Email to ![[info]](http://www.journalfen.net/img/userinfo.gif) rpg_rufus |
[03 Apr 2004|01:00am] |
To: rufus.sewell@establishment.rpg
CC: elsa.tanner@eststaffing.rpg
Subject: Shopping List
Hey love,
I pretty much tend to cook based on whatever comes to hand, but it helps to have a few staples to work with. Take ( these for example )
There. That should keep us from expiring of starvation for a day or two. Also, you'll note that I thoughtfully saved you the trouble of forwarding this straight to Elsa. Hello, Elsa! *waves* I'm the clean sort, I swear.
Love,
Paul
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| Phone message for rpg_rufus |
[03 Apr 2004|12:24am] |
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Monday, huh? Well, I hope you don't mind immediate invasion. *voice drops into a low purr* I'm too greedy to wait a moment longer than I have to. See you soon, poodle. Love you.
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| return message to heath_ledger |
[26 Mar 2004|06:18am] |
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Hey yourself, sweetheart. *snorts* Funny you should ask. I'll ring you back tonight, maybe catch you then. I wanted to check with you anyway - all those public posts about your Master and other men, after all that you two just went through. Well...forgive me for being the old mother hen, I hope? Just want to make sure you're fine with everything. Love you, puppy.
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| Voice mail for heath_ledger |
[09 Mar 2004|10:37pm] |
Oi. You. You never write, you never call. You are a very bad puppy indeed.
*pause, as Paul's voice drops to a serious timbre*
Really, love. Are things all right? I've been traveling, and I haven't talked to you in way too long. *kissy noises* Call me, brat.
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| Bitch, bitch, whine, bitch. |
[08 Mar 2004|07:06am] |
[private]
[private post]
Lather, rinse, repeat.
The trip really was lovely - those boys are darling, but I fear for them. Especially after reading Diego's entry. I did some searching and found a few support groups in the LA area they could attend - I think being around people going through the same things they are would be incredibly helpful. Making love with Gael was so sweet it made my heart hurt. He is so beautiful, so fragile, so brilliant. I do not often pray (and never ever for myself) but I do pray for him. I just won't tell him.
I got back to London only to have a message on my home voice mail from vincent_cassel asking me to come over because he had a favour to ask of me. I showed up yesterday afternoon, with no idea what to expect. Vincent, bless him, is an odd duck at the best of times, and one never quite knows what's going to come out of his mouth at any given moment. As it happens, this time the request was to do a scene where I fuck him as he fucks Monica. I have to admit to a certain surprise - Vincent is staunchly toppy and dominant. He's never even been fucked, in point of fact, and he wanted me to remedy that situation. I was certainly touched. He is a dear friend, and until I met Antonio, he was pretty much my perfect dom, and one of the only people I have ever let seriously mark my skin. And yet, when he asked me if I wanted to go 'practice', all I could think was how sweet and precious this truly was. I made love to him slowly, made it as goddamned good as I knew how. By the time he was lying in my arms, he was more bonelessly sated than I've ever seen him. Felt a bit smug, I did.
And it certainly kept my mind off Rufus for an afternoon, which is more than a welcome idea. My stomach aches when I think about him, in that strange way that only dissipates when you pull your beloved on top of you and press your belly up to his as hard as you can. The sheer, twisting ANGST of this is so foreign to me. With Antonio, I was so thoroughly swept off my feet there was no time to angst over it, or worry about it. It just happened. Is this then that pesky feeling people always talk about when they say say love hurts? Yeah, well. No shit. It fucking kills.
To make my ridiculously complex life even more difficult, there is Javier. Antonio told me, in a shared revelation before we left for LA, that his feelings for his brother run deeper than mere brotherhood with some lust thrown in to make things interesting. He's in love with Javier, and Javier is getting a divorce. Well. I can't say that this upsets me, but how could I fail to realise what a high stakes game this is, now? So much depends on how well I can handle this. I told Antonio that Javier must come stay with us for awhile after the worst of the divorce is passed, so that we can pet him. Antonio wants them to have a house of some sort together, so that they can have their time, and how could I deny him? It's just...much. Very muchly much. I need to wrap my head around it all with the assistance of alcohol, music, and pot, yes I do.
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[04 Mar 2004|06:33am] |
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music |
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One of D's Cuban CDs |
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[public]
This has to be the most fabulous trip to LA I've ever had. bad_moon and gael are wonderful, gracious hosts. Antonio and I have spent a week lolling about their garden drinking, smoking, fucking and being generally useless. I did cook a few times. We survived the Oscars admirably, though Miramax wouldn't give Gael and Diego up and we were separated for the duration of the show. It was a tricksome thing for Antonio and I to arrange OUR seating, but we did it. And fortunately, people just keep assuming we're buddies. Well, whatever works.
And further: thank you to whatever gorgeous creature amongst you passed out those masks. They are beautiful We all put ours on and played hide and seek in the courtyard.
[private]
Fuck, Rufus, I miss you so much. You know when people ask sarcastically 'Does it hurt to be that stupid?' Now I can definitively answer, 'YES'. It does fucking hurt. A lot. I guess it's time to swallow my wounded male pride.
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| Return voicemail to rpg_rufus |
[24 Feb 2004|02:45pm] |
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*just as brightly* "Sounds like you're painting the town. Just remember the NYPD is not as easy to bribe as the Prague police. I'll catch you sometime soon, I'm sure. Antonio and I are heading to LA tonight. I miss you too!" *click*
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| [private] |
[24 Feb 2004|09:29am] |
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As it turns out, the 'in' is rather a big fucking deal. I am possibly the stupidest man alive. No, not possibly. I think I have the title now. I've earned it.
How bloody embarrassing.
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| Chat Log, Rufus/Paul |
[24 Feb 2004|09:21am] |
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[Players, not pups. Before Rufus leaves for New York with Stephen, some melodramatic truths are revealed.]
( Should have stuck with avoidance!sex. )
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| Chat Log, bettany/vincent_cassel, Thursday, 20 February |
[20 Feb 2004|08:51am] |
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mood |
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Frivolous |
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music |
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Sarah MacLachlan, 'Building a Mystery' |
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[Players, not pups. What? Paul a slut? I'm sure I have no idea what you're talking about.]
( That bloody hurt, you bastard. )
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| [private] |
[18 Feb 2004|07:30am] |
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mood |
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baffled |
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music |
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Dave Matthews Band, 'Dancing Nancies' |
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A million dollars U.S. Wow. That's the sort of number you don't quibble with. It's overwhelmingly generous. It's just flat out overwhelming. But then, that word is Antonio in a nutshell, isn't it? Nothing, no one can stand against his charisma and his force of will. A simple man he may be, but in that simplicity he finds incredible focus and drive to get what he wants.
I've been told before that I have a very strong will of my own that manifests as everything from mulish stubbornness to flirtatious persuasion. But Antonio makes me feel so weak sometimes. I guess this is all part of having a Master. Having a partner who is both lover and Master is very different for me, admittedly. Puts one a bit off balance. On the whole, I'm very glad we haven't adopted a full master/slave relationship. Frankly, I think I finally know for certain that that lifestyle isn't for me. I think that my personality only allows me to submit so completely during scenes because I'm terribly independent the rest of the time. Good thing to get figured out about oneself, I suppose.
It's been a trick, figuring out all the roiling emotions that have been scalding through my belly over the past few months. Antonio swept me off my feet so thoroughly I couldn't even think, and Rufus crept in quietly and curled up in his undemanding way. Now I have not one but two men I'm crazy in love with, and the fact that I can have both (but Rufus only to a point) strangely makes things even more complex.
All Rufus and I needed was a little time together in the same city for our relationship to deepen from a comfortable, friendly sort of love to something entirely deeper and more unsettling. I realize that am in love with him, now, and I fear that I'm doing a terrible job hiding it and an even worse job dealing with it. I'm not even sure he gets that things have changed between us. What am I saying? This is Rufus, of course he hasn't. Hmph.
But what do these changes mean? I really wish I weren't so histrionic by nature. How Rufus would laugh, watching me work myself up over something basically, can't be changed. Or helped. Or fixed. He doesn't want to leave Stephen. I don't want to leave Antonio. So I'll just have to figure out a way to include Rufus, to make time for him, no matter what.
It has not escaped my notice that on the surface Rufus and I are a ridiculously compatible couple, far more so than Antonio and I seem to be. However, Antonio is the perfect complement to me, strong where I am weak, weak where I am strong (metaphorically speaking of course - no one could ever describe either of us as weak people). A good combination of high passions and solid Englishness.
Ah, well. There's marketing and laundry to be done. Maundering will have to wait.
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| While Antonio showers Saturday, |
[15 Feb 2004|11:01am] |
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Paul leaves these on the dresser:
A tape, bearing the handwritten label Funny how we both had music on our minds this Valentine's. I've been taking lessons. The tape is Paul playing flamenco-style guitar.
An embossed, 100% recycled envelope written on with soybean ink, containing a card. After much consultation with one Javier Banderas, I have secured us one night at El Mesón De la Flor Del Escarlata in Marbella, Espana, as well as the services of any of the lovely ladies in its employ that might strike your fancy. Time to live out some of those juvenile fantasies.
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| Delivered to rpg_rufus |
[14 Feb 2004|08:27am] |
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An animation cel by one Bill Sewell, ca. 1973, signed.
I wasn't sure if you had any of your father's art, so I searched around some studios and museums and found this. I love you, Rufus. Have a marvellous day, sweetheart.
Paul
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[26 Jan 2004|09:28am] |
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Is there anything to compare with the gift of trust when a confirmed dominant submits? I do not think anything is quite so beautiful as watching that struggle, watching those natural instincts subsume beneath the love that motivates the sacrifice.
Last night, I had Antonio bound and out of his mind with pleasure. He wasn't thinking of pleasing me. I took away every last bit of his responsibility and gave him permission to do nothing but feel. And it was incomparably beautiful.
A very public thank you, my darling, for trusting me so much, and giving yourself so sweetly.
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| Chat Log, Paul/Antonio, Sunday Night, 25 January |
[26 Jan 2004|09:20am] |
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[players, not pups. Paul tops Antonio for the very first time.]
( Delicious torment. )
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| Chat Log, Rufus/Paul, late last week |
[13 Jan 2004|10:20am] |
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mood |
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Candy-Coated |
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music |
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The Cure, 'Letter to Elise' |
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[players, not pups. what's the use of being classically trained, world-class actors if you can't use your mad skills for perverted roleplaying scenes? warning for 'underage' play.]
( M!Paul: I am an overindulged sot. )
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| *boggles* |
[08 Jan 2004|09:38am] |
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mood |
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ecstatic |
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music |
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Dave Matthews, 'Ship in a Bottle' |
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[friends locked]
I'm going to be a father. Not a stepfather...a *father*. Of my own biological child. Yes, your greatest fears are about to come true: the Bettany is going to spawn.
However, since Salma is the other half of the equation (more than half - who are we kidding? my work in the matter comprises roughly ten seconds of ejaculation) I suspect the child will be more possessed of grace and beauty than I could ever imagine.
Yes, before any of you (I'm looking at you, Rufus darling) start fretting, we do have things worked out, and there will be all sorts of legal papers and whatnot before we actually get around to conceiving. And yes, I am absolutely beyond over the moon.
If it's a boy? Matthew Javier Rufus Bettany. The poor darling. Let's hope for a girl, shall we?
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