| Simply thinking out loud
||[Apr. 13th, 2009|03:18 am]
[Locked to Est Members]|
For years I've waited for a certain something to happen, a someone to come into my life that could give me what I've looked for. Recently, I believe I've actually stumbled upon that person - and the nervous excitement abounds.
Do I trust him? Oddly enough, yes I do. I'd never even remotely consider what I am if I didn't. It doesn't stop the nerves, however. It's not nerves over what I hope is to come - but yet it is. I'm not afraid, but change in itself is a scary thing. It's not something that either of us are entering into blindly and I believe that communication is the only way to make things work and so far, he's been completely honest with me and I with him. I've been ready for this for a long time, but there is a certain apprehensiveness when you suddenly realize that you have the possibility to gain exactly what you desire.
A sort of surreal happiness seems the closet I can describe it as.
I suppose my question is this: For those of you who have found it, how did you feel when you realized you had, or were getting, exactly what you'd always needed?
Prior to being with Nick, I was in a relationship that ended badly. Not going into it, but short version, I ended up with a couple of kink-related fears, stuff I'd been into before but couldn't do after that.
As you do, there was a morning me and Nick were sat in bed talking about kinks, what we liked or didn't and all that. And it hit me that it wasn't just something I wanted, or just something I wanted with him, but that I could. When it came down to it, I could trust him to look after me while I worked shite out, and it'd come out all right.
I think that's more "how/when" than just plain "how", but it's a bit more detailed than "stunned fucking sideways", which was how I felt. It hit me like a tonne of bricks, really.
Stunned fucking sideways
I like that term a lot. It's very much a trust thing, like you said. I had a friend once tell me that what I wanted was easy to find - yes, it is if I wanted only one night of it - but even then with some things, the trust has to be there or it isn't the same. And I don't mean the trust that they won't go too far, because most in the scene world adhere to that, I mean the fact that they will be there in two days to still help tend the wounds.
*Nods* Exactly. It wasn't trust in terms of "He'll stop when I safeword", though obviously that was there. But as you said, the idea of him still being there later, long-term.
At that point I was still a bit nervy about it, I have to admit, we'd not talked about where we were. But I knew where I wanted to be, if that makes sense?
It makes perfect sense, and 'knowing' is as much calming as it is exciting.
I haven't found "the one" yet, so I'm not sure I'm the right audience for that question. But just commenting to say I'm happy that you seem to have found what you need!
Thank you. I think, for me at least, having that "safe" that's a constant (how I like to play - want to play - can be risky) it will let me relax and let go knowing that I'm looked out for by someone who enjoys the wilder things.
By 'the one' I can't say I mean love, because it's definitely not at that level, not yet, but I trust him to let me have what I need.
Trust is a very special thing, I know.
And can I just say that I'm so glad I've found somebody who I can see to be a healthy individual who will allow me to be as twisted as I want, yet still have the guts to speak up if something (God forbid) ever did go wrong or if I was wrong about something?
That's pretty special too.
I'm so much in that place of surreal happiness--what was it, stunned sideways? That half the time I'm not even sure if my head's on right at the moment. I expect the shock will go down eventually.
A promise to tell of mistakes in a rational and calm way is a necessity on both parts, and it's the only way to make certain things work. As mouthy as I can get, I'm sure that will both be good and bad for me. hehe
Twisted is a very good way to put it.
I think, until it finally all falls into place, I'll keep thinking it's going to be yanked away from me.
How did I feel? Ecstatic. Terrified. Terrifyingly ecstatic. Something that huge... it couldn't not make an impact, even at the very start.
What was interesting for me I think is that -- when I realized I was getting exactly what I needed, I had to come to terms with the realization that what I needed wasn't exactly what I'd always thought I needed. Does that make sense? I was looking for one thing. Something entirely different stepped into my path and I had to reevaluate, because it wasn't what I'd expected. But it's perfect.