The Revelation to Fandom Wank
The Potterdammerung

Introduction and Salutation


1 The revelation of Harry Potter, which JKR gave to him to show to his servants what must soon take place; and he made it known by sending his astral body to the intarweb,² who bore witness to the word of JKR and to the testimony of Harry Potter, even to all that he saw.³ Blessed is the wanka who reads aloud the word of the Deathly Hallows, and blessed are those who download it, and those who keep what is written herein even though they have been mercilessly spoiled; for the time is near.

⁴ Fandom Wank to the Internets, that are in their seven Intertubes:
Splooge to you and wank from she who is and who was and who is to come if Scholastic has anything to say about it, and from the seven books that are before her throne,⁵ and from Harry Potter the Boy Who Lived, the firstborn of tragically dead parents, and Sex God of the Internets.

To him who loves us on the astral plane, no really, and has freed us from our sins by his CAPSLOCK⁶ and made us a fandom, wankas to his Author and Creator, to him be fapping and wankstorms to end all wankstorms for ever and ever. Google.⁷ Behold, he is coming with the books, and every eye will see him, every one who read him, and all tribes of the earth will wail on account of him. Even so. Google.

⁸ "I am the Prologue and the Epilogue" says JKR, who is and who was and who is to come if Scholastic has anything to say about it, the Author.




A Vision of Harry


⁹ I Fandom Wank your sibling, who share with you in Harry Potter the shipping and the fandom and the patient endurance between book releases, was on the island called Barnes & Noble on account of the word of JKR and the testimony of Harry Potter.¹⁰ I was on the astral plane on the release date, and I heard behind me a loud voice like a glockenspiel¹¹ saying, "Blog what you see on LiveJournal and send it to the seven Intertubes, to Fandom Wank and to the Cornfield and to Portkey and to Youtube and to its_a_fake and to spoil_me_dh and to cat_macros."

¹² Then I turned to see the voice that was speaking to me, and on turning I saw seven golden Snitches,¹³ and in the midst of the Snitches one like a son of James Potter, clothed with a long robe and a Hogwarts uniform; ¹⁴ his head and his hair were dark like the darkness of my soul; his eyes were like the green of Snape's potion for Lily, ¹⁵ his feet were like well-polished leather, like the leather his pants ought to have been, and his voice was the sound of a panty-immolating English accent; ¹⁶ in his right hand he held seven wands that were not phallic symbolism at all, from his mouth issued the sword of Godric Gryffindor, and his face was like the partly-cloudy skies with a 70% chance of rain later on tonight.

¹⁷ When I saw him, I fell at his feet as though ded of coke. But he laid his right hand upon me, saying, "Fear not, I am the first and the last book,¹⁸ and the Boy Who Lived; I died, and behold I am alive on the Internets forevermore, and I have the keys of fanfiction and LiveJournal.¹⁹ Now write what you see, what is and what is to take place hereafter.²⁰ As for the mystery of the seven wands which you saw in my right hand, and the seven golden Snitches, the seven wands are the BNFs of the seven Intertubes and the seven Snitches are the seven Intertubes.



The Message to Fandom


2 "To the BNFs of Fandom write: "The word of him who holds the seven wands in his right hand, who flies among the seven golden Snitches.

² " 'I know your wank, your fanficcing and your patient endurance, and how you cannot bear rival shippers but have tested those who call themselves fans but are not, and found them to be false;³ I know you are enduring patiently in midnight release lines and bearing up for my name's sake, and you have not grown chafed. ⁴But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first. ⁵Remember then from what you have fallen, repent and fic the fics you did at first. If not, I will come to you and remove your Snitch from its place in a totally non-sexual way, no really, unless you repent or say the safeword. ⁶Yet this you have, you hate the works of The Doctor Who Killed Snarry, which I also hate. ⁷He who has an eye, let him speedread what the anonymice say to the Intertubes. To the ship who conquers I will grant to eat of the tree of canon, which is in the paradise of JKR.'


...


The Book and the Owl

5 And I saw in the right hand of him who was seated on the throne, a box written within and on the back, sealed with seven bits of packing tape;² and I saw a strong bookstore worker proclaiming with a loud voice, "Who is worthy to open the box and cut its packing tape?"³ And no one in the astral plane or in Barnes & Noble or on the Intertubes was able to cut the packing tape and look into the box,⁴ and I wept much that no one was found worthy to open the box or to look into the books.⁵ Then one of the bookstore workers said to me, "Weep not; lo, the Gryffindor of the tribe of Hogwarts, the Seed of James, has conquered, so that he can open the box with its seven bits of packing tape."

⁶And between the throne and the four living fen and the bookstore workers, I saw an Owl standing, as though it had been slain, with seven horns and seven eyes, which are the seven books of JKR sent out into all the earth;⁷ and she went and took the box from the right hand of him who was seated on the throne with a friendly nip at his finger.⁸ And when she had taken the box, the four living fen and the twenty-four bookstore workers fell down before the Owl, each holding a klezmer, and with golden bowls full of owl treats, which are the prayers of the BNFs;⁹ and they sang a new song, saying,

"Worthy art thou to take the box and cut its bits of packing tape,
for thou art not under 18 and will not steal my cosplay prize from me by virtue of being young and adorable and so are a true fan
from every site and fic repository and ship and internet,
¹⁰ and hast made the fen a fandom and BNFs of our Overlord JKR,
and they shall reign on earth."

¹¹ Then I looked, and I heard around the throne and the living fen and the bookstore workers the fapping of many wankers, numbering myriads of myriads and thousands of thousands,¹² saying with a loud voice, "Worthy is the Owl who was slain, to receive power and wealth and teenage wisdom and might and honor and glory and blessing!"¹³ And I heard every fan in the astral plane and in Barnes & Noble and on the Internet, and all therein, saying, "To him who sits upon the throne and to the Owl be blessing and honor and glory and might forever and ever!" ¹⁴And the four fen said, "Google!" and the bookstore workers fell down and worshiped.