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bitch_ass_hoe (![[info]](http://www.journalfen.net/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} bitch_ass_hoe) wrote,@ 2006-10-12 19:38:00 |
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MSTed: the Star Wars Holiday Special - part 2
13. EXT. SPACE
Two Star Destroyers head across the screen.
14. INT. CORRIDOR
Darth Vader and an Imperial Officer are walking down a
corridor.
jessikast: This
is obviously overdubbed!
darthsappho:
Someone should tell them this doesn’t work when even one of the
characters’ mouths can be seen.
IMPERIAL OFFICER
We've ordered a blockade and a curfew. And,
started a search operation. It's just a
matter of time before we find the Rebels.
DARTH VADER
I want the Rebels located and identified.
If it means searching every household in
the system.
laputain (as
Vader): “I find your lack of lip-synching disturbing.”
15. EXT. WOOKIEE HOME - DAY
Again, we are outside the cartoonish tree home of
Chewbacca's family.
jessikast: This
house is pretty tidy. You'd think there'd be hair everywhere.
laputain:
A smuggler's income pays for all this? Isn't Jabba going to
foreclose?
16. INT. WOOKIEE HOME
Lumpy and Malla are in the kitchen finishing the dishes.
Lumpy gets done drying the dishes and hands the towel to
his mother. He then waves at her and leaves the kitchen.
Malla just shakes her head at him.
darthsappho (as Malla): “I'm beginning to think I cooked and ate the wrong kid.”
She then turns on the
monitor above the counter to a cooking show. A strange
looking "female" cook, Chef Gormaanda, comes on.
CHEF GORMAANDA
Hello...
Malla gives a greeting to the Chef Gormaanda.
ALL: Hi Dr Nick!
jessikast: Damn,
Alison Holst has really let herself go.
CHEF GORMAANDA
Today we are going to be preparing a very
succulent dish called "Bantha Surprise."
laputain: The
“surprise” is that there's a pint of vodka in it!
Malla heads over to another counter and get a large pot.
She brings it over by the monitor.
CHEF GORMAANDA
It's not only a very hearty, nourishing
dish, but it's very economical, too. So
all those hungry mouths in your household
will be going "yummy yum for their tummy
tum."
jessikast: This
is just dodgy, especially since Mala is substituting one of her young
for the bantha.
If you just follow along with me as
I prepare this popular favorite.
Chef Gormaanda picks up a hunk of meat off of her counter.
CHEF GORMAANDA
Now, today I'm going to be using the
tenderest cut of the bantha: the loin.
The loin is very tasty and serves four
nicely. But, of course, if your family
has a hearty appetite, I would suggest
then that old popular holiday favorite:
The Bantha Rump.
laputain: All
this talk about rumps and loins makes me wonder what Han and Chewie
are up to right now.
Malla growls in agreement. Chef Gormaanda drops her meat onto
the counter with a plop.
CHEF GORMAANDA
Um, very tender. Ah, we just slice into
bite-sized pieces.
Chef Gormaanda uses a small knife to slice up her's. Malla
(whose meat is already in front of her) uses a large
meat cleaver to "slice" hers.
jessikast: What is this, a grown-up Oompa-loompa?
CHEF GORMAANDA
And only you know the size of a bite in
your family!
Chef Gormaanda points her knife at the camera and winks to
emphasize her point.
CHEF GORMAANDA
Oh! Alright, now it's time to put our
chunks into our pots.
The two put their meat in the respective pots.
CHEF GORMAANDA
Nicely... nicely... Add a dash of negavo.
Chef Gormaanda tastes every ingredient she names before putting
it in her pot.
darthsappho: Mala
cooks in a washtub?
CHEF GORMAANDA
Umm, very good. A sprig of celentery. Umm,
umm, just a bit of turshum, always nice.
And, uh. Um! Turshum is nice! And, just a
little whisper of chelchum. Ah, looking
very nice.
Malla growls.
laputain: Cooking's much easier when you can make up new spices as you go along.
CHEF GORMAANDA
Guess what I forgot? A bit of the
calarantrum root! Wonderful! Just adds
that touch of piquancy. There we go.
Very nice. Um! Now we add enough liquid
to cover.
They both pour liquid into their pots.
CHEF GORMAANDA
And guess what we're ready for now: the
cooking! Step one - we stir the mixture.
Stir, stir, stir, stir, stir, stir, stir,
stir, stir, stir, stir, very nice.
Chef Gormaanda stirs her mixture with every "stir" she says
with a spoon. Malla is stirring hers, too.
jessikast: Ewww. Malla is no longer the least attractive female on this show.
CHEF GORMAANDA
Now, step two - while we're stirring, we
also whip.
Chef Gormaanda picks up a whip with her free hand. Malla follows
suit.
CHEF GORMAANDA
So it's stir, whip, stir, whip, whip,
whip, stir, stir, whip, stir, whip, whip,
whip, stir. Now, let's try it again
together at an increased tempo because
precision is very important in this
recipe and we do want a fine consistency,
don't we? So, and on the count of one -
stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir,
stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir.
Come on, faster altogether now. Cooking
can be fun.
laputain: In the Empire, even the cookery shows are fascist!
(faster)
Stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir,
stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, whip, stir.
Wah! Having fun, having fun, alright.
Having it all nicely, now. Step three -
we also have to beat.
A "third" hand comes from behind Chef Gormaanda and picks up a
mallet. It places it in the pot.
darthsappho: Now
there’s beating off.
CHEF GORMAANDA
So it's: beat, beat, beat, stir, whip,
stir, whip, beat, beat, stir. That's not
right. I'm sorry. Stir, whip, stir, whip,
whip, whip, stir, beat, stir, whip, stir,
whip, whip, whip, stir, beat. A ha ha,ha
ha ha, huh huh huh, huh huh huh. Coming...
coming along nicely. Mmmm, starting to
have a fine aroma.
Chef Gormaanda starts to sneeze. A "fourth" hand appears from
behind the cook. The hand puts a finger to her nose to
stop the sneeze.
laputain: She who is forewarned is four-armed.
CHEF GORMAANDA
Whew, caught it just in time. Now at this
time, I usually like to taste the broth.
So, we'll have a little taste and see how
it's coming along.
The fourth hand picks up a ladle and dips it in the pot
to get some broth. Chef Gormaanda tastes it. Malla just picks up
her whole pot and tastes it from there.
CHEF GORMAANDA
Mmmm, a little bit more turshum. A bit
negavo. A little tunkell. One for the pot,
um! Coming along very nice. Mmm! Oh,
wonderful! Coming along nicely...
Malla gets frustrated with keeping up with Chef Gormaanda and
shuts off her monitor. She takes her pot and puts it on
the floor.
jessikast: There. The ant poison is ready.
17. EXT. SPACE
Several TIE fighters are attacking the Falcon. The ships
exchange fire and one of the TIEs are destroyed.
laputain: Wow. They integrate the old and new footage so smoothly.
18. INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON - COCKPIT
Chewie puts his arm around Han and growls. Han smiles at
Chewie in return. Chewie growls again as the cockpit is
rocked from laser blasts.
HAN
Alright. Alright, the coordinates weren't
the best.
Chewie growls in agreement to Han's statement.
HAN
Out of the frying pan into the fryer, huh
pal?
darthsappho:
Exactly how broke was Harrison Ford?
How should I know we'd come outta
hyperspace into the middle of an Imperial
convoy. At least against these fighters
we got more of a chance. However slim...
Chewie growls something to Han.
jessikast: “Don’t
die, we haven’t had sex yet.”
HAN
You can say that again. This is one Life
Day we won't soon forget. Wait, I lost
control of the remote cannons.
Chewie growls.
HAN
I'm gonna hafta run back and operate the
aft gun manually. Stay on things here.
Why do I always think that taking you
home for Life Day's gonna be easy?
laputain: Who
needs to *show* a plot when one of your characters can just say it
all?
Chewie just growls back at Han.
19. INT. WOOKIEE HOME - MAIN LIVING AREA
Malla is standing near their shelves staring at the
picture of Chewie that she is holding. Itchy is sleeping
in a chair. A loud buzzer sounds and wakes him up.
jessikast (as Itchy): “Just resting my eyes!”
The
two look around in alarm, not knowing what it means. The
wall screen comes on and an Imperial Officer appears on
it.
IMPERIAL OFFICER
Attention all viewers.
darthsappho (as Officer): “I have a turnip up my ass.”
Malla and Itchy walk over to the screen to see what is the
problem.
IMPERIAL OFFICER
Due to suspected Rebel activity on the
Kashyyyk planet,
laputain: The Kazoo planet?
the Empire has declared
martial law. A blockade has been set up
around the planet. No ships will be
permitted to land or take off until
further notice.
jessikast: Oh no!
A plot twist!!!!!!
darthsappho
(as Malla): “Oh, yeah! We live under a fascist dictatorship! I
forgot.”
A knock is heard at the door. Malla takes Lumpy towards
the kitchen and Itchy goes to answer the door. He growls
to see who is at the door.
laputain (a la Life of Brian): “I'm a poor old Wookiee, my knees are bent, my fur is grey, my ears are long and grizzled...”
jessikast (as Itchy): “Come in if you're not the cops.”
SAUNDAN
(off screen)
It's me Saundan.
Itchy opens the door and lets him in. Saundan is carrying
a bag with a box in it in one hand and something that
looks like a "boom box" in the other. Both have bows on
them.
jessikast: How'd this guy get up the tree?
SAUNDAN
(on screen)
Hi, Itchy. I brought you that proton pack.
darthsappho :Is Itchy a ghostbuster?
laputain: I thought he was the walking dead himself.
You know, for the, uh, the whatsis, the
whatchamalcalit, the, the thingamabob,
the mind evaporator. That's it, the mind
evaporator.
jessikast: I think he's already been over using that.
Boy am I glad to see you
folks. How are my favorite wookiees today?
darthsappho: If those are his favorite Wookiees I'd hate to see the ones who suck.
Why all the long hairy faces? I made it
through the Imperial patrol, didn't I? If
I made it, Chewie and Han will. Is this
all the big hello I get?
Lumpy runs up to him and gives him a hug. Saundan takes
the box out of the bag and hands it to Lumpy.
SAUNDAN
I brought you somethin' special short
stuff. You want it? You got it.
laputain (as Saundan): “It's a puppy. You can eat it in your room.”
Happy Life
Day. I love to make a wookiee happy.
jessikast: ... in the sequel!
Lumpy takes the box and runs upstairs.
SAUNDAN
And now, for the lovely lady of the house.
He picks up the "boom box."
SAUNDAN
Happy Life Day.
Malla starts to take the box from him but Saundan holds on
to it.
SAUNDAN
Now wait a, wait a minute, not so fast.
What does an old friend get? Well?
Malla gives him a kiss on the cheek and he gives her the
box.
jessikast: Oh geez, he's totally putting the moves her!
laputain: If he tries anything, Chewie will kill him.
SAUNDAN
That's more like it.
20. INT. WOOKIEE HOME - LUMPY'S ROOM
Lumpy runs up into his bedroom. There are toys scattered
all over, including a stuffed bantha.
jessikast: Yay! Cuddly Bantha doll!
He sits the box on
the floor and opens it. Inside is some kind of electronic
do-it-yourself kit.
darthsappho (as Lumpy): “All right! A Commodore 64!”
Lumpy pulls it out and dumps all the
parts on his floor.
21. INT. WOOKIEE HOME - MAIN LIVING AREA
SAUNDAN
(to Itchy)
Itchy, I know what you'd like.
jessikast: He's hitting on everyone!
Itchy and Saundan walk over to the mind evaporator. It is
a chair with a helmet and visor. Itchy sits in the chair.
SAUNDAN
I'll insert this proton pack.
laputain (as Roger Ramjet): “It will give you the power of 20 atom bombs for a period of 20 seconds!”
Saundan inserts the proton pack into the back of the chair.
SAUNDAN
Now then Itchy, I thought you might like
this. It's one of those uh... oh, it's a
real... it's kinda hard to explain... WOW,
if you know what I mean.
darthsappho: Ewww. He's doing the “Hand Solo” again.
(to himself)
Put that right in there.
He places a small cartridge in the arm of the chair.
SAUNDAN
(to Itchy)
Happy Life Day. And I do mean happy Life
Day.
The program starts. It is a swirling kaleidoscope of light.
jessikast: Shiny
random lights! At last a respite from the pain!
laputain:
A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, they had LSD.
Several beings swim through the designs.
darthsappho:
Flight of the Dancing Mummies!
WOMAN
(voice only)
I know you're searching for me. Searching,
searching... I'm here. My voice is for you
alone.
A blurry image of a woman appears in the middle of the
swirling.
WOMAN
I am found in your eyes only. I exist for
you alone. I am in your mind as you create
me. Oh, yes... I can feel my creation.
A woman with pink stringy hair comes completely in focus.
She giggles.
laputain: Wow!
I'm impressed that they managed to get RuPaul to star in this.
WOMAN
(on monitor)
I'm getting your message. Are you getting
mine?
Itchy growls a happy affirmative.
WOMAN
Oh, oh... We are excited, aren't we? Well,
just relax. Just relax. Yes, a little more.
Now, we can have a good time, can't we?
laputain: I thought we were joking about Itchy's porn fetish!
jessikast: But why does he fancy humans?
darthsappho: Same reason Saundan's trying to score with Malla.
I'll tell you a secret, I find you
adorable.
Itchy hits the repeat button.
WOMAN
I'll tell you a secret, I find you
adorable.
Itchy hits the repeat button again.
WOMAN
I find you adorable.
Itchy hits the repeat button one more time.
WOMAN
I find you adorable.
Itchy growls.
darthsappho: This is sad on so many levels.
WOMAN
I don't need to ask how you find me.
(with echo)
You see, I am your fantasy. I am your
experience. So experience me. I am your
pleasure. Enjoy me. This is our moment
together in time that we might turn this
moment into an eternity.
laputain: It's the scriptwriting that's doing that.
Music starts to play.
WOMAN
(singing)
If we could only bend this minute.
Infinitely extend this minute. Then I
could live my whole life right now.
Reality is sweet this minute.
darthsappho: Why do all these women have different coloured lipstick?
Can't we
repeat and repeat this minute? Why can't
it always be right now? I've parted with
yesterday. Yesterday's moment is cold. All
I ask is this moment to hold. How can we
ever lose this minute?
jessikast: Yes! Lose this minute! In fact, lose the next hour!
From all my life, I
choose this minute. I will give up the old
and the new. Sharing with you this minute
now. If I could just hold my breath and
close my eyes and not make a sound.
laputain: Good idea!
Will
the universe stop going 'round? Still the
universe keeps going 'round and 'round and
on and on and on and on and on.
darthsappho: Stop
the universe, I want to get off!
jessikast:
Itchy is getting off!
A minute's
almost gone. How can we ever, ever lose
this minute? From all my life, I choose
this minute. I will never need anything
more than living for this minute now. This
minute now. This minute now. This minute
now. This minute now. This minute now.
This minute now. This minute now. This
minute now. This minute now.
(darthsappho begins quietly singing “Ra Ra Rasputin”.)
The program ends with the woman fading into the swirling
that it started with.
jessikast: You
see, I approve of porn and all, but... that just made me feel dirty.
laputain: And... Itchy's spent.
