THE BED IS FIXED. And I didn't break any limbs! Almost broke the modem, almost broke the bed, probably scared the fuck out of my downstairs neighbors, but I fixed the god damned bed.

And rotated my mattress while I was at it!

The issue, it turns out, is with Ikea cutting one of the bed-boards too short; the board kept slipping and falling onto the strut, which put pressure on the metal and pulled the screw out. I realise nobody can see this in their minds right now, but the important part is that I managed to secure the board in place with duct tape, LIKE A BOSS, so it won't happen again.

Now I am going to spend the entire weekend sleeping in my newly-repaired bed.

And nursing my bruises.