's hand gently. "That must have taken a lot of courage, to tell him how you felt with everything so new."

"I'd been dealing with my own emotions and feelings so long, it didn't feel like it was at all difficult. Maybe because I'd known for so long. But I had no idea that he would feel the same way." John shakes his head, even all these years later, he finds it hard to believe. "We decided to take it slow, because it was new for me. But I will never forget the way he kissed me, or the way he said my name after..."

Again Ben smiles, happy John's first experience with love and kissing could be looked back on as something positive. Although he wondered now what made the memories so hard for John if the beginning was so nice.

"Jamie... he was into sports," John says, quietly. "He rode horses, and motorbikes. Had a really old one he'd rebuilt from a rusty shell. We used to go out on it, on the weekends, up into the highlands, it was beautiful there." He smiles. "We'd talk about anything and everything. You know what it's like when you're first with someone... like we are." He hadn't realized that until now, that Ben reminded him of his early days with Jamie as much as it does. It's not a bad feeling at all.

"It sounds beautiful and peaceful." Ben said just as quietly, not wanting to break the feeling of sharing between them. "It's exciting to first get to know someone else, to have a connection."

"It was," John nods. "We kissed and touched, but for a long time I wasn't ready for more, and he understood. He was always so understanding and protective of me, wanting to be sure I was okay with everything we did. On my nineteenth birthday, we... I came for the first time with another person." He smiles. "It was everything I'd ever dreamed of, and in all but the technical sense, that was when I lost my virginity."

"He sounds like an amazing person. I'm glad your first time could be special like that." he says softly. "I wonder if it's his influence that inspires you to be so understanding and protective of me or if you're just naturally that way."

"He was," and John emphasizes the was, "one of the most incredible people I've ever met." He smiles at Ben's words. "I think it's a little of both. A lot of it is instinct, but I know there's a part of me that remembers how it was for me."

"Well then, I owe him a debt of gratitude. You treat me so wonderful and I'm thankful for it." Ben says with a small smile.

"I treat you the way you deserve to be," John smiles. "He said that to me, once. But it's as true with you, for me." He bites his lip and continues. "He'd been having some trouble with his bike. Brakes seizing up was the first problem. He took it in to be repaired, several times. But it seemed like every time one problem was fixed, a new one took its place. We stopped using it as much, taking my old rattletrap of a car out instead."

Ben squeezed gently on the hand he was holding, hoping to help comfort John from the memories that he was recalling

"Unfortunately, I couldn't take him everywhere in it, and he used the bike when he had to," John's voice is trembling now. "I had a dance class one night, and it was raining, so I had to take the car." His voice goes very quiet. "Jamie... he had to use the bike. For something that seemed urgent at the time, I suppose." His accent is thicker, the pain showing. "I don't know how, or what happened. All I know is that the bike and he hit a dry stone wall and he didn't... live." John isn't crying. He's cried his tears over this a hundred times, and this is the first time he hasn't, holding Ben. His body still trembles with the memories.

"I'm so sorry. So sorry Baby." Ben says in a voice barely above a whisper. He slides his arms around John and holds him close, wanting to give comfort for something that can't be changed and had altered John's life forever. Ben knows it's been years since Jamie died and yet the pain is still there under the surface for John and probably always would be to some extent.

"It's... not so bad. After all these years it's an ache of what couldn't be," John whispers. "Who knows, we might have split up, we were very young. But I do think..." he whispers, not having realized this himself until now, "maybe he was a part of why I couldn't be with anyone before you. Like this, I mean. To really... care."

Ben nods in acknowledgement of John's words. "Why do you think that is? And why can I get through when no one else could?" he asks softly enough that John can ignore the questions if he so desires. Ben is definitely curious, but he won't press the issue.

"Because it's you," John replies. "That's all I know right now." He remembers what he wanted to discuss with Ben, though. "You said something earlier, Ben. Something that I want to talk about. It relates to this. You said... that what we were talking about was against what love is supposed to be." He leaves the phrase in the air, echoing in his mind.

"I did?" Ben asks. Half of his mind is trying to figure out when he said it while the other half is panicking that he brought love into things so quickly. After a moment, he decides this is one of those things he can't change anyway, so he might as well see where it leads. "I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable, my saying anything about love."

"It was in reference to the blood tests," John clarifies. He takes a second. "You know, I'm not the least bit uncomfortable with it. And I feel like I should be freaking out, but I'm not." He decides he should probably let Ben know he's not the only one. "I thought it. On our first night back together, when you were kneeling at my feet."

He sighs, relieved John isn't freaking out and that he feels similar. "I'm glad you're not upset or running away screaming." Ben says with a small smile. "I know this is just the beginning, of my feelings and hopefully of the relationship between the two of us. I would be lying though if I didn't admit that I'm already a little in love with you. I only expect it to grow from here, but it has started."

"That's exactly where I am," John whispers, smiling back. "My thoughts were that I knew I was falling. It just hit me, watching you then and knowing, deep down, that that was probably why I need you so much. I do, you know." He smiles. "I'm glad it's started, and I don't think we need to rush into anything beyond that."

"I'm not rushing, although I'm sure others would disagree considering I've already moved in with you." he smiles. "I'm enjoying things as they happen and getting the chance to get to know you. I am truly honored you trust me enough to tell me about your past and to open your heart to me. It's a gift I'll never be able to repay."

"It'd be rushing if I suggested we look into marriage right now - which I'm not, but maybe down the track," John says. "I am very much enjoying things as they are unfolding with you. I wanted to," he says, of talking about his past. "I hope you feel the same." He kisses Ben, gently. "You give me a gift every time I look into your eyes."

Ben returns the kiss with a soft smile. "I'll tell you anything you want to know, although I don't promise it'll be interesting." he says regarding his past. "I think I might panic a little if you were to say we should look into marriage now, but down the road I probably will be much more inclined."

"I'm sure it will be interesting to me," John smiles. "I want to know you as well as I know myself, eventually." He doesn't think anything Ben could tell him would be boring. "We're not even close to ready to think of marriage now. I know that much. But in the future, I do see it as possible."

"You're very optimistic considering how little I've done outside the art world in my life." Ben smiles and leans forward enough to kiss John lightly. "For the most part I've spent my time wrapped up in my galleries and consulting for different museums. It was a way to see the world and perhaps to hide from it at the same time."

"I find the art world quite fascinating," John replies. "But it sounds like you've buried yourself in your work. I can relate to that, very much." His arms slip a little lower on Ben's body, holding him tighter. "Is there a reason you did that, or was it just how it happened?"

Ben considers a moment while enjoying the hold John has on him. "Probably a little bit of both. I've always found it easy to get lost in art. Taking me into a museum I haven't been in before is a great way to lose me for hours on end. I think it got worse after university though. By then my family had found out I was gay and didn't take it well and my first and only real relationship before you had ended because I was trying to please my parents instead of myself."

"I love museums," John grins. "Maybe we can get lost in one together sometime." He kisses Ben gently. "I'm sorry you had such a difficult time with your family. And your relationship, too."

"My parents and really my whole family were bad, yeah." Ben acknowledges. "They thought it was a phase at first and then some disease or something and finally when I wouldn't change to what they wanted I just left and I've tried not to look back. It's not always easy and I'd definitely prefer to have my parents and brother in my life, but we can't always get what we want."

"My relationship wasn't actually bad. It ended because my parents found out and I wasn't ready to stand up to them yet. It was a mutual decision that for the most part I'm okay with."

John rolls his eyes at the mention of it being a phase. "I swear, some people don't think we know our own minds. I am sorry you don't have your family in your life, but if they don't want you, it's their loss. I was so lucky with my parents, and I know this. But they honestly didn't blink. Dad said he didn't want to know about what I did in the bedroom - and this was really before I was into kink, too - and I agreed, rather gratefully. I hope you can meet them soon. I really want you to know them. Trust me, they won't judge us. They'll love you." John smiles. "You make me happy. That'll mean everything to them."

"Ah, I see," John nods at Ben's reference to his relationship. "Well, if it had been strong enough to survive, I'm sure it would have. I do believe in that, that if a relationship is strong enough - and new as it is, I definitely believe ours is - it will survive anything."

"Your parents sound incredible, although they would have to be to have raised a son like you." Ben smiles slightly. "I look forward to meeting them although I'm probably going to be nervous as hell that they'll hate me even if you don't think it will be a problem. I'll do my best to make them like me though because I want to have you for a long time and I know they're very important to you."

Ben contemplates John's words for a moment before nodding. "You're right. I already feel like our relationship is much stronger then what I had before. Besides, I feel like my relationship with Hugh just prepared me to be here with you. Being with him taught me how to care about someone besides myself. Losing him helped me realize I can survive on my own and made me stronger so I can hopefully be someone you deserve."
"I know you'll be nervous, but I'll do my best for you, too. You'll just have to be you to have them like you," John smiles. "I want you forever, if we're granted that." He doesn't think that should freak Ben out too much after what they've already said. "I know it's a little soon, but I know what I want."

"Oh, Ben..." John touches his cheek, very softly. "I keep wondering if I'm someone you deserve."

"It's what I want as well if I really let myself think about it." Ben admits with a small smile. "Forever with you sounds pretty good right now."

"You are definitely someone who is a lot more then what I deserve." He says with conviction. "I'm not giving you back though, not now that I have you."

"Not so scary, is it? Not as long as we take things a bit slow. I'm happy - even more than that, really - with how we are moving. I hope you are too," John says softly.

"I wouldn't go back if you told me, you're stuck with me now," John says, the words serious but his tone is light.

"The weird thing is I'm not scared of the idea of forever with you." he says softly. "There are definitely other things that scare me to death, but not this. Being with you just feels like destiny or something like that. It's like I was meant to be yours and it just took me this long to figure it out. Being stuck with you is the best place I could possibly be." Ben leans forward to softly seal his words with a brief brushing of their lips.

"That isn't weird at all," John replies, lips tingling from the brief contact. "I know exactly what you mean. It took us both a while, really. But I felt a pull to you, even when I thought it wasn't going to happen. I..." he blushes. "I dreamed of you. And fantasized too..." He smiles, but turns serious. "What does scare you, Ben?"

"You fantasized about me? Are you going to give me details?" Ben smirked before turning serious himself. "I don't know. Lots of things scare me. You already know a lot of them. I've opened up and allowed you to see a lot of my fears that I haven't let others see before."

"It would be more than my life was worth to bring that up and not give you details eventually," John teases. "And yeah, I know what you mean," he sobers. "I just wondered if there were any specific things you wanted to let me know about, more than anything."

"Specific things I'm scared about. Hmmm." Ben considers, trying to think of anything specific. "The doctor thing, that's pretty specific. It really is the doctors too. I don't like getting blood drawn or any of that other stuff, but I don't really freak out until I see a doctor." he shrugs. "Being locked in a room and not being able to get out. That scares me. For some reason I can be tied up and be okay, but if you just put me in a room and lock the door I freak out big time."

"We'll hope it's not necessary to see a doctor too often, then," John says. "I don't want you freaking out any more than necessary. And hell, being locked up is scary. I can't say it'd freak me out right away, but... I do get it. I'll never do that with you, and that's a promise," John says. "Even in a scene."

"Thank you." Ben says with a small smile that lets John know he is realized to hear that. "I didn't think you would, but it's probably better that you're warned anyway. I got locked in a supply closet in one of my galleries last year and lets just say it wasn't a good situation."

"Warnings are always good," John nods. "This is going to sound kind of weird, but I would've liked to be there for you, last year. I would have liked to be there with your family too. I think it's my protective instinct where you're concerned." He moves his hands over Ben's shirt, the intent not sexual, but comforting.

"Thank you. It doesn't sounds weird, it sounds really nice." Ben smiles a little wider then before. "Besides, I know the feeling. I spent a couple hours the other night while you were sleeping wishing I'd been there before you collapsed or even right afterwards. I want to protect you, take care of you and make sure you never stress your body that much again."

"You know, I answered you but you didn't answer your own question." he says softly. "What specific things scare you?"

"That's good," John smiles. He loves the happiness he feels just lying here with Ben, talking. "I wish you had been too. But I promise, you can take care of me. Just let me know if I react weirdly. Not used to it..." he sighs softly.

"Losing someone when I could have done anything to prevent it, that scares me. I know deep down I couldn't have with Jamie, but I keep thinking, what if I let you or my parents do something I could stop..." John whispers. "Losing you is its own fear, though I'm starting to get the idea that it won't happen into my head. Doing something to scare or hurt you when I could have prevented it. I'm also always scared to start a new show. It's not stage fright - I know the difference. It's a deep terror. The terror I'll let everyone down. I've never been able to shake it. It only lasts one night but I’d love to not feel it."

"You couldn't have saved Jamie, it wasn't your fault he died." Ben says hoping to make John believe it. "You can't always protect those you love. You just have to be there to catch them if they fall or help them get past the bad times. And if you lose them physically, well you'll never lose them in your heart if you truly love them. The same thing is true about scaring me or hurting me. It's probably going to happen, not because you want to hurt me, but because things happen. When it does, I'll just want you by my side to get past it."

"I'll be there for the next show, I promise." he says with a small smile. "I'll do whatever I can to help you deal with the terror of a new show no matter how long it takes."

"I know Jamie wasn't my fault, though it took a long time for me to figure that out," John admits. "But I know now. And I know. I'll be there if you fall or get hurt." He rubs his face against Ben's hair. "I know what you mean. I do. I'm going to do my best not to scare or hurt you. It's why I keep making sure you're okay when we're trying new things. It terrifies me that you might have a bad reaction to something we try. Though you're right, things happen and I'll be there, always. I promise you that."

"I don't know what you can do to help, but I'll be glad to have you there to lean on. Maybe that's what I need, I don't know. I like knowing you'll be there. I can feel it, in here." He touches his heart.

Ben bites into his lower lip while he thinks for a minute. "You know, I'm probably going to freak in the middle of a scene. Something that I think I can handle will be too much and I'm going to panic. The thing is, I know I'm going to use my safe word and I'll probably be frantic. You'll stop whatever it is, untie me if necessary and then once I'm calmed down we'll talk about it. I'm expecting it, but I'm not dreading it. I truly trust you to take care of me, especially when we're in the middle of something where I can't take care of myself."

"I'm going to be here. I'll be strong when you need me to. I'll be here for you to lean on. That's a promise." he says seriously.

"I know," John nods. "I'm expecting you to. Not in the sense that I look for it always, but that it's really possible that it will happen. Something will be too much, or I'll go a little further than you're ready for without realizing it. But you're right. What you said will happen. I'm... not quite dreading it." John's face lights up at the idea Ben trusts him. "And I trust you the same way, when you're the one tying me up. I might freak out too, especially if it's something I haven't tried. We'll just have to watch out for each other."

"Having you here to lean on is going to change me, in good ways," John says, just as seriously. "I already feel it."

"Isn't that what relationships are supposed to be though?" Ben asks. "Not just in the world of dominance and submission, but any good relationship? You watch out for each other, you stay strong when the other is weak, you communicate and lean on each other. You change each other in good ways, with love and trust and companionship. That's what I always thought relationships were, at least it was what I always dreamed of someday finding. It's what I feel like I have a good chance of finding in you."

John can't help but laugh. "Remember, I've never actually had a relationship. I'm learning this as we go along..." He thinks for a moment, though. "But I think you're right, yes. I just never really thought of how I see it, until now. One more reason you're good for me," he smiles at Ben. "Like I keep saying, give it a chance to sink in and it'll be fine."

"Well both of us are learning as we go along. Each relationship is different and believe me, you're a lot different from the person I was with before." he reassures. "I think maybe I needed to wait until now to be ready for you. I needed to grow up or something."

"I'm glad it feels different," John says, softly. He grins. "Growing up can be highly overrated sometimes, but I know what you mean. I wasn't ready before. I am now."

"Have I mentioned lately how glad I am that you're ready now. That somehow no one snatched you up before I was able to?" Ben asks with a grin. "Because if I haven't mentioned it, let me say all of the above is so very true right now."

"Even if you have mentioned it, which I think you have, I'll never get tired of hearing it," John grins back. "I just think we weren't meant to be ready until we found each other. And it's true for me. I mean some gorgeous bohemian artist type could have swept you off your feet..."

Laughing, Ben shook his head. "I don't think I could have handled a bohemian artist type. It's kind of like you not wanting to get involved with other actors. The idea of dealing with someone who is suffering for his art or throwing a fit because the colors aren't perfect would drive me insane. Plus, most of the artist I know get into relationships simply so they can do better art after their relationship breaks up. Going into it expecting failure just isn't for me."

"Oh, god, save me from that type, there are actors like that too," John groans. "Seriously, if you can't do something for good, why bother?" He shakes his head. "I mean, if you're an actor, you should be able to act the feelings and emotions you don't or haven't felt. And likewise paintings." He looks down at Ben, seriously, and leans in for a kiss. "I think that would be too much excitement of the wrong kind."

Smiling into the kiss, Ben hums his agreement. "So anyway, you never had to worry about losing me to an artist. I get plenty of them just by working with them. Luckily, for you at least, when I'm in a painting or sketching mood it's because I need to release emotions and not because I've caused them so I can create something."

"That's good," John smiles as he leans back. "I know what you mean about working with them. Do I ever." He nuzzles Ben again. "You just don't seem the type to create things for bad reasons. Even if we weren't together, I'd see that. Releasing emotions is good, I know that. I have a stressed out piece I play on the piano, it's not a real tune, just a collection of notes. It helps calm and center me."

"So when you're playing this stressed out piece on the piano, is it a time when I should leave you alone or do you prefer company so you can talk whatever it is through?" he asks, wanting to be prepared for when it happens.

"Leave me alone while I'm playing, but when it stops, that's when I'll need to talk," John says, after thinking for a few minutes. "I had to think because usually it'd be go to bed or shut the house up - depending on the time of day - and hibernate until it goes away. But I think, with you, I'd want to talk."

"Okay. I'm glad now I'll know what to do." Ben nods and smiles slightly. "You know if you need to talk before it gets that bad all you have to do is tell me and I'll drop anything right?"

"I know," John says. "But sometimes I don't know it's that bad until it is. Sounds familiar," he grins. "Also, how do you deal with stress? I'd like to know so I can be there for you."

"It does sound familiar." Ben agrees with a grin. "Okay, how I deal with stress. Well I've got the semi-rational way and then I've got the not rational at all way. It kind of depends on what has stressed me out and just how stressed I am on which one I use. The semi-rational way is I find some place quiet and usually fill a sketch pad with random images that pop into my head until things look a little bit clearer. The not rational way is I take off running, like the exercise not trying to escape running. Last time I did that one I ended up going until I was completely exhausted. Luckily, I usually remember my cell phone and can call for a cab or something since I'm usually not rational enough to circle back before I get to the point I have to quit."

"I think I like the semi-rational way better," John says. "Sounds a bit like mine. And I remember you saying you run when you get stressed, but that's not quite what I thought you meant. Well, you can always call me. If you do forget your cell, reverse the charges on a pay phone. Whatever you need."

"I usually try to go for the semi-rational way if at all possible. I usually end up sitting for hours upon hours but it works most of the time." Ben nods. "I think the running thing is when everything feels like it's closing in. It usually only happens once or twice a year at most, but that's more then enough for me. And thank you, I will call you if I can. I'll even try to write you a note before I take off so you don't worry."

"That's good," John says. "Sometimes you do just need that. I'm glad it works for you. And yeah, I know what you mean about everything closing in. That's when I hide in the dark," he says. "But maybe with you, I won't need to. At all seems like more than enough, though." He sighs deeply and pulls Ben a little closer. "I'd appreciate the note if you can, too."

Ben cuddles close and nods. "I'll do my best to make sure you know what's going on. Although if it gets bad enough for me to go out running, you'll probably know about it unless you're at work or something."

"I do hope with each other around that we can both find better ways to deal with things that bother us. I'd really love it if we can work it out so we help each other through those times. Although I know sometimes having another person around makes it worse instead of better."

"I'm pretty sure we'll have a clue about these things, but sometimes..." John sighs. "It can build up in a day. At least it has for me in the past."

"Better ways would be really good," he agrees. "I'm sure we can help each other. Even if it's to know that we can say that we really need to do this one alone and be okay with that."

With a nod, Ben places a kiss softly on John's neck. He's relieved they can discuss all of this without either of them getting upset. It's a nice change for him to have someone he can trust and open up to without fear of them telling him he's not enough. "You better watch out or I'm going to fall so in love with you that neither of us will ever be able to break free." he whispers softly, overwhelmed by just how lucky he's feeling right at the moment.

"I wouldn't mind that at all," John replies, just as softly. "I don't think I want to break free from you right now, so I hope it happens that way." He feels like his trust in Ben is returned and it feels, as always, so very right. "I know I want it to."

"I'm happy you feel that way because I'm not sure how to stop it from happening." Ben says, nuzzling into John's neck. Closing his eyes, he relaxes trustingly into the comfortable embrace.

"Then we'd better not try," John whispers, his arms holding Ben protectively. "Just let it happen." He feels at peace here, with Ben. More than he ever has. "Thank you," he murmurs. "For everything."

"Thank you." he mumbles, not even moving from the space he's settled into. He's just so warm, comfortable, safe and for the first time in as long as he can remember, he's really happy and content. "You're the best thing that has ever happened to me." Ben whispers softly.

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March 2nd, 2006