Right, I finally got around to sporking this... rubbish. So here we go.

Chapter Ten

Plans
I dislike ominous titles. They usually involve things that will make me want to physically harm this author.

Suddenly the Snitch turned and so did Jamie as Bancoft maintained power over her broom.
Does... does that sound like a horrible porn description to anyone else?

The speed was increasing.
Anyone? No? I blame Rose Potter...

Jamie yelled at Bancroft as they followed the Snitch on a path that would have them collide with one of the viewing towers.
You die already? This is getting good.

Faster and faster they sped. Was he crazy?
Probably the only sane person here, love.

They were going to hit the tower. At the speed they were traveling they would certainly both be killed.
Right! Short fic, I can just kick back my feet and...

As they got closer and closer to the tower, Jamie realized she was wrong they wouldn’t both be killed. Bancroft would barely brush the side of the tower. She would be the only one killed.
Even better! Where's my popcorn?


Caitlin and Amanda watched in anguish as the two players came closer and closer to the tower.

Hermione clung to Harry. “Harry do something; she’s going to be killed.”
My Hermione, what utter panic I detect in your voice.

Harry looked at her helplessly. “There’s nothing I’m able to do, not from here. If only….”
"... I wasn't such a git in this fanfic..."

Suddenly a Bludger hit Bancroft from behind so solidly that he was almost toppled from his broom. He struggled to maintain his balance, but his concentration on Jamie’s broom was broken.
Pity, that.

Jamie had been fighting to regain control and suddenly she had it. Just a few meters
METRES. How hard can it be to use the bloody spelling of the original book? THIS IS AN ENGLISH BOOK, USE ENGLISH SPELLINGS. THANK YOU VERY BLOODY WELL MUCH.

away from the tower both the Snitch and Jamie went into a dive. As she hurtled toward the ground Jamie realized she was still in a dilemma. She had absolutely no room to maneuver.
Yawn. Wake me when this is over.

She obviously couldn’t break the dive by going forward because of the tower just meters away. Turning to her left or right was also out of the question because both those options involved some forward movement; more than her proximity to tower would allow.
I know this is supposed to be dramatic and all, but isn't she one of the main characters? Unless a real author is writing this - and not some Sue-happy bint - then no main characters will ever die. Ever. They will perform the single most spectacular manoeuvre that'll make a Deus ex Machina look like a genius bit of writing. Ugh. Please, authors, if you're going to try and put in suspense, at least make sure that the audience knows that you have no qualms about killing your characters.

Jamie had to do a backward flip, something she had never done before and didn’t even know if it was possible to do especially at this speed.
Then don't try! Keep going forwards! PLEASE!

The wind billowed through the sleeves of her robes as she clung to her broom. She felt her long hair actually brush the ground as she struggled to regain an upright position. Just when she thought she would succeed, she lost her grip and went tumbling across the green pitch.
Once again, yawn. I didn't notice anything about bones breaking.

The crowd was all on their feet. Hermione held her hands to her face in horror. “Oh my God!”
"You killed Jamie! YOU BASTARDS!"

Momentarily Jamie just laid there as the multitude looked on in dismay. Then she got to her knees and waved. “She’s okay!” Caitlin screamed.
Yaaay, she survived! Let us all dance in happy joy relief now because she is completely unharmed! YAAAY. [/deadpan]

Suddenly Jamie jumped to her feet and pulled her arm tightly to her side. Slowly and very carefully she reached her right arm into her left sleeve and pulled out the Snitch.
What? She performed a seemingly death-defying and impossible manoevure and came out of it with the snitch detained in some part of her clothing or body? My, how original! By golly, we have never seen this before! Except SHE IS UNHARMED. Where's the road rash? The bruises? I WANT BROKEN RIBS!

As Jamie waved the Snitch in the air, Jason Turner declared Gryffindor the winner.

Harry just looked at Hermione and shook his head in astonishment. “I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes. She just did a Plumpton Pass upside down coming out of that incredible dive. That’s inconceivable!”
Then Harry's face turned grim, and he reached for his wand. Anything that inconceivable must mean only one thing. A Sue had found its way across the borders of the dimensions into this world again. He knew what needed to be done.

Hermione smiled at Harry, “No that’s Jamie Zacherley.”
Mary Sue? What?

The balance of the team
All hail the mighty scale, Justacia! The Balance of the Gryffindor team!

landed to congratulate Jamie as Amanda and Caitlin ran onto the field.
Balance: For superior weighting of your moves and a commitment to equality of play, I congratulate you!

“Jamie!” Amanada yelled. “What happened? Why did you and Bancroft keep flying so close to each other and directly at that tower?”
Jamie: Because I realised that I was a Sue, and I needed to end it all!

“He used some sort of Dark Magic. I had no control of my broom,” Jamie said, her heart still pounding madly. “I have no idea what caused him to break the spell, but if he hadn’t; I would have been killed.”
(sweetly)This isn't ripped from the first book or anything! Heavens no!

Alex answered her question. “He got hit by a Bludger. Almost knock the prat off his broom. Wish it had.”
HURHURHUR WE ARE BRITISH, COMPLETELY IGNORE THE SPELLINGS PLEASE.

Jamie looked at Alex and threw her arms around his shoulders. “My hero! Told you that I didn’t have to watch my back as long as I had you as a Beater.”
Jamie: And now, in the vein of Rose Potter, I shall give you lots of badly-described sex!

“Believe me, I’d love to take the credit for hitting that jerk, but it wasn’t me.” Alex indicated Tony Marburger the Slytherin Beater. “Marburger threw it, and I don’t think it was an accident.”
... Threw it? HE THREW A BLUDGER? Fuck these bints, he needs a medal! Do you know how ridiculously strong you'd have to be to CATCH a bludger in play and THROW IT? I want him on my team!

As the Gryffindors celebrated their victory the Slytherin team entered the locker room.

Dick Bancroft disgustingly spoke first,
Dear-heart, learn how to type descriptions of actions. It makes you look like a [more] pathetic author.

“I know you meant well by throwing that Bludger at Zacherley, but I wish you hadn’t. I had everything under control. If the collision with that tower hadn’t killed her the fall to the ground would have definitely done the trick.”
Unless someone, you know, used a levitation charm. Which they can do. Asshat.

Tony just looked at Dick. “This is our fourth year playing Quidditch together. When have you known me to miss my target with a Bludger at a range as close as I was to the two of you?”
Oooooh, SCANDALOUS!

Bancroft’s face looked like it would explode with rage. “You bastard! You threw that Bludger at me in order to save that Gryffindor bitch.
Let's have some applause for Sherlock Holmes here!

You’re no Slytherin! The Sorting Hat certainly screwed up when it placed you. We may be stuck with you in our house, but you’re off this team as of right now.”

“I have absolutely no problem with that!” Marburger shouted. “I joined this team to play Quidditch not to murder innocent people. Or have you forgotten that this is supposed to be a game? What is your problem with Zacherley anyway? I think she’s a great person.”
I'm torn. My morals tell me to root for Marburger (ridiculous bloody name), but my hatred for Sues tells me to root for Bancroft.

“Oh! Now it becomes crystal clear.” Bancroft said as he eyed the balance of the team that was listening to the conversation in silence. “Marburger here is smitten with Zacherley; wants to get in her pants.”
Of course he does, she's a Sue!

“I want to do no such thing,” Tony said, adamantly. “It’s just that I don’t understand the problem you have with her. She’d even save your arse if it were in trouble.
Haha, bullshit. Sues save no one. Oh, and once again: LOOK WE ARE SO BRITISH.

Why should I hate her just because she is in Gryffindor? Last winter she didn’t hesitate to save my sister because I was a Slytherin. I noticed you didn’t get your feet wet.”
Oooooh, look at the mud slinging.

Doris Burke, the other female on the Slytherin team, pulled the players to a corner as Marburger and Bancroft continued arguing.

Bancroft ignored this comment. “Zacherley is an idiot. Almost killed herself saving a toy baby doll.”
I agree. On principle.

“Well, in my opinion the world would be a lot better off if it had a lot more Jamie Zacherleys and a lot less bigoted types like you. I’m out of here.”
Ooooooh, 'bigoted'! Look at the term slinging! I'm rooting for Bancroft already.

As Tony headed toward the door, Doris rushed over and stopped him. “Don’t go anywhere Tony. This team is composed of seven players. Dick doesn’t speak for all of us. We want you on the team.”
Let's band together and act noble!

Bancroft stared angrily at Doris. “It doesn’t matter what you want. I’m the team captain and I pick the players.”

“Your right, the captain picks the players, but the players pick the captain. You are no longer the Slytherin captain.”

“You can’t do that! The whole team gets to vote. I get a vote.”

“You can have your vote, but it won’t change the outcome. I was just made captain by a vote of four to one. No matter how you or Tony votes, it won’t change that. As captain, I say Tony stays.”
I feel sorry for Bancroft. This seems like Sue-engineered hatred of a character who was clearly made to be a Malfoy substitute so that the author could take out their frustrations on him. Bastard.

“Well, if that turn coat stays, you can find yourselves a new Seeker because I quit.” Bancroft snarled vehemently.

Doris looked Dick straight in the eyes. “Dick, you’re a good Seeker and we don’t want you to leave, but that’s your choice.”
I thought you just voted him off? For, y'know, ATTEMPTING MURDER.

Doris: Hey Dick, we can't dare have you as our captain with you attempting murder and all, but we all really like you and want you as our Seeker, which is why we voted you off of being captain! Oh, and we won't report you for trying to kill her or anything, of course not.

This fic makes me sick to my stomach.

Bancroft threw his Quidditch robes of the floor as he stormed out of the locker room. “You losers won’t win a single game this season without me.”
Damn skippy, they won't.

Doris Burke looked at her teammates. “We do have a tough road ahead of us. Our first challenge is to find a new Seeker, and fast.”

* * * * * *



Amanda had gone to the Gryffindor girls’ locker room to discuss the Halloween party with Jamie. As she left to return to the dorm where homework awaited her, she saw Alex sitting in the corner of the team room. “Jamie isn’t ready yet. That long hair takes forever to dry. Everyone else has left. She told me to send you in if you were still waiting.”
Oh God no.

Alex looked at Amanda, “Is she…?
Nononononono...

“As naked as the day she was born. But you’re accustomed to seeing her that way.”
AAAUUUUGH!

As Amanda scooted off, Alex slowly open the door to the locker room. I don’t understand why lately this bothers me so much. Since first year I’ve seen Jamie nude over a hundred times.
-sputters- FIRST YEAR? THAT'S SICK!

It was no big deal; actually I had gotten so comfortable with it that I didn’t even take notice when she first started to develop. But lately its different, something has changed.
I'm disgusted now. They're called BREASTS you prag.

As soon as Alex entered the room, he spotted her sitting on a bench brushing her hair. He couldn’t get over how beautiful she was or how much she had changed since that first time he saw her nude in the spring of their first year.
Nyurrrrrrrgh.

It was a beautiful day. It was quite warm for early May. The sky was a bright blue with nary a cloud present. The three of them had spent most of the day outside enjoying the unseasonable weather. Unfortunately Amanda had to return to Gryffindor tower to complete a Transfiguration essay that she had put off for weeks.
Start flashback sequence. This is going to be the first time he sees her nude, and I'm going to be sick.

Since there were no classes on a Sunday, they had left their robes inside and were dressed comfortably. Alex had on a pair of jeans and a tee shirt and Jamie was wearing a cut off top and a pair of white short shorts. Alex had noted to himself that her lack of clothing really accentuated the fact that Jamie was quite thin.
Yay, anorexia! This author is pathetic, really.

They had been walking quite awhile when they decide to take a brief rest under some trees near the Quidditch changing rooms. They both plopped down facing each other with their backs against tree trunks. Jamie, Amanda and Alex had grown to be quite close friends. Because she was a girl, Jamie tended to share more with Amanda, but she loved and trusted Alex just as much. They were both enjoying this time alone together.
Yup, time alone tends to lead to hanky panky. How old are these two again?

As they were talking Jamie stretched as if reaching for the sky and yawned. As she did this, her top rode up exposing her….
Manly chest? At which point Alex realised that she was the author incarnate, and ran for his life?

Well, there wasn’t really anything to expose, but Alex looked away anyway. As his eyes looked down he saw that the crotch of Jamie’s shorts was red with blood.
INITIATE OVERREACTION!

Frantically he yelled, “Jamie, you’re bleeding. There’s blood on your shorts.”
Once again with the deadpan yelling. JAMIE. YOU ARE BLEEDING. THERE IS BLOOD ON YOUR SHORTS. Exclamation marks must have taken the day off.

Jamie looked down at her shorts and Alex thought he heard her swear. If she did, it was certainly out of character because Jamie never swore.
Tee-hee, isn't she just so perfect? -gag-

Now Jamie looked at Alex hoping he could deal with what she was about to say. “Alex, it’s my menstrual period. It’s my first time. I’m going to need some help from you.”
I feel his pain, I really do.

Alex looked at her dumb founded. “What can I do?”
Run for your life?

Jamie looked around in a near panic. She certainly didn’t want anyone to see her like this. How could she get to her dorm? “Alex lets see if the changing rooms are open.”
If this leads to anything resembling a sex scene, I am going to throw up on my keyboard.

She led the way as they hurried to try the door. Jamie was relieved as it opened and they entered the common area. Jamie was familiar with the room because she was on the Gryffindor team, but Alex had never seen it before. The ceiling and walls were draped with banners from all four houses. There were doors on either side of the room, but Jamie led him through the one on the left. The room they entered had chairs and a chalkboard where the teams had meetings and discussed strategy before a game. On the far side of this room were two doors. One door was marked boy’s locker room and the other girls. Alex hesitated as Jamie urged him into the room marked girls.
So going to turn into a sex scene.

“Alex, I need you to run back to the castle. Amanda should either be in the common room or in our dorm. Get her alone and tell her that I’ve finally gotten my period. I need my robes and the box of tampons in my top dresser drawer. Please cover the tampons with the robes so no one sees them.”
-whimpers-

“These are my favorite shorts. I’m going to try to get the blood out of them and take a shower. Please hurry back!”
And with that, Alex nodded and ran. Far away.

Alex simply said, “I’ll be back as soon as possible.”
HE LIES.

He ran all the way to the castle and through the halls to Gryffindor tower thankful that Jamie made him get up in the morning to workout with Professor Granger. Upon entering the common room he saw Amanda seated alone at a table just inside the door.
He panicked and babbled to her, trying to inform her of what just happened, and frothed at the mouth and passed out.

He quickly informed her of the situation before she lead him up to the first year girls’ dorm. After checking that no one was inside, she pulled him in behind her. “Seems like you’re getting an education on the workings of the female body.” She said, seemingly amused.
Erm, are we ignoring the sliding staircase? CANON HEAVENS NO WHAT IS THAT?

Alex didn’t smile. “I have to get back to Jamie.”
So that we can have PERIODSEX.

Amanda grabbed Jamie’s robes from the hook on the side of her bed and then went to the dresser. She pulled out a blue box and handed it to Alex.

Suddenly Alex remembered that Jamie was washing her shorts and probably her knickers as well. “She’ll need pants and knickers, also.”
SO BRITISH. WE'LL IGNORE THAT 'PANTS' ALSO CORRESPONDS TO UNDERWEAR BUT HEY THE AUTHOR CAN DO NO WRONG.

Amanada looked in Jamie’s lower drawer and pulled out a pair of jeans. She then pretended to look for knickers. “Her knickers must all be in the wash.”
KNICKERS KNICKERS KNICKERS LOOK HOW BRITISH WE ARE!

Alex seemed confused as to what he should do. Then just said, “I have to hurry, she’s waiting.”
I'm going to regret doing this chapter.

As Alex ran out of the dorm, Amanda thought to herself, ‘I think this may be the day Jamie revels her secret to him.’
That she's a Mary Sue, come to take over the universe?

Except for slowing down as he passed Professor Snape at the castle entrance,
As everyone should...

Alex ran all the way back to the Quidditch changing rooms. He lightly knocked on the locker room door. “Jamie, it’s me, Alex.”

Alex slowing opened the door, not knowing quite what to expect. A girl wrapped in a towel greeted him. It was a quite small towel that barely covered all it had to cover.
I thought she was scrawny? Unless the showers don't give students proper towels, because they encourage lesiban sex.

“Thank you Alex. I don’t know what I would have done without you. Can you get out one of those for me?”

Alex carefully opened the box and then hesitated. “What color do you want; purple, green or yellow?”
-spurts drink all over his desk-

Jamie was now the hesitant one. “They come in different colors?”
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA

Alex studied the box. “If this helps any, green is super, yellow is regular and purple is lites.”
HAHAHAHAHAHA -gasp- HAHAHAHAHA! Oh boy, that was good.

Jamie’s whole body had a red glow.
Cap'n, she cannae take any more!

“I don’t know what I’m doing Alex. Mum sent me those is case I got my period while at Hogwarts, but she didn’t explain exactly what do with them. Give me a green one, I guess.”
Such a considerate mother.

Alex handed one of the green printed Tampax to Jamie. He seemed to be being quite careful that it didn’t bite him. Jamie just looked at it with sort of a ‘now what’ expression on her face.
Oh. No.

As brilliant as Jamie was, obviously no one had ever shown her how to use one of these things. Alex had no idea either, but knew he had to help her.
No God no I swear

He removed another one from the box and after studying it removed the wrapper.
again and I'll always

He handled it a few minutes before discovering the secret.
I swear please just

His face turned a bright red as he showed Jamie how it worked.
make it stop!

Without saying a word Jamie handed the wrapped Tampax to Alex and took the open one with her to the nearest stall.
-inhales-

A few moments later she exited and after washing her hands came over any gave Alex a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you. If you hadn’t been here, I would have put it in wrapper and all. Alex, Please sit down. I have to talk to you.”
Oh thank God, no sex! THANK YOU GOD!

Alex sat down on a bench and Jamie seated herself on one about four feet directly across from him. As Jamie sat down, Alex struggled to keep eye contact. He couldn’t see how it would be possible for her to sit in that towel without something showing.
NYYYYYRRRRRGH CURSE YOU AUTHOR!

“Alex, you and I are best friends. In ways we are even closer than Amanda and I are and yet she knows things about me that you don’t. Things you should know. Things that I haven’t told you simply because you’re a boy and that’s wrong.”
KEEP IT THAT WAY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THERE ARE THINGS HE DOESN'T WANT TO KNOW!

Alex sat there in bewildered silence as Jamie told him about her parents and how they had meet in one of Voldemort’s prison camps and fallen in love.
IT'S JUST oh. That's not so bad.

She told him how her parents had realized they had so much in common,
Pretty normal actually.

one thing being that they were both nudists.
Completely nor-- wait. What? AUUUUGHAJADGKJASGDJKASHFKJLAHSDKLAGLKGJAG -froths at the mouth-

Alex just sat and shook his head as he was told that she never wore clothes at home and that if it were allowed she would always be naked, even here at Hogwarts except when extremely cold weather prohibited it.
I HATE YOU FOREVER AUTHOR DO YOU HEAR ME I WILL

He sat there a few moments before asking, “If you were at home you wouldn’t be wrapped in a towel? If I came to your house you would greet me at the door naked?”
PITS OF THE FIREY ABYSS FOREVER

"No and yes.” Suddenly, Jamie broke into a huge smile. “Alex is it that you don’t believe me or that you’ve never seen a naked girl; you haven’t, have you?”
THIS PURILE FUCK I CANNOT SEE FOR MY BLINDING BLOOD RAGE

Alex hesitated. “ No, I’ve only seen just pictures.”
EVISCERATION IS TOO NICE FOR YOU OH YES I WILL USE THE SPOON

Jamie stood up. “Well, I can guarantee those pictures had a lot more than I do.” She yanked off the towel and threw it on the bench.
MY EYES DEAR JESUS MY EYES!

Alex didn’t know whether to turn his head or stare. He stared as Jamie sat down and then he turned away.
Good boy! DON'T LOOK BACK!

“Alex, you can look all you want. As I told you before, I’m quite comfortable being nude. It’s natural for a boy who has never seen a girl to want to stare. It doesn’t bother me if you look.”
DON'T LOOK BOY!

They sat and talked for nearly two hours. During that conversation he found out why Jamie’s knickers would always be “in the wash.”
Oh dear Jesus why?

Alex was surprised that after a time he actually got used to Jamie’s nudity. It almost seemed weird when she dressed to return to the castle.
NO! NO NO NO NO! IT IS NOT NORMAL IN ANY WAY!

* * * * * *



Alex momentarily stood watching Jamie comb her hair. It’s amazing how that body has changed in four years.
So they're fifteen. How lovely.

“Wouldn’t you think after all these years some wizard would come up with a spell to dry hair?” Alex asked.
They probably have, asshat.

Jamie agreed. “But one that doesn’t singe or set it on fire.”

“Jamie, have you heard the news?”

“What news?”
Alex: YOU HAVE AIDS AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Er, I was kidding. You can stop frothing at the mouth now.

“Slytherin canned Bancroft as captain and he quit the team.”

“Really,” said Jamie. “I for one won’t miss playing against him.”
SO NICE ISN'T SHE DARLING GIRL.

“Unfortunately the way his mind works he will probably blame this all on you.”

“Yeah, I guess I should have let him kill me. Look at my breast. Do you think it will get black and blue where he ran into me.”
Question marks are on strike, apparently.

Alex took a close look at Jamie’s side. “Does it hurt, I don’t see any bruise mark..”
Her breasts are on her side now? Malformed bint.

“It felt like a truck hit me when he collided with me. I wish I knew why he hated me so much.”
BECAUSE YOU'RE A SUE!

“That’s easy,” Alex answered. “You’re everything he’s not and never will be; he’s jealous.”
VERY MUCH A SUE

Jamie giggled. “Do you really think he wants to be a girl? How do you think he would look with breasts?”
SUE OUT THE EARS

“You know what I mean.” Alex pretended he was going to smack Jamie’s butt.
KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF!

“Naughty, naughty. Remember the first rule when dealing with a nudist. Never touch normally covered body parts. Now you, however, are fair territory.” Jamie slapped Alex on the butt.
WHAT? Ugh, so you're a pervert with a sense of decency. I see. How... conflicting.

“Oh! Its war you want.” Alex went to grab Jamie, but she was too fast for him. Suddenly the race was on as Jamie ran around lockers and jumped over benches finally running out of the locker room and through the team meeting room to the front door.
This is going to end badly.

“Now I’ve got you,” Alex declared. Jamie had her back to the exit door. “You have no place to go. Prepare to be tickled.”
Isn't she at the exit door?

“Don’t bet on it, the world is at my door.” Jamie opened the door and ran outside.

Momentarily, Alex was frozen in place. That was the exit door. She just ran outside starkers.
People: OH DEAR JESUS COVER UP YOU STIPID TART!

Alex was out the door. He couldn’t believe his eyes. He expected Jamie to be huddled by the door, but instead she was running toward the deserted Quidditch pitch. Alex took off after her, but she was a faster runner. She is mad, absolutely mad.
No, she's luring you into public sex! Like Cedric! RUN AWAY!

As Jamie ran, she thought. I must be mad. I can’t believe I’m actually doing this. One lap just let me run one lap around the pitch. This is heaven. Why can’t I always run like this?
Because you'll wind up with a set of droopy, swinging knockers?

Alex ran his hardest, but Jamie was headed back toward the changing room by the time he completed the lap.
Nnnnngh.

She was standing in the middle of the room when he finally entered and threw his arms around her naked body. “Are you nutters? Are you trying to get yourself expelled? What if you had been seen?”
INCOMING.

He held her tight in his arms realizing how much he would miss her if she were forced to leave school.
AWOOOOGAH! INCOMING SEX SCENE.

“Alex, you can’t imagine how wonderful that felt. Every morning I wish I could exercise and run like that. I have to do that again and soon.”
Hello? Droopy swinging knockers?

Suddenly Jamie realized Alex was hugging her tightly to his body. She was naked. He had never hugged her naked before.
Oh no.

Something unfamiliar was pressing against her body.
AIIIIEEEE! WHY GOD WHY?

She abruptly pulled away from Alex. Without looking at him, she said, “It’s getting late, I best get dressed now so that we can head back to the castle. Amanda will be worried.”
Oh, phew. That was still bad, author. BAD AUTHOR! -gets out his squirt bottle and squirts the author-

Sunday, October 26, 2003 3:00 PM
Ooh, an hour away from tea.

It had been an extremely quiet day, but then that was normal for the day after a Quidditch match. Their dorm mates had gone to the library, but Jamie and Amanda had remained behind just being lazy as they lay on their beds and chatted.
No lesbian sex, right? Whew.

“I’ve made up my mind Amanda. This Friday while everyone is at the house Halloween party I’m going to do it.”
Please don't have sex with Alex. That's not right.

“You’re going to do what Jamie?”

”Give myself to Harry Potter.”
-spits his drink all over his other desk- APAHABAHAG WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?

“Oh.” Amanda said timidly. “I had hoped that you changed your mind about that.”
LISTEN TO HER JAMIE! SHE IS YOUR FUCKING VOICE OF REASON!

“You think I have some kind of school girl crush on him, don’t you?”
Amanda and audience: YES.

“No, not at all. I understand your motives totally. Not only that, but I have the same opinion. If it weren’t for him, in all likelihood I wouldn’t have my best friend. It’s just what you want to give him. What are you going to do? Walk up to him and say, ‘Hi Professor Potter, you saved my life 5 years ago, want to shag?’”
AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!

Jamie got off her bed and walked toward the window; then turned back toward Amanda with tears in her eyes. “Amanda you make what I want to do sound so dirty. You make it sound like its something from a filthy porno movie.
BECAUSE IT IS! IT IS NOT ONLY ILLEGAL, BUT IT IS SICK! You're FIF-FUCKING-TEEN! There are STATUTORY RAPE CHARGES ON THE MAN YOU 'LOVE' SO MUCH TO THINK ABOUT, YOU SELF-CENTRED, HORNY BITCH!

“My dad always told me that I was extremely lucky because I had a sort of a sixth sense when it came to judging people. He said I always knew whom I could and couldn’t trust. He must be right. Look at the wonderful relationships I have with you and Alex and now with Caitlin. He also felt that I would be able to tell when the right person came along: the guy I wanted to give my special gift.
'Special gift'. GAG.

“Amanda, this won’t be the first time I’ve made love to Harry Potter. I’ve lost count of how many times we’ve been together in my dreams and each time was better than the previous.
TEEHEE WE HAD SEX IN DREAMS AND THAT IS THE EXACT SAME AS IN REAL LIFE. I want to KICK HER IN THE CROTCH.

“I sense we were destined to be together.
What about Alex? Poor boy, I feel sorry for him now.

The rebounding of Voldemort’s curse spared my parents lives so that they could marry and conceive me. Then he comes out of an exit at the Quidditch Patch that no one else was using just in time to save me. Now just as I’ve turned fifteen, he returns from the Muggle world to be my professor. I can’t picture anyone being more deserving of my love.
My eye has now developed a permanent twitch. I hate you.

“If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t even be thinking about a true love.
YOU STILL SHOULDN'T!

I want to give him what is most important to me. I want to make love to him, because I love him for being who he is and making it possible for me to be who I am. I love him for giving me my parents, my life and making it possible for me to have wonderful friends like you. Please don’t make my wanting to be with him sound dirty and cheap.”
Okay, it IS. He's countless years older than you, you're still ILLEGAL, and you're a starstruck little FIFTEEN YEAR OLD TEENAGER. You may think it's noble and important and blah fookin' blah, but it's NOT. It's hormones and a crush speaking, and you just want to bang the nearest hot desirable man-object. Stop trying to sound holier-than-thou and preachy, you deranged little fuckstain.

Amanda approached Jamie and put her arms around her. “I’m sorry Jamie. It’s not at all dirty. What you want to do is beautiful everything about you is beautiful. I hope he realizes how lucky he is and how special you are.”
UUUUUGH. NO.

They hugged for a few moments before Amanda spoke. “How exactly do you intend to do this?”
NO.

“That night that he rescued me, he left me wrapped in his Quidditch robes. I saved them all these years and asked my parents to owl them to me. Caitlin has given me the password to the staircase entrance that leads to the teacher’s quarters. She’s also shown me which room belongs to Professor Potter.
NONONONONONO

“Friday I intend to wear those Wales Quidditch robes as my costume for the party, but slip out about nine o’clock and sneak up to his room. When he answers his door I’ll refresh his memory of our past,
NO

tell him how much I love him for giving me the opportunity to live and offer him my gift as I return his robes.”
And he'll yell at you, call you a deranged little cunt, and tell you to get the FUCK out of his room before he's arrested for RAPE!

“I imagine you intend to be naked under the robes.”
-whimper-

Jamie nodded, yes.
We are sorry, but the sporker you are seeking has been indisposed.

“Won’t you be frightened?” Amanda asked.
He is currently curled up in the foetal position in a corner.

“Only that he’ll turn me down and report me to the Headmaster.”
AS. HE. SHOULD.

“Jamie, he’s human and a man. There is no way he’ll say no to your face and body.”
-sputters- WHAT? DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE ENCOURAGING HER TO DO? TO HAVE SEX WHILE UNDERAGE AND GET THIS MAN IN TROUBLE?

“I wish I was as confident of that as you.”

* * * * * *

“How are our plans progressing?” Will her chamber be ready and properly fitted in time?”
And now for something completely different...

“All will be as you have ordered Great One.
IT'S--

The chamber itself is prepared, however, much of the décor must be hand made.
Evil Bad Guy's Plan Exposition! -cue theme music-

Sadly most of the embellishments that we ordered are not manufactured. They are being hand made to exactly match the style of that era. In regards to that, the crafter of the Cage had a question. Did you want the band for between the legs with or without the sharp iron spike? ”
I hate this author and this fic.

“Without. If it is determined that any mutilation is necessary, I want us to have the enjoyment. I regret I can not be there to oversee, but I have the greatest confidence in you, Damien.”
I am not liking where this is going.

“Thank you Great One. My goal is to serve you dependably. The others appreciate your lack of ability to be with us currently, but will celebrate your return.”
Yaay. Whoop dee doo.

“Damien, you have proved your faithfulness on many occasions. When I rule you shall be justly rewarded.”

“I seek not reward Great One. Having you rule will be my greatest reward.”
That's a good sychopanthic toady. Who wants a biscuit?

“Do you have any questions?”

“Yes, if I may be so bold. If the pigeon agrees to join us how will you discern she is speaking the truth?”
By using legilimancy.

“She will be given two tests. The first will be to pleasure you.”
-a third desk suffers a lemonade induced death-

“Me! You are too kind my lord. What if she refuses?”
Then you are to rape her, of course. Really, you know this author, what else would you do?

“Dismember her and send the pieces to Potter.”
Oooh, nice torturous plan.

“What if she should pass that trial? What will be her final challenge?”
To have sex with all of your companians?

“She will be required to torture and kill the little bitch that now refers to her as Mum.”
Ah. Lovely.

Damien smiled. “How wicked. How beautifully wicked.”
Assa good toadie, yes oo is.

Right, I'm done. I have finished my part, and may this fic burn in the abyss of fanfiction hell. I'M DONE DO YOU HEAR ME?