An Honest Sockpuppet

Not sure where I should post this, if at all.

2009-01-04T20:07:59Z

The romantic tale of NJYoder and TigerWolf -- as seen on sf_drama!

There's no wank yet, but its writer is clearly hoping for one or both principals to notice it. I'd think C_W would be a good choice, but unfortunately, there will be just a little drama when that happens, followed by the story disappearing and the (obvious sock) account being suspended. And yet, because it has two infamous principals, I want to see it spread far and wide.

Suggestions?

footsie @ 2008-05-31T22:11:00

2008-06-01T05:13:49Z

From this point forward, if I ever have reason to refer to hypersurfaces, I will refer to her as shit_cauldron. I've stolen the name from a friend, who coined it as a reference to a different drama llama, but it really does fit perfectly. Apparently, con-crud with symptoms including vomiting was not the most disgusting thing to be found at WisCon.

Time for me to knock the dust off this thing...

2008-04-23T17:25:26Z

...because I know for damned sure I'm not the only one to make this mistake.

theferret is not the droid you're searching for.

theferrett is. Note the extra T.

I miss all the great parties.

2007-08-27T16:26:39Z

So, lol_meme is going down?

Can't say I'll miss it. These are the same people who were posting huge chunks of Chancery Stone's novel and daring her to complain about it... which she eventually did¹. These are the same people who, in an astounding display of kollective keyboard kourage, decided to treat one of my friends like shit for no better reason than "because we can." I'd love to say I sympathize with the memers, but I doubt I could stop myself from laughing while I said it.

Every time I've visited lol_meme, it's been a special kind of stupid -- almost magically inane. It's worse than television, which merely insults my intelligence. Lol_meme didn't insult my intelligence -- it kicked my intelligence in the nuts, curb-stomped it, violated it with a cactus, and left it for dead. This was my intelligence. Now it ded from lol_meme.

Zorro and Robin have been far more patient and indulgent than I would have been, and far more so than lol_meme deserves.

Yes, I've done my share of Chancery poking, myself. That was different. Mine was parody. I used only two or three direct quotes, given to me by a secret informant -- I didn't go plastering dozens of pages of it all over the place.

Fresh from the new cornfield!

2007-08-18T16:36:18Z

Dear Livejournal,

I just thought I'd let you know that I wholeheartedly approve of your recent decision to make Pepsi Max themes and virtual gifts. Personally, I think that people are overreacting, and that this is a great way to go -- it lets people who don't feel like coding announce their loyalty to their favorite fizzy brown soft drink. Certainly, I don't drink Mountain Dew (another Pepsi product) any more, but I'm not thinking of just myself, here, A lot of people are still slavishly devoted to Pepsi and its caffeine-y, sugary goodness! They can proudly display their allegiance to Pepsi, Pepsi gets extra exposure, you get extra ad revenue... it's a win-win-win situation!

May I recommend that you approach Enzyte for sponsorship, next? You can make a neat little tiled background of little blue pills, though I'd suggest fading the tile pattern to near-white so that black text on top of it is still legible. On second thought, I'm sure that the artistic souls over at Berkeley Premium Nutraceuticals would make it such a pretty tile pattern that we'd all be happy to use it even if it did make our text a little hard to read.

Just picture how cool this would be! You could embed a midi with that cute little jingle directly into the theme's journal code! Granted, the midi standard doesn't include whistling, but I'm sure that virtual flutes would come very close -- and hey, who wouldn't want to have a journal that plays that theme music for everyone who reads it? And if you felt like a little extra coding, you could put a banana in the top corner of the window, and each time the user used "Current Mood: Confident," it would make the banana a bit larger, until it was so big and impressive it took over half the screen!

And on the subject of mood themes? This would be really fun! Check this out:

Current Mood: confident

And if I didn't feel so confident, I could go with any of the other moods available in that drop-box, such as...

Current Mood: irate

Current Mood: lethargic

Current Mood: worried

Current Mood: stressed

Current Mood: envious

Current Mood: numb

Current Mood: depressed

I think you should give this some thought. After all, millions and millions of people already drink Pepsi; by making a Pepsi Max theme, you're preaching to the choir. Pepsi products have already saturated the market, and what market remains untapped is being firmly held by Coca Cola -- and is therefore likely to remain out of Pepsi's reach. On the other hand, lots of men out there haven't tried Enzyte -- or for that matter, any form of penis enlargement at all! It's practically an untapped market!

Sincerely,
footsie

Somebody help me out?

2007-03-28T01:57:06Z

I need a picture of Cassie Claire and a pirate copy of photoshop, STAT!

This one's for you, coflower!

2007-02-25T06:43:47Z

Sammich, sammich, sammich, sammich, sammich, sammich, sammich, sammich,
sammich, sammich, sammich, sammich, MUSHROOM, MUSHROOM!

Sammich, sammich, sammich, sammich, sammich, sammich, sammich, sammich,
sammich, sammich, sammich, sammich, MUSHROOM, MUSHROOM!

Sammich, sammich, sammich, sammich, sammich, sammich, sammich, sammich,
sammich, sammich, sammich, sammich, Look: Coflower is a...

Cuuuuunt, cuuuuunt, saaaammichy cunt!

(And it's)
Sammich, sammich, sammich, sammich, sammich, sammich, sammich, sammich,
sammich, sammich, sammich, sammich, MUSHROOM, MUSHROOM!

...

Sammiches are wonderful, sammiches are fine,
I love sammiches, I eat 'em all the time,
I eat them for my supper and I eat them for my lunch;
If I had a hundred sammiches, I'd eat them all at once!

...

Buying bread from a man in Brussels.
He was six foot four and full of muscles.
I said, do you speak-a my language?
He just smiled and gave me a vegemite SAMMICH!

And now, it's time for everyone's favorite party game, NAME THAT TOOL!

2007-02-11T15:57:07Z

This game will go for three rounds, with each round worth one point. Ready?

Round one: "I am a thin piece of metal with a hexagonal cross section and a right angle bend. I fit snugly into a bolt which has a hexgonal hole in it, where, by benefit of mechanical advantage, I make it a hundred times easier to turn said bolt. Who am I?"

(Audience shouts in unison: "NAME THAT TOOL!")

Round two: "I am a broad sheet of metal with lots and lots of tiny little teeth. I'm quite good at cutting wood, and if you flex me in just the right way, or hit me with soft hammers, I make very interesting sounds. (I have musical aspirations, too.) Who am I?"

(Audience shouts in unison: "NAME THAT TOOL!")

Round three: "I think rape is a great thing -- after all, ugly women need lovin', too. Also, I think that fathers are horribly slighted by a woman's 'right to choose.' Hell, I think women should go back into the kitchen, and I'm angry that no woman has ever made me some pie yet. But hey, as unfair as it is that I can't get any, at least I have moronic editorial staff who will stand behind me no matter how much of a dumbass I'm being. Who am I?"

(Audience shouts in unison, much angrier this time, some of them holding up nooses: "NAME THAT TOOL!")

Yes, I'm still trying to catch up on all the wank I've missed. One of my colleagues is on vacation at the moment, so I've been at work more, and missing my wank fix.

LOL dumbass!

2007-01-16T08:47:16Z

Hey, check out THIS dumbshit!

For the link-phobic: kid hands in his CIS homework on a CD, kid realizes that he just handed his professor his kiddie-porn collection, kid tries to get it back from professor and fails (both the course, and at life in general), kid becomes internet famous like whoa...

I can't help this nagging suspicion that this is all a hoax -- it's just too beautifully scripted to be real. But still, "LOL dumbass!"

(Hey, guys, whadaya think? Fandom Lounge material, or not?)

Public Service Announcement

2007-01-13T03:30:38Z

Metalocalypse is the sh♫~!

No, seriously, it is. It totally f♫~ing rules!

Started a new book... DAMMIT!

2006-12-24T20:11:31Z

I just picked up Octavia Butler's last book, Fledgling, in paperback. I'm now about 70 pages into it, and I want to finish it... but I'm at work.

AAAAAARRRRGGHH!!!!!!!!

I swear...

2006-12-23T18:06:35Z

If I see one more lame post in customers_suck that involves "FISHSTICKS! I WIN!" I have this brand-new NSFW icon I'm dying to break in.

Public Service Announcement

2006-12-01T06:58:48Z

I've fucked the entire Swedish Bikini Team, and all the Rockettes. I have a ten inch dick, lots of muscles, and I do modeling, which has made me fabulously wealthy. Oh, and I have a PhD in Biochemistry, and I'm working on another in Physics. Oh, and despite my raging libido, modeling schedule, and academic excess, I have enough free time to participate in all the festivities that JournalFen has to offer, ~~and I'll thank you all not to notice that I've been away from JournalFen for days at a time for the past couple of weeks.~~

I just thought you all should know. I would have posted this sooner, but I completely missed out on the whole figgy mess because I was ~~working my ass off in my techie-retail job~~ drawing theoretical calculus equations in lines of coke and snorting them off Halle Berry's ass.

Icons!

2006-11-07T18:39:30Z

This is another one of those "lemme ask a few mods if these icons go too far" posts. Any icons that make the cut will be posted in fwank_icons later. Any that don't make the cut will stay here, though I'll still link to them in the icons post (with warnings about where they can and can't be used).

Buttsex: the original version, and the (slightly) kinder, gentler version...

A twist on the "Professional Virgin" icons...

And a preview of Blowdart the Love Icon...

...which is currently in several 100x100 pieces, waiting for a friend of mine to stitch them together.

I'm desperate for apples, mang. Ya got any more?

2006-10-25T03:26:13Z

I just finished Vol. 7 of Death Note.

Apparently, there are still five more volumes in the series, as well as an "all about" for the series. And not a fucking one of them has been published in English. I mean, sure, Vol. 8 will be out in two weeks, but then I'll have torn through it in a half-hour, and then I'll be fiending again!

Ghaaaaaaaah!

Giggling like a schoolboy

2006-10-17T05:05:03Z

Blowdart, the love chicken.

(Half a minute of giggling later...)

Blowdart, the Love Chicken!

(Still more giggling.)

BLOWDART, THE LOVE CHICKEN!

(Falls on the floor in peals of laughter.)

I'm sure I only find this so funny because mentally I'm a ten-year-old, but BLOWDART THE LOVE CHICKEN!

Okay, seriously. Claiming to be an ex-convict who liked getting ass-fucked in prison? What the shit? I'd normally say he's gotta be trolling, but on a website like this one, who the fuck does he think he's going to shock? This has GOT to be a joke!

(Chortles.)

Blowdart, the Love Chicken!

Focus Group Time!

2006-07-19T04:39:25Z

For those of you who've been on F_W longer than I have: is this icon okay, or would it be considered too explicit?

Singular Achievements In Voice Acting

2006-04-30T01:56:02Z

Welcome to the first annual SAIVA Awards, inspired by this wank here!

Now, I understand that in award shows like this, I'm supposed to let celebrities introduce the categories, let them take the piss out of each other, and blah blah dee fucking blah, but I decided that can't be arsed, so I'm just going to skip all that shit, and get straight to the Awards.

The "Noble But Stupidly Thickheadedly Persistent" Awards:

Second Place: bluecove. Went to considerable trouble, as an anonymouse, to give Grant excellent detailed instructions on how to improve his life and his chances of realizing his dreams. Was soundly ignored by Grant, even as the other meanies commented on how kind she was to waste so much time on Grant. (She admitted that she was the mouse later, and was quite annoyed that he ignored her advice.)

First Place: issendai. A very nice girl, who clearly needs to find a more rewarding cause. Maybe she should take up writing letters to Exxon, asking them to reduce the pay and golden parachutes of their top executives so that we're not gouged so badly at the pumps -- she'd succeed at that long before Grant will show any signs of improvement.

The "Says The Same Shit Over And Fucking Over" Awards:

Second Place: grantm1. "I wanna ba a VA." "I wanna be a VA." "Why can't I be a VA?" "I wanna be a VA." "I'm gonna be a VA." "Why can't I be a VA?" "I wanna ba a VA." "I wanna be a VA." We get it already! Quit yapping about it and DO SOMETHING!

First Place: penfy. This stupid, lazy jackass has a Notepad window open with the phrase "<B>GRANT, YOU'RE NOT WELL. YOU NEED PSYCHIATRIC HELP!</B>" typed into it. As a result, it only takes him six mouse-clicks to post the comment "GRANT, YOU'RE NOT WELL. YOU NEED PSYCHIATRIC HELP" in grantm1's LJ, in bold. He has devoted at least three hundred mouse-clicks to this diversion... you know, just in case Grant failed to see it the first ten times he posted it. I hear his poor abused mouse is plotting to kill him in his sleep...

The "Biggest Fucking Loser On The God-Damned Planet" Awards:

Second Place: Everyone who hassles Grant in his LJ. Stop feeding the attention whore, you fucking morons! Can't you fucktards see that's what he wants? A guy comes to your house, says "help me, I'm a masochist," and you just break out the whips and chains, and a year later you complain that he keeps coming back! Just. Fucking. STOP IT!

First Place: grantm1. From his obsession with the perceived perks of being a voice actor (with no appreciation for what voice acting entails) to his insistence on having a physically beautiful girlfriend (when he has no beauty of his own, physical or otherwise, to offer her), to his ability to drive people away from him in droves, Grant was a shoe-in. But it's not his fault. He's an Aspie. Just ask him, he'll tell you. In fact, don't ask him. Just wait for him to say something offensive, and he'll tell you with no prompting at all.

(Cross-posted to my LJ, under friendslock. If I've friended you at JF and you want to be friended over at my LJ, just ask.)

Yes. I have finally snapped.

2006-03-28T21:15:18Z

I'm trying to be nice about this, but Hellfire's relationship with her dad and her psychotic fear of Moslems, as seen here, here, and here if you want to go back that far, are finally starting to break my brain. I am seriously sick of hearing about it! Ghhhaaaaaa! She's turned into Paris fucking Hilton -- I don't hate Paris Hilton, but I'm damned sick of hearing about her, and all those people who HATE HER HATE HER HATE HER OMFGWTFBBQ I HATE THAT CUNTY LITTLE HOR!!!111 are as much to blame for her continuing notoriety as she herself is! And now Hellfire is just as bad!

(To the tune of one of those songs from the Rocky Horror Picture Show:)

"I was just fifteen years old!
Truly beautiful to behold!
And yes I know that I have been told!
That my father was far too bold!

And the only thing I've come to trust
is that those Ay-rabs should be smashed to dust.
Rose tints my world,
Keeps me safe while I'm fucking my dad!"

(To the tune of the Can-Can:)

"DUN! DUN! Dun-dun-dun-dun-
DUN! DUN! Dun-dun-dun-dun-
DUN! DUN! Dun-dun-dun-dun-
DUN-and-Hell-fire-fucked-her-dad-dy!

DUN! DUN! Dun-dun-dun-dun-
DUN! DUN! Dun-dun-dun-dun-
DUN! DUN! Dun-dun-dun-dun-
DUN-she-fucked-her-dad!"

(To the tune of the Addams Family Theme:)

"SHE FUCKED HER DAD!" (Snap, snap!)
"SHE FUCKED HER DAD!" (Snap, snap!)
"SHE FUCKED HER DAD,
SHE FUCKED HER DAD,
SHE FUCKED HER DAD!" (Snap, snap!)

"They're nasty and disturbin',
and very much perturbin',
they don't like dudes in turbins,
It's Hellfire's family!"

It's in my brain! AAAAAAAAAAH! Make it stop, make it stop!

(And the Trogdor runs like a scared little girl in the night!)

Hello...!

2006-02-18T18:05:11Z

I just noticed a new name snuck into my "friends of" list.

Well, probably not new. I don't know exactly when you snuck in -- obviously, if I knew that, you wouldn't have done a very good job of sneaking in!

Anyway, I've friended you back, but just so you know, I practically never update this thing -- I use it mostly to participate in Fandom Wank. If you still care to friend me, and you're actually looking for... you know, content... I keep that over at my LJ.

Fine footware

2005-07-07T09:37:35Z

Hi. I'm footsie. The guy with his hand up my ass is a member of GAFF.

Don't mind me. I'm just here to keep up with Fandom Wank.