I Chose Right - Ben & anything_goes: Getting Test Results Back

Subject:	Ben & anything_goes: Getting Test Results Back
Time:	10:03 pm

{Players Only}
{Backdate to February 24, 2006}

"Ten o'clock," John whispers as he looks at the clock, not sure if Ben's awake yet. He's noticed that he's been sleeping later the last couple of days. He's really trying not to be too concerned, the utter exhaustion he'd suffered the other day was abated, but he's got his health more on his mind, with the blood tests coming back soon. He stares up at the ceiling, tracing the cracks with his eyes and praying, again, that he's okay. Fate couldn't be so cruel as to let him find Ben and to take him away, could it? He shakes his head, just slightly. Of course it could. He should expect it, really. But he'd like to believe it won't happen. It's just not an easy thing to believe.

Ben has been lying awake for a couple hours contemplating the day. His thoughts have been anything but cheerful as he considers all the things that could be wrong with either one of them. It has occurred to him more then once that John's collapse could have been caused by something more then overdoing things and the fact John still hasn't recovered fully is weighing heavily on Ben's mind. He knows he made the promise to try not to dwell on any potential results from the blood tests, but it's impossible not to consider how drastically their lives could change depending on what the doctor has to say today.

Doctors. That's just another issue to add to the day, his utter fear of seeing the man again despite knowing he's safe. In the time he's been awake while John slept Ben has made a vow to himself that he's not going to make this day any more difficult for John though so that means a positive attitude and not allowing his overwhelming fears to show. Once he hears John's whisper of the time he knows it's time. Taking a deep breath, he plasters a smile on his face and turns just enough to look at John. "Morning." he whispers.

"Morning," John replies, his voice still a little sleepy. Even that makes him wonder... again. He should know better than to rely on something staying good. He's been trying, like he promised - and asked - Ben, not to dwell on the test results, but he knows they'll be back today, if the schedule is right and there's no reason to believe it isn't. Or any reason to want it to take just a little longer on some levels. He thinks that if he could have just another few days with Ben, of not knowing and using condoms, he might be more ready to face... whatever it is. If there is anything to face.

It could be a completely different life this afternoon than it is this morning, and that scares John as much as the prospect of losing Ben.

Wanting to start their day a little more happily, Ben leans over and kisses John's lips softly. At that moment, he knows no matter what they find out he's in this until the end. When just one touch of John's lips on his can create a spark of happiness and contentment Ben knows he would be crazy to waste one minute of what they can have. So good or bad results, he's there until John tells him it's over which will hopefully be never. "We should probably get up and get ready for the day." he whispers softly. "I'll even make you breakfast if you would like."

The kiss, and Ben's words, which usually fall to him, actually make John smile a little. "Not usually you who's advocating getting up," he whispers. The kiss felt so good, he's half-tempted to stay here for longer, and they probably do have time, but... "You're right, we should get up," he nods. Thinking for a moment, he decides that breakfast might be something he can handle today. "I'm not very hungry but I guess we should have something..."

Smiling a little in sympathy, Ben nods. "Yeah, we both probably should try to eat a little bit even if we don't feel hungry. Even some toast and juice or something so your blood sugar doesn't get too low." He leans in and gives John one last lingering kiss before sliding out of bed reluctantly. Sliding on a pair of sweats he heads to the kitchen. "Would you prefer me to bring you breakfast in bed?" he asks over his shoulder.

"As tempting as that is, I think I'd better get up now," John says, standing slowly and pulling on some clothes. He'll get dressed properly later. He doesn't feel too sick today. This is a good thing. "Maybe some fruit, even," he says as he walks into the kitchen and kisses Ben again. "I feel... not so bad today," he whispers. "This is a good sign, right?"

Nodding and smiling slightly despite the worry that John not being fully recovered yet, he gives John another kiss. "Yes, that's a very good sign." he whispers softly. "Why don't you figure out what kind of fruit you feel like eating. I'll get coffee started and then I think I saw some muffins in the freezer last night that I can warm up."

"Sounds good," John gets oranges and bananas and cuts them up, watching Ben as he works. He likes the way Ben moves. That causes him to smile. "I am feeling better," he says, with a slight note of arousal in his voice. Not enough for it to go further now, but enough for Ben to know about it. He takes his pill and swallows some water before taking the plate with the cut up fruit to the table and sitting down.

Hearing the difference in John's voice, Ben smiles and spends a moment more then necessary looking John over. He follows John to the table with a plate of muffins in one hand and the coffee pot in the other. Setting down the plate, he pours both of them cups of coffee before returning the pot to the warmer and returning to the table to sit down. "I'm really glad you're feeling better. Maybe you just needed some extra sleep." he says before taking a sip of his coffee. "So after breakfast we need to get dressed? Do we have an appointment to get the results today or are we just supposed to show up?" he asks, deciding it was time to bring up the tests that were on both of their minds.

"That could be it," John nods. He grins a bit when Ben looks at him a bit longer and sips his coffee. He knew that subject would come up, he really did, but it takes him a moment to be able to answer anyway. "I... I'll check my voicemail, I think they were going to set up an appointment." Wow, he actually got through that entire sentence with only one voice flutter. He is improving. "I'm... scared," he admits, finally, looking at Ben before taking a muffin. "I keep saying there's no reason to be, but it doesn't seem to be helping much."

Setting down his own muffin, Ben reaches across the table and lays his hand over John's. "What are you scared about?" he asks softly. "I mean, I realize we're both scared they'll come back positive for one of us, but is there anything more specific that's making you scared? If you're worried about me leaving if something is wrong, it's not going to happen. I love you and I'm not going anywhere."

"I guess it's all wrapped up in being scared that they'll come back positive. I'm scared that we will lose this, lose us because of a stupid decision - if it was even a decision. And I don't mean right now, but later... It's the unknown, too, and also knowing that the unknown isn't going to be that in a few hours. The one thing I do know," and he smiles at this, "is that neither of us is going to leave. But that's about all I know right now."

"I'm scared they'll come back positive as well." he says gently. "I think I'm more scared it will come back positive for you, that I might lose you. I know that I've hated seeing you sick since we met. The dizziness and the being tired and frustrated because you can't do what you're used to. I don't want to think that would be the rest of your life." Ben shrugs and grins slightly. "And isn't this just showing such a positive attitude? You're going to be fine because you have to be. Same with me. We just found each other and we're not going to lose it all so soon."

"It wouldn't be," John says, with certainty. "I'd get past the frustration at least," he manages a smile, even though it's kind of difficult. "I just... try and get past it now, but sometimes it's not easy. And you're right. We will be fine." Determined, he smiles, again, at Ben. "Positive attitude. Yes. Must keep it up." Until they know differently, and he's not going to say that aloud. "For something a little more positive, let's say the tests do come back clear. Do you think we'll make it back from the doctor's office?"

"If I didn't know better, I'd think you had a problem controlling yourself around me." Ben teased, welcoming the lighter mood. "You really should learn to keep your urges under better control. Imagine thinking you won't be able to make it home from the doctor's office." Of course Ben wasn't about to mention the elevator fantasy he was still harboring from their last visit to the doctor's office.

"You haven't figured out yet that I do have a problem controlling myself around you?" John teases. "That a part of me wants to spread you across this table right now? That I am keeping those urges under a very tight control indeed?" He's only half-kidding, on another morning he just might have done that. He still might, another day. "I actually have no idea how I'm going to not take you into the bathroom and suck you dry..."

Closing his eyes, Ben enjoys a moment where he can freely imagine John doing just that. Blinking his eyes open, he feels the color filling his face as he realizes sweat pants hide nothing when it comes to arousal. He clears his throat and hopes John doesn't realize just how much he got to Ben with that comment. He's wearing dark sweats so it won't show, right? "You'll just have to control yourself." he says with a voice that clearly states he won't mind if John doesn't control himself.

"I'll be controlling something," John says, not even bothering to hide the arousal in his voice. "Whether it's myself or you... well, we'll see, won't we?" He lowers his voice a little. "Would you like our first time without condoms to be quick and fast and hot and... a little kinky at least in the location, or would you prefer to wait and anticipate and get back here?"

"Um, yes." Ben says, his skin still flushed. Really if John wants to get to their appointment without Ben attacking him at some point he really should stop putting arousing images into his head. Pretty soon he's just going to say the hell with everything and drop to his knees for John.

"Do I take it to mean that you'd like both?" John asks, but he stops the teasing after that last question and goes to the phone to check his voicemail. "The appointment's in a half hour,' he says, and tries very hard not to think again of the possibility of things going badly. "So we get dressed. Try and keep our hands off each other. Go to the appointment. And after that... we'll see?"

Just hearing the appointment is so soon wipes any teasing or positive attitude out of Ben. With a nod, he heads to the bedroom to quickly get dressed. He figures now is the perfect time to keep his mouth shut so he doesn't alert John to the intensity of his fear of the doctor or the results of the tests.

John follows, biting his lip, wishing... well, for the next half hour or so to be over, because that should be long enough. He gets dressed, not even looking at Ben, just in case he loses that control or tries to pretend that's why he'd be attacking him. "I'm feeling okay, but if you want you can drive," he says to Ben.

"It's up to you." Ben says, looking up once he's completely dressed. "I don't have any great need to drive but if you'd like I certainly can." He forces himself to stay still while waiting for John to finish getting dressed.

"I probably know the shortcuts better," John answers. "Might as well get it over with quickly." He runs his hands through his hair and starts to walk out, nervousness and fear making him go faster. "Ready?" he throws back from the door.

"Yeah, I'm ready." he says just loud enough for John to hear as he follows him out. He can tell John is nervous about the results and decides it's better for both of them if he keeps his sentences simple so he doesn't exacerbate the situation.

Driving out of the garage, John puts the radio on in the car, which he rarely does when he drives with Ben, they are usually talking or teasing but today he just can't handle it. He doesn't even know what's playing, just that he doesn't have to talk over it. And it's not that long before they get to the doctor's office.

Ben has spent the entire drive staring out the window and wishing for it all to be over. He's a little surprised when they get to the doctor's office so quickly though. Deciding the quicker he gets going the sooner it will be over, Ben takes a deep breath and opens the door. "You ready for this? As ready as you can be anyway?"

"It's going to be better to know," John replies "No matter what. So yes." He locks the car and walks around to Ben. Without thinking he presses himself tightly against him, his arms going around his lover. "I love you, no matter what," he says before gently moving back and taking Ben's hand. "Let's go."

"Love you too." he whispers as John starts walking. Ben is glad he's got hold of John's hand, for a reminder of just why they're doing this in the first place. Just the idea of getting to be with John with no barriers between them is worth all of this he reminds himself. Plus, they need to be sure there is nothing wrong with either of them so they're better prepared for the future. With his resolve back in place, Ben matches his strides to John's as they enter the building.

It's almost a surprise when they are sent right through, which makes John wonder if there's a reason for it. But it could just be that they're right on time, so he doesn't think of it as a bad sign

He waits, anticipating, for the doctor to tell them.

To keep from pacing in the room while they wait, Ben props himself against the wall and pulls John into his arms. He nuzzles into his neck gently. "No matter what, I love you and that's the most important thing." he whispers softly, hoping to comfort and reassure John.

"It is, for us both," John nods and relaxes a little. Well, until the doctor comes in. He can feel himself stiffening in Ben's arms, though he knows the doctor won't look twice at them for holding each other.

It takes a moment for the words to penetrate. They're okay. Both of them. John almost kisses the doctor as well, but instead turns and kisses Ben long and deep.

Ben is still wondering if he heard correctly when he feels John's lips on his. It's almost anticlimactic to hear they're both okay after all the worrying and expecting the worst. At the moment though, he's just happy to have John in his arms and know he isn't going to lose him to some disease anytime soon.

Separating for a moment, John makes an appointment for his next check-up, then turns to Ben. "I want to go home," is all he says. He knows Ben will know the rest he can't find words for right now.

"Let's go." Ben replies, taking John's hand and with a nod to the doctor he heads for the door. He knows he's a little bit shocked still from the negative results, but underlining it is an immense happiness that John is okay and Ben wants to get home to celebrate it. Without asking or thinking about it, he gets John settled into the passenger seat and takes the driver seat for himself.

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September 24th, 2006