||[Sep. 2nd, 2005|08:42 pm]
To give all of myself and still remain Eric is the balance I am still trying to find.|
I wrote those words in an email to Jurgen nearly a year and a half ago and I am stunned by how much has changed since then.
Still reeling from a severed contract, attempting to trust in a new love, I was certain that I had to choose one path or the other. I believed that I could either be a lover or a submissive, but there was no earthly way for me to blend both aspects of my nature into a seamless whole.
I loved Pierce. I loved Peter. And Jamie will always have reserved to him a piece of my heart. I have no doubt in my mind that what I felt for them, what I carried in my heart, was genuine. Each of them entered my life at different times and left for different reasons. One was claimed by death, another chose a career instead of a relationship. One will remain an unfathomable mystery.
And then there is Sean…
He is the only man who can lay claim to all that is Eric.
To say that Jamie was vanilla would be to give him more spice than he deserves. Sex scared him. One night of lovemaking was enough to bring on a month's depression. Sex, though, is but a single aspect of a relationship, and there was much that I loved about him.
I loved him with the innocence of youth, yet I have no regrets. He lived in a world ruled by convention, but was, in some ways, more forgiving than the circles in which I travelled. Yet, he was my first love, and there is not a person alive who does not think back to those days without a certain amount of tenderness. I know if I were to ask Sean about his first love, the details would rise immediately to the surface of memory.
And then there was Pierce. Ten years after Jamie's death and I wonder—was he the rebound? The man who cauterized raw nerve endings so they could, at last, heal? It has taken a very long time to exorcise him from my psyche, and while Sean would take umbrage with my position, it was Pierce, regretfully, who allowed me to love.
Peter, on the other hand, taught me to lust. My God. The man whetted my appetites as few others have. Sex was something to be enjoyed, celebrated, indulged. Peter freed me to enjoy my sexuality as few others have.
Pierce stirred my heart. Peter awakened my body. Sean claims my soul.
Sean has stitched together all the pieces and allowed me to be Eric. In some areas I am his equal, in others I am completely submissive to his will. My greatest pleasure comes not from what happens in our bed, but outside of it—seeing the joy of a life well lived dancing behind his eyes. He renews me in ways he cannot possibly imagine and there is not a day goes by that I do not thank the Maker for bringing him into my life.
If one needs an example that faith is rewarded, he need not look past Sean. Unbeknownst to me, he loved me well before I was capable of returning the sentiment, but for as long as I have breath in my body, I shall endeavour to love him in kind.
He has awakened in me new possibilities. For the first time in my life I am free to love on my own terms, but having been given that freedom, find that it is no longer necessary. He has given me things I've never had before: a family (albeit one that stretches the definition well past convention), a legal marriage, equal standing, a love life well worth writing home about, and a foundation upon which I am free to build.
There are times when the difference in our ages weighs heavily upon one or the other of us. I would expect that is natural. He is 31 years older than I am and the odds dictate I'll outlive him. But those are odds only, probabilities concocted by statisticians to complete some form for government records. I could die tomorrow; if nothing else I've learned not to trust to actuarial tables. Should the fates so decree, I will accept that. My lessons, though hard, have been well learned. I'm certain Adrian never expected Guy to die first. And while I once believed I'd outlive Jamie, life has taught me otherwise.
Sean is my past, my present, and my future. I would have it no other way.