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Brenna, the Anti-Invictus (![[info]](http://www.journalfen.net/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} brennalarose) wrote,@ 2009-01-06 12:41:00 |
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Backup of twistdfateangel@lj
My very first post!
[Jan. 15th, 2004|02:54 pm]
[
mood
|
excited
]
[
music
|
"Enter Sandman" (thanks Rini!)
]
Huzzah, Poobah, and Kookoo-katchoo!! So here I am, with a big scary grin and Fangirl Obsession in tow. Right, Remy?
**Squeaks as he is glomped enthusiastically**
I'm sooooo happy! This makes up for having my US gov't exam today! **cheerfully mutters oaths**
Now all I need is a website, (flattering) pictures of me and my friends and a crate of Vanilla Cola (no brand loyalties here).
Toodles!
Obnoxious Boyfolk
[Jan. 16th, 2004|09:57 am]
[
mood
|
annoyed
]
[
music
|
"Waiting for You"-Seal
]
Have permission to make a brief post: Teenaged boys are the most irritating creatures ever spawned. That is all. Will post later.
SAD, PMS and other ugly acronyms...
[Jan. 16th, 2004|05:36 pm]
[
mood
|
cold
]
[
music
|
"The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything"
]
It's January, it's cold, it gets dark early and I'm PMSing. This is a combination that could be lethal if my stepdad pulls anything at his birthday dinner tonight. At least a skirt isn't required. It's too cold for drafty skirts.
I'm a nerd...
[Jan. 17th, 2004|01:24 pm]
[
mood
|
geeky
]
Just thought you should know. Not much to be said today.
My first rant...woohoo.
[Jan. 17th, 2004|11:15 pm]
[
mood
|
irritated
]
[
music
|
siiiilence...
]
My parents think my computer is theirs alone. They need to learn some respect.
So much for a relaxing Monday
[Jan. 19th, 2004|01:12 pm]
[
mood
|
worried
]
[
music
|
"Almost Blue"- Gwen Stefani (no idea who sang it originally)
]
My stepdad is getting crabby and probably sicker. He fights with everyone and always looks as though he's going to drop dead at any second. I just don't know how to tell him to slow down. Even if I do tell him to he's not going to listen.
I hate life right now.
Noooo!
[Jan. 20th, 2004|07:50 pm]
[
mood
|
drained
]
[
music
|
Strong Bad Techno
]
The long weekend is over! And thus, unless some great miracle occurs, I shall be sent back to a new semester of academic imprisonment, and long hours with no pay.
Wait...they never paid me.
Oops!
Hack, cough, wheeze...
[Jan. 21st, 2004|04:41 pm]
[
mood
|
sick
]
[
music
|
"Bring Me To Life"-Evanescence
]
Oi...
I'm so sick. I was kept up all night by my own coughing and I'm getting sick and tired of being sick and tired. I need some cough syrup.
Thoughts of Unending Green
[Jan. 22nd, 2004|12:00 pm]
[
mood
|
contemplative
]
[
music
|
silence
]
Sometimes, especially now, I find myself lost in thoughts of death and rebirth. It's January the second month of true, full, winter. Yet there is no snow. No cold to keep the earth frozen and sleepy, just bare, drooping listlessness. Did it snow in Eden?
More later...
To continue
[Jan. 23rd, 2004|09:39 pm]
[
mood
|
contemplative
]
[
music
|
Ken's TV show (JAG or something military)
]
I have gotten even worse and this have left me much time to think.
To continue, Eden is supposed to be paradise. Many people see paradise as eternal summer (perhaps hearkening back to the ancient Pagan Summerlands--interesting anthropological study). But I find it hard to believe that paradise can only represent one season. After all, constant summer would get boring and that's far from Utopian. Did the leaves change in autumn? Did delicate snowflakes tumble like jewels from the sky? And rain showers! What was a rainstorm like in Eden? Maybe like one of those refreshing spring showers that makes everything bring and clean again?
Then, there's the matter of the apple. I've been reading a bit of Pre-Victorian Feminist Poetry called "Eve's Apology in Defense of Women". Basically it's saying that, yes, Eve fucked up royally. But so did Adam by eating his piece. Eve claims naivete as her fault and reason for her crime, but does remind Adam that, even with blissful innocence, he had been there longer and had a bit more wisdom. Or something like that. The meds fuzz it up. It made perfect sense when I read it.
I'm not abandoning the faith I was raised in. Far from it, I'm trying to learn my way in it and understand it. I realize that Christianity has gotten more tangled than a two-year-old's yo-yo in the paws of a rather rambunctious kitten. So I want to see it clearly instead of with the blindness that many do.
If a person doesn't examine their faith-- or lack of--, how do they know themselves?
The peasants are revolting...and they want to overthrow the king.
[Jan. 24th, 2004|10:39 pm]
[
mood
|
artsy fag and ill
]
[
music
|
Headbanger's Ball on MTV2
]
The adults in the house are being crabby and bossy. I'm too sick to be anything but unliveably crabby. I am having SERIOUS caffeine withdrawal, but being sick I can't indulge my addiction. This after I saved my quarters to buy a 20 oz of Vanilla Cola at school, where it's dirt cheap.
I hope I don't have to stay home anymore. I don't want to take finals.
There! I'm done with my obligatory bitching...
Nyquil must have wormwood in it. It's absinthe green and I've had vast amonts of inspiration today. One thought was for a Reality Game show with teenaged girls at a "haunted" boarding school divided into "Secret Societies". It promises to be very cutthroat should it ever get off the ground. I have heaps of notes that I will not post for fear the demons of Idea filching will steal them away before I can get it copyrighted and wave it under network executive noses.
The other was a name and concept for a superheroine. The name is "Psiren", because she is both psychic and a musician. Not much other than that in mind. But it is promising.
[Jan. 25th, 2004|09:30 pm]
[
mood
|
sad
]
It seems people are already upset about my Reality Show Idea. Look, first and foremost, it's the person's own choice to do this crap and if they want to leave, they can leave. No one's forcing them to stay on. Second, if I'd known people would have pounced on me about it, I wouldn't have said anything. I ask for critique, not angry notes. I realize that Reality Shows are damaging to mental health. But that hasn't stopped an All-Star Survivor or Real World/Road Rules Challenge. If it's that bad, then it won't go anywhere and people can sue me for shrink money. It was an idea, and I doubt it will even get off the ground.
No school. So why do I feel like crap?
[Jan. 26th, 2004|07:02 am]
[
mood
|
depressed
]
[
music
|
"God is a DJ"-Pink (That song is really catchy)
]
Okay, now I feel awful. Read Chishio's log and, while she didn't say it, I feel like I made her feel rotten. The truth is, I adore Chishio. Yes, she's opinionated and blunt, but she isn't mean. And, yes, what she says to me sometimes, hurts. What she doesn't say, hurts. But never on purpose. I'm an emotional masochist, I suppose. I latch onto people I know love me and only want me to do what's right. But it's a love that cuts.
And now I feel awful just for writing this, even though it has to be said.
I guess on the up side of things, this quiz thing said I've got faery wings.
You are blessed with FAERY wings. Beauty,
laughter, life, magic...that's what you are all
about. You are refreshingly innocent and happy
with your life of purity and play. Life's a
game and it's a good one. In your eyes there's
no way to lose! You can be very mischeivous and
have been known to cause trouble, but it's all
in the name of fun and not meant to really harm
anyone. You like to play tricks on people who
aren't quite as bright or clever as you - which
is almost everyone. Nature is the setting you
prefer to be in - Always. Barefoot and wild you
can't be tamed. You're probably a restless
spirit who loves to travel, and quite a
dreamer. Your creativity is astounding and your
art (of whatever media - from writing to
painting to drama) is like something from
another world - ethereal and often very
fantasy-oriented. You can either be a social
butterfly or a loner with their head in the
clouds - but rarely inbetween. You stubbornly
refuse to accept responsibility or to give in
to the wishes of others - unless you feel like
it. You have a strong passion for music and
can't imagine life without it. You'll grow up
someday, but you'll always be a child at heart.
You are adventurous and love to take risks, and
feel a deep connection with the weather,
plants, and animals. You prefer sunshine to
thunder or snow, the warmth of summer to
autumn's chill, and quiet forests to suburban
backyards. Magic through and through, you are
far more powerful than you seem, and are
capable of being extremely passionate. Though
you can be childish, naive, stubborn, and self-
absorbed, one thing is certain - life with you
will never be boring!
*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla
[Jan. 27th, 2004|02:44 pm]
[
mood
|
grumpy
]
[
music
|
"My Immortal"-Evanescence
]
Well, the doctor says it's bronchitis and the coughsyrup he gave me tastes like shoe polish smells. It apparently has codein in it. Whee. I also slipped and fell down the stairs with an armload of laundry. Not only am I bruised like a prize fighter, but I'm in an evil mood. I feel like torturing some poor defenseless snowmen.
[Jan. 29th, 2004|12:03 pm]
Lately, AOL is a pain. Will try again after school today.
**insanely evil laughter**
[Feb. 2nd, 2004|05:47 pm]
[
mood
|
the phoenix has risen from ash
]
[
music
|
Evanescence- "Bring Me to Life" (a fitting song, I think)
]
HA! Take that, AOL! Have at you! I have successfully returned, my friends! I'm also well enough to RETURN TO DANCE CLASS! HUZZAH!
So much to be done, not enough time or energy...
[Feb. 3rd, 2004|08:36 pm]
[
mood
|
exhausted
]
[
music
|
"One thing"-fingereleven
]
Pros: Antibiotics are effective, should be done sniffling soon. can write in my LJ again, have a chance at repairing serious damage while in richmond, am dancing again.
Cons: have little time to complete the survey chishio asked me to, little energy left, fasting has me craving a vanilla cola, damage is both less and more serious than expected, am losing what's left of my grip on sanity
I feel awful and so much better all at once...
[Feb. 4th, 2004|04:28 pm]
[
mood
|
guilty
]
[
music
|
Track 11-Evanescence (Can't remember title)
]
I WAS fasting and dieting all at once, little meat, little to no processed sugar. Then Mom's friend Karen brought us a two-liter of Cola. Then I found the 20-oz of Vanilla Cola I've been saving in my locker at school for Mardi Gras. I'm going to continue to save the 20-oz, but I think I can be safe with the two liter. Larry will probably get several mason jars of the stuff into him throughout the day, meaning there might be a shot glass full I can indulge in. I'll be able to resist during Lent, because Mama will be fasting and we lean on each other every year.
It's days like these I wish I had no taste buds. That or Caffein was non-addictive. Oh well, perhaps I can make Virgin Suicides (Jello shooters made out of various caffinated drinks and plain gelatin) when Lent is over. Which should give me plenty of time to track down plain gelatin mix. All I can find is the flavored, colored, sugary type.
Well, that cheered me up!
[Feb. 4th, 2004|04:47 pm]
[
mood
|
Getting better
]
you are A Faerie
Which Stephane Lord Photograph are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
At least I wasn't Mists of Avalon Gwenhwyfar
[Feb. 5th, 2004|04:25 pm]
You're King Arthur. All you want to do is make everyone happy, even if it means
sacrificing something of your own. In fact, I don't think you think of
yourself as much as you think of the welfare of other people. You're a very kind-
hearted individual, but remember to stand up for what YOU want sometimes...
You don't want to be a walking doormat!
Which Mists of Avalon Character are YOU?
byanowyn.
Still, I was hoping I resembled Morgaine somehow.
My darkest fear and worst nemesis...
[Feb. 5th, 2004|04:35 pm]
[
mood
|
scared
]
[
music
|
"Tourniquet"- Evanescence
]
Lately, I have found myself deep in contemplation of the events of two previous DarkoverCons. A married man who has known me since childhood has begun to "take a shine" to me as it were. He has made two very inappropriate advances to me. I hate to raise a fuss, but I have to tell my friends this. They need to know.
Two years ago, I was a fresh faced 15 year old. It was another year in the RV and I was coming down the hall, coming in from the parking lot. I remember the chill on my skin still. I was wearing all green, I think. My friend Heather was with me, chowing down on leftover chow mein. Paul (the fellow in question) stops me and asks if my mother has come with me that year. He's a bear of a man, who stammers a little bit and always seems nervous. The question confuses me, but I say yes. Of course she's here with me, I think to myself, I'm only 15.
He grabs me, knocking Heather's chow mein to the floor. "Too bad," he whispers. My stomach is turning, writing this down. He then licks my ear. I'm horrifyed. He is very strong so I can't pull away, and Heather is distracted by the spill. He lets go, realizing that he caused it and leaves. I help her pick up the ruined food and go to find Mother.
I explain the problem to her and she immediatly goes to find Paul's wife. I spend the rest of the con in utter terror. My heart races every time I see him. He apologizes, but I won't feel safe yet.
Fast forward a year. New con, I'm older now. For the entire con, he behaves himself. I begin to relax. But Sunday comes. Paul approaches me for my e-mail address. At first, I don't understand what he means. So I let him know that he'll have to ask Mother. Then he approaches as we are packing and kisses my hand hold it for an unnecessary length of time and says "As you wish." He knows I'm familiar with the Princess Bride. I walk away unsure of what has happened, only knowing I nodded to him. Later, my mother informs him that I don't have an email address yet. A lie that saved my life and virtue.
Library is closing, more later, if I can.
These horrific mood swings have to stop
[Feb. 6th, 2004|11:17 am]
[
mood
|
cheerful
]
[
music
|
"Fell in Love with a Boy" then "Sunrise"
]
I'm so much happier, now that school was called off for the day. I also cheered up a great deal after reading the VSDLOTR. The portrayal of Arwen is so oblivious and Legolas' diary was immensly amusing (Although I find it hard to visualize Orlando Bloom, who reads deep poetry and is quite sweet, as being a vain little moron). Will probably spend day catching up on sadly neglected writing and testing new hair crud to see if I can get it straight and well behaived.
This is embarrasing...
[Feb. 7th, 2004|04:56 pm]
[
mood
|
blah
]
[
music
|
"China Roses"- Enya
]
I forgot Cynthia was home today. I saw the door open when I got out of the shower and heard someone in the house. So I ran next door and called the cops. Once everything got sorted out, the Police were pretty cool about it. They said no harm was done and that it was better I called than get killed. And the cop was "fine", too.
Oh, and Alysya, If you think Tampons are good, try Monistat insert things. *shudder* Oh the inhumanity.
Abstaining from caffeine then having half a 20 oz of Cola is a dumb thing. I'm Hyper now.
Told Mom I wanted to join Amtgard. She turned it into an arguement about grades. I love her, but *wince* it seems like everything now revolves around my grades. I hear about it enough at school, I don't need parents breathing down my neck. No matter how much of a slacker they think I am.
Ken will find a reason to argue with the Second Coming. Today it was about packing feast gear. Grrr...
Dead Man Walking
[Feb. 8th, 2004|07:29 pm]
[
mood
|
enraged
]
[
music
|
"I Believe In A Thing Called Love"- The Darkness
]
Oh, Ken is so dead! He left the door open on purpose to scare me! He was trying to teach me a lesson about locking the door. That is simply INEXCUSABLE! I want to hit him SO bad! He makes me want to scream!
*Grunt*
[Feb. 9th, 2004|05:37 pm]
[
mood
|
grumpy
]
[
music
|
"One Thing"-FingerEleven
]
Ken's trying to make nice with chocolate cake. I'm still annoyed, but I accept his offering of a piece of chocolate cake, to be consumed after dance class.
As if I wasn't depressed enough...
[Feb. 10th, 2004|04:08 pm]
[
mood
|
gloomy
]
[
music
|
"Starry-Eyed Surprise"- Paul Oldsfield
]
Today was Leadership and Ethics Day for Park View. We Got fed a light but rather good breakfast and a hefty but simple and delicious lunch at Lansdowne Xerox Center. All this lulled us into a false sense of security.
First, My group watched a video about a college student who had decided not to report the fact that his friend raped and murdered a little girl in Las Vegas. What really burnt my toast was the fact that the little jack@$$ showed NO remorse what so ever and had not even offered an apology to the child's mother.
Next, we were all jurors in a mock trial. The defendant was a young girl who barely knew how to drive, who had driven a drunk friend and the friend's car home from a party and crashed into a tree. We decided that, since we hadn't been given an autopsy report, the girl could have died already in the car from alcohol poisoning and so ruled her not guilty. Note: the defendant was played by the wonderful Amy Shields, a classmate of mine who made the role VERY believable.
Finally, just when I'd begun to cheer up, we had to decide which out of five very worthy people got a heart transplant. Oh, joy. I felt like crying, even if it was fake.
On the up side, I got to miss Government without any repercussions. Go Leadership Loudoun! Spent the rest of the afternoon writing.
Now we are 6...
[Feb. 10th, 2004|04:53 pm]
[
mood
|
feeling a lot better
]
[
music
|
"Steal My Sunshine"- Len
]
find your element
at mutedfaith.com.
Now THIS one worries me.
Find your Role-Playing
Stereotype at mutedfaith.com.
Am I just a jinx?
[Feb. 17th, 2004|08:19 pm]
Why is it, everytime I turn around, another bunch of friends are in the middle of some secret war. First, it's Matt, Becky, and Heather. This is bad, since they will all be invited to graduation. Then it was Lysy and Mike (with me shoved in for attempt at diplomacy and waffling action). Now Chris (my Gambit-papa) is stuck in something and I don't want to shove in, but I want to help.
I swear I'm a walking jinx.
And people wonder why I have no faith in father figures
[Feb. 18th, 2004|07:12 pm]
[
mood
|
drained
]
[
music
|
"Sun Doesn't Rise"- Mushroomhead
]
He walked out. The son of a bitch walked out. Ken took his meds and walked out. Damn him, damn him, damn him.
He wants me to treat him like a father. Then he'd better fucking well act like it.
The simple things that make me smile...
[Feb. 19th, 2004|04:18 pm]
[
mood
|
trying to feel better
]
[
music
|
"Life Goes On"-Leann Rimes (Yeah, not my usual fare)
]
Decided to cheer myself up with a list of simple pleasures, as in those little sensations or objects that cheer me up everytime.
--smell of line dried sheets
--wearing comfy sandals
--the texture of real habutai silk
--blue skies and sunshowers
--cold orange slices on a hot day
--the smell of jasmine
--friends laughing together over something harmless
--a good loud scream after a hard day
--the sound of the ocean
--wildflowers
--denim
--the smell of Tim's hair
--lying on my back in the grass, watching the sky
--openminded, philosophical, conversation
--spring rainstorms
--running around in the rain in shirt sleeves
--old, ivory lace
--Oma's perfume
--Opa's voice
--magnolia trees in bloom
--fresh cookies
--sweet tea
--cherry blossoms
--classic rock
--vanilla ice cream
--vanilla cola
--roses in the rain
--the night sky
--a cool breeze through an open window on a hot day
--a good book on a brisk day
--apples
--blackberries right off the bush
--honey sticks
--the tickle of a horse's nose
--trampolines
--pork
--soccer balls
--shaved ice on a hot day
--putting my bare feet in a cool wading pool in summer
I have nothing left to feel
[Feb. 20th, 2004|04:00 pm]
[
mood
|
numb
]
[
music
|
"Wanted"- Evanescence
]
Mama can't stop crying. He's gone. I've lost the little faith I'd gained in him. He's not coming home tonight. Maybe not even to my graduation. How can he do this to her? She needs him right now. He needs her.
I've just about given up praying. I'm lost in a mirror world. Everything feels backwards. He still loves her, doesn't he? Does he?
The lump in my throat won't go away. The sky outside is a beautiful blue, the weather is mild and warm, and the sun is shining like a baby's smile. Why am I not enjoying it?
He called last night. Left a message. He said, it was none of my business. He's right. He's wrong. It wasn't my business before. But, it is now. He can't wish that away.
I hate myself.
[Feb. 20th, 2004|10:43 pm]
[
mood
|
relieved
]
He's home
[Feb. 21st, 2004|11:11 pm]
[
mood
|
blah
]
nothing much happening
I can't deny the things that I do
[Feb. 22nd, 2004|07:02 pm]
[
mood
|
giddy
]
[
music
|
"Waiting for You"- Seal
]
Ok... I'm for once at a loss for clever names. Character is an Italian, and represents the Sky. I've got Celestina but can't think of a middle name. Her sister, with the powers of death, has one so I feel bad about Celina not having one. Also, think up reasonable powers for death is nigh impossible. But it's STILL FUN!
My very first post!
[Jan. 15th, 2004|02:54 pm]
[
mood
|
excited
]
[
music
|
"Enter Sandman" (thanks Rini!)
]
Huzzah, Poobah, and Kookoo-katchoo!! So here I am, with a big scary grin and Fangirl Obsession in tow. Right, Remy?
**Squeaks as he is glomped enthusiastically**
I'm sooooo happy! This makes up for having my US gov't exam today! **cheerfully mutters oaths**
Now all I need is a website, (flattering) pictures of me and my friends and a crate of Vanilla Cola (no brand loyalties here).
Toodles!
Obnoxious Boyfolk
[Jan. 16th, 2004|09:57 am]
[
mood
|
annoyed
]
[
music
|
"Waiting for You"-Seal
]
Have permission to make a brief post: Teenaged boys are the most irritating creatures ever spawned. That is all. Will post later.
SAD, PMS and other ugly acronyms...
[Jan. 16th, 2004|05:36 pm]
[
mood
|
cold
]
[
music
|
"The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything"
]
It's January, it's cold, it gets dark early and I'm PMSing. This is a combination that could be lethal if my stepdad pulls anything at his birthday dinner tonight. At least a skirt isn't required. It's too cold for drafty skirts.
I'm a nerd...
[Jan. 17th, 2004|01:24 pm]
[
mood
|
geeky
]
Just thought you should know. Not much to be said today.
My first rant...woohoo.
[Jan. 17th, 2004|11:15 pm]
[
mood
|
irritated
]
[
music
|
siiiilence...
]
My parents think my computer is theirs alone. They need to learn some respect.
So much for a relaxing Monday
[Jan. 19th, 2004|01:12 pm]
[
mood
|
worried
]
[
music
|
"Almost Blue"- Gwen Stefani (no idea who sang it originally)
]
My stepdad is getting crabby and probably sicker. He fights with everyone and always looks as though he's going to drop dead at any second. I just don't know how to tell him to slow down. Even if I do tell him to he's not going to listen.
I hate life right now.
Noooo!
[Jan. 20th, 2004|07:50 pm]
[
mood
|
drained
]
[
music
|
Strong Bad Techno
]
The long weekend is over! And thus, unless some great miracle occurs, I shall be sent back to a new semester of academic imprisonment, and long hours with no pay.
Wait...they never paid me.
Oops!
Hack, cough, wheeze...
[Jan. 21st, 2004|04:41 pm]
[
mood
|
sick
]
[
music
|
"Bring Me To Life"-Evanescence
]
Oi...
I'm so sick. I was kept up all night by my own coughing and I'm getting sick and tired of being sick and tired. I need some cough syrup.
Thoughts of Unending Green
[Jan. 22nd, 2004|12:00 pm]
[
mood
|
contemplative
]
[
music
|
silence
]
Sometimes, especially now, I find myself lost in thoughts of death and rebirth. It's January the second month of true, full, winter. Yet there is no snow. No cold to keep the earth frozen and sleepy, just bare, drooping listlessness. Did it snow in Eden?
More later...
To continue
[Jan. 23rd, 2004|09:39 pm]
[
mood
|
contemplative
]
[
music
|
Ken's TV show (JAG or something military)
]
I have gotten even worse and this have left me much time to think.
To continue, Eden is supposed to be paradise. Many people see paradise as eternal summer (perhaps hearkening back to the ancient Pagan Summerlands--interesting anthropological study). But I find it hard to believe that paradise can only represent one season. After all, constant summer would get boring and that's far from Utopian. Did the leaves change in autumn? Did delicate snowflakes tumble like jewels from the sky? And rain showers! What was a rainstorm like in Eden? Maybe like one of those refreshing spring showers that makes everything bring and clean again?
Then, there's the matter of the apple. I've been reading a bit of Pre-Victorian Feminist Poetry called "Eve's Apology in Defense of Women". Basically it's saying that, yes, Eve fucked up royally. But so did Adam by eating his piece. Eve claims naivete as her fault and reason for her crime, but does remind Adam that, even with blissful innocence, he had been there longer and had a bit more wisdom. Or something like that. The meds fuzz it up. It made perfect sense when I read it.
I'm not abandoning the faith I was raised in. Far from it, I'm trying to learn my way in it and understand it. I realize that Christianity has gotten more tangled than a two-year-old's yo-yo in the paws of a rather rambunctious kitten. So I want to see it clearly instead of with the blindness that many do.
If a person doesn't examine their faith-- or lack of--, how do they know themselves?
The peasants are revolting...and they want to overthrow the king.
[Jan. 24th, 2004|10:39 pm]
[
mood
|
artsy fag and ill
]
[
music
|
Headbanger's Ball on MTV2
]
The adults in the house are being crabby and bossy. I'm too sick to be anything but unliveably crabby. I am having SERIOUS caffeine withdrawal, but being sick I can't indulge my addiction. This after I saved my quarters to buy a 20 oz of Vanilla Cola at school, where it's dirt cheap.
I hope I don't have to stay home anymore. I don't want to take finals.
There! I'm done with my obligatory bitching...
Nyquil must have wormwood in it. It's absinthe green and I've had vast amonts of inspiration today. One thought was for a Reality Game show with teenaged girls at a "haunted" boarding school divided into "Secret Societies". It promises to be very cutthroat should it ever get off the ground. I have heaps of notes that I will not post for fear the demons of Idea filching will steal them away before I can get it copyrighted and wave it under network executive noses.
The other was a name and concept for a superheroine. The name is "Psiren", because she is both psychic and a musician. Not much other than that in mind. But it is promising.
[Jan. 25th, 2004|09:30 pm]
[
mood
|
sad
]
It seems people are already upset about my Reality Show Idea. Look, first and foremost, it's the person's own choice to do this crap and if they want to leave, they can leave. No one's forcing them to stay on. Second, if I'd known people would have pounced on me about it, I wouldn't have said anything. I ask for critique, not angry notes. I realize that Reality Shows are damaging to mental health. But that hasn't stopped an All-Star Survivor or Real World/Road Rules Challenge. If it's that bad, then it won't go anywhere and people can sue me for shrink money. It was an idea, and I doubt it will even get off the ground.
No school. So why do I feel like crap?
[Jan. 26th, 2004|07:02 am]
[
mood
|
depressed
]
[
music
|
"God is a DJ"-Pink (That song is really catchy)
]
Okay, now I feel awful. Read Chishio's log and, while she didn't say it, I feel like I made her feel rotten. The truth is, I adore Chishio. Yes, she's opinionated and blunt, but she isn't mean. And, yes, what she says to me sometimes, hurts. What she doesn't say, hurts. But never on purpose. I'm an emotional masochist, I suppose. I latch onto people I know love me and only want me to do what's right. But it's a love that cuts.
And now I feel awful just for writing this, even though it has to be said.
I guess on the up side of things, this quiz thing said I've got faery wings.
You are blessed with FAERY wings. Beauty,
laughter, life, magic...that's what you are all
about. You are refreshingly innocent and happy
with your life of purity and play. Life's a
game and it's a good one. In your eyes there's
no way to lose! You can be very mischeivous and
have been known to cause trouble, but it's all
in the name of fun and not meant to really harm
anyone. You like to play tricks on people who
aren't quite as bright or clever as you - which
is almost everyone. Nature is the setting you
prefer to be in - Always. Barefoot and wild you
can't be tamed. You're probably a restless
spirit who loves to travel, and quite a
dreamer. Your creativity is astounding and your
art (of whatever media - from writing to
painting to drama) is like something from
another world - ethereal and often very
fantasy-oriented. You can either be a social
butterfly or a loner with their head in the
clouds - but rarely inbetween. You stubbornly
refuse to accept responsibility or to give in
to the wishes of others - unless you feel like
it. You have a strong passion for music and
can't imagine life without it. You'll grow up
someday, but you'll always be a child at heart.
You are adventurous and love to take risks, and
feel a deep connection with the weather,
plants, and animals. You prefer sunshine to
thunder or snow, the warmth of summer to
autumn's chill, and quiet forests to suburban
backyards. Magic through and through, you are
far more powerful than you seem, and are
capable of being extremely passionate. Though
you can be childish, naive, stubborn, and self-
absorbed, one thing is certain - life with you
will never be boring!
*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla
[Jan. 27th, 2004|02:44 pm]
[
mood
|
grumpy
]
[
music
|
"My Immortal"-Evanescence
]
Well, the doctor says it's bronchitis and the coughsyrup he gave me tastes like shoe polish smells. It apparently has codein in it. Whee. I also slipped and fell down the stairs with an armload of laundry. Not only am I bruised like a prize fighter, but I'm in an evil mood. I feel like torturing some poor defenseless snowmen.
[Jan. 29th, 2004|12:03 pm]
Lately, AOL is a pain. Will try again after school today.
**insanely evil laughter**
[Feb. 2nd, 2004|05:47 pm]
[
mood
|
the phoenix has risen from ash
]
[
music
|
Evanescence- "Bring Me to Life" (a fitting song, I think)
]
HA! Take that, AOL! Have at you! I have successfully returned, my friends! I'm also well enough to RETURN TO DANCE CLASS! HUZZAH!
So much to be done, not enough time or energy...
[Feb. 3rd, 2004|08:36 pm]
[
mood
|
exhausted
]
[
music
|
"One thing"-fingereleven
]
Pros: Antibiotics are effective, should be done sniffling soon. can write in my LJ again, have a chance at repairing serious damage while in richmond, am dancing again.
Cons: have little time to complete the survey chishio asked me to, little energy left, fasting has me craving a vanilla cola, damage is both less and more serious than expected, am losing what's left of my grip on sanity
I feel awful and so much better all at once...
[Feb. 4th, 2004|04:28 pm]
[
mood
|
guilty
]
[
music
|
Track 11-Evanescence (Can't remember title)
]
I WAS fasting and dieting all at once, little meat, little to no processed sugar. Then Mom's friend Karen brought us a two-liter of Cola. Then I found the 20-oz of Vanilla Cola I've been saving in my locker at school for Mardi Gras. I'm going to continue to save the 20-oz, but I think I can be safe with the two liter. Larry will probably get several mason jars of the stuff into him throughout the day, meaning there might be a shot glass full I can indulge in. I'll be able to resist during Lent, because Mama will be fasting and we lean on each other every year.
It's days like these I wish I had no taste buds. That or Caffein was non-addictive. Oh well, perhaps I can make Virgin Suicides (Jello shooters made out of various caffinated drinks and plain gelatin) when Lent is over. Which should give me plenty of time to track down plain gelatin mix. All I can find is the flavored, colored, sugary type.
Well, that cheered me up!
[Feb. 4th, 2004|04:47 pm]
[
mood
|
Getting better
]
you are A Faerie
Which Stephane Lord Photograph are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
At least I wasn't Mists of Avalon Gwenhwyfar
[Feb. 5th, 2004|04:25 pm]
You're King Arthur. All you want to do is make everyone happy, even if it means
sacrificing something of your own. In fact, I don't think you think of
yourself as much as you think of the welfare of other people. You're a very kind-
hearted individual, but remember to stand up for what YOU want sometimes...
You don't want to be a walking doormat!
Which Mists of Avalon Character are YOU?
by
anowyn.Still, I was hoping I resembled Morgaine somehow.
My darkest fear and worst nemesis...
[Feb. 5th, 2004|04:35 pm]
[
mood
|
scared
]
[
music
|
"Tourniquet"- Evanescence
]
Lately, I have found myself deep in contemplation of the events of two previous DarkoverCons. A married man who has known me since childhood has begun to "take a shine" to me as it were. He has made two very inappropriate advances to me. I hate to raise a fuss, but I have to tell my friends this. They need to know.
Two years ago, I was a fresh faced 15 year old. It was another year in the RV and I was coming down the hall, coming in from the parking lot. I remember the chill on my skin still. I was wearing all green, I think. My friend Heather was with me, chowing down on leftover chow mein. Paul (the fellow in question) stops me and asks if my mother has come with me that year. He's a bear of a man, who stammers a little bit and always seems nervous. The question confuses me, but I say yes. Of course she's here with me, I think to myself, I'm only 15.
He grabs me, knocking Heather's chow mein to the floor. "Too bad," he whispers. My stomach is turning, writing this down. He then licks my ear. I'm horrifyed. He is very strong so I can't pull away, and Heather is distracted by the spill. He lets go, realizing that he caused it and leaves. I help her pick up the ruined food and go to find Mother.
I explain the problem to her and she immediatly goes to find Paul's wife. I spend the rest of the con in utter terror. My heart races every time I see him. He apologizes, but I won't feel safe yet.
Fast forward a year. New con, I'm older now. For the entire con, he behaves himself. I begin to relax. But Sunday comes. Paul approaches me for my e-mail address. At first, I don't understand what he means. So I let him know that he'll have to ask Mother. Then he approaches as we are packing and kisses my hand hold it for an unnecessary length of time and says "As you wish." He knows I'm familiar with the Princess Bride. I walk away unsure of what has happened, only knowing I nodded to him. Later, my mother informs him that I don't have an email address yet. A lie that saved my life and virtue.
Library is closing, more later, if I can.
These horrific mood swings have to stop
[Feb. 6th, 2004|11:17 am]
[
mood
|
cheerful
]
[
music
|
"Fell in Love with a Boy" then "Sunrise"
]
I'm so much happier, now that school was called off for the day. I also cheered up a great deal after reading the VSDLOTR. The portrayal of Arwen is so oblivious and Legolas' diary was immensly amusing (Although I find it hard to visualize Orlando Bloom, who reads deep poetry and is quite sweet, as being a vain little moron). Will probably spend day catching up on sadly neglected writing and testing new hair crud to see if I can get it straight and well behaived.
This is embarrasing...
[Feb. 7th, 2004|04:56 pm]
[
mood
|
blah
]
[
music
|
"China Roses"- Enya
]
I forgot Cynthia was home today. I saw the door open when I got out of the shower and heard someone in the house. So I ran next door and called the cops. Once everything got sorted out, the Police were pretty cool about it. They said no harm was done and that it was better I called than get killed. And the cop was "fine", too.
Oh, and Alysya, If you think Tampons are good, try Monistat insert things. *shudder* Oh the inhumanity.
Abstaining from caffeine then having half a 20 oz of Cola is a dumb thing. I'm Hyper now.
Told Mom I wanted to join Amtgard. She turned it into an arguement about grades. I love her, but *wince* it seems like everything now revolves around my grades. I hear about it enough at school, I don't need parents breathing down my neck. No matter how much of a slacker they think I am.
Ken will find a reason to argue with the Second Coming. Today it was about packing feast gear. Grrr...
Dead Man Walking
[Feb. 8th, 2004|07:29 pm]
[
mood
|
enraged
]
[
music
|
"I Believe In A Thing Called Love"- The Darkness
]
Oh, Ken is so dead! He left the door open on purpose to scare me! He was trying to teach me a lesson about locking the door. That is simply INEXCUSABLE! I want to hit him SO bad! He makes me want to scream!
*Grunt*
[Feb. 9th, 2004|05:37 pm]
[
mood
|
grumpy
]
[
music
|
"One Thing"-FingerEleven
]
Ken's trying to make nice with chocolate cake. I'm still annoyed, but I accept his offering of a piece of chocolate cake, to be consumed after dance class.
As if I wasn't depressed enough...
[Feb. 10th, 2004|04:08 pm]
[
mood
|
gloomy
]
[
music
|
"Starry-Eyed Surprise"- Paul Oldsfield
]
Today was Leadership and Ethics Day for Park View. We Got fed a light but rather good breakfast and a hefty but simple and delicious lunch at Lansdowne Xerox Center. All this lulled us into a false sense of security.
First, My group watched a video about a college student who had decided not to report the fact that his friend raped and murdered a little girl in Las Vegas. What really burnt my toast was the fact that the little jack@$$ showed NO remorse what so ever and had not even offered an apology to the child's mother.
Next, we were all jurors in a mock trial. The defendant was a young girl who barely knew how to drive, who had driven a drunk friend and the friend's car home from a party and crashed into a tree. We decided that, since we hadn't been given an autopsy report, the girl could have died already in the car from alcohol poisoning and so ruled her not guilty. Note: the defendant was played by the wonderful Amy Shields, a classmate of mine who made the role VERY believable.
Finally, just when I'd begun to cheer up, we had to decide which out of five very worthy people got a heart transplant. Oh, joy. I felt like crying, even if it was fake.
On the up side, I got to miss Government without any repercussions. Go Leadership Loudoun! Spent the rest of the afternoon writing.
Now we are 6...
[Feb. 10th, 2004|04:53 pm]
[
mood
|
feeling a lot better
]
[
music
|
"Steal My Sunshine"- Len
]
My inner child is six years old!
Look what I can do! I can walk, I can run, I can
read! I like to do stuff, and there's a whole
big world out there to do it in. Just so long
as I can take my blankie and my Mommy and my
three best friends with me, of course.
How Old is Your Inner Child?
brought to you by Quizilla
Chocolate Chip Muffins to anybody who can tell me where I got the title of this post and who fist wrote it!
Emotional Rollercoaster
[Feb. 11th, 2004|10:27 pm]
[
mood
|
anxious
]
[
music
|
"At Last"- the Stevie Nicks version
]
First, I found out a student over at our rival school Potomac Falls died. No name, no cause of death, nothing, because they don't want to worry us. This makes it worse, because about half our student body from last year got shipped there and I, for one, was worried it was my friend Ellie. Then found out Friday, we don't have school. Felt better. Then remembered Ellie might be dead. Worried myself frantic. Finally called PFHS. Someone in the office informed me that no, it wasn't Ellie. My condolences to the girl's family. But THANK GOD ELLIE'S OKAY!
I feel for the family of the student. But I know she's in a happier place where she can watch them. I'm also elated that Ellie's ok. But I feel bad about being so happy. Damn Empathic Depressive Shields being in @#$%ing shambles!
Oh god, I'm rotten...
[Feb. 15th, 2004|10:34 pm]
[
mood
|
crappy
]
[
music
|
History Channel Docco on Hellenistic Homosexuality
]
I've fallen off my diet HARD. Alysya is horribly ill and on awful meds and I didn't know and wish I could be there with her. My psi-self is totally fucked.
In short, I feel like sh!t.
AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
[Feb. 16th, 2004|05:20 pm]
[
mood
|
confused
]
[
music
|
"Bring Me to Life"- Evanescence
]
I don't get it. My stepdad doesn't seem to understand that I DON'T LIKE SURPRISES! Even the good ones. I want to know what the hell is going on before it happens. He came down stairs and said he had a chore for me that would take 45 mins, "not long" according to him. In my mind, that's a long time. Then he tells me he's giving me 45 mins extra online. WTF? My head hurts now.
Going from bad to worse...
[Feb. 17th, 2004|04:05 pm]
[
mood
|
anxious
]
[
music
|
Nothing, I'm at the library
]
Tim, I hope I left it at your house. Or at home. I've lost a manuscript. Six months of work, gone. Went by the title "Ghostdancer". It was going to be published this summer to be sold at Darkover, the money to go to my College education. And now it's gone. Oh, shit.
I have a hardcopy of what's left. But it will take days to put it on disk again. Things are looking bleak.
Now, I'm just pissed off...
[Feb. 17th, 2004|04:16 pm]
Okay, I suppose I'm not really moping about my manuscript. I did, after all, have a blindingly rare moment of brilliance and print it. I think I got to a decent stopping point, too. Chapter 4, I think. I think half of this is PMS and the other is the fact that I need to see a shrink and find out what to do about my awful mood swings. If I have to go on synthetic euphoria, so be it. Maybe I'll be stinkin' stable for once. If not, then I hope there's a solution.
I know what might cheer me up temporarily! A graphic for my LJ! But I need something happy and original and purty... Hmmmm... Not much of an artist... Perhaps I could bum something off Alex or Monica...
Still at the library, stalling before I go home
[Feb. 17th, 2004|04:36 pm]
[
mood
|
better, i think
]
find your element
at mutedfaith.com.
Now THIS one worries me.
Find your Role-Playing
Stereotype at mutedfaith.com.
Am I just a jinx?
[Feb. 17th, 2004|08:19 pm]
Why is it, everytime I turn around, another bunch of friends are in the middle of some secret war. First, it's Matt, Becky, and Heather. This is bad, since they will all be invited to graduation. Then it was Lysy and Mike (with me shoved in for attempt at diplomacy and waffling action). Now Chris (my Gambit-papa) is stuck in something and I don't want to shove in, but I want to help.
I swear I'm a walking jinx.
And people wonder why I have no faith in father figures
[Feb. 18th, 2004|07:12 pm]
[
mood
|
drained
]
[
music
|
"Sun Doesn't Rise"- Mushroomhead
]
He walked out. The son of a bitch walked out. Ken took his meds and walked out. Damn him, damn him, damn him.
He wants me to treat him like a father. Then he'd better fucking well act like it.
The simple things that make me smile...
[Feb. 19th, 2004|04:18 pm]
[
mood
|
trying to feel better
]
[
music
|
"Life Goes On"-Leann Rimes (Yeah, not my usual fare)
]
Decided to cheer myself up with a list of simple pleasures, as in those little sensations or objects that cheer me up everytime.
--smell of line dried sheets
--wearing comfy sandals
--the texture of real habutai silk
--blue skies and sunshowers
--cold orange slices on a hot day
--the smell of jasmine
--friends laughing together over something harmless
--a good loud scream after a hard day
--the sound of the ocean
--wildflowers
--denim
--the smell of Tim's hair
--lying on my back in the grass, watching the sky
--openminded, philosophical, conversation
--spring rainstorms
--running around in the rain in shirt sleeves
--old, ivory lace
--Oma's perfume
--Opa's voice
--magnolia trees in bloom
--fresh cookies
--sweet tea
--cherry blossoms
--classic rock
--vanilla ice cream
--vanilla cola
--roses in the rain
--the night sky
--a cool breeze through an open window on a hot day
--a good book on a brisk day
--apples
--blackberries right off the bush
--honey sticks
--the tickle of a horse's nose
--trampolines
--pork
--soccer balls
--shaved ice on a hot day
--putting my bare feet in a cool wading pool in summer
I have nothing left to feel
[Feb. 20th, 2004|04:00 pm]
[
mood
|
numb
]
[
music
|
"Wanted"- Evanescence
]
Mama can't stop crying. He's gone. I've lost the little faith I'd gained in him. He's not coming home tonight. Maybe not even to my graduation. How can he do this to her? She needs him right now. He needs her.
I've just about given up praying. I'm lost in a mirror world. Everything feels backwards. He still loves her, doesn't he? Does he?
The lump in my throat won't go away. The sky outside is a beautiful blue, the weather is mild and warm, and the sun is shining like a baby's smile. Why am I not enjoying it?
He called last night. Left a message. He said, it was none of my business. He's right. He's wrong. It wasn't my business before. But, it is now. He can't wish that away.
I hate myself.
[Feb. 20th, 2004|10:43 pm]
[
mood
|
relieved
]
He's home
[Feb. 21st, 2004|11:11 pm]
[
mood
|
blah
]
nothing much happening
I can't deny the things that I do
[Feb. 22nd, 2004|07:02 pm]
[
mood
|
giddy
]
[
music
|
"Waiting for You"- Seal
]
Ok... I'm for once at a loss for clever names. Character is an Italian, and represents the Sky. I've got Celestina but can't think of a middle name. Her sister, with the powers of death, has one so I feel bad about Celina not having one. Also, think up reasonable powers for death is nigh impossible. But it's STILL FUN!
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