Dear Sir,
So, I have a lot of stuff kind of jumbling around in my head lately and I wanted to get some of it out on paper so it's not keeping me up at night. I made a couple of lists, and I wanted to show them to you.
The first list is things that people I trust (mostly you, John, Jesse, Gabriel, Marlee) believe/have told me. The second list is things that I believe, probably wrongly. I guess the challenge is bridging that gap. I understand that some of my beliefs are wrong intellectually, but I can't just change that. It's frustrating, but... lists are calming. So have some lists:
Things People I Trust Have Told Me
- Jason was abusive
- There are objective lines that a dominant can cross, even if the boy doesn't object
- It's not my fault that I was punished a lot
- Boys only deserve to be punished if they made an intentional mistake
- It doesn't matter that my friends don't know all the details, because it's clear that I was abused
- It's okay that I didn't get out right away or know that I was being abused at the time
- It's still important to recognize that I was being abused after the fact
- It doesn't matter that I asked for things or liked some things in that relationship
- You only have to mind manners around a Sir if they've earned your trust
- You don't have to trust every dominant just because they're a dominant
- It's a good idea to tell Sirs if you don't like something, even if it's not a safeword
- I'm still a good boy, even though I'm older and not the same boy I used to be
- Sir wants to be with me for a long time and won't leave if I mess up
Things I Believe (Now)
- Jason crossed lines, but it wasn't necessarily his fault because he didn't know better
- I made things worse by not saying no, and he might hurt more boys because of it
- I made a lot of mistakes, and probably deserved some of those punishments
- If my friends knew all the details, they would probably feel differently
- I should've left the relationship and I didn't
- Even if I was abused, it's kind of irrelevant now (starting to change mind on this one)
- If Sir knew some of the things I asked Jason for, he'd be disgusted
- You have to mind manners around a Sir because those are the rules of our culture
- You should trust a dominant unless they do something awful, like ignore safewords
- You should only tell a Sir when something's really really wrong (starting to change on this one)
- I'm an okay boy, but I was a lot better when I'm younger and I'm still afraid of my decreasing relationship life expectancy
- Sir believes that he wants to be with me for a long time, but if he sees my faults he might not feel the same way, or he might just get tired of me later (and he has every right)
It was hard to write some of those things down, because I know I look silly and pathetic and it's just going to make you say "no, no, that's not true!" but I can't help it. I love you, and I want to get better. I just don't know how quickly I can.
Your boy,
Jon |
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