[private]
A million dollars U.S. Wow. That's the sort of number you don't quibble with. It's overwhelmingly generous. It's just flat out overwhelming. But then, that word is Antonio in a nutshell, isn't it? Nothing, no one can stand against his charisma and his force of will. A simple man he may be, but in that simplicity he finds incredible focus and drive to get what he wants.

I've been told before that I have a very strong will of my own that manifests as everything from mulish stubbornness to flirtatious persuasion. But Antonio makes me feel so weak sometimes. I guess this is all part of having a Master. Having a partner who is both lover and Master is very different for me, admittedly. Puts one a bit off balance. On the whole, I'm very glad we haven't adopted a full master/slave relationship. Frankly, I think I finally know for certain that that lifestyle isn't for me. I think that my personality only allows me to submit so completely during scenes because I'm terribly independent the rest of the time. Good thing to get figured out about oneself, I suppose.

It's been a trick, figuring out all the roiling emotions that have been scalding through my belly over the past few months. Antonio swept me off my feet so thoroughly I couldn't even think, and Rufus crept in quietly and curled up in his undemanding way. Now I have not one but two men I'm crazy in love with, and the fact that I can have both (but Rufus only to a point) strangely makes things even more complex.

All Rufus and I needed was a little time together in the same city for our relationship to deepen from a comfortable, friendly sort of love to something entirely deeper and more unsettling. I realize that am in love with him, now, and I fear that I'm doing a terrible job hiding it and an even worse job dealing with it. I'm not even sure he gets that things have changed between us. What am I saying? This is Rufus, of course he hasn't. Hmph.

But what do these changes mean? I really wish I weren't so histrionic by nature. How Rufus would laugh, watching me work myself up over something basically, can't be changed. Or helped. Or fixed. He doesn't want to leave Stephen. I don't want to leave Antonio. So I'll just have to figure out a way to include Rufus, to make time for him, no matter what.

It has not escaped my notice that on the surface Rufus and I are a ridiculously compatible couple, far more so than Antonio and I seem to be. However, Antonio is the perfect complement to me, strong where I am weak, weak where I am strong (metaphorically speaking of course - no one could ever describe either of us as weak people). A good combination of high passions and solid Englishness.

Ah, well. There's marketing and laundry to be done. Maundering will have to wait.