Still no word on the teacup

Chapter 9
Slytherin: WHY DID YOU WAKE ME UP.

Wrong: I am the Great One!

Slytherin: If you're so great, why are you torturing naked children?

Wrong: We have this prophecy that would bring you back with the blood of your heir and some other kids.

Slytherin: Release my heir!

Wrong: The thing is, we have to kill him to incarnate you.

Slytherin: DO AS I SAY! *kills her*

Damien: Setting your heir free right now sir!

Slytherin: If I don't kill him, I can be much more powerful.

“Why would I, the great Lord Slytherin, after being returned from a sleep of over a thousand years, want to walk the earth as a mere mortal man when the Prophecy gives me the occasion to be so much more? I can be immortal and invincible if joined with evil."

“But you just killed her,” Damien said in a meek voice.

“She was not the personification of evil,” Slytherin said with the hint of a laugh. “She was but a warped and frustrated old hag.” He looked knowingly at Damien. “You, my servant, are the embodiment of pure evil. When you and I are joined, no one will be able to conquer us.”

Damien stared uneasily at the ghostlike figure of Salazar Slytherin. What exactly did he mean by joined? Were they to be some sort of partners in crime, or did he intend to live as a parasite off his body as Voldemort had done with Professor Quirrell? (If Damien is pure evil, why did he show compassion to the kids?)

Slytherin: Although my heir can live, you three girls are the "Health, sight, and spirit bright" that's going to kill me someday, so I'll have to get rid of you. *goes into Damien's body* Get rid of the girls, but leave the boys here for their parents to find.

The adults: We're getting closer!

Emily: We're so dead.

Caitlin: We must hope!

“My lovely Caitlin,” Hooch said nastily. “I imagine you expect me to torture you unmercifully. Admittedly, it would give me great pleasure to turn you into a human shish kebab, but it will give me even more pleasure to know that you have died at the hands of your rescuers.”

“Do you see that crossbow?” Hooch asked sadistically. “It is aimed directly for your heart and the arrow it holds has been soaked in a deadly poison. Can you imagine Hermione’s grief when the opening of the dungeon door sets it off? I can only hope that she will be the one to actually open the door.”

“But that is only the beginning,” Hooch cackled. “In your hand you will be holding the rope that will suspend Jamie Zacherley above the Pyramid of Death. When the arrow pierces your heart, your hand will go limp and Miss Zacherley will become four nicely separated pieces.”

“What about me?” Emily inquired, not actually knowing what possessed her to ask such a question.

“You, my dear, are what they refer to as a warm up act,” Hooch laughed. “That is why I haven’t secured your sister in her harness yet, nor suspended her above the pyramid. I want both her and Caitlin to have a good view as I first mutilate and then kill you. Their deaths will come so fast that they won’t get to suffer. Through you they can experience how brutal and horrible death can be.”

“I was hoping you didn’t intend to leave me out of all the fun,” Emily said bravely. Her words sounded plucky, but Emily was scared to death.

The adults: We're getting closer!

Jamie: *turns into a unicorn and gores Hooch*

Hermione: *Apparates into the dungeon*

(Laters)

Hermione: Oh, Harry, I'm so worried that you'll hate me for this but ... when I was held prisoner in that dungeon, I had sex with Damien. Do you want to hear me talk about it?

Harry: Sure.

Hermione: *recounts how she tricked Damien*

Harry: Yeah, that doesn't exactly make me hate you.

Caitlin: Emily, are you cold? You're wearing a sweater and normally you hate clothes.

Emily: When Madam Pomfrey was shrinking my breasts, I sort of stoppd her a little early, and I don't want anyone to notice yet.

Caitlin: Emily, we're nudists. Just go tell them.

Emily: Okay, but you have to come with me.

Caitlin: Emily, you moron, we just walked in on our parents having sex!

“That stuff that came out of Dad’s penis. Is that what makes a person pregnant?” Emily asked.

“Yes, it contains the sperm that can make you pregnant,” Hermione confirmed.

“What if you got it in your mouth and swallowed it?” Caitlin asked. “Would that make you pregnant?”

“No,” Hermione said with a chuckle. “It must enter the vagina in order for you to get pregnant.”

“Why are you laughing?” Emily scolded.

“I’m not laughing at you guys,” Hermione apologized. “I’m picturing Ron trying to answer similar question in class. His face will be redder than his hair.”

Emily: *shows her breasts*

Hermione: Yeah, that's okay with me!

Harry: Look at this article in the Daily Prophet! They're screwed up every single detail of the story - Wrong's not a hero! *calls up Percy*

Percy: *is an even bigger asshole than in GoF*

Snape: *announces the truth to everyone at dinner* And the Tournament with start when the team from the Salem Witches Institute gets here. "Tuck in."

Chapter 10
Kim: *sleeps naked*

Emily: I wish we could be naked all the time!

They: *hug*

Denise: Get a room, lezzies!

Janice: Must we watch you "fornicate"?

Kim: It wouldn't matter if we were gay!

Denise: Yeah, you'd still suck.

Kim and Emily: *pretend to be in love with each other*

Marta: You guys, Becky and I have been having sex since we were ten.

Denise: You two, in your knicker and bras-less states, are sluts.

Emily: *moons*

Becky & Marta and Emily & Kim: *walk into the Great Hall holding hands*

Harry: WTF?!

Hermione: Huh, I did notice sexual magnetism between Becky and Marta last year.

Harry: I don't care about them, they aren't my daughter!

Snape: Oh, I got a Howler.

Percy's voice: FUCK YOU, SNAPE! FUCK YOU! I TOLD THAT STORY TO THE PRESS FOR A GOOD REASON AND YOU HAD TO FUCK IT ALL UP! DIE IN A FIRE!

Ginny: Sex Ed time! I am the best one to teach you about this, because I'm a whore. Any questions?

Emily: Sure! I've seen that some guys have really big things. What happens if you fall in love with a guy and he's too big to fit inside your twat?

Ginny: We will use proper language in this class, you whore. Men have penises. Women have vaginas. Anyway, vaginas can stretch quite a lot, even up to twelve inches deep. Any more questions?

Denise: Since our textbook is so old, I think we should use the living models in the classroom - Emily and Kim.

“That’s a ridiculous idea,” Tyler said without taking time to raise his hand and be recognized. “Even if one of the girls were actually foolish enough to be willing to do it, I’m sure the Board of Governors would never approve. Then, there are their parents and our parents to consider; I seriously doubt many of them would consent. Plus, it would be sexist to only have a female model.”

“You could volunteer,” Janice suggested. “I know personally that I‘d be willing to study late into the night if you were the model.”

“Okay! Okay! That’s enough!” Ginny shouted. “Denise, you’ll be spending tomorrow evening with me in detention. I don’t appreciate my class being disrupted. I’m not an idiot, young lady. I know that suggestion was only made to embarrass Emily and Kim. Class dismissed,” Ginny proclaimed.

Emily: Actually, I think this sounds like a great idea.

Draco: I'd like to have a kid, Ginny. Let's get married.

Ginny: Yesss!

Caitlin: Matt, what's wrong?

Matt: *cries* WHen we were going up the ladder to Divination, I saw up your skirt and it made me want to sex you.

Caitlin: It's too bad "we’re only thirteen. The consequences of us having sex are just too dreadful to imagine."

Matt: I want you to start wearing trousers, so other boys won't see up your skirt. And maybe a bra.

Caitlin: I can't believe how possessive and socionormative you're being. I'll give you my answer after dinner.

Slytherin: We need some Death Eaters to recruit for our cause.

Crabbe: Yeah, but they're all dead.

Slytherin: Let's try for their kids, then.

Jamie: Caitlin, what are you doing?

Caitlin: I'm giving Matt my answer!

Jamie: Not until I know the question.