est_matlin

I frequently come out of hard scenes feeling--empowered, I guess--like I can take on anything. :-)

Wow. OK, I thought that was totally new to me, but... it's not. It explains a lot.

When I first joined the club I mostly played with House doms if I wanted to sub to a man. Because honestly? My head wasn't anywhere where I could just hook up with some guy and do whatever and be cool with that. It just wasn't. House was different because it was more obvious that I laid down the rules.

But I went straight for heavy stuff. Which I hadn't really done before, not to that level. Stuff with more than one guy, serious bondage, proper beatings, that kind of thing. And I think some of it was me proving to me that I Could, but... yeah, I think some of that is about being strong. Maybe about being as strong as I felt I needed to be, you know?

OK, and now backwards to the start of your post... that's actually some of why I went House, again, because I didn't trust that some guy who wanted to hurt me wanted it because it was sexy and fun, and not because he was that kind of a bastard. I'm over that but it has come up. The whole punishment thing is bullshit, no-one gets to punish me, and I don't want to play with anyone who thinks they do.

(I noticed so far the comments seem to be women-who-sub, so my apologies if that was the point of the post. You gave me food for thought.)

Coming from the opposite point of view - yes, I see the people who kneel for me as being strong. Aside from anything else, they're doing something that I couldn't manage.

Beyond that I think it takes strength to put yourself in someone else's hands to that extent - to be willing to accept that level of vulnerablity. And not just vulnerability in the sense of risk, but in where headspace can take you.

Punishment isn't something I particularly deal with, I prefer correction where necessary. "Icky" is a good way of putting the idea Deen is describing there. I have no issues with slapping someone if they've invited it (Or I should say, no issues now, that one took a while) but there's a world of difference between punishment and something intended to be enjoyed.

I think I've mentioned before, when there was a discussion about humiliation and I was talking about having a history of slut-shaming, that I essentially came into my strength as a sexual being via training as a submissive. I'd been sexually active for years at that point, and an Est member for a couple of those. I didn't really scene a lot then, or at least, not well; I'd tried it both ways and despite being naturally bossy *g*, I didn't really have the knowledge or confidence to successfully run a scene as a domme (I was still pretty shy then), and I was too resistant and rebellious to really go down for someone as a sub.

And then I met Steve. *g*

I think that learning from someone who respected my submission and respected me as a person is a huge part of what allowed me to access that same respect from myself, to myself, and come to a point where being a 'girl like that' does make me strong - owning that about myself makes me strong. It's like a lot of other personal characteristics in that learning to understand, accept, and like that aspect of yourself can be so empowering.

Another thing that springs to mind when I talk about my training being empowering is the topic of trust. In order to submit effectively, I need to be able to trust the dominant - and myself, to some extent. One of the things we focused on in early days of training was negotiation skills and limit-setting, so that I didn't get taken anywhere I didn't want to or wasn't ready to go. This is seriously one of the best skills ever (I use it in career settings too!). Having firm limits and discussing ahead of time how the scene will play out so as to not hit those provides that initial foundation of trust for me. Once I've been playing with a dominant for a while and we know each other better and that, I don't necessarily need to have everything laid out upfront like that anymore, because that person has earned a greater measure of trust from me.

The other thing I wanted to touch on, especially with the kinky blog post excerpt, is that 'strong' is not the same thing as 'capable of taking lots of pain'. You can "go deeper" into submission without having someone beat you. I think the act of kneeling for someone - genuinely, properly kneeling, making an offer of one's self - involves a lot more strength than standing there whilst someone smacks you with something. For me, the latter is about sadomasochism, about pain - I get off on it, and so does the dominant, and it can certainly enhance my submission, but it isn't my submission, in and of itself.

I think I wandered off topic there some, lol. Apparently I have Things to Say today!