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bitch_ass_hoe (![[info]](http://www.journalfen.net/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} bitch_ass_hoe) wrote,@ 2006-10-12 19:42:00 |
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MSTED: the Star Wars Holiday Special - part 3
22. INT. REBEL OFFICE
Threepio is trying to make a connection on the
communications device. Leia is behind a desk working on
something. Malla answers at her end of the line.
darthsappho: The Rebellion leases office space in the Enterprise's transporter bay!
THREEPIO
(to Leia)
Ah, I have made the connection. You may
speak now, if you wish.
Leia gets up from he desk and walks over to the monitor.
LEIA
Malla, it's good to see you. Happy Life
Day.
Malla growls.
</pre>
22. INT. REBEL OFFICE
Threepio is trying to make a connection on the
communications device. Leia is behind a desk working on
something. Malla answers at her end of the line.
darthsappho: The Rebellion leases office space in the Enterprise's transporter bay!
THREEPIO
(to Leia)
Ah, I have made the connection. You may
speak now, if you wish.
Leia gets up from he desk and walks over to the monitor.
LEIA
Malla, it's good to see you. Happy Life
Day.
Malla growls.
</pre>
laputain: Mummy,
why is Princess Leia so stoned that she's actually swaying? And
what's Life Day?
THREEPIO
(translating)
Oh, she says it may be a happy Life Day
for you, but personally, she's seen
happier ones.
jessikast: If only Threepio had been there for the first half-hour or so!
LEIA
(to Threepio)
I... I don't want to tie up the channels.
(to Malla)
So, could you do me a favor and send
either Chewbacca or Han Solo to the
screen please?
Malla growls and shakes he head "no.".
THREEPIO
(translating)
She says that she would like to grant your
request, but is quite unable to do so.
LEIA
(to Malla)
You mean they haven't arrived yet?
Malla growls.
darthsappho (as Malla): “No, they're here, but they locked themselves in the bedroom.”
THREEPIO
(translating)
She says, there has been no contact.
LEIA
(to Threepio)
Yes, I think I understand her message.
darthsappho: You're useless, Goldenrod.
Oh,
that Imperial patrol must be giving them
more trouble than we bargained for. Oh...
(to Malla)
Malla, are, are you alone?
Malla growls that she isn't.
THREEPIO
(to Leia)
If, you would permit me.
(translating)
No, she says she is not alone. She's with
a friend.
laputain: Saundan, you dirty dog!
LEIA
(to Malla)
Could he come to the screen, please?
Malla growls and motions for Saundan to come over to the
monitor. He does as she says.
SAUNDAN
(to Leia)
Good afternoon, ma'am. I'm Saundan, a local
trader. A friend of the rebellion and a
member of the Alliance.
jessikast: And not an Imperial spy! Honest!
LEIA
(to Saundan)
Good. Look, I know I can count on you to
take care of my friends until their leader
returns.
darthsappho: Leia is very trusting, isn't she?
You'll do that for me, won't you?
SAUNDAN
Yes indeed, ma'am. That's what I'm here
for.
Malla growls and puts her arm around Saundan very
affectionately.
jessikast: Saundan is taking care of Malla but good!
THREEPIO
(translating)
She is expressing her warmth towards the
trader.
Leia is slightly amused by Threepio's need to translate
that and smiles.
LEIA
(to Malla)
Look, I can see you're in good hands,
Malla. I'll contact you again, soon.
The call ends.
23. INT. WOOKIEE HOME - MAIN LIVING AREA
SAUNDAN
(to Malla)
Now then, what's that I smell? Oh, could
it be some of those famous wookiee
ookiees?
darthsappho (as Malla): No, that's just Itchy.
laputain: Dunno about you guys, but this show is giving me the wookie-ookies.
Malla shakes her head "yes" and they head towards the
kitchen. They also leave open the panels that conceal
their secret communications monitor.
24. INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON - COCKPIT
Chewie growls at Han.
HAN
I told you we'd make it. Did I ever let
you down?
Chewie growls affectionately at Han.
HAN
I feel the same way about you too, pal.
And your family.
jessikast: Bloody hell. They are in the Brokeback System.
25. EXT. SPACE NEAR KASHYYYK
The Falcon is heading towards the green planet of Kashyyyk.
26. INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON - COCKPIT
HAN
I've never seen so much Imperial traffic
in this system.
laputain: It's the Imperial Northwestern Motorway.
A display is shown of the Imperial traffic to show Han's
point.
HAN
Better land on the north side. It'll be
safer there.
darthsappho: Lots of planets have a north.
Chewie growls.
HAN
So, it's a long walk. A little exercise
never hurt anybody.
jessikast: Oh,
they've exercised enough already, if you get my drift.
27. EXT. SPACE AROUND KASHYYYK
The Falcon is just about to enter the atmosphere of the
planet.
28. INT. MILLENNIUM FALCON - COCKPIT
HAN
Happy Life Day, pal.
laputain: What's Life Day?
29. EXT. SURFACE OF KASHYYYK
The Falcon flies over a forest on the surface of the
planet Kashyyyk.
darthsappho: Which by a staggering coincidence looks just like Yavin 4!
30. INT. WOOKIEE HOME - LUMPY'S ROOM
Lumpy looks up at the sound of a ship flying overhead. He
becomes very excited.
laputain (as Lumpy): “I sense a great disturbance in the Force.”
31. INT. WOOKIEE HOME - MAIN LIVING AREA
Malla and Saundan are seated at the table as they hear the
sound of the ship. The stand up excitedly.
SAUNDAN
Sounds like a starship. What I tell ya?
Must be Chewbacca now!
Malla growls happily at his announcement.
32. INT. WOOKIEE HOME - LUMPY'S ROOM
Lumpy runs towards the stairs and heads down.
33. INT. WOOKIEE HOME - MAIN LIVING AREA
Malla and Lumpy meet at the door and open it only to be
greeted by two stormtroopers with blasters pointed at
them.
laputain: “Open
up! It's the pigs!”
darthsappho:
“Quick, Itchy! Flush the stash!”
COMMERCIAL BREAK
(Panel
discusses how this is just a bad variety show with a vague Star Wars
flavour.)
The stormtroopers enter, followed by an Imperial
guard and an Imperial officer. Saundan walk quietly over
to the secret communications monitor and closes the
panels to conceal it. The Imperial guard walks up to the
officer with some device in his hand.
IMPERIAL GUARD
(to officer)
This unit is occupied by four wookiees.
Two adult males, one adult female, and
one male child.
The officer snaps his fingers
jessikast: This guy's not the Life Day Fairy!
and dismisses the Imperial
guard. He then walks over to where the huddled group of
wookiees and Saundan are gathered.
laputain (as Officer): “Isn't he kind of bald for a Wookie?”
IMPERIAL OFFICER
(to Malla)
Where is the other wookiee male?
Malla just growls and Saundan walks over to the Imperial
Officer.
SAUNDAN
Officer, uh, maybe I could be of some help
there, sir.
IMPERIAL OFFICER
(to Saundan)
Who are you and what are you doing in this
wookiee house?
darthsappho (as Saundan): “I'm a pervert!”
SAUNDAN
Oh, I'm a trader in this district. You see,
the uh, uh the truth of the matter is she
had a terrible fight with her husband and
he just stormed right out.
IMPERIAL OFFICER
Your identification.
SAUNDAN
Uh...
IMPERIAL OFFICER
(yelling)
I said it!
(normally)
Your identification.
laputain: You don't need to see his identification!
SAUNDAN
Oh, identification, yes. It's a very
important thing, identification. I, I
never leave the shop without my
identification. It's uh, it's very
important, just in times like this.
The Imperial officer gets the pad from the guard and
snaps his fingers at a stormtrooper. The stormtrooper
points his blaster in Saundan's face.
SAUNDAN
I just found my identification. I think
it's in my pocket.
He pull his identification out of his pocket and hands it
to the Imperial officer.
IMPERIAL OFFICER
(to his troops)
Search the dwelling.
The officer snaps his fingers to signal his men.
jessikast: “Watch me snap my fingers! Snap!”
They
begin to spread out and search the house.
SAUNDAN
Officer, you may notice that little
leather case that I carry my
identification card in. I whipped that up
myself. That's a pretty fast selling little item.
Saundan laughs nervously.
SAUNDAN
Uh... uh well, some people like to keep
things neat and clean and that's why uh,
I have the little leather case for the
identification card. As a matter of fact,
if any of you guys want a couple of those
leather cases. I've gotta couple of extra
ones here.
darthsappho: That
big photo of a notorious rebel on the mantelpiece isn't making these
guys suspicious?
laputain:
They all look alike to the Empire. It's not as if they have
fingerprints.
One of the stormtroopers pulls open one of the panels
that conceal the communications monitor. He doesn't
notice that the other panel opens and closes it. Saundan,
who was watching this, is very relieved.
jessikast (as Trooper): “Everything seems to be in order here: Porcelain ponies, swan baskets, hidden rebel communication console... standard Wookiee living room."
SAUNDAN
Oh, officer, that uh, that picture you're
looking at right now was taken quite a
few years ago. That's uh, one of me. I've
gained quite a bit of weight since then.
Saundan laughs nervously again. The Imperial guard kneels
down in front of Lumpy
IMPERIAL GUARD
(to Lumpy)
Hello little guy. Where's your daddy?
Lumpy snaps at the Imperial guard.
IMPERIAL GUARD
(angrily)
Hey, they have no respect for authority!
laputain: Scenery chewing!
The guard pulls his arm back to strike Lumpy. Malla steps
forward and growls angrily at him. Saundan steps between
them and separates them.
darthsappho: The
Imperial Guards Learn the Valuable Life Day Lesson of How Hard it is
To Restrain Yourself From Beating a Wookiee.
SAUNDAN
(to guard)
Excuse me. I beg your pardon. Uh, maybe
you know my brother's boy. He's a member
of the Imperial militia. He must be 24 or
25 years old by know. Good little guy...
IMPERIAL OFFICER
(to Saundan)
Your identification is in order. You can
go now.
The officer walks over to Saundan and gives him back his
identification.
SAUNDAN
(to officer)
Thank you, thank you very much. I just
have a little more work to finish up here
and uh, oh by the way, uh, while I'm
finishing up here uh, why don't you boys
uh, take it easy. Relax. Put your feet up
and make yourself at home. Wookiee food
isn't the greatest
jessikast: Well, he ain't getting laid after that remark.
but I'm sure I can
whip something up in the kitchen that we
can all eat.
(to Malla)
Uh, you don't mind do ya, Malla?
Malla growls something back at Saundan.
laputain (as Malla): “Holy Fuck You, Batman!”
SAUNDAN
(forcefully)
Malla will you come in the kitchen to
help me.
Malla goes to the table to get her "boom box" on the way
to the kitchen. The guard pulls it away from her and
examines it.
darthsappho (as Guard): Mine!
Malla howls in anger.
SAUNDAN
(to guard)
What are doing with that thing? That's a
very delicate piece of workmanship.
Saundan goes to Malla and comforts her. The guard puts the
machine back on the table.
SAUNDAN
(to Malla)
Alright Malla, it's alright.
(to guard)
The slightest jarring will mess up the
whole works. If you're going to play
around with it let me show you how.
He reaches towards the machine and a stormtrooper pulls
his blaster and puts it in his face.
SAUNDAN
Relax, I gotta turn it on, don't I?
The guard motions for the stormtrooper to put his blaster
up. The stormtrooper complies.
SAUNDAN
Just sit down and enjoy it, okay?
Saundan pulls a chair out for the guard. The guard sits
down in it.
SAUNDAN
Here we go.
darthsappho: Trained imperial guards get distracted easily.
Saundan opens the front of the box which folds down. He
fools around needlessly with it. He then "sees" a bug and
claps it in his hands. He then drops it to the floor and
stomps on it. This is too much for the guard. He stands
up and yells at Saundan.
IMPERIAL GUARD
(angrily)
Will you get on with it?
SAUNDAN
Okay, okay.
Saundan pushes one button on it and walks away. The box
starts to produce music and the guard sits back down in
front of it. With the beat of it a small pink light
flashes. A band slowly starts to appear.
jessikast: The
Video I-Pod, Mark I.
laputain:
And now, Ladies and gentlemen, live in concert from the Dagobah
Holiday Inn... Jefferson Star-Destroyer!
SINGER
God, all dignified, if you want to. What
I would really like to know. Will you
light the sky on fire? Will you light
tonight like you did the night before?
darthsappho: This
guy's singing into a double-ended light-saber!
laputain:
Marty Balin is Darth Maul Jr!
jessikast:
Or is it a space dildo?
Hey! You could take me higher than the
diamonds in the sky. Take me, light in
the sky and we'll vanish without a trace
and we'll see God then.laputain:
Grace Slick was too stoned to appear in this film.
darthsappho:
So was Carrie Fisher, but that didn't stop her.
laputain:
Actually, these guys got on the show because the drummer was Carrie's
dealer.
jessikast:
Or just because they had “Starship” in their name.
Temples and
mirrors interest me. Though all there
really is to know. Will you light the sky
on fire? Will you light the sky on fire
again tonight?
laputain: Who is this guy and why do they want to light him on fire?
You can take me higher
than the diamonds in the sky. Take me,
we'll vanish without a trace and then
we'll all see God then.
darthsappho:
Spinal Tap goes galactic!
jessikast:
Now remember, kids, holding a lightsaber by the blade is for trained
galactic rock stars. Don't try this at home.
On the pyramids of
the legend. The great god Kopa Khan came
from the stars and vanished. And the
legends say he will come back again
someday, someday...
darthsappho: Eh, they're pretty good, but they're no Cantina band.
Will you light the sky on fire? Will you light tonight like
you did the night before. You can take me
higher than the diamonds in the sky. Take
me, light in the sky and we'll vanish
without a trace, And then we'll see god
then. Yes, I would really like to know.
What I've been watching this for.
ALL: SO DO WE ALL!
Yes, I
would really like to know. Will you light
the sky on fire? Will you light the sky
like you did the night before?
laputain: Woah!
Trader S busts some fly moves!
You could
take me higher than the diamonds in the
sky. Take me, we'll vanish without a
trace. And we'll all see God then.
darthsappho: Hey Marty, what does Lucas wish this show would do?
Vanish
without a trace.
laputain: What do we all wish this show would do?
Vanish without a trace.
Come on, come on, come on, come on, come
on, let's vanish without a trace. Come on,
come on, come on, come on, come on, we'll
vanish without a trace.
As the music ends the band slowly disappears
jessikast: “Beam
us up, Scotty.”
only to
leave the pulsating pink light.
laputain: Switch off your synth before you go, guys.
When the music comes to
an end the light stops. Saundan walks back over to the
guard.
darthsappho: The
Imperial military love the homoerotic stylings of Jefferson Starship!
SAUNDAN
I knew you'd like it.
