The HMS Dark Unknown

I don't know where they are. :(

2008-09-03T00:59:26Z

http://www.abominable.cc/2007/12/05/24/

I don't know what this is, but I feel like I might cry.

Also: I think I may love Candice Hern, and I haven't even read any of her books. A lot of what we assume to be Regency etiquette comes from Georgette Heyer books, and she was a true snob and the books reflect more of her attitudes than the Regency's.

Twilight

2008-09-01T21:22:24Z

So I pretty much haven't been using this account since I unjoined F_W*, and I was reading around and I wondered: is there anyone who would enjoy a "Twilight cornfield" type of situation? Obviously it wouldn't be an F_W offshoot and therefore there would probably be some crossover and stuff, but the rules about trolling and such would still apply. Or just a generalized Twilight comm, somewhat like the STFU but with much less off-topicness and fic/meta - people might link, in addition to craziness with petitions/leaks/moviewank, entertaining mockery or discussions. What do you think?

* Which has really worked out well for me - not to be an Ataniell but it's really interesting to look at it from the outside as a previous insider

Trial

2008-07-28T19:09:36Z

So my mom and I are avid fans of the Comics Curmudgeon, This Week in Milford, and related sites (Mary Worth and Me, the Luck of Dennis St Michel, &c.). And as a result of the Curmudgeon, I've started reading Apartment 3-G every day, partially to anticipate what he'll say about it and partially because I want to know what crazy drug-addled antics Alan will have and what Margo's going to do next. And then we just realized (like ten minutes ago, while we were making caramel shortbread) that there is no comic blog dedicated to Apartment 3-G, easily one of the most entertaining of the comics of its set (Mary Worth, Mark Trail, Judge Parker ... the drama ones that seem to be set in a weird mixtures of the 50s and the present).

We discussed two options, both of which are somewhat appealing (one is more appealing). One is that Tommie (either a crossdresser or just regular Tommie) writes down everything that happens; the other is that, like Dennis St Michel, Viscount Stokington, it's transposed into the past - in this case, the Edwardian era, or maybe the twenties.

(I'm just using links to the comics right now because I don't feel like bothering with Tinypic.)

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/style/comics/king.htm?name=Apartment_3-G&date=20080726

Finally, the "Prairie Conservancy" picked up LuAnn's work. I'm not sure if she was getting more desperate than we all thought - worried that she'd forever be known as That Artist Who Saw Ghosts (Or Maybe Just Got High In Her Studio) - or if she's just that crazy about South Dakota. South Dakota. That guy, Jack, that's been hanging around Margo (although he'll probably scurry off now that she's not mad at Eric anymore) just smirked at first - and so did I, really. Margo didn't; sometimes she tries to take Lu seriously. But the two of them couldn't keep from laughing their heads off when she got all excited over SD. It sobered me right up (somewhat literally! Sometimes you just can't help yourself in this apartment), though, because her exhilaration about the northern midwest plus her empty eyes worried me a bit. I know she's a ditz, but ... can she be getting worse?

Or maybe she just has her own stash of vodka hidden somewhere on the premises.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/style/comics/king.htm?name=Apartment_3-G&date=20080728

Jack smiled indulgently at Louise. "What has South Dakota to cause such gaiety?" Very likely he did not intend to condescend quite so much, but it was difficult for anyone talking to her to resist the urge. "Have I missed some aspect of the lure of grassland?" Margo toyed with a fork and looked on, as did the other diners at the table, albeit with less hungry eyes than they. True, she had been dangling after him for a few weeks, when it seemed that Eric would never make an offer, but since Eric's latest missive had been quite expansive on the topic of their future honeymoon she had decided (she would have liked to say "with some pain," but there had really been no emotional connection between them) to leave Jack be, perhaps to one of the other girls.

"My parents own a ranch out there," Lu replied, the midwestern twang coming out stronger in her voice at the thoughts of home. "Oh, it's been ages since I saw them." Or since they answered my letters, or since they said anything about the money you wire home once a month, she added internally. She kept up the bright, hopeful exterior she had polished over the years of living in close quarters with the other girls in the boarding house. "This will be a lovely chance to see them all again - I bet my younger brother is as tall as a church steeple by now!" And her elder brothers would be there, with their stone-faced wives, all of them - including her parents - reminding her that she hadn't thought being a farmer's wife had been good enough for her, that her leaving for the Big Apple (where women showed their ankles and smoked and even drank in public, things that would never be condoned in Little Forks) had been a disappointment to the family. But there was always the chance that they'd be glad to see her, call her pretty Louise-Anne again, and everything could be wonderful again.

Icon very appropriate

2008-06-17T13:34:52Z

Mmmmm. Cleaned out my flist - defriended anyone who hasn't friended me back, because JF's small enough that if you're not going to friend me back I'm not going to bother hanging around after you (I think that's okay on LJ, in the case of people who have giant flists because of their fic or art - you have to start picking and choosing then). Also defriended people who defriended me*, because people who hang around after that seem a bit sad to me. Also unjoined FW and some of the related comms. I wonder if all of this will result in using this journal more or less.

*teeny note of butthurt: I always tell people on the meme to just go ahead and defriend people without bothering to explain why, so as to save drama and awkwardness, but I really wish someone had told me in this case.

Fandom

2008-06-09T14:48:32Z

I'm just so tired of fandom in general. Maybe it's just that in certain places I tend to see more quotes and things of people who just suck, but, god. I'm just sick of the woman-hating. This Sandy McCoy thing, which has such an undercurrent of "He should be dating me." Every new female character on Doctor Who making people go "meh" or "Mary Sue" because she has some kind of knowledge that's completely applicable to whatever the episode's about. Every female character getting picked to death, and everyone always deciding that she's either a stereotype of a housewife/emotional woman/cheerleader/mother/&c. or a Canon Sue, because god forbid a person love her kids or cry or love cheerleading, right?

It's the last one that really pisses me off. Do these people seriously not realize how ridiculous it is to insist that all female characters meet the same elusive and exacting standards? She has to physically kick ass, but not too much and not more than the main male character. She has to be good looking, but not beautiful - she can't have people actually notice she's pretty and she can't be secretly pretty. She can't have any special talents that are useful to the plot or she's a Mary Sue, she can't have any that aren't useful or she's still a Mary Sue, and if she doesn't have any special talents she's useless.

I think I make this same post every other month, but. It's still true.

:/

2008-05-12T16:21:34Z

http://saeva.livejournal.com/128390.html?format=light

I am kind of uncomfortable with people ... how do you say it ... getting offended on other people's behalf without knowing how they feel about it. Especially as there are more important issues with "pimp", like minoukatze says in the comments (ie, the costumes and glorification), which do not overlap at all with the usage meaning "promote" (which seems to be entirely fannish).

This icon seemed less obnoxious when I made it a year ago

2008-05-09T17:49:18Z

... I thought we were done with the boobie trains. :(

A male Rose Potter

2008-04-28T18:21:16Z

So I found this epic badfic that seems like it's just a simple AU: what would have happened if Uncle Vernon had hit Harry instead of swinging and missing? But the answer turned out to be "he'd leave him for dead and run away, and then godlike beings would rescue Harry and buff him up and kill Uncle Vernon". And I can't stop reading it. It has that Rose Potter fatal flaw of people magically knowing about things they ought to do because the author's read all of the books, so Harry learns Occlumency with the Brotherhood, &c. and they find most of the Horcruxes by the time Harry's 14. Because Harry's so superpowered and awesome, the girl for him is of course Hermione, and therefore Ron sucks pretty hardcore and Ginny is a jealous, petty wench.

What's really got me hooked is that Draco (who is really dumb in this fic) finds a dagger, and he thinks it would be great to stab Harry or Hermione. Pansy realizes that is a special dagger, and stabs Hermione with it. Harry has to masturbate into a beaker (which will never not be funny) and claim Hermione as his property, and Pansy has to give up a quart of blood - but for Hermione to live for more than six months, she'd need all of Pansy's blood. Because the author has some truly disturbing ideas about the death penalty, this is up to Pansy's family, who decide to let her live.

Pansy is then sent to live with Babymort and be some kind of slave for him and any DEs who happen to be there, with a strongly implied rapey element. Draco is eventually carted off to somewhere distant (his parents used fertility drugs and had triplets, so they don't need him) and has to stay there by himself forever. The two are to get married at some point, and then go back to their shitty lives.

You guys, I really deeply want to read a fic about this Draco and this Pansy and how they miss each other and come to realize that they were real brats, but these people are so much worse, and then come back and kick everyone's ass and take over the world. Also with pining for each other. I think there's something wrong with me.

WRY

2008-04-23T14:15:19Z

You know, I always find the whole "boobie trains" thing kind of offensive and objectifying*, but sometimes I really have to wonder why. In a post about objectifying women's breasts.

*and when I say this I mean "I used to find it vaguely amusing but I full-on hate them now"

Really belatedly

2008-04-11T10:28:51Z

I'm sort of belatedly reading John Granger's The Alchemist's Tale and wondering how on earth anyone could use this to support anything other than the canon ships.

“Alchemical sulfur” represents the masculine, impulsive, and red pole, while “quicksilver” or “alchemical mercury” represents the feminine and cool complement. Together and separately these reagents advance the base metal to gold. ... Together, and more obviously, in their disagreements and separation, Harry’s friendships with Ron and Hermione transform him from lead to gold. Sulfur and quicksilver are frequently called “the quarreling couple,” an apt name for Ron and Hermione.

To be honest, I think most of it's crap - it's not that she did these things because they're alchemical, they happen to be alchemical. I think the relationship between "what very often happens in books because it resonates with people or whatever" and "this is a special spiritual path so authors follow it woooo woooooo~!" gets kind of mixed. It seems like alchemy is because of what people write, and not the other way 'round, John.

He talks about doppelgangers in alchemy and lists "George and Fred, the Weasley troop, Hagrid and Grawp, Sirius and James, Ron and Hermione, Slytherine and Gryffindor, Lily and Petunia, Peter and Neville, as a cross-generational pair of look-alikes, and Harry and Neville, who are joined by the prophecy." But pairs are also a great way to show characterization, especially as foils (Peter and Neville, Sirius and Regulus, Ron and Hermione, Slytherins and Gryffindors, Voldemort and Harry).

"Death is a necessary part of the alchemical work; only in the death of one thing, from the alchemical perspective, is the greater thing born. (Alchemists frequently cited John 12:24 and Christ’s Crucifixion and Resurrection.) But Love, the action of contraries and their resolution, transcends death. Love brings life out of death, even eternal life and spiritual perfection. This is a direct match with Rowling’s message about how to understand death and love." Uh, yeah, okay, but they're also probably the biggest literary themes because they are so central to human existence. There's nothing alchemical about it.

On the possibility that she's not using alchemy: "This explanation suggests that her art is somehow “accidental,” which is not plausible, given the obvious extent of her knowledge of alchemical imagery and her skillful use of it in her books." Which is a pretty darn circular argument.

In short, what a crazypants.

esclaramonde @ 2008-01-28T18:53:00

2008-01-28T18:55:05Z

I've finally gotten around to watching the second half of VMars, S3.

MAXWELL SHEFFIELD??? Why was I not informed.

Pretty

2008-01-21T14:10:10Z

I find it a little mad that seriously everyone knows the VSD. Seriously everyone.

I'm calling the fic "Ginevra"

2008-01-13T18:10:12Z

RRRRRRGH They let you get all the way to the episode before they tell you you need to be in the US to watch. Honestly. This is what drives people to the torrent sites.

When I post this fr rlz I'm going to have a big AN about why I wrote it and how I don't hate pairings, but I obvs don't need to do that for here.

Mr. Potter had been fond of Ginevra – rather fonder than anyone, most of all Ginevra, had expected. However, after their initial understanding, at roughly the same time that he began to understand the responsibilities he would be obliged to undertake, he had chosen to break it off with her. She understood quite well at the time, and when, several months later, he announced his engagement, she was only slightly less sanguine: Miss Granger was a most sensible match, and Ginevra knew the pair to be great friends. Hermione would be the ideal wife and manager of the household, and would always be able to hold a conversation on any topic, and would never ever show any desire to take part in a Quidditch match. For his part, Harry would secure her place in a society which held blood to be of utmost importance, and provide an excellent home with anything at all Hermione wished for in it.

While Ginevra was reflecting on the conjugal pair, she felt the eyes of her dining partner upon her. “I was wondering whether I ought to guess what you are thinking,” said Mr. Draco Malfoy.

“Pray, do not trouble yourself,” said Ginevra. “It is only of inconsequentialities, I assure you.”

“Oh?” he said in a careless manner. “Then I suppose I was wrong. I had judged, by your rather intense expression, that you were musing on the dangers of a confinement, or perhaps the increasing rate of divorce.”

“If I really believed you suspected me of any such thing,” she replied severely, “I should hex you; and, as that has happened before, I can only conclude that you are essaying a teasing manner. Once again, I ask you not to trouble yourself.”

Mr. Malfoy was the grandson of a man who had made his vast fortune in trade, but was, on his mother’s side, a member of what was once considered England’s greatest wizarding family, and due to both of these considerations, Ginevra would never have been placed with him at any other party. Due to the fact that he and his parents had recently fought against nearly everyone else present at this one, he ought never to have been placed with her – but Hermione had begged her to relax her sensibilities, for no-one else would consent to sit with him.

“Oh,” he said again, but this time with an archness of tone which could only be calculated to irritate. “I must have been misinformed. Are you not gripped with a violent passion for Mr. Potter?”

“Indeed, no,” she snapped, “and you may do well not to listen to unfounded rumor.”

To use the words of the Lovely Nos, it is a bit shit. But that's okay, because it's still better than what it's based on.

esclaramonde @ 2007-12-17T16:27:00

2007-12-17T21:51:34Z

You know, as much as I enjoy reading the comments of Mike Smith's HP reviews for the ridiculous people getting smacked down, I feel a bit bad (for him) that a good chunk of the people saying, "Yeah, go you!" are so dumb. For example, in the comments of this post are Madderbrad, Annearchy, Marianros (who calls Lily a "gold-digging bitch" and nobody disagrees with her), T0ra-chan, Aloysius Weasley, and Raven Feathers. I don't know, maybe this is sociopathic or something, it just seems like he deserves more people with sense and senses of humor because he has them. LOL SENSITIVE.

In the comments of the Scalzi post

2007-12-15T02:24:37Z

If there's one thing I like to do, it's note things that make me angry.

Let’s call [slash] what it is. Fetishism. No different than Furries. And it should be treated as such.

I start wondering if the fannish community is no longer willing to keep fanfic amongst themselves, and instead wants to put it on the bookshelf next to “Othello”. That’s a line I don’t believe should be crossed.
-
Therein lies the difference between an homage and fanfic, legalities aside. One honors the source, the other doesn’t.
-
At any rate, though I may FEEL like I have a stake in, or in part a right to those characters; that feeling is incorrect. It is legally, and morally incorrect. Those characters are the authors original creations, they have the right to do with them what they please; and other than in my own head or on my own private property, I do not.
-
A big part of my problem with fanfic is slash. I’m not going to tell anyone who they should be sleeping with, or even fantasizing about, but Kirk/Spock is just freakin’ creepy. Call it a personality quirk of mine. If the fannish community could keep the slash-pile locked up in the basement somewhere, I imagine a lot of objections would disappear. But that ain’t gonna happen.
-
But if slash is in fact erotica and not fetishism, answer me one question: why is it specifically about Fantasy/SF characters as opposed to just regular people?
-
You can tell none of them enjoy being played like puppets, but they’re helpless. It’s rape, if not in deed then in intent.
-
What goes on in your own head fine but it seems too much to me like ridding on the coattails of someone else’s hard work when you want the whole world to look at it.
-
I don’t believe you. While legitimacy is irrelevant to pay, who does not want to get paid for doing what they love?
-
However, with regard to fanfic, if fiction written using other people’s characters and worlds (and specific plot) becomes legal to exist, it will necessarily be legal to sell.

PS: Never buy anything of Chris Byrne's. Or Ed Bartlett's, because he can't spell "copyright".

I cannot watch the leading-up-to or torture scenes in Pan's Labyrinth. DDDDDDDDDDDD:

I should be writing

2007-11-19T01:38:08Z

In any event, the fact that absolutely none of them choose to stand and fight for Hogwarts makes it pretty clear that absolutely none of them value anything except their own interests. What I like is that this isn't regarded as evidence that all Slytherins are pussies, but that JK Rowling is prejudiced against Slytherins.

♥

My favorite list

2007-11-09T21:03:58Z

Latest on my list of things I can't stand: people being derogatory about Austen and spelling her name wrong at the same time. Seriously, it just makes you look like an idiot. If you're being ranted at by HP fen who like Austen enough to know that she used "gotten", you probably aren't being flamed that badly.

IDKY I still have that comm on my flist. Occasionally something interesting comes up and I read all the comments and wish there were more, but most of the time it's either people going "oh, how stupid are those Americans," "I need to know a derogatory term for gay men in the (70s/90s - choose one depending on whether it's R/S or H/D)," or "I AM MORE BRITISH THAN YOU, OTHER BRITISH PERSON."

Still no word on the teacup

2007-10-28T21:16:09Z

Chapter 9
Slytherin: WHY DID YOU WAKE ME UP.

Wrong: I am the Great One!

Slytherin: If you're so great, why are you torturing naked children?

Wrong: We have this prophecy that would bring you back with the blood of your heir and some other kids.

Slytherin: Release my heir!

Wrong: The thing is, we have to kill him to incarnate you.

Slytherin: DO AS I SAY! *kills her*

Damien: Setting your heir free right now sir!

Slytherin: If I don't kill him, I can be much more powerful.

“Why would I, the great Lord Slytherin, after being returned from a sleep of over a thousand years, want to walk the earth as a mere mortal man when the Prophecy gives me the occasion to be so much more? I can be immortal and invincible if joined with evil."

“But you just killed her,” Damien said in a meek voice.

“She was not the personification of evil,” Slytherin said with the hint of a laugh. “She was but a warped and frustrated old hag.” He looked knowingly at Damien. “You, my servant, are the embodiment of pure evil. When you and I are joined, no one will be able to conquer us.”

Damien stared uneasily at the ghostlike figure of Salazar Slytherin. What exactly did he mean by joined? Were they to be some sort of partners in crime, or did he intend to live as a parasite off his body as Voldemort had done with Professor Quirrell? (If Damien is pure evil, why did he show compassion to the kids?)

Slytherin: Although my heir can live, you three girls are the "Health, sight, and spirit bright" that's going to kill me someday, so I'll have to get rid of you. *goes into Damien's body* Get rid of the girls, but leave the boys here for their parents to find.

The adults: We're getting closer!

Emily: We're so dead.

Caitlin: We must hope!

“My lovely Caitlin,” Hooch said nastily. “I imagine you expect me to torture you unmercifully. Admittedly, it would give me great pleasure to turn you into a human shish kebab, but it will give me even more pleasure to know that you have died at the hands of your rescuers.”

“Do you see that crossbow?” Hooch asked sadistically. “It is aimed directly for your heart and the arrow it holds has been soaked in a deadly poison. Can you imagine Hermione’s grief when the opening of the dungeon door sets it off? I can only hope that she will be the one to actually open the door.”

“But that is only the beginning,” Hooch cackled. “In your hand you will be holding the rope that will suspend Jamie Zacherley above the Pyramid of Death. When the arrow pierces your heart, your hand will go limp and Miss Zacherley will become four nicely separated pieces.”

“What about me?” Emily inquired, not actually knowing what possessed her to ask such a question.

“You, my dear, are what they refer to as a warm up act,” Hooch laughed. “That is why I haven’t secured your sister in her harness yet, nor suspended her above the pyramid. I want both her and Caitlin to have a good view as I first mutilate and then kill you. Their deaths will come so fast that they won’t get to suffer. Through you they can experience how brutal and horrible death can be.”

“I was hoping you didn’t intend to leave me out of all the fun,” Emily said bravely. Her words sounded plucky, but Emily was scared to death.

The adults: We're getting closer!

Jamie: *turns into a unicorn and gores Hooch*

Hermione: *Apparates into the dungeon*

(Laters)

Hermione: Oh, Harry, I'm so worried that you'll hate me for this but ... when I was held prisoner in that dungeon, I had sex with Damien. Do you want to hear me talk about it?

Harry: Sure.

Hermione: *recounts how she tricked Damien*

Harry: Yeah, that doesn't exactly make me hate you.

Caitlin: Emily, are you cold? You're wearing a sweater and normally you hate clothes.

Emily: When Madam Pomfrey was shrinking my breasts, I sort of stoppd her a little early, and I don't want anyone to notice yet.

Caitlin: Emily, we're nudists. Just go tell them.

Emily: Okay, but you have to come with me.

Caitlin: Emily, you moron, we just walked in on our parents having sex!

“That stuff that came out of Dad’s penis. Is that what makes a person pregnant?” Emily asked.

“Yes, it contains the sperm that can make you pregnant,” Hermione confirmed.

“What if you got it in your mouth and swallowed it?” Caitlin asked. “Would that make you pregnant?”

“No,” Hermione said with a chuckle. “It must enter the vagina in order for you to get pregnant.”

“Why are you laughing?” Emily scolded.

“I’m not laughing at you guys,” Hermione apologized. “I’m picturing Ron trying to answer similar question in class. His face will be redder than his hair.”

Emily: *shows her breasts*

Hermione: Yeah, that's okay with me!

Harry: Look at this article in the Daily Prophet! They're screwed up every single detail of the story - Wrong's not a hero! *calls up Percy*

Percy: *is an even bigger asshole than in GoF*

Snape: *announces the truth to everyone at dinner* And the Tournament with start when the team from the Salem Witches Institute gets here. "Tuck in."

Chapter 10
Kim: *sleeps naked*

Emily: I wish we could be naked all the time!

They: *hug*

Denise: Get a room, lezzies!

Janice: Must we watch you "fornicate"?

Kim: It wouldn't matter if we were gay!

Denise: Yeah, you'd still suck.

Kim and Emily: *pretend to be in love with each other*

Marta: You guys, Becky and I have been having sex since we were ten.

Denise: You two, in your knicker and bras-less states, are sluts.

Emily: *moons*

Becky & Marta and Emily & Kim: *walk into the Great Hall holding hands*

Harry: WTF?!

Hermione: Huh, I did notice sexual magnetism between Becky and Marta last year.

Harry: I don't care about them, they aren't my daughter!

Snape: Oh, I got a Howler.

Percy's voice: FUCK YOU, SNAPE! FUCK YOU! I TOLD THAT STORY TO THE PRESS FOR A GOOD REASON AND YOU HAD TO FUCK IT ALL UP! DIE IN A FIRE!

Ginny: Sex Ed time! I am the best one to teach you about this, because I'm a whore. Any questions?

Emily: Sure! I've seen that some guys have really big things. What happens if you fall in love with a guy and he's too big to fit inside your twat?

Ginny: We will use proper language in this class, you whore. Men have penises. Women have vaginas. Anyway, vaginas can stretch quite a lot, even up to twelve inches deep. Any more questions?

Denise: Since our textbook is so old, I think we should use the living models in the classroom - Emily and Kim.

“That’s a ridiculous idea,” Tyler said without taking time to raise his hand and be recognized. “Even if one of the girls were actually foolish enough to be willing to do it, I’m sure the Board of Governors would never approve. Then, there are their parents and our parents to consider; I seriously doubt many of them would consent. Plus, it would be sexist to only have a female model.”

“You could volunteer,” Janice suggested. “I know personally that I‘d be willing to study late into the night if you were the model.”

“Okay! Okay! That’s enough!” Ginny shouted. “Denise, you’ll be spending tomorrow evening with me in detention. I don’t appreciate my class being disrupted. I’m not an idiot, young lady. I know that suggestion was only made to embarrass Emily and Kim. Class dismissed,” Ginny proclaimed.

Emily: Actually, I think this sounds like a great idea.

Draco: I'd like to have a kid, Ginny. Let's get married.

Ginny: Yesss!

Caitlin: Matt, what's wrong?

Matt: *cries* WHen we were going up the ladder to Divination, I saw up your skirt and it made me want to sex you.

Caitlin: It's too bad "we’re only thirteen. The consequences of us having sex are just too dreadful to imagine."

Matt: I want you to start wearing trousers, so other boys won't see up your skirt. And maybe a bra.

Caitlin: I can't believe how possessive and socionormative you're being. I'll give you my answer after dinner.

Slytherin: We need some Death Eaters to recruit for our cause.

Crabbe: Yeah, but they're all dead.

Slytherin: Let's try for their kids, then.

Jamie: Caitlin, what are you doing?

Caitlin: I'm giving Matt my answer!

Jamie: Not until I know the question.

HOE sux

2007-10-28T16:01:48Z

Chapter 7
Where last we left off, "three extremely unwelcome guests had just Apparated into the room."

Hooch: *tortures them all*

Caitlin: *sweats blood*

Crabbe and Goyle: I think we should take care of the girls more nicely, Hooch.

Hooch: “How dare you impudent, good-for-nothing, ne'er-do-wells have the cheek to tell me what I shall or shall not do?”

C&G: Sorry, mistress!

Hooch: Even though we only need Caitlin, Timmy, Ben, and Emily, we're going to bring back Jamie so that she can figure out how to breastfeed him in the next chapter, as Ben hates formula. And no clothes - you can be naked for the rest of your lives.

Timmy: Hooray! How kind!

C&G: *ogle the girls lecherously*

They all take a Portkey.

Timmy: Wheee! Let's do it again! "Me loves Portkeys!" *Timmy is a dumbass*

Hermione: I'm slightly worried about Caitlin.

Snape: The girls are missing. How annoying. Anyway, they'll have to be kept alive until the new moon, for the ceremony.

Sam picked up Timmy’s colouring book and after studying it a moment commented. “We can stop assuming some things,” she said. “The Great One definitely has the children and we should stop referring to her as a he.”

Everyone looked at Sam questioningly as she passed the colouring book first to Hermione and then it started making the rounds of everyone present. On the open page of the book, someone had hastily drawn a stick figure. Apparently the drawing was of a woman because a triangle representing a dress was drawn over the tops of the legs. ‘G1’ was scrawled under the drawing.

“It’s not a lot of information,” Draco declared, “but it’s more than the Ministry has been able to ascertain in the last two years.”

Hermione: *remembers adopting Caitlin* *remembers giving birth* *remembers nearly losing Jamie* *remembers Ron naked in the pool*

The captors: Even though we really, really need you alive, we still treat you like shit. Catch pneumonia, starve, whatever.

Damien: *comes in* It's okay, Timmy can play with my torture devices if he likes. Oooooh, Jamie, you look just like Hermione. Hawt. *molests her* You aren't like Hermione! She would have spat at me! *gives a tour of the dungeon, in which the author displays his love of torture once more*

Emily: Fuck you!

Damien: *send her flying*

Jamie: No!

Damien: “You keep out of this, bitch, and tend to that infant or you’ll be the first person to test my Pyramid of Death.” *leaves*

Jamie: Oh dear, snuff.

Chapter 8

Jamie: Ben's hungry! Get us some breast milk or he'll die!

Hooch: If he dies, you die!

Jamie: What good are my massive breasts if they don't give milk?

Emily: *does not understand how cows work*

Jamie: Caitlin, could you fix up my breasts so they'll give milk?

Emily: You'd better do it to me, too.

Caitlin: We don't have time to indulge your lactation fantasies, Emily!

Emily: I don't know if you've noticed, but Timmy and Caitlin aren't eating, either. They'll have to be breastfed.

Caitlin: *massages*

Jamie: Oh shit, this is making my boobs even bigger. *feeds Ben*

Emily: Do me do me do me!

Jamie: We'll test him on me, first.

(Later)

Hooch: WTF Emily's breasts! They're enormous!

Crabbe: *is only interested in Caitlin*

Great One: These children are more loyal to each other than you are to me! Crucio!

Caitlin: Isn't that Minister Wrong?

Wrong: Give them good food and bedding and things.

Emily: This sucks, now I have monstrous boobs for no reason and I can't get rid of them until we get back.

Snape: It sucks that the Girl Nudists are gone, but we're having an International Wizard Survival Tournament with America.

Damien: *takes blood from "the innocents" for the ceremony in an oddly kind way*

Wrong: Arise, Salazar Slytherin!!!!!

Slytherin: IT IS I, SALAZAR SLYTHERIN!

This sucks

2007-10-28T14:54:24Z

Amazingly horrid or stupid things about Anise's D/G fic:
- Bellatrix naturally reverts back to her maiden name after her husband's killed
- There are bed elves
- And Goyle routinely kills them ... in bed
- Ginny taunts Draco into trying to rape her, and when he can't she goes catatonic
- The Death Eaters have massive amounts of prisoners on a train
- And Anise explains at the beginning of a chapter that this is because it's mobile - it's not as though they could use Portkeys to get the prisoners to a central location!
- Draco keeps trying to make himself think evil things, but fails out of repressed love for Ginny and not his innate loserness
- Draco routinely speaks with sophistication and rhetoric
- There are actual "rape squads", because the DEs don't have anything better to do
- And Draco is offended that Ginny doesn't trust him not to rape her just because he said he wouldn't
- Draco has these weird violent urges to rape Ginny
- She promises to show him her breasts and she likes it
- Draco has had sexytimes with his aunt D:
- Draco lets Ginny visit Ron, and he's angry that she's being kept by Ginny and is going to hurt her because she asks about Bellatrix having sex with him (Ron), and not glad she's safe or angry at Draco for keeping her
- Ron still comes off better than Draco, esp. after Draco starts torturing Hermione
- Draco is a satisfying and gentle lover

THIS IS SO NOT ROMANTIC OR ANYTHING OTHER THAN RAPEY. It could be sort of hot, in a faux BDSM way, but because I know Draco and Ginny are going to be in love and this is all from Draco's perspective - either make it about how the Dark Arts have corrupted him and made him a creepy little sociopath or have it from Ginny's PoV and leave us in doubt of all of his creepy thoughts so we can imagine it to be romantic.

And yet it's still not bad enough to be entertaining. :(

ETA: I skipped ahead to Draco's trial, and it finally got amusing - Hermione defends him and he jumps up and calls her a Mudblood bitch in the middle of court and then the chains wrap around him again and one hits his "razor sharp canine" (a Malfoy trait) and causes sparks.

WHAT WHAT is especially appropriate

2007-10-24T23:14:01Z

It was the sweetest taste the boy had every encountered. It was like tea with boatloads of sugar, or strawberries dipped in whipped cream. If there was a heaven, it could not be better than kissing Ginny’s butt.

And yes, that is literally kissing her butt.

“You sound so indifferent when you say that. But, well, it involves farting, defecating, and urinating, and I really don’t know if we’ve gone far enough in our relationship for that.”

“Ginny, I am your slave. Otherwise I would not be in this position right now. Do with me as you will.”

“If you say so. I guess I’ll try urinating first.” She leaned back a little, and then released the liquid she had formerly been holding in. It came down like a torrent into Draco’s mouth, hot, wet, and delicious like honey. Two minutes later, she had completed that part. Then she moved forward to her previous position, and farted.

Ginny had used to pride herself on being neat and had only farted once or twice before in her entire life, but over Christmas break she had eaten the right foods to prepare for this event. It was very satisfying to pass gas into the mouth of a loved one, especially a boy as handsome as Draco.

For his part, Malfoy was rather enjoying the fart, because he could not believe that a beautiful girl would condescend to do that to him. Ginny did it again, and again, and yet again. He felt like he was in perfect bliss; nothing could be better than this, kissing the butt of the girl one loves.

Too soon, it seemed, Ginny got off. “I won’t defecate on you today. The magazine I read said that it is unwise to do that unless you can urinate afterwards, because it leaves the boy’s throat dry. So, till next time, sweetums!”

...

“For a blood traitor, she’s not so bad,” Malfoy said, licking his lips. He had noticed that he suffered from fart paralysis for a few minutes after she got off, in which he was unable to move a muscle. Yet, he could not wait for a second engagement under Ginny’s wonderful butt.

a bit of a tantrum

2007-10-22T16:31:40Z

from here.

Almost all the girls I have read about annoy the hell out of me (think Dane (or whatever her stupid name was) in Tamora Pierce's books). And the ones I do like are never girly girls. Pink is my least favourite colour and I have a lot of female friends who only ever wear trousers. They all play computer games and read sci-fi and are tough, proud people. Funnily enough a lot of my favourite authors are women- Catherine Jinks, Diana Wynne Jones, Ursula Le Guin, Susan Cooper (mention the movie and I kill you *burns the movie*) but the manga I read is shounen (boy's) manga like Full Metal Alchemist, Bleach and Naruto.

It is people like you who make it so every single heroine of a YA novel has to hate dresses and any sort of indoor activity, be plain-but-attractive, and just be tomboys in general, and the antagonist (or rival, even if she's not actively rivalling, you know, right?) is pretty and generally good at walking in heels and has breasts. You are making me lose faith in my hope that my generation will be able to move beyond "tomboys are the only good girls" to "any kind of girl can be good, and I'm not just going to write about ones who like to play baseball and soccer because my mother used to tell me to stop climbing trees and put on a dress".

ETA: Daine was hella hardcore, she lived with wolves! And most of Tamora Pierce's heroines are what she's saying she likes, wtf.

ETA2: Also, this is from a fandom community where I'm pretty sure it's mostly slash.

New icon!

2007-10-20T18:54:06Z

I find it really funny that all of the uber-conservatives are complaining because she made the bestest wizard ever gay (thus encouraging children to be gay), and all of the slashfen/disgrunted former-HP-fen are complaining because she made the evil manipulative "nazi" gay (thus implying that bad people are gay).

And a blast from the past:
It's a proven fact that a single anal sex experience causes one to be homosexual. The hormones released by a sexual situation involving the anus being broached, are the same hormones found in large quantities in effeminate homosexual males. For example, when I was much younger I knew a young man who was for all intents and purposes, heterosexual. He was mugged, and involved in a rape situation involving a tent peg. This one event was enough to have him start on a road that eventually led to him becoming effeminate and gay.

I'm eating too much cookie dough

2007-10-20T02:23:57Z

I refuse to believe that a heavily matrilineal society would refer to women as "so-and-so's woman" when talking about generational history or put such emphasis on father/children things. And on the same tack, I refuse to believe that people wouldn't know that sex --> babies and would instead come up with some weird mythology involving spirits mixing apart from sex and women dying in childbirth because they were alone with a man before their womanhood ceremony.

Also, I didn't like Jondalar until he thought he'd raped Ayla and started hating himself. I love characters who go really hard on themselves for some reason. This plot about him and Ayla having relationship issues because of their cultural differences is getting ridiculous, though. It's creepy that Ayla can't tell Ranec that she doesn't really want him, and I would think someone of such great genius as Ayla would be able to have internalized the cultural difference that she has to talk to Jondalar to make him understand her instead of expecting him to completely get her uncomplicated, unsocialized soul.

The Zuko/Mai is getting a little old. It was funny at first (roffles, they hate everything!) but now it's mostly boring. Possibly because Zuko is so hilariously emotacular and Mai isn't really, she's just ... Mai.

I came in late, was there a reason they couldn't say they were royalty?

I have a suspicion that they were poking fun at high school AUs. Or just high school movies/shows.

Good, funny episode all around. I love character episodes.

More Heroes stuff

2007-10-18T18:18:24Z

I don't know, maybe everyone's seen this, but Heroes as HP characters. I don't know which makes me giggle more, Matt as Neville or Claude as Remus.