Broken Thoughts

WoW talk.

2008-03-21T04:16:29Z

I think I'm addicted to leveling. Or something like that.

Thus far I have the following:

Beramode, lvl 70 Draenei Shaman. (Main, raiding character.)
Skyfoot, lvl 70 Night Elf Rogue. (PvP guy, also secondary raid character.)
Moonskin, lvl 70 Night Elf Hunter. (Former raiding character, pre-BC.)
Driallath, lvl 70 Night Elf Druid. (Yeah, I like night elves, so sue me.)
Yseult, lvl 62 Human Warlock.
Sonhae, lvl 63 Human Paladin. (My first toon to 60, and then I hardly used her.)
Jyuu, lvl 63 Draenei Priest. (Working on getting her to 70 atm.)

And on the flip side I have...

Lohengrin, lvl 70 Blood Elf Paladin.
Sistinas, lvl 61 Blood Elf Warlock.

That's 5 70s and 4 toons in their 60s.

And I can't seem to stop myself... I have this little Draenei mage named Kaitrix on another server and...

An Open Letter.

2008-01-05T05:04:48Z

Dear CNN and other news affiliates,

Please stop reporting about Brittany Spears. I don't care what she's doing, who she's doing it with or what her latest domestic dispute with what's his face is. I'm tired of you reporting about the color of her shit every time she goes to the bathroom. Maybe she needs more ruffage in her diet, maybe not, but honestly, I don't give a shit. (No pun intended.)

Thank you for your time,

Faulty Premise

...

2007-11-03T04:43:59Z

Every time I start reading wank within a fandom_wank post, I start thinking of monty python skits.

Fandom wank, it's like a skit, in a way.

faultypremise @ 2007-10-28T23:19:00

2007-10-29T04:20:30Z

YARR. Someone mentioned World of Warcraft.

I canna help myself.

Beramode is my pride and joy, also geared to the teeth in ways I never dreamed that any of my alts would be.

We took out Leo last week, so our final barrier is Vashj, who we are dedicating all our raid time to on Monday night.

I predict a painfully high repair bill.

I'll take Dead Gay Headmasters for 200, Alex.

2007-10-22T15:15:07Z

Yes, here are my thoughts on Dumbledore being gay, even if you've already been drowned in opinions on the subject since JK Rowling revealed it.

1. This is not a big deal. She wasn't revealing this to be edgy or controversial. A kid asked her a question, she answered it. Perhaps some small part of her knew it would stir things up a bit, but I doubt she would have revealed it if she had not been asked it directly. I could be wrong, but after reading the interview, this makes the most sense to me.

2. Dumbledore is gay... so what? It's just a facet of who he is. I rather like that JK Rowling has seen him as gay all this time and had this quiet little historical plot point in her head that she had no need to put in the novels. If she had, I would have been disappointed. Not because he's gay, but because him being gay really has no bearing on how Harry defeats Voldemort. This tale is about Harry Potter, not Dumbledore.

3. Gay lifestyle is unhealthy? Obviously the bint who said that has never worked in a men's clinic or a gynecology office.

Hehehehe.

2007-10-08T03:36:53Z

I just caught the wankity wank.

This is the best thread evar.

Ahahahaha!

2007-09-15T06:19:34Z

Rumor hazzit that Dark Horse is preparing to release the Gor novels again.

Suddenly I have this desire to continue writing Slave Boy of Rog.

For the curious, here are the links.

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

I couldn't go any further than that.

(The icon on this post is oddly appropriate, too.)

Background on this: A friend of mine introduced me to Slavegirl of Gor, which was so hideous I couldn't really read it, I just sort of skimmed it. To deal with the trauma of this book raping my mind, I began a small project to rewrite the book in a way that was still really badly written, in the spirit of the novels themselves, but presented the exact opposite ideals. Instead of women wanting to be raped by big strong men, we have men wanting to be dominated by powerful women.

I only got so far. But it was enough to purge the bad stuff.

Because I can't help myself, again.

2007-09-08T03:02:36Z

For ashenmote.

Fandom Wank: Well, gentlemen, we have two possible explosions of wank coming up and I thought it best if the wankers themselves explained the particular advantages of their funnehs.

Ah! That's probably the first wanker now. Come in.

Millyfan: Good morning, wankas.

This is a tl;dr diatribe combining classical Crystal Wank features with the efficiency of modern Mrs Scribery. The wankas arrive here and are carried along the comment pages in extreme amusement, past lovely GIP icons depicting boobies and various fandom wank catch phrases, towards the rotating sporks. The last twenty comments are heavily screened. The blood pours down these chutes and the mangled flesh slurps into these...

Fandom Wank: Excuse me. Are you suggesting we spork our members?

Millyfan: Does that not fit in with your plans?

Fandom Wank: Not really, we asked for a funny wank.

Millyfan: Oh. I hadn't fully divined your attitude towards the members. You see I mainly design pathetic attempts at wankery.

Fandom Wank: Ah. Pity.

Millyfan: Mind you, this is a real beaut. No haeds pasted on yey or charitywank smacking the anonymice with this one. My life's work has been leading up to this.

Fandom Wank: Yes, and well done, but we really wanted a funny wank.

Millyfan: May I ask you to reconsider?

Fandom Wank: Sorry, but we wanted a funny wank, not a tl;dr diatribe.

Millyfan: ...I see. Well, of course, this is just the sort of bitches in high school mentality I've come to expect from you non-creative grudgewankers. You sit there on your loathsome spotty behinds squeezing blackheads, not caring a tinker's cuss for the struggling wanker. You excrement, you whining hypocritical toadies with your lol_memes and your wank recipes and your mod squads. You wouldn't let me join, would you, you blackballing bastards. Well I wouldn't become a wanka now if you went down on your lousy stinking knees and begged me!

Fandom Wank: We're sorry you feel that way, but we did want a funny wank, nice though the diatribe there is.

Millyfan: Oh sod the diatribe, that's not important. But if any of you could put in a word for me I'd love to be a wanka. Fandom wank opens doors. I'd be very quiet, I was a bit on edge just now but if I were a wanka I'd sit with the anonymice and not get in anyone's way.

Fandom Wank: (Dismissively) Thank you.

Millyfan: I nearly got in at Fanficrants...

Fandom Wank: Thank you.

Millyfan: I have a few neat icons.

Fandom Wank: Thank you.

faultypremise @ 2007-08-28T22:26:00

2007-08-29T03:27:18Z

Dear kahran042,

No one cares.

Buh bye,

Fallie

Because I can't help myself.

2007-08-17T04:05:44Z

Oh MsScribe... you cosmically stupid tart.

So I have permission to post this. Enjoy it because it'll be the last of it's kind.

Until the next time.

Although it doesn’t matter much anymore, Clara asked that I write this up.

Did she.

(Oh, didn't Charlotte tell you that she was real?

Have you told your psychiatrist about these voices in your head talking to you? They prescribe medication for that kind of thing, you know. Also, they have padded white cells and these very fashionable jackets that fit so snugly around you you can't stop hugging yourself.

Nanea used to talk to her on the phone. Also to me. We sound different. Also, you know, when I was hospitalized Nanea talked to her because I was incapable of it. )

Well of course you couldn't communicate with anyone yourself, at that time, you were busy having your fake crisis. That's why you used sock puppets, duh. We already know this.

Frankly, I don’t think this post is all that necessary but here it goes.

No, not necessary, except I'm sure being out of the limelight lately is killing you.

I was never going to post this and Clara didn't want me to but she has since changed her mind since this whole thing has put a strain (for her) on our friendship.

Understandable. After all, she's probably the little devil sitting on your left shoulder.

This whole Bad Penny thing has done me a lot of good, though. I’m sure this wasn’t their intention, but it has. I’ll explain later.

My nipples explode with anticipatory delight to hear that one.

In the beginning (In know, I know, a little Biblical but bear with me) I was in a car accident. I had a head injury.

You know, if this is actually true, it explains a lot right there.

The oldest was only 6 months old and so we got my neighbor’s younger cousin who had come to visit a few times to care for her (and me) during my recovery. Think I’m vying for sympathy here? Read back to me the number of posts I’ve made detailing this part of my past in the last 6 years. Like four, maybe?

Vying for sympathy? Not yet, but you've laid down a nice groundwork.

So yeah, I didn’t meet Clara on the web. We totally got online together and SarahKJames? Her college roommate (A funny chick who I’d love to get back in contact with) would come with her for weekends at my house. They’d do laundry. Oh, and in case you’re wondering, Clara isn’t her real name. We gave the fake name to Carissa Lynn because she was a cunt to Clara and Clara thought she might try to do something regarding her in school. Sarah was in art school and eventually went on to do something in Real Estate. No, she wasn’t 36. We made that up. She was gay, though, and after she moved in with her girlfriend we didn’t hear much from her. She stopped posting.

Is anyone else just completely confused by this paragraph right here? I am, I've read it three times now and I'm trying to figure out who she's talking about, exactly, from sentence to sentence.

Don’t you just love the Internet?

Oh honey, you have NO idea.

So, as part of my recovery I had a hard time with language. I still don’t type very fast. It’s part of the reason why I’ve never been a big chatter. The doctor told me to try reading children’s books. I chose Harry Potter. Clara read it with me. We were hooked. We searched for things about it and we stumbled upon Eight Ways From Sunday by jlh.

This is almost starting to sound like a plot hatched from the mind of Charles Dickens.

Jlh turned us onto Harry/Hermione so we found Portkey. It was later that we found out that Fiction Alley had other fics, lol. At this point I’d never even heard of or read anything about Cassie. Clara had started the Draco trilogy but frankly, at that point, it was actually too long for me to try to tackle. Some months went by before I began to post anything. Clara made these goofy icons and ‘fangirled’ me and so did Sarah and it was a game. I knew about it. Seriously. I’d like to have a better reason, but when it came down to it we were just fucking around.

Just fucking around?

It was then that I began writing Requital aka the shittiest fanfic ever written, but I’m proud of that fic for all of it’s errors because it was something I did on my own and that took a LOT of time back then. Clara thought she was helping me, and she was. She used my laptop and I’d use my husband’s (did I mention there are three computers in this house?)

No wonder she was able to sock puppet so effectively. I wonder if she had them all lined up together.

We were both newbies to the web 'community'. The term ‘fandom’ was completely new and we trolled and started flame wars on Portkey. It was funny at the time. We had no idea people took that shit so seriously.

*facepalm*

So, here’s where things went buggy. So there was this guy who liked my shitty fic until it got to the part where Cho has this weird sexual tension thing going on with Hermione. (Hey, that ship is really hot!) And he FREAKS OUT. Up until this point, he’s been sending me emails and they were all really nice and he was really nice so I answered. With my real name. Yeah, naïve much? Wait, it gets better. He sends me a bunch of religious texts on homosexuality from Amazon.com. I send them back. (He had a return PO).

Bizarre, but not entirely unlikely. There are nuts on the net. However...

Now, it’s at this point that I want to make something clear. I never, not once, claimed that I was afraid for my life or being stalked.

I'd like some confirmation on /that/ one.

Ever. He was weird and creepy, and invasive, but he never threatened me. It frankly wasn’t that deep. He was trying to convert me to his way of thinking, but it wasn’t a threat. His Internet name was fermatojam.

Ah, and fermatojam is born. Now this leads one to the quandary of which came first, the nutball or the sock puppet.

So the next part is the reason why I haven’t said anything this long. I’ve been waiting until Clara felt comfortable enough to say anything and until we had worked through our own friendship issues.

What?

The whole fermatojam thing was funny to me. Clara and I talked about it for hours and it was exhilarating.

Exactly, a real stalker! Catapulting you to fame and fortune on da intarwebz! This could be the big, time, baby, just me, my voice and ... ah... PROFIT!

So she did something without me knowing. She pretended to be him to get me going.

AHAHAHAHAHA! What a tangled web this is, a sock puppet sock puppeting. What is the world coming to?

It might seem inexcusable to you, but you have no idea what things were like for me and she did.

... do you really think we've bought this whole Clara isn't a sock puppet thing?

I basically was trapped in the house, was on more meds than a diabetic 85 year old, and being msscribe was empowering. At home I had to rely on others to take care of me and I wasn’t even able to fully care for my child at that point so the Internet was an escape.

This I can actually believe. And for once, I won't mock. It's kind sad, honestly. If she'd stuck with this excuse I might have actually had a smidgen of pity for her. But then, she went on...

I didn’t know anything about the politics of GT or Cassie Clare or anyone at that point, but she has gotten a little deeper into it and she did. Clara made the post on Cassie’s LJ. Clara logged onto GT. I only found this out a few months ago.

Sure. We believe you too. ~~Not really.~~

When the bad penny report came out, I couldn’t believe it.

I'm sure... all your hard work suddenly dropped into the limelight just like that.

I was furious that they were editing screen caps to make it look like it was coming from my house, but Clio asked me a hard question and I eventually had to break down and admit it was possible.

It was possible that you were sock puppeting?

So I confronted her. It was a terrible time for it. She was very pregnant and needed my friendship (And frankly, that was never at risk) and so when she admitted it I said nothing except to maybe two or three people. And honestly it didn’t matter much anymore because I was dealing with my own drama as the husband and I had a serious discussion about separating on June 10th, 2006. Days before any of the other stuff was going down, in case you were wondering about my absence from the Internet. Priorities, people. And frankly, fandom hadn’t been a part of my life in years aside from some of the people in it.

Zzzzzzz. Eh, wot? Oh, sorry, fell asleep at the keys.

And the other sock puppets like Pottersginny? Killiganshope? I’m sad to say that this was also something she did. She used an anonymizer she had set up on the computers and told me that it was coming from the UK and she thought it was this guy at GT. It was coming from the UK but what I didn't know was that it was a different anon thingy. She screencapped and I went into a mild rage. I was completely wrong about that. I'm definitely sorry, but I really believed that shit. I really did.

I'm sure you do, believe it that is.

The Pottersginny thing hurt the most, I think, although I know why she did it, but that one hurt because she was upstairs in her room, I thought she was asleep, and here I was thinking I’m online with the worst troll of all. I understand why, though. At that point she confessed to just liking my reactions. And I’ll admit they were drama queen to the max. Looking back, I took that stuff waaay too seriously.

Kinda like the folks at Portkey were taking that shit waaaay too seriously?

But we talked through it because, you know, it’s the web, and here is someone who I love like my own kid. So in the end it didn’t matter. It was just the web.

Yeah, because people on the web aren't real people with real emotions, they're just toys to be played with by her and her sock puppets.

She never threatened to kill anyone. She was a newbie, like me, who trolled (like I did sometimes, too and so have ALL of you!) And five years later she is a mother to one with one on the way who hadn’t thought of any of this in years.

*wags her finger at you* And let that be a lesson to YOU kids, it's ok to hurt people and smear their names around as long as it's over the internet.

Also, I really didn’t want to admit that the grumbly chicks at GT were actually right. But they were. They caught on waaay before this and I remained loyal and stubborn. But seriously, maybe if they’d been nicer. You chicks thought that I made people loathe you? HA. Y’all did a pretty damn good job of that all on your own. But that’s another thing…

Yeah, because heaven knows you should be NICE to people who are lying about you and causing trouble for you. Turn the other cheek bastards so I can hit that one too!

When GT suspected Clara was sockpuppeting, they sent me the WORLDS nastiest letter. So of course, I was like, “Fuck you” and moved on. Did I think they were right? Hell, no. Was I wrong? Hell, yeah. Were they still really, really shitty about it? Yep.

Because they totally had no right to be angry about it. Totally.

So yeah, I had fun with them. I snarked at them. I created the community GT_Hidden room that, basically, my whole f-list knew about. I even had moced them on FW with another account (Can't remember it offhand). I’m serious. I posted about it. It was no secret, in spite of what some people claim. And the drag queen mocking? Yep, I also did that. And I wasn’t the only one who did it, either. But we made fun of their fic, and their uptightness, but mostly their fic. Which is, and will always be, really really bad. Sorry. But it is. Except the one Irina wrote. That was pretty damn good.

I almost felt sympathy before, now I'm afraid I must borrow tez's stamp of FAIL.

But at this point, I believed that fermatojam knew them all along (which Clara told me) and that they were harassing her. I love her, and the people close to me know how I am about people I love. They weren’t harassing her, so I’m sorry for that. I really, really am. I truly believed that this was the case.

I hate you all, you suck, die in a fire... but I'm sorry you weren't harassing my invisible friend. (WHY WEREN'T YOU DAMMIT.)

Now let me tell you what I didn’t do. I didn’t call any of their jobs to get them fired, even though I had most of their first and last names thanks to random people who decided to share with me (You all made a LOT of enemies way before I came along!).

Ok, we've now entered creepyville.

I never, not once, posted or made fun of their personal lives or stories they told about their families. I never, not once threatened them with their jobs and I know at least two of you are teachers, one of you living pretty damn close to me.

... this went beyond creepyville to downright fuckings scaryville. Can you say someone else was a stalker? I can.

I had dinner with your boss. How easy it would have been to step over that line. You think you're the only ones who know how to screencap? Do you know how easy it would have been for me to cross that line if I ever had the intention of doing that?

Wow... you gathered all this information up? I wonder when you planned to use it, perhaps things cooled off before you got the chance. (Raise your hands if you think she wouldn't have done it if she felt justified.)

I never took it out of the pretend world of the Internet or had ANY intention of ever doing that. I still don't. I wish they could say the same. I didn’t say I had taken GT down, in fact, I posted that they had imploded themselves under a locked post. I bought GT.org and thought I had bought GT.net, but that turned out to only be a domain waiting list purchase thing. Yeah, not so much with the bright, huh?

Well no, you're certainly not bright. You got caught, after all.

Someone DID send a letter to my job, and I WAS forced to resign, and because of the postmark I had a pretty good idea of who it was. I never posted about it publicly until I was asked to by a friend. So at that point, the gloves were off.

Does anyone believe this either? Srsly.

(To be continued, I need to sleep...)

faultypremise @ 2007-07-20T07:00:00

2007-07-20T12:01:28Z

Sometimes, I hate being a mod at FFR. Most of the time, it's amusing in some way. But sometimes, I get the urge to go hit the delete button on it.

What...

2007-07-07T04:32:25Z

Quoted question to an Otakukin: Is it possible to write a work of fiction which is just fiction, or does every work of the imagination correspond to some real incident in a real parallel dimension?

Reply from the Otakukin: Yes, every possible fiction corresponds to a universe.

HOWEVER this dosn't mean that writers aren't creative. Most writers have no knowledge that the story they are writing is true in another world.

Some authors though are soulbonded and *do* know that their works of fiction actually happen.

....

WRONG ANSWER.

faultypremise @ 2007-06-15T19:00:00

2007-06-16T00:02:24Z

Dear male members of Fanficrants who tend to whine about women in the fanfiction universe,

Get over yourselves.

Thank you,

Fallofrain

PS: If you are a male member of fanficrants and have never behaved like you should be treated like a God because you have a penis, this does not pertain to you.

faultypremise @ 2007-06-01T16:56:00

2007-06-01T21:57:54Z

Dear teh_no,

No one cares.

Kisses,

Fallofrain

Why the mods are mean.

2007-03-21T06:36:20Z

Saved for posterity. And mocked because I felt like it.

Pretentiousness FTW!

There was a recent post in FFR that was deleted, the person who deleted it was a) a sock puppet and b) banned. Of course. However, apparently the mod tags that are so loved are not loved by everyone.

Especially not burning_cutlass.

And I do quote...

(This is where I must come in and agree with you wholeheartedly.)

Now, I'm not a member of this community, nor was I ever, but I've been mildly active in cleaning up some of the filth that it sometimes leaves behind.

Yes, the mod tags are obnoxious. In their execution, they are a mark of childishness -- blurting out insults and rude phrases in a sloppy manner. Sure, some of the posts they get placed on do lack merit, but why? Because these posts are obnoxious and rude in their execution, am I right? Therefore, why do the mods see fit to retaliate these posters with obnoxious and rude comments of their own? As far as I've been taught, two wrongs still don't make a right.

And if I may, using a sock puppet in order to protect your true internet identity from flamers and other such scum is no crime, especially not when you make it clear that you're doing so. The problem with this community lies with the sect of its members who see fit to go out of the community's bounds to attack people's personal accounts, which is exactly why this poster in particular is using a sock puppet. Yes, a sock puppet can be frowned upon if it is being used as a tool to attack without fear of consequence, but as an admitting shield and doing no harm, there is very little reason to feel threatened by it.

I have to wonder how in the world this individual has to clean up after the community? Seriously, wtf is he/she/it even talking about? Not a mod that I know of. Even still, mods don't clean up shit when people behave badly on ze comm and have their asses handed to them on a silver platter.

Which returns me to the point of sock puppetry. If you feel the need to post using a sock puppet because you are SO afraid of people's reactions to what you plan on posting... perhaps you should heed that inner voice and, oh I dunno, NOT POST IT TO FFR.

By god you'd think there were no other ranting communities out there.

Question.

2007-01-12T04:02:10Z

Should I make a community here for ffr_wanks? Because I'm so tired of seeing the comm get wanked to death on fandom_wank. It's drowning out better wank half the time.

Please, think of the wank.

Kitton post.

2007-01-08T19:45:41Z

Because kittons make everything better.

faultypremise @ 2006-12-30T07:52:00

2006-12-30T13:55:18Z

Dear FFR, please avoid exploding in drama, kthnx. I'll be at work all day today.

faultypremise @ 2006-12-29T15:23:00

2006-12-29T21:25:21Z

This thread wins so much.

Let's play the blame game.

2006-12-28T14:45:59Z

You know what I"m tired of?

Victim blaming. 'Oh why didn't she get herself out of that situation?' 'Why didn't she tell the guy off?'

As if it were quite that simple.

Why do people ask these questions? Why does anyone even wonder about the abused motivations?

Example. I lived with my now ex-husband for six years. Six years of hell. Did it start that way? Of course not. He was charming, loving, wonderful to me in the beginning. Then slowly he sabotaged my self esteem with little cutting comments. 'Oh, you missed a payment on the bills, guess I better take it over now'. Eventually these little cutting comments became larger and larger. You don't even /see/ the cage that's being built around you.

He moved me to PA, away from all my friends and family. Cut off contact with everyone who was 'giving me ideas' and even began limiting my online time. I wasn't allowed to go out with any work friends after work, even. Hell I wasn't supposed to /have/ friends. He probably wouldn't have let me work at all if he wasn't lazy and needed me to work so I could support his need of technological toys. (Because despite him taking over our finances, he never paid the real bills.)

I was so alone, so depressed, and I literally had no way out. I had no vehicle, I was sick and needed surgery, and his abuse was deepening by the day.

Anyone who asks me 'why didn't you just leave him'? Will get socked in the mouth so hard they'll shit out their teeth.

I finally did leave him. I woke up one morning and realized if I didn't get out he was going to kill me. If not physically, than spiritually and mentally.

But having /been/ there, I know what a dark black hole it is, and how hard it is to climb out of it. Rarely does the abuse begin all at once, it's far more gradual than that. Have it happen to someone who's a bit more timid or the quiet type who doesn't want to cause a stir? Bad mojo.

So to the victim blamers out there, go do some research and blame the person who deserves it, the abuser.

faultypremise @ 2006-12-25T16:08:00

2006-12-25T22:19:47Z

The Blessing

Stratski: The curse!

A few days later word had spread through Hyrule

Stratski: That the baby is actually... *gasp* Ganon's!
Vance: A vast scandal involving JennaMarySue, two lesbian fairies and a vicar?

that Link and I just had a baby. When the King heard that Link had a son he was just delighted.

Helmholz: But only delighted. Nothing else.

He was going to have a blessing ceremony for the baby when I was well enough to get out of bed. Link spent the time I was in bed caring for me and our son. For the first few days we were keeping little Link in the room with us. It was safer and easier when he needed to be fed. Since I was breast-feeding him it was not much for me to get up and get him out of his cradle. There was the chair in the corner for me to use during feeding time.
I was surprised that for the most part Link Jr. slept through most nights.

Helmholz: Right. How many newborns out there sleep through the night? Not many, but obviously JennaMarySue's will!

But there were a few times where he cried in the middle of the night to be changed or fed. But I was glad to have this little miracle.

Vance: Would you kindly stop referring to it as a 'miracle', you co-dependant *freak*!

He was my pride and joy. I finally had a family. A family to call my own. When I was well enough to leave the bed we sent word to the Royal Family that I was ready. Two days later, we had the blessing ceremony.
The King had everyone in Hyrule attend. He wanted everyone to meet the "Hero of Time's" first-born son. Also his name was to be announced to everyone after he was blessed.

Helmholz: Um, thanks for the random detail.
Stratski: It's not as if it were some kind of grand name. Link... Jr.

The sun was bright as I walked out of the Lost Woods and onto Hyrule Field. I was carrying Link Jr. in my arms. Link walked at my side as we went. I watched as little Link giggled when he saw the sun.

Helmholz: But babies that young don't--
Stratski: Helm, remember your blood pressure. Don't let it get to you.

"This is the outside world my son." "Look." I said as I held him so he was facing Hyrule Field. He giggled and his little eyes lit up as he saw the new outside world.

Vance: The kid's insane already.

I smiled at Link as he giggled. "He is so beautiful my love." "He is the best gift you ever gave me." I said as I looked into his blue eyes. Link leaned over and kissed me, smiled, then put his arm around me. When we reached the Castle Gates Princess Zelda, Impa and the King were there to greet us. We were taken to the Castle Courtyard where everyone was waiting to meet the son of the "Hero of Time."
There was a lot of bustle as people waited to see the son of Link and Jenna. I looked from behind the archway and saw that the Sages had attended, and to my surprise even Princess Ruto was there.

Stratski: Why not? What better time to wipe out the entire family in one fowl swoop?

Even the Zora and Goron races attended to see this blessed event. I cuddled our son as I waited for the King to announce us. Link smiled when our little son looked up at him, smiled big and giggled. I saw Link's face just light up when I handed our son to him. I nearly cried as I watched Link cuddle our little miracle. Little Link meant as much to me as his father, my whole world revolved around them.

Vance: We know. Trust us, we *know*

They were my life.

Stratski: Care to repeat that one more time?
Helmholz: Don't encourage her.

I listened as the King made his speech, then we were announced. I looked in to my love's eyes and told him it was time to bless our son.

Vance: Nooo, really? I thought it was time to sacrifice the Mary Sue.

Link handed Link Jr. to me and we went to show all of Hyrule the son of a legend.
I held the tiny baby gently in my arms as we walked out to greet all of Hyrule. Then as we walked out a loud cheer rose from the awaiting crowd.

Vance: They thought they came to see a beheading. Instead, they get to witness some lame baptism thing.

Zelda played her lullaby as I prepared our little son to be held high. When she finished the King spoke once more. "My people, this is a time of blessing." "A new life has entered our world, a life born by Hyrule's legend."

Stratski: So... Jenna's a legend now?
Vance: Of course she is, a legendary dependant and beautiful wife of Link. She's sweet, and beautiful, and kind, and will have lots of babies and--
Helmholz: *claps a hand over Vance's mouth* Ok, that's enough.

"Once a boy of destiny, left the forest and became a man." "He entered the Temple of Time and pulled the Master Sword from its resting place." "Thus he became the "Hero of Time." "His destiny became Hyrule's salvation." "His bravery saved us from a life of darkness." "Then with his duties completed, he found and took a wife."

Vance: *groan* Gotta mention the wife in there somewhere.

"Now that hero and his wife have been blessed with a new baby boy." "I now present the "Hero of Time" Link, his wife Jenna, and their new son."

Vance: *mutter* God forbid he forget to mention the wife. Repeatedly.

Then the King smiled at us and gave us way. I handed our son to Link and we walked forward, to where all of Hyrule could see our new son. I stood by Link's side as he looked down over all of Hyrule.

Stratski: And promptly tosses the baby into the air.
Vance: Free kid to whoever catches it!

"I, Link the "Hero of Time" present our new son, Link the Second!"

Stratski: And hopefully the last.

He yelled as he held our son up high for all of Hyrule to see. A loud cheering rose from the people of Hyrule as Link held our son up high. I smiled as everyone cheered, I felt happy. This was truly a special time in our little son's life.

Helmholz: I wonder if they'll name all their kids Link.
Vance: What if it's a girl?
Helmholz: Linka?
Stratski: Linkette.

After our son was presented, it was time for our son to be blessed. Rauru the Light Sage was awaiting with the other sages to bless our son first. He walked up to little Link and put his hands on his head. "Link the Second, son of the "Hero of Time" was born under a legend and will grow up in his father's image." "To help guide and protect him in his journey through life, we the six sages each bestow a gift upon thy little one." "I, Rauru the Light Sage, bestow the gift of courage upon thee." Rauru's hands begun to glow as he gave the gift of courage to our son.

Vance: The courage to run far away as soon as he's physically able.

Completed, Saria the Forest Sage was next to bestow her gift. "I, Saria the Forest Sage, bestow the gift of friendship upon thee." Saria placed her hands on Link Jr's tiny head and bestowed her gift.

Stratski: Friendship, what sort of gift is that? What friends? The kid can't even talk yet!

Next was Daurina. "I, Daurina the Fire Sage, bestow the gift of power upon thy brother." With his big Goron hands he gently placed them on the tiny baby's head and shared his gift with him.

Vance: Now wasn't that mean? He didn't give it to the kid, but to his brother-- wait, he doesn't have a brother...
Helmholz: He will, never fear.

Then reluctantly Ruto walked over to our son to bestow her gift. "I, Ruto the Water Sage, bestow the gift of love upon thee." She placed her gentle fish like hands in our son's forehead and gave him her gift.

Stratski: You man stealing ho. Watch, your son will now fall in love with one of the sheep!

Next was Impa. "I, Impa the Shadow Sage, bestow the gift of wisdom upon thee." Then the Sheika gave our son another beautiful gift.

Helmholz: The wisdom to realize that Mary Sues are evil.

And last was Nabooru the Gerudo. She walked over to the cradle where our son was lying. She peered into the cradle and smiled at the little infant. "You truly look like your father." She said as she placed her hands on his small head. "I, Nabooru the Spirit Sage bestow the gift of compassion upon thee." Then the final gift was given.

Vance: Yes, pity your father, he's stuck with JennaMarySue forever now.

Next Princess Zelda came to bestow her personal gift. She gently placed her hands on our baby's head and gave him the most special gift "I Princess Zelda, bestow the most important gift of all, the gift of knowledge." I watched as her gentle hands begun to glow. Then an aura of white light surrounded the tiny baby as the gift of knowledge was given. Once completed the white aura faded and Rauru spoke once more. "With these gifts, Link the Second shall be guided through the valley of life." "He is truly one special child, a child of destiny." I held Link tight as I watched our little son get his final blessing. A tear of happiness ran down my cheek as I thought of what beautiful gifts were given to our special little son. Our son was truly a descendant of my "Hero of Time."

All: ... *simultaneous retching sounds to be heard*

After the blessing was complete our final place for Link Jr to receive a gift was from the Great Deku Tree. After some final words Link and I took our son and headed for Kokiri Forest. Saria came with us. Once we arrived at the Great Deku Tree he awoke from his slumber. "Ah Link and Jenna, I have been expecting thee." "Come and sit." As we sat down in the grass as little Link giggled and reached for a butterfly that fluttered near his head. "I see thou have had thy first born." "As promised I give thee a special gift." I watched as a small glowing light flew over to us. Then I noticed it was a fairy.

Vance: Oh goodie, now the fairies can have orgies.

"A fairy for our son, this is truly the best gift of all." I thought to myself. As the small blue fairy flew around our son, he giggled and tried to reached for her. "Hello." "My name is Aria." "Nice to meet you." The fairy said as she fluttered in a circle around our little son. I smiled as the young fairy played with Link Jr. Then as I looked into Link's eyes, he saw a tear run down my face as I smiled. "Our son truly is very special." " He's our little miracle." I laid my head on Link's shoulder as he stroked my right arm.

Stratski: Not the left, though, that one is dirty, dirty.

Our son was very special indeed, he was the son of a legend.

Vance: Yes, yes, we know. You've only said that thirty times already.

faultypremise @ 2006-12-25T16:04:00

2006-12-25T22:09:56Z

The Miracle

Stratski: What? This fic spontaneously combusts? WOO HOO! Now *that's* a miracle!

The next few days were hard on me, the dizziness became horrid

Stratski: You mean the ditziness?

and I started to feel sick. It got so bad that I had to rest in bed. Then came the false labor. The pains were so intense that I felt as if my whole body was in a vise. I couldn't get up out of bed without the pains making me feel like falling over.

Helmholz: Why do I get the impression she got all of her information straight ouf of a Harlequin romance novel?

Link had to care for me. I ate all of my meals in bed. And when it was time to bathe Link had to help me to the tub to wash me. It was hard, I felt helpless.

Vance: And she's oh so dependant on Link. *hand against forehead dramatically*
Stratski: It hut so bad.
Vance: Don't start speaking LQese, or I'll have to kill you.

But Link had told me that he was glad to care for me. I was going to give birth to our baby any day now. And he did not want to see me or the baby get hurt. Then a few nights later it happened.

Vance: The sky turned black!
Stratski: The seas boiled!
Helmholz: Cats and dogs began living together in harmony!

I woke up and rustled Link awake.

Helmholz: How do you rustle someone awake?
Vance: Let's rustle us up some grub instead!

"Link honey wake up, its time!" I was going into labor.

Vance: And we've been laboring to get through this fic, so quit your bitching.

"Grumble." "Go back to sleep." Link said as he rolled over. Then I shook him again. "Link, WAKE UP.....I'm going into labor!" I cried as I shook him. "Wha, What?!" "Oh my Goddesses, its time!" He jumped out of bed, grabbed his robe and went to get Navi and Lilly. As he opened the door, I heard him calling for our fairies. "LILLY, NAVI come quickly!" Link cried.

Vance: I would, too.

"What is the matter?" Navi asked. "Navi, you and Lilly must fly to the castle quickly, fetch Princess Zelda and the healer!" "Jenna's going into labor, its time!" " And please make haste." Link cried in urgency. "Lilly hurry, we must go!" Navi screeched. Then Lilly and Navi flew off to fetch Princess Zelda and the healer.

Helmholz: As opposed to flying off to fetch a few beers at the local pub, I suppose.
Vance: Can she repeat a few more times how they either need to or are flying to the castle to fetch Princess Zelda and the healer?

I didn't have long. The baby was on its way. I felt the contractions become less spaced apart. I hoped that Lilly and Navi would bring the healer here quickly. I tried to hold the baby back, but that was no longer any good after my water broke. "I cannot hold the baby back any longer, Link!" "My water just broke!"

Helmholz: *sigh* After the water breaks, it could be hours before the child is actually born. Cripes.
Vance: You said it, this is definitely Harlequin Romance material.
Stratski: What, you think Mary Sue should have a *hard* labor like most women do? Come on, guys.

"One way or another this baby is coming." I cried as my breathing became labored. "Just hang in there my love, Lilly and Navi will be back soon with

All: Princess Zelda and the healer.

Princess Zelda and the healer." Link was getting more concerned with each passing minute. Then a horse came plodding up to the front of the house and I heard voices. "Oh...my Goddesses.....they're.....finally here!" I said in between gasps of breath. Link ran out the door to hurry them along. Then a minute later he came back with the healer followed by Princess Zelda.

Vance: No, really? I just assumed the fairies would bring in the sheep instead.

"Princess, go get some pillows and blankets!" "And be quick about it." After Princess Zelda came back with the pillows, she put a pillow under my head and the blankets over and under my body. Then Link came to my side and held my hand.

Stratski: And now Zelda is turned into a midwife. God, the character assassination doesn't end with Link.

"Hurry the baby is coming!" I cried as the contractions became closer together. "You must breath slower." "Take a deep breath." " Now push!" The healer yelled. I felt the baby trying to come out but something was wrong.

Helmholz: Yeah, you're not dialated yet, you ninny.

"Push harder!" She called again "I'm pushing......as hard as I can,...DAMNIT!" I screamed. "Princess, do you see the head yet." "No, not yet!" Zelda cried. "Damnit....GIVE....me something, LINK...you did this to....me!"

Stratski: Uh, actually this was all your idea, sweetie.

"DAMNIT.....get this thing....out of me....NOW!" I cried as the pain got worse. I started to curse as the pain became more intense. "Damn YOU...Link!" I screamed as I looked up at him.(but afterwards I told him I was sorry.)

All: ... *crack up laughing*
Stratski: She just HAD to reassure her reading audience that she told him she was sorry, didn't she?
Vance: Sorry for the cursing, or sorry for this entire peice of nonsensical crap?

"You must calm down." Take deep breaths......thats it." "Princess anything yet?" "No, mistress something is wrong!" Zelda cried as she looked up. "What?!" The healer yelled as a look of pure shock cross her face. "The baby's head is not facing down!" Zelda cried again.

Helmholz: ... Well, obviously she knows as much about childbirth as she does sex.
Vance: So what exactly does it mean if the baby's head is not facing down?
Stratski: Don't give a serious answer to that, Helm.

With those words came our worst nightmare. My face went white as a sheet and so did Link's. At that moment I thought our baby was going to die. I started to cry as the thought of loosing our baby

Stratski: On the unsuspecting world?

looked evident. "We must act quickly!" "We have to get the baby's head turned!" The healer yelled as she prepared to go in and turn the baby's head.

Vance: She's coming in for the pitch!
Stratski: The last time she missed and let the opposite team score, can she get things turned around in time?

As Zelda and the healer worked quickly together

Vance: Looks like she's got a little help from the royalty...
Stratski: She shoots!

they managed to get the baby's head in the right direction.

Vance: She scores!

"We got the baby's head facing down now PUSH!" The healer cried again. "URAGH"

Helmholz: What the hell was that?
Stratski: Wow, I had no idea how to spell URAGH.
Vance: I wonder what it means? United Raging Agnst Girls Hentai?

I screamed as I pushed with every ounce of strength I had. "Mistress I see the head!" "Now hands, feet....."Then the next thing that I heard was music to my ears, a baby crying.

Stratski: I can guess why it's crying. I would too to realize my mother was JennaMarySue.

"Oh Goddesses.....congratulations its a boy!" Zelda cried. Tears of happiness ran down my cheeks as I squeezed Link's hand. Then Zelda took and wrapped the tiny baby in a blanket and gave him to me. I cried even more as I held the tiny miracle in my arms. "He looks just like you my love." I said softly as I looked up at Link.

Helmholz: Wet and wrinkly? I'd be insulted.

"We made this tiny miracle together." I laid my head against Link's chest as I looked at the baby's little face. "What shall we call him?" "Since he is a boy, and it was a son you wanted you pick the name my love." I said as I looked into Link's eyes. "Link the second he shall be called." Link said with pride. "After his own father." " Named after a legend." "Link Jr." I said softly.

Helmholz: Who predicted that?
Stratski: I can't remember now.
Vance: Gag me.

"Welcome into the world little Link." I laid there and held little Link in my arms. I now felt complete. I had Link. Now I had a son with him. This was the most beautiful gift Link gave me. He gave me......a miracle.

Helmholz: God, I think I not fully realize how delusional this girl is.
Stratski: That's not a miracle, that's an abomination.
Vance: I don't know about you guys, but I don't lucid dream about some chick having my baby.
Stratski: No, you just lucid dream about Helmholz.
Helmholz: *baps Stratski* Shush.

faultypremise @ 2006-12-25T11:39:00

2006-12-25T17:50:39Z

The Reunion

Vance: The title alone says 'Beware of Sap'.

Some time had past

Helmholz: Passed, you twit, it's *passed*.

since Link has left with the King's knights.

Stratski: The rules never said a bonded male couldn't be with other males, bonded or unbonded. Heh.
Vance: Since when did this become a yaoi fic?

He kept in touch via letters by carrier pigeon.

Helmholz: Truly incredible... carrier pigeons able to write letters.

In one of his last letters he said that there was talk of a peace treaty. And if that happened the war would end and he would be coming home. To pass the time I either spent my time at the castle with Zelda or in Kokiri Village with Saria. And when it was too much to bear I spent those days in my garden or tending the farm.

Vance: Sure... "tending" to the farm, indeed.

Most of the time passed easily, but there were days when I really missed him. And I was always awaiting for his next letter.

Stratski: Yeah, she just missed the nookie.

Then one day about four or five months later

Vance: So which is it, four or five?
Stratski: She's JennaMarySue, Vance, she doesn't have to keep track of time, she has the wildly out of character others she's lured into her story do these things for her so she can go on being the helpless, yet kickass heroine.

a message came in from Link that the peace treaty passed, the war was over and he would be coming home soon. I started to cry tears of happiness. Link was finally coming home. I had missed him sooo much.

Stratski: Sooo much.
Vance: I've hated this fic soooooooooooooooo much!

My husband was returning to me like he said. And there was nothing more important then that. Lilly and Navi had come to make their routine check on me. When they came I told them the good news. They were happy to hear that Link was coming home. I was glad that Lilly and Navi were here. I wouldn't have known what to do without them. They always made things brighter, and even helped the time go by faster.

Vance: Yeah... I'm sure it went by *real* fast. *snicker* So much for missing Link!

Even on the days when I got emotional from missing Link, they helped the sadness go away.
Though it was hard sleeping alone. Waking up and finding Link's side of the bed empty. At least I had Lilly and Navi to help me through it.

Stratski: Whoa... I knew it, fairy lesbianism saves the day!
Vance: This fic is just soooo diverse!

I was told that it was going to be about a week before the knights were to return to Hyrule. I could hardly wait. It was summer I was now nine months pregnant and to give birth soon. I did not want Link to miss the birth of our first baby.

Helmholz: *counting on his fingers, muttering to himself* Wait... she screwed him after a month, got married after two months, at five months with him she was two months pregnant and then he was away for four mon--
Vance: Four or five, she lost track of time.
Helmholz: Ok, for the sake of argument, we'll say five. That means... she can only be seven months pregnant, at the most, according to these calculations.
Vance: Don't forget, she was only two months pregnant at the bonding ceremony, which was in the Fall, though she was pregnant that summer and two months at that time.
Helmholz: My brain is about to explode, Vance.
Stratski: No one ever said JennaMarySue passed her basic math courses.

The week seemed to go by quickly. And the day Link was to come home drew near. I spent the last few days with Princess Zelda preparing a "Welcome Home" Celebration for our men returning home. And on the day they returned, everyone in Hyrule attended to welcome home our men.

Stratski: Ok, so they are preparing a welcome home celebration to welcome home the men who need welcoming home because they're coming home so let's welcome them home.
Vance: Would you knock it off with that?

The crowd was huge. Everyone had crowded into Hyrule market. I had even seen other wives waiting for their husbands. I had a hard time getting around. My stomach was big and when the baby kicked it took it out of me. So moving through the crowd was very difficult.

Stratski: Took what out of her?
Vance: Heh, kicking her legs out from under her?
Stratski: Hey, that's my kinda kid. Even it realize its mother is a ho.
Helmholz: Um... at nine months, the baby usually doesn't 'kick' as much because--
Vance: She can't do math, has no understanding of sex and you think she'll understand pregnancy?

As the knights begun walking through the Market Place I finally found a spot where I could see and awaited for Link.
I watched as different legions went through, none of them Link's. I felt his presence as I telepathically called to him. "Yes, my love." "I will be there soon." "I miss you too." He said to me in my mind. Then when the last legion came through I spotted my husband at the lead. My face grew bright as I called out to him.

Vance: I knew it, she's feverish!
Stratski: She's an alien.

As he passed by he smiled at me. At that moment I begun

Helmholz: We begun to cry, too, simply because she begun to cry. She's always begunning.

to cry, I was soo happy he was finally home. I could not wait to be in his arms again. It had been such a long time and I wanted to run to him and give him a hug. But I had some patience so I tried to wait.
The King was at the other end of the Market. He welcomed home each of the knights as they passed by. Some even got rewards for bravery. I watched from the street as the King welcomed home Link's legion. There was a long pause then the King called Link over to him. I watched to see if he was awarded anything.
There was a silence as the King produced a small red box. I moved in to get a closer look. When I got to the bottom of the stairs leading to the platform Link was on, the King noticed me and told me to join them. "Since you are this brave man's wife, you may join him up here."

Vance: Of course! Can't have Link get or do anything without the Mary Sue right there to share the glory!

As my eyes darted around the Market, I noticed all eyes were on me. I got nervous, and the King noticed that.

Vance: Yeah, cause you're waddling around like a duck.

"Come daughter,

Helmholz: Daughter? Zelda is the King's daughter, not you you slut.
Stratski: Ho!
Vance: Troooooollop!

join your husband up here commentate his bravery in the field of battle." My eyes darted around once more then I slowly made my way up the wooden stairs and to the platform where Link and the King were. At one point I almost tumbled, but the King caught me and helped me the rest of the way up. Then I took my place at Link's side. "This brave solder went above and beyond the call of duty, in the field of battle." "He risked his own life to save his men." "For that I award this brave man Link, The (8)Triforce of Valor."

All: *burst into song* 8 triforces of valor, 7 leaping wombs, 6 sheep a-hiding, 5 boooooondage bracelets! 4 raced threw mes, 3 tigress grunts, 2 lesbian fairies and a lamer named JennaMarySue! o/~

The King opened the box and held up a pin with a red bird behind the Triforce symbol. In one the bird's claws was a bundle of arrows and in the other was a lightning bolt. A small Purple Heart sat in the center of the Triforce symbol.
The King took the pin and placed it on Link's uniform. Then a loud cheering came from the crowd as Link turned to look over everyone. He waved a couple of times, then turned his attention to me. He took me into his arms and we kissed. More cheering came as we embraced. Then I looked into his eyes and a tear ran down my cheek. "I missed you soo much." "I'm soo glad that your finally home." I said softly. Then I placed a hand on my belly. "Our baby is going to be born soon." "I was told any day now." I took his hand and placed it on my stomach. "Do you feel the baby kicking?" I asked sweetly. After a minute he looked back up at me and smiled. "Yes, yes I can."

Vance: Let me out of this womb! Please! My GOD, she can't count or type or spell and I don't wanna be related to this woman!

At that moment his eyes seemed to glow, as happiness filled into them, and I knew that he was happy to be home. He took me into his arms again, and held me close. I noticed out of the corner of my eye that the King was smiling. He knew we were very happy together. Since Zelda had not yet married he at least had one daughter that wed.

Helmholz: Wait... she's not really a daughter. When did this leap come about?
Stratski: She's got her eyes on the throne, dude.

That made the King happy. Since we wed he had another heir to the throne. In the event that Princess Zelda does not take the throne, Link is next in line. Then I would become Queen.

Helmholz: ... I should have seen this one coming.

The King knew he was not getting any younger, but he felt at ease knowing there was another to be able to take the throne in the event that Zelda does not. Though this did not change Link and I, but we had to groom ourselves in the event that Link would become King and I Queen. I loved the King, he had become like a father to me.

Stratski: But he isn't your dad, you commoner ho.
Vance: Slut!
Helmholz: Trollop!

But I was in no hurry to become Queen. Though I knew that day may eventually come.

Helmholz: The probability of it happening just went up exponentially.

As Link and I walked through the street, the crowd cheered as we passed by. Link was very beloved by the people of Hyrule. Every one in Hyrule owed Link his or her life. He saved them all. But now they were glad that Link had taken a wife.

Stratski: Look, lady, Link is deserving of everyone's praise. You're nuttin' but a gold digger riding in on his coattails.
Vance: Wearing gold plated diapers during sex, even.
Helmholz: Vance, where do you come up with these things?

And when our baby was born, everyone in Hyrule will want to bless the baby of the "Hero of Time." Another to carry on in his/hers father's legend.
When we arrived back home all of the Kokiri were there to greet us along with or fairies Lilly and Navi. "Your finally home, I missed you Link." Navi squealed as she flew over to him. "You were really missed." As she flew around him her blue aura brightened. "I missed you too Navi." Link said as he smiled at her. "Jen and I really missed you to." Lilly said as she flew in front of me. "Link, hey LINK!"
A girls voice called from behind the crowd. Then Saria came running through the crowd and up to him. "I missed you a lot too Link." "How are you?" Saria said as her eyes lit up at the sight of him. "Were soo glad your home." "Jen spent a lot of time with us while you were away." Just then something caught her eye. "What is that on your uniform?" Saria asked as she gently fingered the pin on Link's uniform. "It's called the "Triforce of Valor." "The King awarded this to me for my bravery in the field of battle." Link said with pride. A loud "WOW" came from the crowd as Link showed everyone. "Oh Link, that is soo wonderful." "You must be so proud of him." Saria said as she looked at me. "Yes I am, but I'm just glad to have him home again." I said blushing. Then we had a small celebration to celebrate Link's return home.
We had a small feast, then we danced and drank.

Vance: Better avoid that alcohol, JennaMarySue!
Stratski: Oh pish, this is her fantasy, she can get drunk and that baby will still be perfect.

Then around Midnight everyone went home, and Link and I were left alone. We told Lilly and Navi that we were going to the pond out back to have a swim. The night air was warm, perfect for swimming. We went to our special little pond. Once there we took off our clothes and went into the cool water. We splashed and played around in the water for awhile. Then I looked into Link's eyes. They were glowing under the moonlight. I went into his arms, and felt his body against mine. Then he gently pressed his lips on mine kissing me deeply. It had been such a long time since we kissed like this. We kissed even deeper, our tongues finding their ways into each other's mouth. I felt his hands caressing my body, felt the connection between us growing stronger. I ran my hands down his back as he moved his lips to my neck. I felt his heart beginning to beat faster, heard his thoughts in my mind.
I wanted him soo bad. Wanted to feel him. It had been such a long time since we made love. I whispered in his ear that I wanted him. That I wanted to feel him. And I heard him in my mind, heard him say that he wanted me too. I felt the heat of our bodies, felt his hands touching me, felt them caressing my body. I started to breath faster, as my heart was beating in unison with his. Then I felt him quivering against me, as he slowly penetrated my awaiting body.

Stratski: ... But... isn't she...?
Helmholz: Try not to think about it and give Vance another barf bag, he's looking pretty green.

The intensity of it raced through my body, raced through my bones. It had been a long time since I felt this feeling. As we made love, I felt our connection become full. I felt as if our bodies merged. We became as one. Even more so when we both came to a full climax. I screamed out his name as I felt him release his essence deep inside me.
Then I put my lips to his long, sexy pointed ear and whispered words of passion to him, before sweetly licking and nibbling on it. I heard him moaning softly as I caressed his ear with my lips and his body with my hands. I was so glad to finally be in his arms again, to be able to feel him. I had longed for this day; Longed to make love to him. Now my dreams had come true. He was finally home.

Helmholz: I... can't even begin to point out how wrong this is.

faultypremise @ 2006-12-25T11:36:00

2006-12-25T17:40:34Z

The Separation

Stratski: *gasp!* The horror!

One day I was visiting with Princess Zelda at the castle when she got word from her father that a war had started in one of our allied lands. The King decided to send in some of his knights and one of the legions he was sending was Link's.

Vance: Whew. Finally, a reprieve for our poor hero.

My face turned white as a sheet. I knew that affairs like these could keep the men away for months.

Stratski: I don't get what's wrong. She's got her sheep.
Vance: And two horses. *snigger*

Since he was the captain of his legion he had to go. When Princess Zelda saw how upset I was she tried to comfort me, but I couldn't help thinking that Link might miss the birth of our first child.

Helmholz: Only if he's lucky.

When I explained my concerns to her, she told me that in the event if I was to give birth before Link was to return home, her father would have him brought home.

Helmholz: Right... I can see it now.
Vance: There he is, in the heat of battle, orcs around him, blood flying in roostertails!
Stratski: Suddenly, the scene breaks and a horse comes trotting in. The orcs stare at it dumbfoundedly.
Helmholz: Link looks up, 'Eh? Come on man, we're in the middle of a battle, what's so bloody important to disturb some good killing going on?'
Vance: Get your ass home, whipping boy! Yo' ho is letting the bun fly!

After she told me that I started to feel a little better, but it was the separation that was bothering me. I knew that spending such a great amount of time apart would be hard. I didn't want to get lonely. We had been together for five months

Helmholz: *counting on his fingers* Ok... let's see. They met, screw each other's brains out after a month, get married after three, and now she's two--
Vance: Oh she's more than two months pregnant, cripes. I told you, she's the kingdom trollop and that's not even Link's baby!

and married for two and never spent much of that time apart. "Would this long separation period stress me out?" I thought to myself. When I got home I was mopey. I knew Link would have to leave soon and then I was going to miss him. I wished that he did not have to leave.
When he came home, he delivered the bad news.

Stratski: Dear, I'm afraid we're going to have to divorce. See, it wasn't really me in that bonding ceremony, it was one of the sheep, disguised as me. So, I put the earring on it, packed my things and left the sheep in the bed. Bye!

He told me that he was going to have to leave in the morning.

Helmholz: That was short lived marriage.
Stratski: Tsk, those monks will have to make a new rule, no being alone in the presence of a farm animal without your mate there. It leads to divorce, separation and hybrid infants.
Vance: Ewww.

As I looked into his eyes tears begun to stream down my face. I did not know how I was going to cope with the separation. I went into his arms and cried into his chest.

Helmholz: Wow... she just peirced his chest with her crying!
Vance: A new Mary Sue power! Acid teardrops!

Link gently rocked me in his arms as I cried. He told me that he would be home as soon as the war was over. He also said he would write as often as possible. Though the one thing that sacred me was that something would happen to him and he would not return home to me. I expressed my concerns to him. "I do not want our baby to grow up without a father!" I said choking in between tears. "Do you remember the stories of my battle with Gannondorf?" Link asked. I nodded yes. "I survived that." "I'm standing here as living proof." "And a war cannot be worse then battling the King of Evil himself." "I'm a survivor, I will survive."

All: *break out into song* Oh no not I! I will survive! Oh, as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive.. o/~

With those words I looked deeply into his eyes and saw the determination in them. "Jenna my love, I will return to you." "Love will guide me back."

Stratski: More like Mary Sue's vivid imagination won't let him wander anywhere else.

He said as his eyes flickered with love and I knew then he meant want he said.
He took his hand and brushed away my tears. Then he bent his head down and kissed me. A mix of emotions raced through my mind. Some sad, some happy and some with fear. I felt like the world was crashing down on me. Like all of the bad things were happening at once. Though as I looked into his eyes I could tell that within my own heart, love will bring him back to me.

Vance: I feel a song coming on....

Just then Navi came flying into the room and saw that I was crying. She flew over to me concerned. "Jen, Link, where's Lilly and are you ok?" I looked at the blue fairy and tears begun to stream down my face again. "A war has started in one of our allied lands, and the King has decided to send in knights. Link's legion is one of them." I begun to choke on my tears as I held Link tightly.

Vance: She's choking! Just apply a little pressure Link and you'll be free!

"Oh honey, I'm sorry, that is bad news, but you remember Gannondorf right?" I nodded yes. "Well he put Link through a lot worse then this, and he's still here." "He loves you and he will come back to us." "He is going to be a father and that will not keep him away for long." Navi flew in front of me and her blue aura grew brighter. Her aura was always calming.
I looked into Link's eyes. His eyes were as beautiful and as sexy as ever. Still like deep blue pools of water. I just laid against his chest and enjoyed what time we had left. I did not know how long it was going to be before I was going to see him again. I thought to myself. "He loves me." "Love will guide him back home to me." "And that is all I need to remember."

Vance: Oh gag me. How much more of there is this?
Helmholz: We're not even halfway done.

faultypremise @ 2006-12-25T11:34:00

2006-12-25T17:37:29Z

A Few Loose Ends

Helmholz: There are way more than a few here.
Stratski: There's also quite a few screws loose.

I spent the next few weeks adding to our farm.

Stratski: The farmer in the dell, the farmer in the dell, hi HO the dairy-o, the farmer in the dell.
Vance: The farmer took a ho, the farmer took a ho, hi HO the dairy-o, the farmer took a ho.

Link started out by bringing home cuccos and a rooster, then I got two milk cows, a pig and four sheep.

Stratski: Three guesses what those sheep are for.
Vance: *snicker* Yeah... the rules never said you couldn't be in the presence of a sheep without your mate!

Link surprised me when he came home one day with a beautiful black stallion. Since we have a special connection with the royal family, the King himself had that horse bred especially for us.

Helmholz: This, of course, is so they can breed the horse with a... wait... I can't go any further with that joke.

We decided that since the stallion (whom we named Midnight Star.) was such a strong horse, we were going to bread him with Epona.

All: O_O
Stratski: Holy shit, I knew this fic was riddled with horse abuse but that's the lowest of the low!
Vance: Bread them and fry them and serve them with a white cream sauce?

We bred them for the first time just before their mating season was to end.
It was perfect timing, I only had seven more months until I was to give birth.

Helmholz: Hold on a second... she was two months pregnant in the summer, and they didn't go to the bonding ceremony until the fall and yet, she's still only two months pregnant?
Vance: This was predicted, Helm, why are you surprised?

The colt would be born not to long after I was to have my first-born. I knew each colt that was born would be strong and healthy. Perfect for each child that Link and I were going to have.

Vance: Gag me.
Helmholz: Her astounding dependence on a fictional character and this perfect life she's crafting with him smacks of severe psychological and self esteem problems.
Stratski: Come again?
Helmholz: She needs to see a shrink.

After we got all of the animals that we needed, I started a garden. I was going to grow a lot of the food we were going to eat.

Helmholz: Evidently the horses wouldn't last them very long then.

Though some of the meats and fruits were provided to us by the King. I grew most of the vegetables that were going to be used in meals. Each and every day I would tend to my garden. It was my pride and joy, next to being pregnant. Keeping it up was tough but fun.

Stratski: Link, your best bet at this time is to just keep her barefoot and pregnant.
Vance: Ugh. I don't want to know what she'll name that baby.
Stratski: Chances are, it'll be a Jr. Mary Sue here is heavily co-dependant.