| 1:55a |
It's nights like this that make me wish I hadn't been quite so successful in completely alienating myself from nearly everyone I care about.
Panic attacks and social phobias aside, I wish I had the confidence to venture out of my comfort zone. My closest friend is my next-door neighbor, though I'm sure that it is something more than proximity that makes us friends.
I just... I wish that I didn't talk myself out of going out, that I didn't get so worked up and anxious over everything that might go wrong that I don't go out at all, that I weren't so afraid to meet new people or make conversation. I wish that I could just say "fuck it", but I freak out over minor things like speaking to people on the phone, so I have a feeling that any change will be slow in coming.
I've been trying to be more pro-active; going out more, being online, etc. but I feel so uncomfortable. It's like I've forgotten how to relate to people. I'm all awkward silences and faux pas. Faux pases? Fauxs pas? I don't know what the plural of that is. I don't speak French. Again, awkward. Ugh.
Current Mood: drunk
Current Music: Patrick Wolf . The Magic Position |