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Some days it's extremely apparent that I fail at neurotypicality. I don't think like 'regular' people; when I do, it's like speaking a second language. I don't parse things the same way, I don't express them the same way, and some days it's like there's always going to be this GULF between me and other people, because I do not think 'normally', and I never have.
I mean, my nonexistent social life throughout school up to post-secondary is screaming proof of that.
I'm learning to like my mind, weirdness and all, but some days it's just incredibly aggravating to know that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try - and I try hard, I REALLY DAMN TRY HARD - and no matter what measures I take, I am 'them' and not 'us'.
I don't express myself normally, I don't read normally, I don't correlate and absorb and store normally.
I am not built, mentally, in the normal mould.
I can deal with the worst of it. I'm not going to use ADD as an excuse to be incredibly stupid, immature and short-sighted. I'm going to a counselor and basically learning how to think, all over again. I have to learn all over again how to respond to some stimuli, how to deal with myself. I have to learn to be fair with myself, over all, and it's hard.
Especially on days when I'm so convinced I'm going to be 'them' for the rest of my life because I seriously don't speak the same mental dialect or even language as most of the world.
It probably sucks eight times harder for people with AS. I'm very poor at parsing tone from text - extremely crashingly gong-show poor - and I'm bad at parsing tone and intent from spoken words face to face sometimes. I loathe the phone because I'm certain I will say the wrong thing, and disgust people. I am a princess of foot-in-mouth - though that's better than the empress i used to be. My tact is still sometimes sparse.
I got as far as I did before the explosion because I'm stubborn. XD My breaking point was when I was 25. On one hand I'm proud but on the other JESUSING CHRISTING HELLISH BALLS.
I dunno. I don't like the gaps between me and 'everyone else'. There are things I will never be able to do, and I'm only now coming to terms with the fact that this is the case but it is okay for that to be the case. I've got a couple of disabilities. One learning, one physical. They don't define my life or who I am, but they shape my interactions with reality to a great extent. Until gene therapy gets real real good, this is how it is. I have to be more careful with me than most people have to be with them.
And I'm not that bad off comparatively.
Iiii don't know. VIEWING THE INTERIOR OF MY NAVEL! :D
Sometimes, it just whacks me in the head, though.
I mean, my nonexistent social life throughout school up to post-secondary is screaming proof of that.
I'm learning to like my mind, weirdness and all, but some days it's just incredibly aggravating to know that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try - and I try hard, I REALLY DAMN TRY HARD - and no matter what measures I take, I am 'them' and not 'us'.
I don't express myself normally, I don't read normally, I don't correlate and absorb and store normally.
I am not built, mentally, in the normal mould.
I can deal with the worst of it. I'm not going to use ADD as an excuse to be incredibly stupid, immature and short-sighted. I'm going to a counselor and basically learning how to think, all over again. I have to learn all over again how to respond to some stimuli, how to deal with myself. I have to learn to be fair with myself, over all, and it's hard.
Especially on days when I'm so convinced I'm going to be 'them' for the rest of my life because I seriously don't speak the same mental dialect or even language as most of the world.
It probably sucks eight times harder for people with AS. I'm very poor at parsing tone from text - extremely crashingly gong-show poor - and I'm bad at parsing tone and intent from spoken words face to face sometimes. I loathe the phone because I'm certain I will say the wrong thing, and disgust people. I am a princess of foot-in-mouth - though that's better than the empress i used to be. My tact is still sometimes sparse.
I got as far as I did before the explosion because I'm stubborn. XD My breaking point was when I was 25. On one hand I'm proud but on the other JESUSING CHRISTING HELLISH BALLS.
I dunno. I don't like the gaps between me and 'everyone else'. There are things I will never be able to do, and I'm only now coming to terms with the fact that this is the case but it is okay for that to be the case. I've got a couple of disabilities. One learning, one physical. They don't define my life or who I am, but they shape my interactions with reality to a great extent. Until gene therapy gets real real good, this is how it is. I have to be more careful with me than most people have to be with them.
And I'm not that bad off comparatively.
Iiii don't know. VIEWING THE INTERIOR OF MY NAVEL! :D
Sometimes, it just whacks me in the head, though.