A male Rose Potter
So I found this epic badfic that seems like it's just a simple AU: what would have happened if Uncle Vernon had hit Harry instead of swinging and missing? But the answer turned out to be "he'd leave him for dead and run away, and then godlike beings would rescue Harry and buff him up and kill Uncle Vernon". And I can't stop reading it. It has that Rose Potter fatal flaw of people magically knowing about things they ought to do because the author's read all of the books, so Harry learns Occlumency with the Brotherhood, &c. and they find most of the Horcruxes by the time Harry's 14. Because Harry's so superpowered and awesome, the girl for him is of course Hermione, and therefore Ron sucks pretty hardcore and Ginny is a jealous, petty wench.

What's really got me hooked is that Draco (who is really dumb in this fic) finds a dagger, and he thinks it would be great to stab Harry or Hermione. Pansy realizes that is a special dagger, and stabs Hermione with it. Harry has to masturbate into a beaker (which will never not be funny) and claim Hermione as his property, and Pansy has to give up a quart of blood - but for Hermione to live for more than six months, she'd need all of Pansy's blood. Because the author has some truly disturbing ideas about the death penalty, this is up to Pansy's family, who decide to let her live.

Pansy is then sent to live with Babymort and be some kind of slave for him and any DEs who happen to be there, with a strongly implied rapey element. Draco is eventually carted off to somewhere distant (his parents used fertility drugs and had triplets, so they don't need him) and has to stay there by himself forever. The two are to get married at some point, and then go back to their shitty lives.

You guys, I really deeply want to read a fic about this Draco and this Pansy and how they miss each other and come to realize that they were real brats, but these people are so much worse, and then come back and kick everyone's ass and take over the world. Also with pining for each other. I think there's something wrong with me.