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October 15th, 2011
![[info]](http://www.journalfen.net/img/userinfo.gif) est_ramamurthy | 07:12 pm - Daniel and Sendhil Talk About What's Next
[players not pups, takes place early September]
"If you keep doing that," Sendhil mumbles as Daniel's hands card through his hair, "I'm going to fall asleep." Not that he's complaining, really. These quiet moments half in headspace with his head in Daniel's lap on the sofa are very much something to treasure.
"Is that a problem? You're working hard," Daniel loves that Sendhil doesn't film every single day, benefits of a supporting role in an ensemble, but the days he films are long, tiring affairs. A little quiet cuddling on the sofa after dinner is the sort of thing he feels is entirely in order, and if one or both of them happens to fall asleep in the process, well, they make it to bed eventually. "Besides, you're comfy when you sleep."
"Mmm. Am I?" Sendhil opens his eyes and smiles up at Daniel. "My head's kind of made of bones. A bone. Something like that."
"Your perfectly formed skull wasn't really what I was thinking about," Daniel chuckles, tracing Sendhil's cheekbone. "I just meant being close and cozied up."
"I do like that," Sendhil grins, nuzzling against Daniel's hand. "I've been spoiled lately."
"Care," Daniel protests, "isn't spoiling. It's my prerogative when you're wearing my collar, too." Which reminds him. "We should so that soon. Very soon. We agreed and then never actually got the collar for you. Lax of me. I'm sorry."
"That's fine, Sir," Sendhil smiles, "as long as it's coming. I'm happy to wait for you to find one you like. I want it to mean something when you see it on me."
"I want you to choose too. You'll be wearing it, quite regularly I hope." Daniel's thought about this. "It has to be right for us both."
"I know," Sendhil agrees. "But I want you to pick it. And if I don't like your first choice, we'll pick another, okay?"
"Well then it's done, I've picked four I really like. One should suit you, I hope. You're off day after tomorrow?"
"Yeah," Sendhil nods. "Are we going to go look?"
"Sure, we can make a day of it. Buy a collar, put it on you, see what happens next?" Daniel isn't entirely sure, he's heard that some people do elaborate ceremonies, sometimes inviting dozens of spectators, like a wedding. But that's not them. And anyone he'd even begin to imagine sharing a moment like this with is in the UK anyway.
Sendhil laughs. "Sure. That sounds good. Is anything going to change, do you think?"
"I don't know, I think maybe some things can, and it'd still be us," Daniel skirts a hand down over Sendhil's chest, rubbing slow circles. "I don't want the fundamentals of who we are to shift too much, do you?"
"No," Sendhil agrees. "But I've always felt submissive to you. So that just is, I think. I guess I'm curious if you have any expectations, anything you want in a boy that you're not getting from me yet."
"Mm, like rules, you mean? Or standing orders?" Daniel's not thought too much about that. "Things I always want or something?"
"Right," Sendhil agrees. "Things you want from me. You've been giving me so much of what I need, just having these evenings like this," he admits, reaching up and stroking Daniel's chest in little circles.
The tenderness breaks something fragile in Daniel's chest and he makes a sound, half sigh, half whimper. "This isn't just for you," he whispers.
"Hey," Sendhil murmurs, reaching up higher and tracing his thumb over Daniel's lips. "I know. I've seen the way you look at me, Sir."
"I just don't want you to think I don't have my hand in," Daniel takes Sendhil's hand, kissing his thumb, his fingertips. "I know I don't talk about what I need, what I want enough. I don't make things clear."
"You make things clear in some areas," Sendhil argues. "I'm clear that you love me and I'm clear that you get something out of my submission. And I'm clear that you're figuring things out about yourself as you go along sometimes," he smiles. "And I'm honored to be a part of that."
So maybe he's not so opaque. "I've felt like I'm too tentative for you. Too lost in my own head."
"Too tentative for me or more tentative than you'd like to be? To me you feel... measured, maybe, in scenes, but not at all like you're holding back. You're patient, that's a good thing," Sendhil suggests, his hand moving slower to stroke Daniel's stomach.
"I don't make measures like that for myself," Daniel shakes his head, staving off the idea, but also the low smolder of arousal from Sendhil's easy touch. "I just keep waiting to wake up and find that you've grown tired of my not knowing things it feels like I should know, I suppose. Self-doubt."
"What kinds of things do you mean?" Sendhil asks, a genuinely confused frown on his face. "You're experienced with kink. You're good at it. You're intuitive about my needs. I don't see anything missing there. If you're going through self-discovery, then I'm here to support you through that. You don't have to have all the answers right now."
"I don't know, that's what I mean," Daniel shrugs. "Maybe it's just imposter syndrome. maybe I just feel like I'm more lucky than I deserve to be."
"Do I need to remind you how awesome you are on a regular basis, then?" Sendhil teases.
"Never believe your reviews, your performance is only as good as you feel about it," Daniel intones, seriously, a dogma that's the only way he can do what he does. "And now I'm blathering on about my neuroses, I guess. How do you put up with me?"
"I don't put up with you, I adore you," Sendhil points out. "And I'm going to keep telling you that whether or not you believe the reviews. Don't be so hard on yourself, Sir," he suggests, nuzzling Daniel's wrist.
"Come here," Daniel opens his arms, beckoning Sendhil to sit up, let himself be held, "please. I... I'm hard on myself because I don't know how to be sure I'm not making mistakes. And yet it seems to be a mistake in itself. I'm not sure how to stop, but maybe you could help. You do help," he corrects, "you've brought me out of the place where I'd hid myself away. You've made me trust. You've made me love. You've made me happy, though I guess it doesn't sound that way right now, does it? I'm sorry I got all maudlin."
"It's okay," Sendhi smiles, pressing his lips to Daniel's. "Rome wasn't built in a day. You're doing well."
"Am I? That feels like the sort of reassurance I'm meant to be giving you," Daniel brushes his lips against Sendhil's jaw, holding him closer. "I'm thinking maybe we should move to areas where we're on a more even footing?"
"Like what?" Sendhil asks, his arms slipping easily around Daniel's waist.
"Back to my hopes for you, as my collared boy, for one," Daniel suggests. "I have a feeling that you have some ideas in that department, don't you?"
Sendhil smiles. "Well, what we've been doing here, in Toronto, is a lot of it. You know I need quiet times in headspace, and after scenes. I think we're back to your expectations now."
"Times like tonight, just quiet, coming down from work," Daniel rubs Sendhil's back. "When I'm working I'll need a lot of this. The pace..." Daniel quirks an eyebrow. "I'm just assuming that you'll be with me part of the time. I hope you can be. I won't be starting until after you're done here."
"As much as possible," Sendhil promises. "I'll be with you whenever I can, maybe do some of the stuff you've been doing for me here. Having food ready... maybe not food I cooked," he laughs. "I might have to work at some point, if anything comes up, but we'll figure it out. Do you know where you'll be filming?"
"The only sure locations for now are London, the studio stuff, and India," Daniel tries to recall the full list of possibles. "Lots of Europe in this one, though, it seems. But we'll be in India for a while. Delhi."
Sendhil nods. "You'll have to keep me away from certain publicists if I set foot in India," he laughs. "I got trouble for not doing enough promo because I was filming here. I did a little in Mumbai but I never went to Delhi."
"We will ensure that you're not beset upon by the fifth estate," Daniel lumps publicists, spokespeople and media all together. "If you want to come along. If you want to skip it, I'd understand. It might not be the most luxurious time."
"I don't need luxury. If you need me there, then I'm there. I just may spend a lot of time in the hotel," Sendhil laughs. "It's a lot easier to convince people that you really do not speak the language when you're blonde," he teases, ruffling Daniel's hair.
"You don't speak... well there's what, 200 languages in India or something?"
"Ish," Sendhil laughs. "I don't know any Hindi at all. I know enough Kannada to sort of get by, but that's the other end of the country. Where my dad's from," he explains. "Both my parents are from the Southern part, and they both speak Kannada and Hindi and Tamil but I... don't," he smiles sheepishly. "My Spanish is better than my Kannada."
"We'll be in Spain!" Daniel laughs. "We're getting off topic, though, aren't we?"
"Only a little," Sendhil smiles.
"So, rules and expectations, yeah?" Daniel tries to think of any. "This is where, if I were some people I know, or know of, I'd say that you have to always be prepped and when you're home you're naked, and I expect a blowjob every morning, right?"
Sendhil snorts. "But that's not you, obviously," he points out, lightly scratching at Daniel's chest through his shirt. "It's good to know things, though, like..." Sendhil thinks a moment, remembering his relationship with Olga though he doesn't think it's a good idea to mention her specifically. "Well, okay, like household stuff. Do you want to split the chores evenly or is there something that you can't stand and are definitely going to relegate to me because you can?" he jokes.
"Very much not me, I prefer more spontaneity to our sexual doings, anyway," Daniel nods. "Household chores? I don't really think about that. I pay some nice ladies to come clean my house once a week, you know, dusting and hoovering and scrubbing bathrooms and things. Were you thinking of something specific?"
Sendhil shakes his head. "No, that's just the kind of expectation it's good to know about. What about the collar, once I have it? Should other people not touch it? Can I take it off and put it on myself or is that only for you?"
"Mmm, I think it'd be good if others didn't touch it, but I imagine if anyone were touching you that intimately when you're wearing it, I'd know, or be there," Daniel thinks, then has a realization. "Do you want something you can wear all the time except at work?"
"Depending on the collar, I could wear it a lot of the time," Sendhil suggests. "Most people don't really get that a collar's not just jewellery."
"Makes me rethink what sort to get you, though," Daniel traces Sendhil's throat, easy fingertips over his Adam's apple. "Maybe platinum, something thinnish, discreet, but still a collar."
"That sounds good," Sendhil smiles. "You're right, discreet means I can wear it more. Though I still want kinky people to know what means."
Daniel nods, fingers sliding back along the line where the collar will sit. "Maybe two, one for every day, one for more formal times? I don't know, I'm just throwing out ideas. I don't know what'll be comfortable for you. That's what's important to me."
"I think just one. I like the ritual of it, the symbolism," Sendhil explains. "But thin is good, either leather or metal."
"We'll go look, then," Daniel nods, pulling Sendhil closer. "I love you. I'm... thankful for this."
"I'm just as thankful," Sendhil reminds him gently, pressing close. "I'm glad we're doing this together."
"Sometimes I marvel that we're here, that we're doing this." Daniel murmurs against Sendhil's lips. "I love you so."
"We're just people," Sendhil smiles, kissing him tenderly. "Falling in love. Seems natural to me. Seems like something you deserve," he adds, thumb rubbing at Daniel's waist under his shirt.
"I'm trying to, at least," Daniel pulls his shirt off, encouraging more touching. "You do. More every day."
"We'll learn all these things over time, Sir," Sendhil says, tracing gently circles on Daniel's chest. "We have the basics. One of the things I learned, being in a kinky marriage, is that things adjust. Maybe not always for the better, in that case, but I believe in us. We're very well matched. We're going to learn what works for each other, day to day."
"And we've been doing that, haven't we?" Daniel holds on tightly. "My wise, wise Sendhil. You're an old soul, aren't you, to be so calm and rationed all the time."
Sendhil smiles and shrugs. "I've been told that, once or twice. I have my moments, though," he admits, kissing Daniel's jaw. "I'm sure you'll see, eventually."
"We'll deal with it together, just like we've dealt with everything," Daniel promises. "With wisdom and love and all those good things."
"There you go, sir," Sendhil smiles, another kiss to his mouth. "That's the spirit."
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