Get out the lube baby, you'll be wankin' 'til sunrise!
NaNoWriMo
Now you too can be a writer!

Wheeeee!

by Alma A. Hromic

Alma Who?

Once upon a time there was a little girl who loved words.

But didn't really understand how they fit together to form something called "humour".

She read a great deal. She read some more. From the first cherished book on her bookshelves to date, she has owned, borrowed, read, reviewed, gloried in and panned thousands of books, in three different languages.

Is her name Anne Rice, by any chance?

In time, she has written and published five books of her own, and continues to produce book-length material; in between, she has had her byline on scores of thousands of words in the form of shorter pieces, fiction and non-fiction.

Sounds like Anne Rice to me. Sure Alma A. Hromic isn't an Anne Rice sockpuppet? I really must research this...then again, why give this git more credence than she already thinks she has.

Again, Alma Who?

She has had hundreds of words rejected by editors with everything ranging from "Go away and never darken our doorway again" (albeit put a little more politely) to "This was so almost right that it breaks my heart to reject it."

Including "My cat ran across the room specifically to puke up a hairball on your manuscript. If that's not an indication your stuff is crap, I don't know what is. REJECT!" (Albeit more to the point.)

These are a writer's dues - reading, writing, rejection.

After rejection after rejection after rejection after rejection...bet you could wallpaper your house with the rejection slips you were given, honey.

All of them need to be paid before a final acceptance, before the emerging of the writer from the chrysalis of someone who fiercely yearns to write into the butterfly of the published writer. (And then the butterfly finds out that it's hard work to keep flying, and that nectar is rare and difficult to find... but that's another story altogether.)

I see someone who went to the Anne Rice School of Prose. Yowza! *strikes dramatic pose* And said butterfly yearned for acceptance as a real "writah" and wrote reams and reams of spectacular fiction so that her lily white fingers were bruised a marvelous purple prose or bled ruby drops of precious blood all over the snow white pages of her precious words...

That girl

Who had too much time on her hands.

was me.

Yup, definitely had too much time on her hands. (Sorta like me.)

I paid all those dues. It's a matter of pride

And arrogance

for me to stand up and say that I am a writer when people ask me what I do for a living.

When in reality folks immediately ask WHAT you write exactly and then you mumble something about "stuff", so they won't point and laugh at you.

Yes, it's hard. Yes, it's sometimes grounds for clinical depression.

(or other types of depression) Have YOU been taking your meds recently? I believe you're going through a manic phase right now.

Those are the valleys of the land; I took them on when I accepted the occasional attainment of those glorious peaks, planting my flag on some personal mountain.

Have I got news for you, darlin'. When most people ask what you do for a living and you proudly say "I'm a writah", they just go "Really, how interesting." and nod a lot when you spout of crap like this. No one gives a shit really. They'd more impressed if you said "lawyer" or "banker". At least then they can understand the jokes made about your profession.

But now there's something called the National Novel Writing Month, or NaNoWriMo, as it is better known.

Sho' 'nuff is, an I signed up my little ole' self right off!

Its website describes it as a "fun, seat-of-your-pants approach to novel writing. Participants begin writing November 1.The goal is to write a 50,000 word novel by midnight, November 30."

And your point is?

Last year, the NaNoWriMo phenomenon gathered over 5000 hopefuls, of whom 700 succeeded in producing their 50,000 words by the midnight deadline.

Hey, that's pretty good considering Anvil Press's (yes, you read the aright, an actual PUBLISHING COMPANY) Three Day Novel Writing Contest has a greater failure to complete novel rate (and said novels are only expected to be approximately 100 pages double spaced).

"They started the month as auto mechanics, out-of-work actors, and middle school English teachers. They walked away novelists," the NaNoWriMo website says.

And I start off unemployed and walk away a novelist. Yup, I can get into that.

I'm deeply sorry to wreck this comfortable illusion, but this is self-delusional at best, a flat out lie at worst.

Um...er...do you think anyone who actually participates in this contest takes that line SERIOUSLY? I mean, c'mon, it's not like some n00b is gonna quit his or her job because they wrote 50,000 words and now expect it to be considered pearls of great craftsmanship. Unless you're Anne Rice (and possibly Alma Who) who seem to think their words are golden and don't do drafts...just versions. Uh huh. Yup. Sure.

The blurb goes on to say, "Valuing enthusiasm over talent and craft, NaNoWriMo is a novel-writing program for everyone who has thought fleetingly about writing a novel but has been scared away by time and effort involved. It's all about quantity, not quality. Make no mistake, you will be writing a lot of crap. And that is a good thing."

Well, there is that saying that 90% of what a body writes is crap anyway and that 90% of the fiction out there is also crap. Hmmm...methinks you feel you don't fall into this category. Oh right, that's because you are a "writah". You only write GOOD stuff.

If it's so good, how come no one's ever heard of you?

Many people have "thought fleetingly" about writing a novel.

You say that like it's a bad thing.

But if they are scared away by the time and effort involved, perhaps they SHOULD be scared away.

Can't take the heat of possible competition, eh?

If a wannabe sculptor produces a piece of palpable rubbish, the fact that it is cast in bronze does not make it a piece of art, nor its maker a sculptor.

I see you are now an expert in sculpting. Try this on for size, chickie, at least the wannabe sculptor IS sculpting and producing something. At least this person is TRYING something new, see if they are good at it. Maybe, just maybe, that pile of palpable rubbish IS rubbish to you, but not to other sculptors or even to an art museum. Maybe this person didn't know they had it in them and then found they did. Good or bad, it's not for you to deny them their attempt. People have to start somewhere and very surprising things come out of a wannabe whim.

I'd like to introduce you to Julia Cameron's "The Artist's Way". There's a lot of lawyers, doctors, secretaries, teachers, etc. who have taken her course, wondering if they have it in them to be writers, painters, sculptors, etc. and found that they do...and are devoted to it. Good or bad, it doesn't matter...at least they're doing it. And yes, they DO consider themselves writers, painters, sculptors, etc. and who am I to deny what they want to call themselves, or you for that matter. Pretentious git.

It burns me deeply that this is simply not the case with the written word. Write 50,000 words of what may be unadulterated crap, it seems, and you're automatically "a novelist."

If I write a novel, I'm a novelist. Whether I'm a PAID novelist or a PUBLISHED novelist is moot. There's nothing in the definition of "novelist" that says I have to be paid or published in order to be one.

I think you are missing the point of the NaNoWriMo contest and the flippant humour the author of the site used in promoting it.

That doesn't raise you anywhere useful.

Huh? English please.

It does, however, diminish me and people like me

What? Because I wanna call myself a novelist? You mean, you, a PUBLISHED novelist, are gonna feel threatened by silly little me who wrote 50,000 words one month and decided yeah, I wanna be a novelist and decide to call myself one? I have THAT MUCH POWAH!! Ooooh...I feel like a superhero all of a sudden knowing I have the potential to BRING down the all powerful PUBLISHED novelist just by my silly little whim. Go me. *struts*

- professionals who have NOT been scared away by the time and effort involved in producing a novel, who have done hours of research, who have spent hours polishing a piece of work into the best possible shape before submitting it for the judgment of industry professionals.

And who says that those writing in the contest haven't done the same before the actual writing began? I have spoken with many contestants who have done painstaking research and have an outline to keep them focused and feel that the month of November will be a good way to get down the first draft that will later be polished and submitted for the judgement of industry professionals. Or are you threatened by them too?

It's because of the kind of the dilettante 'writer' who thinks that stringing words together like beads on a wire is enough to call himself by that name that it has become so difficult for beginners who really do want to make this into a career to get editors and publishers to take them seriously. After all, it might have been produced at NaNoWriMo - and by the program's own admission, the "novelists" were told outright that writing a lot of crap was a good thing.

Right, so somebody who wrote a "novel" in the month of November under the NaNoWriMo contest, who has no intention of doing anything more with it has now somehow diminished your noble profession to the point where editors and publishers will never take you seriously again? Never mind that said editors and publishers will never have heard of the schmoe that wrote the novel or ever see the novel, or even care that some unnamed, faceless person wrote 50,000 words of crap during a 30 day period.

My God, how insecure can you get! There is good therapy for that sort of problem, you know.

The website offers this as a list of good reasons to participate in NaNoWriMo: "The reasons are endless! To actively participate in one of our era's most enchanting art forms! To write without having to obsess over quality. To be able to make obscure references to passages from your novel at parties. To be able to mock real novelists who dawdle on and on, taking far longer than 30 days to produce their work."

Heeeeeey, this works for me! Especially if I'm in the company of arrogant, insecure, pretentious twats like you.

To mock real novelists.

Eyup.

Who care enough to produce real novels.

Who care enough to produce what they THINK are real novels, yes.

How charming it all sounds. Especially if you can make "obscure references" to your novel at parties. I would think most people grow out of THAT before they are out of college.

But it's so cute to see the frat boys try and pretend they're smart! C'mon, even I see the humour in that one (sorry frat boys, but you DO have that awful reputation).

The entire premise behind this seems to be that the promoters really really enjoy the perks of being "a novelist" - the prestige, the carte blanche to act like a prima donna artist, the supposed leisured lifestyle and the endless lunches with editors and sessions of romantic writing with a pencil behind your ear while sitting at a trendy café and sipping your latte while the world roars by. In other words, the classic, classic thing - they would dearly like to "be writers." They do NOT want to put in the time and the effort - those scary things, remember? - in order to actually WRITE, to earn the sobriquet the hard way. Just hanging the shingle "Writer" on one's door is quite enough.

Let me say this to you very slowly so your little mind and ego can understand it.

It.......is......a.......joooooooke. You know, hahahaha...it's humour. Maybe it's cheap, stupid humour, but it's humour nonetheless. You are taking it and yourself way too seriously. So, I'll say it again. Slowly so you understand and are clear on the concept:

It

is

a

joke.

There, was that slow enough for you?

The FAQ on the NaNoWriMo website are what scares me, not the time and effort involved in producing a good novel. Why bother writing 50,000 words of crap, asks one question, why not just write a real novel later, when you have more time?

Because it's a good idea to get things down on paper...then you have something to polish and work on later if you want to. Or not.

Sheesh, have you ever heard of drafts, or did you not only go to the Anne Rice School of Prose but the Anne Rice School of Not Drafts but Versions?

Three reasons, say the organizers.

1) "If you don't write it now, you probably never will."

They're using the "if not now, when?" school of thought. It's valid, you know. Sometimes folks DO need a kick in the pants to start them onto something new and that they might be a bit nervous about doing. Hell, even Julia Cameron uses a version of this idea in her course.

Here's the truth, they say: 99% of us, if left to our own devices, would never make the time to write a novel. Well, does it occur to "those of us" who fall into that category that they may not be MEANT to write a novel?

Some of those in the 1% shouldn't be writing novels either, if you catch my drift.

This is not some sort of universal human right - thou shalt write a novel. You either want to write one or not.

A lot of people want to write a novel and then listen to pretentious gits like you and don't bother, because dammit, they don't want to be a "writah", they just want to do something mundane and tell a good story, with interesting characters and all that useless shit.

If you don't have anything to say, you don't have anything to say.

I know a lot of professional writers of a higher calibre that you can ever hope to attain who have, at one time or another, haven't anything to say. Writer's block happens to the best of them. Oh wait, not you, because you're a "writah".

Or you may have a good storytelling ability but lack the capacity to put the story across well. None of these things are crimes. But they also don't give you the right to write "50,000 words of crap" in a month and then call yourself a novelist. You are not. You've merely written 50,000 words of crap.

Excuse me? I have every right to write 50,000 words of crap in a month any time I like. Should I choose to call it a novel and claim to be a novelist, then that's my right too. Where does it say in any law book that I can't do that? Last I checked there are no special certificates, degrees or standards that have to be met before I can call myself a writer, or a novelist or a producer of 50,000 words of crap. Trust me, I've seen what's published and on the shelves of bookstores. 90% of it is exactly 50,000 words of crap often produced over much longer periods than 30 days.

2) "Aiming low is the best way to succeed."

What a piece of codswallop! Nobody would tell you that if you were aiming to be a surgeon. If you want to do something, aim to do it well - or, damn it, get out of the way and leave the field clear for those who DO have that ambition. Be fair, to others and to yourself. If aiming low in this sphere is really all you can do, why don't you look for a sphere where you can aim higher?

Okay, let me try this again. Real slow so you can understand it better.

It

is

not

meant

to

be

taken

seriously.

I really don't like repeating myself. Really. It's too bad you're too slow to get the point.

3) "Art for art's sake does wonderful things to you."

Doing something just for the hell of it, they say, is a wonderful antidote to all the chores and "must-dos" of daily life. "Writing a novel in a month is both exhilarating and stupid, and we would all do well to invite a little more spontaneous stupidity into our lives." Oh, swell, let's all go play in the traffic. I can think of a lot better ways to express one's stupidity than to put yourself through the wringer of writing 50,000 words that do not want to get written.

I have one thing to say: Get over yourself you ludicrous, insecure, self important, mastubatory git. Put the spooge cloth away and stop playing with yourself and actually READ what you're looking at.

Okay, I lied, I have more to say. I'll try this AGAIN so your stupid little mind understands. This...is....a...joooooooooooooooke. A JOKE, DAMMIT. Don't make me repeat myself again or I might get nasty next time. Okay? It's a JOKE. It's a little thing we call humour. Sure it's not gonna be funny to everyone, but DAMMIT, it's humour. Something obviously you didn't get because you were too busy holding the door for everyone else when they went to pick their sense of humour up. Either that, or your being a "writah" didn't leave any room for a bloody sense of humour for all those big pretentious ideas about what a novelist is and isn't you have stored in there.

Can anyone participate in NaNoWriMo?, the FAQ goes on to ask. The answer is no. "People looking to write classy, complex novels should not participate. People who take their writing very seriously should go elsewhere. Everyone else is warmly welcomed." So they are specifically excluding anyone who might have a real stake in this, and welcoming people with no ambition, no real wish to write, only the wish to be able to "make obscure references to their novel" at parties. Excluding the people with drive and passion and, it would appear, that bare modicum of writing talent that would ensure that they took this lark at least a little bit seriously also means that the folks who do participate will have no standards to measure against. It's those 50,000 words of "it's-okay-just-write-it" crap again.

*bangs head repeatedly against the wall* Are you really this stupid, or are you just doing this to make me shake my head and offer to put you out of your misery? Really, I have a plenty of sense of humour, I can spare some...here...you need it more than I do.

You know what, it's people like you nobody wants to have around during the NaNoWriMo. Why? Because you take all the fun out of writing. Yeah, what a concept. Writing is fun. Yeah...and you know why it's fun? Because you can put something of yourself on a piece of paper. You can share it with others doing the same thing. You can laugh about the silly turn of phrase or talk about that weird image you tired to write about and have a dozen other people understand exactly what you're saying and doing. You can sit alone for hours and write something brilliant or write crap, and share it and everyone can say, "you know, I have had moments like that".

Then there's people like you. The wet blanket. The person who comes along and trashes everything everyone does because they're not being "serious" or "sweating blood" and it's YOUR type of wet blanket that makes a potentially good idea, a good writer, a good NOVELIST say, "why bother? I'm having too much fun. I'm not doing it right".

Those are the people, people like YOU, we don't want in the NaNoWriMo. ktxbye

An interview with Chris Baty, one of the originators of the concept of NaNoWriMo, ran in the Melbourne Age, an Australian paper, almost a year ago. In it, Baty reveals more gems about his idea. The trick of it all, he says, is to tell people "don't worry about the quality" - and somehow, magically, this actually makes the quality come. Okay - forget about the training for brain surgery, for architecture, for carpentry. Don't worry if you don't know how to operate on a man, or design a house, or build a shelf. Just go ahead and do it. If the patient dies, the house falls down or the shelf collapses chalk it up to experience and go collar another patient to practice on.

There is some wonderful stuff that can come out of someone who just lets it all hang out. Then again, if they're having fun, the way you make it sound, they ain't doin' it right.

Interviewer Dani Valent asks about "fringe benefits," and Baty, a 28-year-old Californian journalist in real life, replies: "Babes love novelists. Sex appeal like you wouldn't believe. To be able to walk into a room and say "I am a novelist" parts the social Red Sea. It's a very sexy thing to be. December 1 you wake up and it's a whole different dating landscape." (Um, what about lady novelists, Chris? Do they get the same fringe benefits, or is it just the young male Hemingway-wannabes with their turtle-necks and distinguishedly graying half-beards and studious glasses perched on the bridge of their nose that get to get laid by pretending to be what they are not?)

For one, yeah, lady novelists get the same fringe benefits. Hell, my last boyfriend was sure impressed by my novelist status. :P

Besides, Chris Baty has something you are seriously lacking. It's called a sense of humour. If anyone takes what he said there seriously, they deserve to.

In other words, here it is in a nutshell. We want to Be Writers. We want to talk about this at parties. Hey, who said anything about having to work at it?

Works for me. I'm soooooooo there. Especially if it pisses YOU and your ilk off. But then again, I'm a bitch that way.

I am a writer. I just get terribly, terribly frustrated when something I have devoted my life to is treated in as cavalier a manner as Baty seems to be doing. To be a writer is not a right, it's a privilege. And you cannot buy that privilege by writing "50,000 words of crap" in a month. The price is much, much higher than that.

Hmmm...I think this bears repeating: There is nothing anywhere that says I need some special qualification to call myself a writer (as opposed to "writah") or a novelist. There is no law saying I can't do this. You show it to me, and I might just stop, otherwise, go off and sulk in your own little sandbox and let the rest of us have great writing fun in ours.

So you want to write? Write.

And that's what a very large number of us are gonna do throughout the month of November, with or without your approval.

If you don't have it in you, that thing that drives you, the thing that needs to be said - then find another dream. Make the bourbon for the tortured artists to drink. Bake them a cake. Build them a house.

There's this little saying you might like to use on occasion: Take my advice, because I'm sure not using it.

Don't diminish their accomplishments by calling yourself "a novelist."

I'm a novelist. I'M A NOVELIST!!!!! Hey, I've written three of them in my life - yes I have and you know what? I'M A NOVELIST! - of course, I'm not a published novelist, but who cares? I'M A NOVELIST!

If writing is your hobby and your interest, that's perfectly fine. For many of us, it's a living. For some of us, it's a vocation. There are people who want to "be writers," and people who want to write. Find out which you are. If it's the latter, you don't need NaNoWriMo - you will not be scared away by the necessary time and effort, you will not be scared away by the bourbon and the coffee and the leftovers.

No, we'll just be scared away by the pretentious, arrogant, insecure idiots like you who think writing is some tortorous exercise, not something to do for the sheer joy of doing it, which, I might add, I see as the POINT of NaNoWriMo.

(And um...er...I don't drink and I don't do coffee. Does that make me not a "writah". I mean, I drink Coke and tea. Will that do?)

You WILL write, because you cannot not write.

Wait, wait...I write because I'm driven to. I don't necessarily want to make a living out of it (yet), but I write because I must. I strongly feel I must...that makes me a writer, doesn't it? By this last little definition, it does. I write novels, novellas, short stories, vignettes, sometimes, although rarely, I write poetry, limericks, articles for journals, journal entries, letters...all sorts of things. I do this because I feel compelled to. That makes me a writer, right? Of course it does. No, it's not always easy, but it's usually a lot of fun and I love doing it. That's what it's about isn't it? Loving what you do? So what if I'm not published. That doesn't matter to me. It's what I enjoy doing and that's all that really matters.

Methinks someone needs to get her priorities straight and not end her essay by contradicting herself.

If it's the former... find a real writer somewhere and cure yourself of the romantic ideas of what a writer's life is like.

Most writers I know, who are bona fide published authors, are also secretaries, burger flippers, sales clerks, etc. and work these "joe" jobs because they cannot live off their writing, but they're still writers, no?

And then go and sin no more.

What are you? The fucking Pope of Writing? It's not a sin to say "I'M A NOVELIST". See, let me do it again. I'M A NOVELIST!! *dances*

You haven't a leg to stand on missy. You just don't. You write as if you own the concept of writing and let's face it, some of the great writers of our time did more than just write. You might want to look into that. They were lawyers, bank clerks, newspaper editors, teachers, the list goes on. Just because you make a living at it does not mean you get special privileges. How about leaving the rest of us alone and let us have our fun, write our 50,000 words of crap and then see if we can further make you feel threatened by getting published and get rave reviews...when that happens, I hope said new authors praise the hell out of NaNoWriMo for getting them started and finding out they DO have what it takes.

And we can all live happily ever after.

Well, I know I will. I'm not sure about you though. Seems the month of November will make you mighty nervous. All those wannabee NOVELISTS out there trying to steal your thunder, you know.

Thank you.