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bitch_ass_hoe (![[info]](http://www.journalfen.net/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} bitch_ass_hoe) wrote,@ 2006-10-12 19:55:00 |
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MSTED: the Star Wars Holiday Special - part 5
62. INT. WOOKIEE HOME - LUMPY'S ROOM
The Imperial guard and a stormtrooper tear apart Lumpy's
room searching for Rebel material.
</pre>
62. INT. WOOKIEE HOME - LUMPY'S ROOM
The Imperial guard and a stormtrooper tear apart Lumpy's
room searching for Rebel material.
</pre>
darthsappho: So
is the last 30 minutes of this just going to be the Empire smashing
up this one house?
They throw his toys
and belongings all over.
laputain (as Guard): “A lot of Wookiee semen stains... nothing useful.”
The guard even decides to tear
the head off of Lumpy's stuffed bantha doll.
laputain (as
Guard): “This cuddly bantha doll will pay the price for your
insolence!”
He then
tosses it to the floor.
IMPERIAL GUARD
(to stormtrooper)
Let's go.
darthsappho (as Guard): “I am feeling EVIL today!”
The two head down the staircase.
63. INT. WOOKIEE HOME - MAIN LIVING AREA
The guard and stormtrooper come down the stairs.
jessikast: What's in Itchy's brain?
IMPERIAL GUARD
(to officer)
Nothing up there.
IMPERIAL OFFICER
(to Lumpy)
Go clean up your room.
Lumpy reluctantly turns off his game and goes up to his
room.
laputain (as Lumpy): You bitch!
64. INT. WOOKIEE HOME - LUMPY'S ROOM
Lumpy goes into his room and howls at the condition that
the Imperials left his room in.
65. INT. WOOKIEE HOME - MAIN LIVING AREA
Malla looks upset at hearing her son's cry.
IMPERIAL OFFICER
(to Malla)
That will keep him busy for a while.
darthsappho: “Oh Mary Poppins! How you've changed!”
66. INT. WOOKIEE HOME - LUMPY'S ROOM
Lumpy sees his bantha doll in pieces. He picks up the
head and hugs it to his chest. He then picks up the body
and carries the parts over to his bed. He lays the head
and body on his bed and covers them up with a blanket. jessikast:
This is the only bit of the movie that made me feel anything. Apart
from revulsion.
laputain:
If Lumpy wasn't in the rebellion before, he would be now.
He
then starts to search his room for the cassette that came
with the gift that Saundan brought him earlier. He finds
it and inserts it into the monitor in his room.
darthsappho (as Lumpy): “I know! I'll hack into Imperial Central with my new Commodore 64!”
The tape
mini-transmitter. A woman's voice begins to speak.
starts to play and show a man holding an assembled
WOMAN'S VOICE
(over speaker)
This product was packed under strict
quality control on the system Amorphia
and this instructional cassette provided
by the manufacturer. It offers a unique
chance for consumers everywhere to meet
an Amorphian being.
jessikast (as video): “To avoid watching the rest of this show, please remove razorblade from protective packaging. Apply firmly to wrist...”
The motor abilities
of Amorphian citizens are frequently
impaired by malfunctions which results in
a temporary loss of power. This in no way
reflects on the safety of our product,
rather it should serve as a guarantee of
our high standards of long wear and
durability.
The Amorphian puts the transmitter on a table and starts
his instructions.
laputain: What,
did they have pictures of Harvey Korman with a donkey?
darthsappho:
Two donkeys.
jessikast:
“Hello, and welcome to the worst part of the whole show.”
AMORPHIAN BEING
(on monitor)
Thank you for selecting our brand of
mini-transmitter. If you assemble it
properly, following the instructions I'm
about to give you. It will provide
(slowing down)
many years of fun and valuable services.
(normally)
But, now let's get started, shall we?
First, find the sealed package containing
all the tools you'll need. Ah, it looks
like this.
The man picks up a clear zip-lock bag. Lumpy picks up
his, also.
laputain: Ziplock bags! Of! The! Future!
AMORPHIAN BEING
Try not to rip it open because it makes a
very handy storage case for your tools
until you need them again.
He pulls a small tool out of his bag.
AMORPHIAN BEING
Now, this is the first thing you'll need.
jessikast: A
nipple clamp?
Please be careful not to hurt yourself on
the sharp edges.
He touches the tool's point and pulls his hand back in
pain.
AMORPHIAN BEING
(slowing down)
Ouch.
laputain: He's
doing the Disco Duck!
He picks up a very small item. Lumpy looks through his
stuff to find his.
AMORPHIAN BEING
(normally)
Now, find the circuit breaker module and
by the way, let's start calling these
components by their proper names.
darthsappho: First the porn, now a sex-ed video.
(slowing down)
Circuit breaker module.
(normally)
Remember, every one of the ten thousand
terminals on your circuit breaker module
is marked in a particular color. Beautiful,
aren't they? Like a rainbow.
jessikast: Well, that's helpful. Wookiees are colourblind!
These must be
connected with the wires with the
corresponding colors. So, red goes to red.
Blue goes to blue and so on. Now, watch me
closely.
(irregular speed)
And we'll assemble our mini-transmitters
together.
jessikast: Do I
have to?
laputain:
You know your film sucks when a how-to video is comic relief.
Let us work slowly and
methodically because this is a job worth
doing well.
darthsappho:
Aaaah! He's possessed!
(normally)
Well, I see time is running out. So, we
better turn our attention to the assembly
of the impulse to voice translator. The
impulse to voice translator. The very
heart of the mini-transmitter which
converts electronic energy which provide
into any of a thousand
(slowing down)
recognizable languages.
We must remain
alert for this very complicated procedure.
Endurance and concentration are the key
words here and the total utilization of
our neural cranial synapsis is absolutely
essential.
laputain: And now he sounds like Vader.
While the Amorphian is saying his last part of dialogue,
he crumples slowly to the floor until his head comes to
rest on the table.
jessikast: You
know who this dude is? The director.
The cassette ends. Lumpy gets to work
on assembling his mini-transmitter.
darthsappho
:Thrill as Lumpy builds a cellphone out of lego!
67. EXT. WOOKIEE HOME - DAY
The camera zooms in on the second story of Chewbacca's
family's home.
68. INT. WOOKIEE HOME- LUMPY'S ROOM
Lumpy is seated on the floor. He is busy at work putting
together his mini-transmitter.
69. INT. WOOKIEE HOME - MAIN LIVING AREA
The Imperial officer and guard are talking quietly with
one another. The wall screen beeps and the Imperials walk
over to see what the announcement is. The screen shows a
view of Tatooine from space.
MALE ANNOUNCER
(over speaker)
The following live broadcast is
recommended by the Imperial council in
the belief that your commitment to remain
upstanding citizens will be reinforced.
It is required viewing for all members of
the Imperial forces.
The screen cuts to various scenes of activity in the
streets of Mos Eisley.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER
(over speaker)
Time now for life on Tatooine. Brought to
viewers everywhere in the hope that our
own lives may be uplifted by the
comparison and enriched with the
gratitude of relief. This transmission is
unrehearsed and unedited and is hereby
begun without further comment as to its
lack of moral value.
laputain: Fascist
reality TV!
The monitor cuts to a view inside of a cantina. There are
dozens of bizarre aliens seated throughout. The bar's
patrons are being entertained by a Bith band.
jessikast: The
cantina band only knows one song!
darthsappho: These guys haven't moved since Obi-Wan was through here.
laputain: (to band) Yeah! Spank that pole!
Tork, the
bar's bouncer, picks up a customer from his seat and
takes him out of the bar. A man walks into the bar past
the exiting Tork and companion. The man is Krelman and he
is carrying a flower in his hand.
darthsappho: Harvey Korman! The man of a thousand stupid faces.
The bartender, Ackmena,
interrupts two aliens seated at the bar who are
conversing.
ACKMENA
Well, I'm certainly not going to get rich
with customers like you. I thought I
taught you to drink faster than that. Well,
at least you're steady. Oh, come on now.
Drink up. There's plenty more where that
came from.
Krelman walks up to the bar and takes a seat. He places
the flower on the countertop.
ACKMENA
(to Krelman)
What'll it be?
KRELMAN
Hello, Ackmena.
ACKMENA
Okay, we'll do it your way. Hello. Now,
we'll do it my way. What'll it be?
KRELMAN
Can we talk?
ACKMENA
Well of course we can talk. We are talking.
You're not ordering. I'm not pouring. We
are not drinking. We are talking.
Ackmena moves the flower aside that He brought.
ACKMENA
I'm moving this to make room for a drink,
so that next time I say "what'll it be"
and you tell me. I can put it right there.
KRELMAN
Doesn't matter. Give me anything.
He points to a red pitcher behind the bar.
KRELMAN
I'll have one of those.
darthsappho: You mean Jabba's urine sample? Oookay....
Ackmena gets the pitcher and pours some of it's contents
into a glass in front of him.
KRELMAN
I'm sorry I couldn't get back before.
ACKMENA
Ah, before what?
KRELMAN
Uh, until now, until tonight. I thought
about it a dozen times. I had to be sure.
ACKMENA
Ah, excuse me. I have a customer waiting.
I'll be right back.
She walks away from him.
KRELMAN
"Come back soon, I'll be waiting."
Ackmena pours a drink for an Ithorian who is seated
farther down the bar.
jessikast (as
Ackmena): "There's a good little sentient being. Aren't you the
best little sentient being? Yes you are...”
Krelman pours his drink into the
top of his head.
KRELMAN
Ackmena?
She hesitantly walks back over to Krelman.
laputain: Does she always come when her patrons finger her?
ACKMENA
How's your drink?
KRELMAN
It's all gone. Look, there's a flower on
top of it.
ACKMENA
I see there is. Do you want another drink?
KRELMAN
The flower is for you. I wanted to bring
you something and that's all I could
think of.
ACKMENA
I don't get many flowers. I uh... but you
didn't have to bring me anything Ah, ah...
KRELMAN
Krelman.
ACKMENA
Krelman, what a nice name.
jessikast: I wish this chick was the main character instead of Lumpy.
KRELMAN
When I left here the other night, I felt
something that I haven't felt in longer
than I care to remember.
darthsappho: “I felt gastroenteritis!”
I felt alive
again. Someone made me feel like all the
years I've lived meant something. And all
you said was six simple words. "Come back
soon, I'll be waiting."
He counts the last six words on the six fingers of his
left hand.
darthsappho: My name is Inigo Montoya! You killed my father! Prepare to die!
laputain: My name is Darth Vader. I am your father. Prepare to die.
ACKMENA
Well, after all, only words I probably...
He grabs her hand in his own.
KRELMAN
(interrupting)
...more than words. I knew that at the
time. That's why I went home and thought
and thought about what you said.
jessikast: Okay... calling the cops now...
ACKMENA
Oh? What did I say?
KRELMAN
It uh, it doesn't matter, silly. What you
said is not as important as what you meant.
ACKMENA
Oh? What did I mean?
KRELMAN
I decided what you meant was exactly the
thing I needed to hear.
ACKMENA
Well, I'm glad about that.
Ackmena walks further down the bar. Krelman gets up and
follows her. He even goes behind the bar after her. She
is trying to clean behind the bar with a rag.
KRELMAN
You know its funny. A man can live as
long as I have. Through all the ups and
downs and just when he thinks its all
over, someone cares for him again. I
wasn't looking for that when I came in
here. Maybe that's why it, it happened.
Because I wasn't asking for love anymore.
I wasn't desperate. I wasn't begging,
whining, ruffling, sniveling.
jessikast: I find that hard to believe.
I just came
in here for a drink and I find a lot more.
He hugs Ackmena from behind. She is at a loss for words.
laputain: Elbow
him in the nuts! If he has any!
darthsappho
(as Ackmena): “Say, is that Old Kessel Spice you're wearing?”
ACKMENA
Uh, uh, Kerlman...
KRELMAN
Krelman.
She disengages herself from his embrace.
ACKMENA
Uh, lis... listen uh, Krelman. You're,
you're kind and, and sweet and, and
terribly attractive
jessikast: And I'm an expert liar...
but, if, if you're
saying what I think you're saying you
felt you meant I thought you needed to
hear then, I just have one thing to say.
I did not.
KRELMAN
Ackmena, don't do this to me...
ACKMENA
(interrupting)
Now, please look! I have customers.
darthsappho: And syphillis!
She motions for him to go back to the other side of the
counter and he complies.
ACKMENA
Why don't you sit down. Finish your drink.
Have another drink. This one's on me.
Krelman is back in his seat. Ackmena pours a directly from
the pitcher into the top of his head.
ACKMENA
Now, you stay just as long as you want.
But, I have business to attend to. I
really have no time for anything else.
She puts the pitcher down and walks away.
KRELMAN
You'll change your mind. I just know you
will. Six simple words. I could wait
forever to hear it again because I know...
A customer at the bar gets up and leaves. Ackmena waves
farewell.
ACKMENA
(to customer)
Come back soon, I'll be waiting.
Krelman gets upset and puts his hood over his head. He
then puts his head down on the table.
laputain (as Krelman): “Oh well, looks like the old razorblade for me again tonight.”
The wall screen
beeps and an Imperial officer appears on it. The music
and conversation stops as all attention is turned to the
wall screen.
darthsappho: Turnip-Ass returns!
IMPERIAL OFFICER
(on monitor)
Due to increased activity among subversive
forces, we are placing a curfew on the
entire Tatooine system effective
immediately. All inhabitants will return
to their homes at once. This order will
remain in effect until further notice.
jessikast: Look
out! Killjoy was here!
All conversation resumes in the bar. Ackmena walks over
to the bandstand.
ACKMENA
(to band member)
Okay, Bobbarine. Take a break.
He says something back to her.
ACKMENA
I don't know how long. Maybe forever.
The band has a fit at her answer.
ACKMENA
Oh, don't leave me now. Please, please, I
have enough aggravation. Alright, one
more round before you leave. And this
one's on the me.
(to Tork)
Tork, see what the boys on the bandstand
will have.
Tork heads over to follow her order. Ackmena goes back
behind the bar. She goes up to two aliens seated at the
bar. They are speaking to each other in an alien dialect.
ACKMENA
(to aliens)
Gentlemen, gentlemen, I don't know how to
tell you this but I guess the wall screen
said it all. We're closed.
The aliens just ignore her. She raises her voice to speak
to everyone.
ACKMENA
(yelling)
Gentlemen, I guess you didn't hear what I
said. The Empire has closed us down. Now,
I know this sort of thing happens all the
time. I... I'm sure it's just temporary,
fellas. The party is over.
Some of the patrons throw things at her. She gets angry.
Tork comes to her aid.
laputain: She
needs some more bouncers.
darthsappho:
With lightsabers.
ACKMENA
(to patrons)
How dare you. You stop that.
(to Tork)
Stop Tork, it's alright. I'll reason with them.
She goes over to two more aliens seated at the bar.
ACKMENA
(to two aliens)
Kelnor, Zutnor, come on you guys. Haven't
I always lent you money?
laputain: Yes, that was your first mistake.
The continue their conversation as if she wasn't there.
She walks over to a table where Ludlow, a Rodian is
seated.
ACKMENA
(to Ludlow)
Ludlow, Ludlow, you of all creatures.
Please do me a favor and leave.
Ludlow looks down at the table and ignores her.
ACKMENA
Ludlow, you're heartless.
laputain (as Ludlow): “So are all my species, you rude cow! What's it to ya?”
She goes to another table.
ACKMENA
(to Thorp)
Thorp, Thorp, after all I've down for you.
Short memory, eh, Thorp?
He just looks away from her.
ACKMENA
(yelling)
Short memory!
She goes to yet another table.
ACKMENA
(to creature, normally)
Helpmus, do you remember the time that...
She realizes that the creature she is talking to is not
Helpmus.
ACKMENA
I don't believe we've met.
Two aliens enter the bar. Ackmena walks over to them.
ACKMENA
(to aliens)
We're closed! I said, we're closed. Look,
I'm sorry we are closed.
darthsappho: No-one will be seated during the thrilling bar-closing scene!
The Empire just
imposed a curfew on this planet. Everybody
has to leave right now. Now...
One of the aliens pulls a blaster on her. Tork comes to
her aid. She stops him.
ACKMENA
(to Tork)
Tork, I don't want anymore trouble. You,
take care of the door.
The two aliens go into the bar and take a seat. The crowd
begins to pound their empty glasses on the tables.
laputain: “We – will – we – will – ROCK YOU!”
ACKMENA
Alright, alright, alright, alright. I can
take a hint. We'll have one more round.
This one's on the house.
jessikast: She
puts so much on the house, she doesn't need the Empire to put her out
of business.
They crows stop banging the tables and cheer her. She
heads back behind the bar. The band starts to play again.
ACKMENA
(under her breath)
I'll run a tab for the Empire.
Ackmena pours a drink and begins to sing. Drinks are
poured for everyone.
ACKMENA
(singing)
Just one more round, friend. Then homeward
bound, friend. Don't forget me in your
dreams. Just one more song, friend.
darthsappho: Gaah! The Empire tried to prevent the bad cabaret singing... but too late!
The
night's get shorter it seems. Just one
more rhyme, friend. Yes, it's a crime,
friend. But you know time, friend. Time
can fly.
Some of the creatures get up and leave. Ackmena waves to
them.
laputain: Yes,
imperial “reality TV” really is unrehearsed and spontaneous!
ACKMENA
(still singing)
So it's goodnight, friend. Goodnight, but
not goodbye. Just one more drop, friend. darthsappho:
This bar has a rodent problem.
Before we stop, friend. One more moment
face to face. Next time you're dry, friend.
Try stopping by, friend.
jessikast:
Actually, the singing is how she gets patrons to leave.
If there's a
light in the place. We may not cry, friend.
But we survive, friend. Look, we're alive,
friend. You and I.
Some more creatures leave the cantina.
laputain (as creature): “Yesh! I can shtill drive! Where are my keysh?”
ACKMENA
(still singing)
So say goodnight, friend. Goodnight, but
not goodbye.
An alien comes up to her and pulls her to the dance floor.
She begins to dance with him.
darthsappho: I
take it back. Jefferson Starship are much better than these guys.
ACKMENA
(still singing)
Just one more dance, friend. Just one more
chance, friend. One more chorus, one more
tune. It's not the end, friend. laputain:
“Oota toota, bartender?”
If you're
a friend, friend.
jessikast: “Friend”? Is the bartender Boba Fett?
Then you come back to me
soon. But it's too late, pal. To celebrate,
pal. You have to wait, pal. Don't you cry.
Now, it's goodnight, friend. Goodnight
friend. Goodnight friend. Follow me!
Ackmena starts a line of creatures following her,
swinging their glasses in the air.
darthsappho: I
yearn for the high quality scriptwriting and production values of the
Star Wars episode of the Muppets.
She leads them to the
door and they begin to file out. Tork takes the glasses
from their outstretched hands as they leave.
jessikast: Yeah! No stealing the jugs!
ACKMENA
(still singing)
You're such a dear, friend. You know I'm
here, friend. Is that a tear, friend. In
your eye? Now, it's goodnight, friend.
Goodnight friend. laputain:
“I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow!”
The last few people have just left. Ackmena closes the
door.
ACKMENA
(still singing)
Goodnight but not...
She walks back into the bar. Krelman is standing behind
the counter holding his flower. He hands the flower to
her.
darthsappho:
She's being stalked by Worzel Gummidge!
The wall screen goes off. The Imperial officer's
comlink beeps. He takes it off of his belt and pulls out
the antenna.
jessikast: The
Empire are truly sadistic bastards for making their troops watch
that.
