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Critical Cricket

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Purging [27 Jun 2004|11:09pm]
[ mood | nerdy ]

I got too much spunk in my nose when I took a dip in this pool of wank. I am going to purge my soul now. I have to admit, I was having a bit of fun arguing with ickle troll, but considering that my puppy has better powers of reason than she, it got old fast *sighs* Why must trolls ruin fun by turning out to be lame and useless? I mean, I don't even need to make fun of her anymore when she says "I'm right because I know I'm right." Sure, and the sky is green because I said so. I told myself I'd not reply to that troll anymore and so far I've held back, but oh, I want to leap forward and bury my teeth once more into that bitter flesh just to take her down a few notches. I don't know that it's worth the effort and I did provoke her a lot probably annoying some other people so I'll refrain for now, but oh so tempting.

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Back in the Thick of Things [27 Jun 2004|01:07am]
[ mood | Happy-Dance ]

It's wanks like these that make me love F_W. It's sprung a few different discussions ranging from animals, member's puppies, sexuality and fangirls and it's just fun to play with. You post a comment, read the comments of others and generally have fun. Each time you refresh there's something new to comment on. It's pretty light, nice and fun. I'm having too much fun after being out for a while. Ah, wank, I love thee well.

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Wank no fun? [26 Jun 2004|02:05am]
[ mood | Morose ]

Technical difficulties have been keeping me away for a while. I missed that whole deleting of F_W for whatever supposed lesson that was supposed to teach. Just dumb if you ask me, but then nobody did. *shrugs* I find my patience with some of the wank growing a bit thin. I have a relatively short attention span at times and do not like going through twenty something pages just to figure out what the hell is going on. Short and sweet are best. If I can grasp it easily without a novel sized background info, that's okay as well. I just find that I don't have a lot of energy for the wank. My end must be nearing. What's that song say? When masturbation's lost it's fun your screwed? Yeah, that's me, so screwed.

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Let There be Memes [15 Jun 2004|05:40am]
[ mood | enraged ]

Because I am bored, let there be memes.

How to make a criticalcricket
Ingredients:

3 parts mercy

1 part self-sufficiency

5 parts instinct
Method:
Stir together in a glass tumbler with a salted rim. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of lustfulness



Username:


Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

Mercy? I have no mercy *squashes badfic authors beneath her 6 inch stilleto heel*

LOOK OUT!
ïòð
criticalcricket is a radioactive squirrel!!

Username:

From Go-Quiz.com

Hey! That's a lie. Everyone knows that I'm a cricket.

Informationi
Critical Cricket is a restricted area. Authorised personel only

Username:

From Go-Quiz.com


We regret to announce the unpleasant expiration of Critical Cricket, who on the 5th of May of this year was meticulously completely consumed by a large rabid squirrel. This unfortunate incident occurred near an ant pile somewhere on Interstate 52. The deceased was reported to have shouted "Well, there goes the rest of my day..." just before expiring. Critical Cricket is survived by a goldfish. Funeral services will be held the 3rd of next month. - Random Obituary Generator of Doom

What the hell?

Enough of that.

The End.
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[11 Jun 2004|01:10am]
I am too tired to slog through these sticky strands of wank as of late. Some of them are so complicated and so silly with all the children stirring the cauldrons with their inane comments. Not like the "adults" are much better. My lj seems to be collecting more "friends." I suppose I should get another essay finished. It's a toss up. I'm working on one about prostitution in fanfiction and brewing another one on Fanfiction as a valid creative outlet because all these wankers that keep saying "Fanfiction is uncreative" are really pissing on my cheerios.
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Pro Scurvy [09 Jun 2004|12:40am]
[ mood | happy ]

Pro Scurvy?

"Remember, Scurvy is NOT a disease. It is a lifestyle. Spread the truth!"

I'm thinking joke. I thought it the first time it got pointed out. Curious, I looked it up and that community is the first search result. Meaning, it pretty much doesn't exist on the rest of the web. So it's gotta be a joke right? C'mon, love the lemons, those pretty juice hot steamy boy sex...um, shiny yellow lemons. ;)

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First Word [08 Jun 2004|02:20am]
[ mood | Shiny ]

How strange, I got the first word in on the FAP/Fark Wank and Pro Ana Wank. It seems like the more I work, the less I should be up to date with wank and yet the opposite is true. Again I say, "how strange."

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What did they say? [06 Jun 2004|04:41am]
How do you keep an idiot busy for hours? You continue to perpetrate the trends and point out what they said.

Consequently, I still do not know what they said, but it's amusing nonetheless.
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Bitter Wood [06 Jun 2004|04:21am]
[ mood | energetic ]

Oh. My.

That whole Victoria Bitter/Jordan Wood train wreck/wank melted my brain. What the hell?! It boggles my mind. Completely boggles. My brain looks like an egg on drugs. Completely cracked open and scrambled. I'm going to go to bed now and dream of simple things like fluffy sheep and yaoi boys because my brain needs time to recover after that wank.

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Mass my Ass! [04 Jun 2004|03:39am]
[ mood | bored ]

Do you know what I hate? I really really hate? When a character's long hair is referred to as a "silken mass". Silken mass? How is that supposed to be even remotely sexy or whatever it is that they're trying for? The word "mass" pretty much cancels out the silky part. It certainly does not evoke a nice image of pretty shiny hair for me. I think of a shiny bird's nest when I read that. It's terrible!

I have hair that swings past my waist and I assure you nobody has ever pointed at me and said "Hey! Look at that silken mass!" Nobody has ever said to me, "Can I bury my fingers in your silken mass?" Not a single person has ever snuggled with me and said, "I love to run my fingers through your silken mass."

It's a terrible description and yet, I see it much too often. It seems particularly popular in the Gundam Wing fandom in reference to Duo Maxwell's hair. Yes, he has nice hair. It's shiny, silky, smooth, long, and even Rapunzel-like, but it is not a silken mass! So please, next time you are dealing with hair, do not call it a silken mass. Use your imagination!

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LJDrama hacked? [03 Jun 2004|11:32pm]
Seeing as F_W has currently exploded into a giant pile of splooge of Stay Puft Marshmallow Man proportions, I just went over to LJDrama in search of teh funneh. Instead I found this:

DON'T MAKE ME TURN THIS INTERNET AROUND
H4XX3D by 1NSUB

REPREZENTIN and REGULATIN since WHY TWO KAY

SHOUTOUTS: The #insub CReW, POUND EL, all my HOMIEZ in the CLINK, the SFIMC K1DZ, yourmom, mediacrat WE LOVE YOU! skrim, ibm, espe, abt, gz, mb, p, vmy, zb, t12, jej, kz, mel, M3M3P00L JOSHUA, fe our PoUnD 1nSuB REPREZENTIN TO the SOUTH, and all the GIRLZ i had to LEAVE beHiNd.

M4D PR0PZ TO TEH TW1D AND TEH T04ST AND THE H3LLp3RM
YOU HAVE B33N SK00L3D. THE INT0RW3B IS NOT UR PLAYGR0UND --ARS0NX


Uh...Ok. I don't know if it's real or not, but if it's real, damn you mediacrat you psycho you! *sighs* Where has all the funneh gone?
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Part Time Bitch [31 May 2004|09:59pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

Well, the secret's out. I'm only a part time bitch.

I AM 43% ASSHOLE/BITCH!
43% ASSHOLE/BITCH
I may think I am an asshole or a bitch, but the truth is I am a good person at heart. Yeah sure, I can have a mean streak in me, but most of the people I meet like me.

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Bad Parent Wank and Elvish Clam Bakes [28 May 2004|07:14pm]
[ mood | dirty ]

Well, I posted my first wank over in [info]otf_wank. Originally, it had drawn my attention because there was a lot of "aww poor baby" type ego stroking going on for the OP. She did something dumb. She left her child unsupervised with the cat when she was fully aware of the fact that the child tortured the cat. Then she says she doesn't care of the child was sitting on the cat and tearing its hair out, it wasn't supposed to attack the child? Excuse me, but if someone were sitting on my and tearing my hair out, I would certainly attack and I am a human adult fully capable of being logical and reasonable. The cat is not, so it really shouldn't be held to the same standards. I hold to my opinion that if the mother had been responsible with both her child and her pet, the whole situation could have been avoided. She didn't and it's very unfortunate, but the child got hurt. It's not the cat's fault and it's not the child's fault. The blame lies squarely on the shoulders of the parent and there is no squirming out of it.

The whole post seems to have drawn the attention of the OP and her supporters. The OP locked her posts and the supporters have trickled over attempting to defend her. As I said, there is no wriggling out of the blame. Had she kept them seperated or monitored the encounter or any number of other things, everybody could still be happily coexisting, but she didn't. That's the wanky part. She was dumb and went looking for sympathy. The fact that she's some sort of big name fan means she has minions of her own who are all too willing to stroke her ego and assure her that she's a good mom and pet owner, when the simple fact remains that she is neither. It is wank and it is fun to read for those of us with enough common sense to see the irony in the situation. Of course the sockpuppets are raising a stink now and it has inevitably descended into cussing. As I told one of my trolls, cursing is for those who do not have an adequate vocabulary to express themselves. There's a difference between cursing in the heat of the moment and simply running out of anything intellegent to say. It's obvious to me that the sockpuppets can't think of any reasonable response to the accusations, so they just cuss everyone out. All that earns you is even more pointing and laughing from everyone else who was able to keep their cool and respond in a calm and intelligent manner.

Enough about wank, I have this terrible image of elves at a clam bake in my head due to a little discussion taking place in the comments of this post. I see Glorfindel running around in a hula skirt with a can of beer clutched in each hand, leading the congo line around the shore. Elrond quietly sits by the fire nibbling on his food until said drunk elf catches him and whirls him off into some crazy dizzy hip-grinding dance that ends up with them sprawled out at the water's edge rolling around through the seafoam, attached at the mouth. Glorfindel's hula skirt gets washed out at sea, but none of them care as they become much more interested in certain other activities. I'm going to stop before that winds out of control. It's a fun little scene though.

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I'm so Abstruse! [28 May 2004|03:52am]
[ mood | Smart ]

A very "special" dictionary. by lily22
Look up:
Definition:Dictionary-like; one who speaks in an abstruse fashion; one whom people frequently consult.
Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

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Mediacrat Drama [27 May 2004|05:55pm]
[ mood | energetic ]

I have been following that whole mediacrat drama on ljdrama, on and off. I have to say, that kid gets even more insane with every passing update about him. He is actually stalking and harassing the people involved in the whole fiasco and has flown out to several locations as well as demanded personal information and confronted them in person. I don’t know about you (you being the journal since nobody actually reads this ;) ), but I don’t have enough money to go flying around the country everybody takes offense at something I say. Nor do I have the energy to fabricate stories about how rich and beautiful I am. I assure you I am neither. The dogged determination he shows in stalking and hunting down those that would say bad things about him is a whole new level of insanity. Get a hobby or get laid because you’re only buying yourself a one-way ticket to the nut house at this rate! That’s probably better off for those of us who dare to speak ill of others.

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Wherefor Art Thou Journal Fen? [27 May 2004|01:51am]
[ mood | Candy-Coated ]

Random small update junk.

I couldn't get on JF all day. I was going through withdrawal! Actually, I was incredibly bored and missed the wank. I was so bored that I decided to change my user info over on LJ. I have too many random trolls who are ready to jump all over me and don't even take the time to read what I have to say about things. Ad hominem anybody? It's terribly annoying. Like I've said before, at least read the message before you shoot the messenger! Anyway, just for the heck of it, I'll repost my new bio info over here for posterity.

+ + +

Mission Statement: My mission is to be bald. Baldly honest that is. I will review fanfics, write essays on certain writing trends and attitudes and otherwise comment on the world around me all while staying true to what I know and trying to make my statements as clear and useful as possible. I will not bow to the will of others simply because they disagree and will not be swayed by the ignorance of trolls and flamers.

Given the recent influx of people who are more willing to attack me as a person than listen to what I have to say, I figured I should define my "mission" a little more. I'm not out to save the world. I'm just out to point out and comment on what I see around me. I hope that some people find this helpful. In fact, I hope that people will actually take the time to listen and think about what I say. Just because you don't like me, doesn't mean I don't have anything to say. I have a lot to say, either take the time to listen or go away and keep your snide remarks to yourself. Due to the annoying trolls, anonymous comments will be screened. People are free to say whatever they want in my journal, but if you don't have anything useful to add, then I will remove the comments at my leisure.

I hold quite a few beliefs that others don't agree with. I believe that if you're going to try your hand at something, you should at least make the effort to do it well. This applies to all things, but I apply it often to fanfiction. I think that if you're going to try your hand at writing, you should at least make an effort to do it well so that you can be proud of what you've produced and that your readers will enjoy it. For some reason, people don't think that's a very good way of looking at it. However, let's say that you were learning to bake cookies. If you burnt your cookies, you cannot give them to people and say "Tough shit, eat them and like it!" You throw them away and try again. If they're brown around the edges or a little too mushy, that's fine, as long as you tried and you're willing to improve it the next time around. All of life should be like that. Even hobbies, which you do for the simple joy of doing them, should be given a good healthy effort. So what I'm saying is, if you can't be bothered to at least try and do it well, don't do it at all. If you don't like that, too bad.

This journal is a learning experience for me and whomever else decides to read it. I shall be stretching my wings as I branch out into critical analysis of stories and other technical junk. Take the ride with me, I think it will prove most interesting. If you feel a sudden overwhelming need to contact me, the comments are open and there's always aim, given that you're not a lame little flamer hiding behind your anonymity. Open your mind and enter my journal as I tell it like it is.

+ + +

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Meta-Wank [21 May 2004|08:00pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]

I go away for a few days and fandom wank explodes into a source of wank in and of itself. So far, I believe this is my favorite wank within a wank. [info]dar is just so full of it, she thinks she so smart. I want to pet her on the head and shove a cookie down her throat and see if she can figure out how to pull off a self-Heimlich. People as full of it as she is deserve to go as ignominiously as possible. Then again, the president somehow managed to defeat the evil pretzel and not die. Damn. At any rate, that wank would have fulfilled my quota for the day, but it seems that it triggered a mod to repost the “rules”. This just brings on more wank. Ah Meta-Wank. I think I need a life raft to maneuver through the excess spooge.

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Plagiarist! [19 May 2004|02:47am]
[ mood | bored ]

I’m a plagiarist! I wasn’t aware of that fact, but my troll just told me so. I posted some statements I’d read on a poster at work in this post. It happens all the time. Someone sees something amusing and tells a friend about it, writes it down and sends it in a forward, just spread the humor around. When I do it though, I become a plagiarist. The fact that I said, “Hey, this is something amusing I saw,” and posted it makes me a plagiarist despite the fact that I didn’t claim it to be mine. Maybe I should go back and take down the author and publisher of the poster just so I can cite it or something. That would be so worth it to prove to one close minded little child that I did nothing wrong. I have nothing to prove. However, when someone takes a disliking to you, the simplest things become a crime. They really need to take a hike. I like leaving my journal open to anyone who wishes to comment, but they’re becoming quite obnoxious. Perhaps it’s time to start screening comments. Or maybe I should go forth into the world in order to find more bits of grammatical humor to blatantly steal and claim as my own!

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The Talent is Pasted on [18 May 2004|03:36am]
[ mood | Amazed ]

I think that Nymph-Hyter took a few lesson from Crystal of the infamous Crystal Wank. The only difference is that dear N-H makes pretty blurry photomanips that she then claims she free-handed perfectly and in color. She post pictures of herself and guess what? Her hed is pastede on! I suppose that she's embarrassed of her breasts because she gave herself a very well-endowed chest in on particular photo. You can read all about the wank here.

What I'm still trying to figure out is how people like that can claim they did these things by hand and get so damn indignant when they're found out. Did they think no one would notice? Sure.

Photo manipulation can be an art. There are some very gorgeous photo manip sits out there like the Theban Band or Lassegalen's Laire. Yes, what they do is art. However, they actually do work on their photos! You pretty much can't tell that the heads have been pasted on. For that matter, it's very hard to spot the source photos simply because the artists have created lush backgrounds and outfits and all sorts of beautiful eye-candy. And then you have poor N-H who merely makes everything fuzzy. You can shrink down the source photos and lay them over her so-called art to see that she's lying. With most well done photo manips, you can't do that. Then again, most people who manipulate photos are upfront about it. It's kind of hard to call what N-H does a photo manip even. She uses the same background, the same expressions, the same everything and then gets mad when we don't believe that she is an artist.

Note to the delusional. If you want to be called an artist, please do so on your own merit. People have no respect for liars and thieves and once you've gone down that path, it will be very hard to loose the stigma of being a thief.

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Wank the Wank [16 May 2004|01:01pm]
[ mood | *sporfle!* ]

I’m so proud of myself. I opened up my very own can of worms on F_W. It really is hard being on the defensive so much. Yikes, everybody feels the need to attack just because I’m not a bleeding heart who thinks that all fanfic offerings should be rewarded with a pat on the head and a cookie.

Granted, for my first little review, I brought it to the author’s attention and was annoyed when she brought it to the attention of her audience in order to garner sympathy. I just happen to think that if somebody is offering some advice, even if it’s a bit hard to swallow, that you consider it. I’ve taken many a bitter pill in my lifetime. It isn’t easy, but it’s helpful. I don’t expect all those kids to cheer and thank me for ruining their illusions. I just hope that people can choke back their ego and accept the fact that yes, their writing isn’t perfect, yes they can improve it and yes, it will turn out for the best in the end. Is that such a bad thing? Apparently so! OFMG!111BBQ!!ROFL!! I am Satan reincarnated in the body of an insect! Where are my choirs of demons when I need them?

If I had choirs of demons, first of all they’d sing on key. I like a good choral pieces. Secondly they’d put tacks on the seats of all who disagree with my divine intuition and ultimate say so. Sure. I’m infallible right? I love how people just assume that you’re an asshole. Really, I love that. Obviously, I consider myself a pinnacle of literary genius. It doesn’t state in my bio that I’m trying to stretch my own wings or anything. I’m testing the waters and boy are they cold, but I’m not going to stop just because other people don’t like my opinion. It’s my opinion. It’s not necessarily correct, but I’m working on fine tuning things. I try. That’s more than I can say for those others. It’s all well and good to pick apart the critic, but what does that prove? Oh yeah, that they’re critics! Irony! How I love thee.

Hopping around and getting indignant over what people say about you is no fun. I’m mildly indignant, true. I feel I made some valid points that people ignore simply because they’re out for my head. What can you do? I’ll defend myself for a while, but that gets old fast. I’m just going to kick back, relax. They can all spazz out while I go take a nice nap. Maybe if I’m feeling up to it later on, I’ll go defend my trampled honor. Wait, do bitches like me have honor? Not when they’re done with me, but I’m sure with a bit of duct tape, all will be well.

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