gabrielmobius

Rose Potter horror - Gabe and Notmonkey team up!

gabrielmobius@gmail.com — Thu, 03 Aug 2006 22:30:16 GMT

In order to properly handle this absolutely awful chapter, I enlisted the help of Notmonkey for the role of Sirius. We now know your pain, Mervin. How we know it.

A figure, adorned in a decorated robe, stands before a glass tank. Contained within is a featureless shape resembling that of a human. The figure pushes his circular spectacles up on his nose and frets with his hair a little, attempting to clear his vision. He smiles.

"It took the Philosopher's Stone and the knowledge contained within to attain this. But now, it shall serve the purpose that it was intended for."

The man holds out one hand as an aura of magical power rises around him, swirling about him in a circle. His eyes narrow, and he focuses.

"Body, mind, soul; All are sheared away.
If to serve this purpose I shall be despised, my body scorched and blackened, so be it.
If to serve this purpose I must command forbidden magicks, so be it!!
Though my body may be tainted, though my soul may be tainted, I imbue thee with thought.
I swear as the gods swear, and breathe life into the void!"

A blue light surrounds the humanoid shape in the tank, and it shifts, changing slowly into a crystal as the verbal component of the spell is recited. The entire room -- save the man in the robe and the crystal -- darkens. Wisps of light flow into the crystal, collecting inside of it. With the last word of the spell, the crystal erupts into a dazzling light and the room is engulfed. As the brilliance fades, the robed man pushes his glasses up onto the bridge of his nose, opens his eyes, and grins.

"It has worked perfectly. My homunculus now contains the soul I have summoned from the void. But is it the right one, I wonder?"

The glow from the water in the tank fades, and the robed man shatters the glass with a single word. The humanoid shape that was contained within before is now distinctly human. It resembles a rather scraggly man, posessing a unique unkemptness about him. The homunculous stands weakly as it drifts into conciousness, opens it's eyes, and squints.

"Oy, got any clothes? It's bloody cold in here."

"Of course," replies the robed man, handing over the set of clothing he had prepared for this occaision. "Welcome back to the world of the living, Sirius Black."

-----

After getting the freshly revived Sirius some clothing, and a stiff drink, the robed man (who has identified himself as being a 'researcher of magic' called Gabriel) leads Sirius over to a massive tome. It is propped against a wall, and open to what appears to be the start of a new chapter in a story. The numbering on the chapter reads 35.

"This is the most recent chapter in a story I have plucked from a parallel universe. I found your name in previous chapters, and summoned what should be your original soul to your body. From what I've gathered from other observations, you intensely dislike the 'heroine'. A miss Rose Potter, I believe?"

Sirius scoffs. "Intensely dislike? Love, I preferred incarceration in AZKABAN to that vinegar titted minge's bloody company. And have you met her 'druid' friends? Pack of rancid hippies. Banging on tambourines and pretending they didn't have any pot. Mean bastards."

"Quite. Unfortunately, as this tome actually puts you inside the universe that is spawned from the story once you start reading it, I've found myself entering with several casks of very, VERY strong whiskey. Those 'druids' actually forced me to research a controlled sensory destruction spell. The smell was unbearable."

"Yeah. So were their tents. It was the mung beans."

Gabriel gives a short chuckle and turns back to the tome. "A pity I cannot interact with the universe, or else I would be very satisfied. Alas, my curiosity as a researcher bids me finish this volume. I'm writing a dossier on alternate universes, and their treatment of magic. This Rose Potter is making me reconsider my course of study."

"Yeah. She does that. It's lucky you can't interact, actually. She'd have you bollock naked in no time. And if you didn't do as you said she'd probably carve 'arsecandle' or 'catflap' on your forehead. She's considerate like that."

"I've noticed. Well, I have the whiskey ready, and some rather comfy chairs." He indicates the reading seats a little to the left, with a full supply of liquor. "Care to join me on my foray into the very bowels of hell itself?"

Sirius approaches one of the chairs tenatively. "I don't actually have to go back in there, do I?"

"Oh, don't worry. She won't be able to see -- or interact with -- you. And you'll probably be so pissing drunk within five minutes that it won't matter."

"Now that sounds more like it. Pass the booze."

Gabriel takes a seat in the left chair, pours out two mugs of whiskey, and passes one to Sirius as he takes the other seat. The tome lights up, and in a flash they're transported into the story.

CHAPTER 35

(I'll snip the first bit, as it's canon.)

Phineas Nigellus gave a long yawn, stretching his arms as he surveyed me out of shrewd, narrow eyes.

“And what brings you here in the early hours of the morning?” said Phineas eventually. “This office is supposed to be barred to all but the rightful Headmaster. Or has Dumbledore sent you here? Oh, don’t tell me…” He gave another shuddering yawn. “Another message for my worthless great-great-grandson?”

Sirius: "Sod off, Phineas, you crusty old lump of gibbon smegma. Do you know, I got saddled with the middle name of Nigellus on account of that twat...bloody hell. This whiskey's strong. I don't usually tell anyone that."

Gabriel: "And the sad part is that Phineas saying that is somehow preferable, in my mind, to anything Rose says. It's horrible, isn't it?"

Sirius: "Grotesque."

I could not speak. Phineas Nigellus did not know that Sirius was dead, but I could not tell him. To say it aloud would be to make it final, absolute, irretrievable.

A few more of the portraits had stirred now. Terror of being interrogated made me stride across the room and seize the doorknob. It would not turn. I was shut in. In retrospect, I wondered why I did not just Teleport out of the room, I could have, but my mind was in a state of unreality, I could hardly think properly.

Sirius: "That wouldn't be the first knob she's grabbed."

Gabriel: "Have you been privy to her escapades with that undead sod, Cedric?"

Sirius: "Noncey Podboy? Oh yeah. Who wasn't privy to that? She had her funbags flapping in the breeze on Salisbury Plain, for fuck's sake."

Gabriel: "I heard that a low-brow pornographic magazine bought the pictures of her at Stonehenge. Apparently the sight of flapping, saggy titties in public was too low for most of the 'respectable' ones. The magazine that published them went out of business too."

Sirius: "Yeah. She really needs to marry Dead Cedric, then she'll be proper Reader's Wives material. And what is she blathering about, anyway? She NEVER thinks properly, if the ramblings of her gob betray her mental processes. Her brain must be on a permanent loop of 'Ninja, druid, boobs, ninja, druid, boobs, REVEEEEEENGEEE!!! ninja, druid, boobs."

Gabriel: "And another thing, if she can bloody teleport, then why isn't she? I have to concentrate for a full five seconds before my teleportation circles even start to form, sodding ancient magic. But she can do it on a whim, and 'forgets' it?"

Sirius: "Normal people don't think about 'teleporting', whatever that is. Normal people apparate. Or they floo...if they're that drunk. And I'm sure she's fucking MOIST at the notion of grabbing her moment of tearful naked glory, breaking the news of my demise."

Gabriel: "Oh yes."

“I hope this means,” said the corpulent, red-nosed wizard who hung on the wall behind the Headmaster’s desk, “that Dumbledore will soon be back among us?”

I turned. The wizard was surveying me with great interest. I nodded. I tugged again on the doorknob behind my back, but it remained immovable.
Sirius: "Rose, stop tugging that knob. It'll go off in your face."

Gabriel: "And then she'll have to explain the mess to those portraits."

Sirius: "Do you think they're too old to know what 'bukkake' means?"

Gabriel: "They'd never admit to it, even if they did."

“Oh good,” said the wizard. “It has been very dull without him, very dull indeed.”

He settled himself on the throne-like chair on which he had been painted and smiled benignly upon me.

“Dumbledore thinks very highly of you, as I am sure you know,” he said comfortably. “Oh yes. Holds you in great esteem.”

Sirius: "Everyone else thinks you're a cunt."

Gabriel: "Poor Dumbledore. The man has such faith in people."

Sirius: "Even the portraits have got their tongue up her arse. It's so revolting."

The empty fireplace burst into emerald green flame, making me leap away from the door, staring at the man spinning inside the grate. As Dumbledore’s tall form unfolded itself from the fire, the wizards and witches on the surrounding walls jerked awake, many of them giving cries of welcome.

“Thank you,” said Dumbledore softly.

Gabriel: "Run while you can, mate."

Sirius: "He knows, you see. He knows to speak quietly and not steal her moment of glory. Otherwise she's carve OLD CUNT on his head and sodomise his mind."

Gabriel: "And probably wouldn't stop at his mind, either."

Sirius: "You're worse than ME!"

Gabriel: "Well, I have had two mugs so far. Scone?"

Sirius: "Don't mind if I do."

He did not look at me at first, but walked over to the perch beside the door and withdrew, from an inside pocket of his robes, the tiny, ugly, featherless Fawkes, whom he placed gently on the tray of soft ashes beneath the golden post where the full-grown Fawkes usually stood.

“Well, Rosey,”

Gabriel: "Have I ever mentioned how BLOODY CUNTING MUCH I hate the name 'Rosey'?"

Sirius: "Rosey Posey Pudding and Pie, kissed the boys and made their lips drop off because they were dead and have been steadily decomposing since the end of Book Four."

said Dumbledore, finally turning away from the baby bird, “you will be pleased to hear that none of your fellow students are going to suffer lasting damage from the night’s events.”

“Good,” I said, gritting my teeth. It seemed to take all my emotional control to just speak properly.

Gabriel: "Oh yes, she's ANGRY that they survived?"

Sirius: "She's just a kratakoa of suppressed rage, isn't she? What Quidditch position does the baggage play? With anger issues like that she'd make a shithot beater."

Gabriel: "I mean, think about it. She was just told that her friends are safe, and she's FURIOUS. Makes you wonder what her 'plan' -- which involved the cunt walking into a trap -- actually was..."

Sirius: "To act like a personality disordered moron?"

Gabriel: "That too."

“Madam Pomfrey is patching everybody up,” said Dumbledore. “Nymphadora Tonks may need to spend a little time in St Mungo’s, but it seems she will make a full recovery.”

I contented myself with nodding at Dumbledore. The office was growing lighter as the sky outside grew paler. I was sure all the portraits around the room were listening closely to every word Dumbledore spoke, wondering where Dumbledore and I had been, and why there had been injuries.

Sirius: "Why there had been injuries???"

Gabriel: "I can see Phineas' face light right the hell up when he hears that her 'brilliant' plan was to walk into a trap. Remind me to save a copy of his portrait, his sarcasm could be welcome."

Sirius: "You dozy bint - you went traipising into a bunch of bloody Death Eaters, including the Noseless Wonder himself. What did you EXPECT, catflap twat?"

“I know how you are feeling, Rosey,” said Dumbledore very quietly.

Gabriel: "Oh no. He said it. Brace yourself."

Sirius: "Uh oh...she's gonna blooooow. And I don't just mean in her usual manner."

“How would you know?” I snapped, and my voice was suddenly loud and strong; white-hot anger leapt inside me; Dumbledore knew nothing about my feelings.

“You see, Dumbledore?” said Phineas Nigellus slyly. “Never try to understand the students. They hate it. They would much rather be tragically misunderstood, wallow in self-pity, stew in their own…”

Gabriel: "Definitely saving his portrait. And remind me to send him a drink."

Sirius: "Oh, alright. He's got a point. Even if he does have a face like a monkey's scrotum."

“That’s enough, Phineas,” said Dumbledore.

I turned my back on Dumbledore and stared determinedly out of the window.

Gabriel: "And the window stared back, wondering 'what the sodding hell is this staring at me?'."

Sirius: "No, it isn't enough, Phineas. Stick it to the bitch. Come on. I'm experiencing a rare sensation right now. I think it's called filial pride. Fuck me. Weird, isn't it?"

“It was a good plan, Rosey,”

Gabriel: "... *is dumbstruck*"

Sirius: "No it wasn't. It was shit."

Gabriel: "But... did he... buh?"

Sirius: "I got KILLED - although that bit was good. At least she thinks I'm dead now."

said Dumbledore. “And it succeeded on all counts.

Gabriel: "SUCCEEDED? YOU WERE THERE YOU OLD BIT OF SHITE! YOU SAW EVERYTHING! How in the fuck did it succeed?"

Sirius: "*shakes head* Oh...that's sad. I never thought I'd live, die and undie the day Albus Dumbledore started losing his marbles."

Voldemort has been exposed; he will no longer be able to work in the shadows.”

Gabriel: "..."

Sirius: "Voldemort exposing himself...yeah. I didn't want to imagine that. Do you think parseltongue works on trouser snakes?"

Gabriel: "That would be very interesting indeed. Imagine what Remus' wang could tell you."

Sirius: "Bloooody hell."

“Sirius dying was not part of the plan!” I shouted angrily.

Gabriel: "I'm sure it was part of HIS plan to get the hell away from YOU."

Sirius: "Yes it was. I am freeeeee! Free of your stupid tits and your stupid face and your anger management problem and your fucking ocarina playing hippy friends."

“When fighting Voldemort and his minions there will be casualties, Rosey,” said Dumbledore softly. “You have learned in the worst way possible, that this is the nature of war. And there is no shame in what you are feeling. On the contrary…the fact that you can feel pain like this is your greatest strength.”

Sirius: "She doesn't feel pain, though. She just feels ANGER! And lust for revenge."

Gabriel: "So her ability to turn into a raving, genocidal megalomaniacal sociopath is a strength? Has Voldemort been addling Dumbledore?"

Sirius: "He's going...*twirls finger to temple* I'm telling you. It's fucking tragic, but he's very old - nobody knows how old. And his brother went a bit queer. Runs in the family."

Gabriel: "Hence my comment about addling, although I meant the other type of addling. My, this whiskey is strong..."

Sirius: "Good, isn't it?"

“My greatest strength, is it?” I said, my voice shaking as I stared out at the Quidditch stadium, no longer seeing it. “You haven’t got a clue…you don’t know…”

“What don’t I know?” asked Dumbledore calmly.

Sirius: "SHE'S A NINJA!!!!"

Gabriel: "Maybe's he's realised that he's going off and is trying to commit suicide? I think he's learning from you, Sirius."

Sirius: "You'd better get him a spare armchair. Just in case."

“You haven’t had the closest person to a mother almost be killed! and then not a day later the closest thing you have ever known to a father be murdered before your eyes!” I screamed; an aura of power blossoming around me and I seized the delicate silver instrument from the spindle-legged table beside me and flung it across the room; it shattered into a hundred tiny pieces against the wall. Several of the pictures let out yells of anger and fright, and the portrait of Armando Dippet said, “Really!”

Gabriel: "My word that was a long sentence."

Sirius: "An aura of power? Oh my days - is she on the rag or something?"

I next seized the table on which the silver instrument had stood and it crumbled to pieces in my grip; the legs rolling in different directions as they fell to the floor.

Gabriel: "Crushing things with a grip? That's more 'being in labour', really."

Sirius: "ROSEY MAD! ROSEY SMAAAASH!"

“You are correct,” said Dumbledore, in an infuriatingly calm almost detached expression on his face.

For a long while I just stared at my own hands as they strained themselves in fists. I finally looked up.

“You obviously have something to say, since I can’t get out,” my voice snapped like a whip.

Gabriel: "Would someone snap a real whip back at her? It works on lions..."

Sirius: "Oh, I hate her."

“I do,” said Dumbledore bowing his head. “Please sit down.” It was not an order, it was a request.

Gabriel: "Oh, don't flatter yourself you little bint. Dumbledore ordered you to sit down, so sit."

Sirius: "Yes, don't presume to order Rose Potter around. She'll turn into a panther/gorilla/gerbil/pigeon hybrid animagus and baffle you to death with her Linnean illogic."

I hesitated, then walked slowly across the room now littered with silver cogs and fragments of wood, and took the seat facing Dumbledore’s desk.

“Rosey, I owe you an explanation,” said Dumbledore. “An explanation of an old man’s mistakes. For I see now that what I have done, and not done, with regard to you, bears all the hallmarks of the failings of age. Youth cannot know how age thinks and feels. But old men are guilty if they forget what it was to be young…and I seem to have forgotten, lately…”

Gabriel: "Look, lad. I know Voldemort's got some age to him too, but all you need is a few new ideas, and it'll make you feel like you're having sex for the first time."

Sirius: "I know the feeling. That syphilitic cunt's put years on me. And in this case youth thinks about revenge and feels rage and dead boys. He'd be forgiven for not knowing the festering processes of her purulent little excuse for a mind."

The sun was rising properly now; there was a rim of dazzling orange visible over the mountains and the sky above it was colorless and bright. The light fell upon Dumbledore, upon the silver of his eyebrows and beard, upon the lines gouged deeply into his face.

“I guessed, fifteen years ago,” said Dumbledore, “when I saw the scar on your forehead, what it might mean. I guessed that it might be the sign of a connection between you and Voldemort.”

Sirius: "Yep. She's his natural successor."

Gabriel: "Pre-bloody-cisely. Why does no one notice this?"

Sirius: "They're all insane?"

Gabriel: "They need more alcohol. This stuff makes you think clearly."

“I know this, Professor,” I said bluntly. I did not care about something as trivial as manners at the moment.

Sirius: "*sputters* When did you ever?"

“Yes,” said Dumbledore apologetically. “Yes, but you see – it is necessary to start with your scar. For it became apparent, shortly after you rejoined the magical world, that I was correct, and that your scar was giving you warnings when Voldemort was close to you, or else feeling powerful emotion.”

“I know,” I said wearily.

Sirius: "Yes, you've heard all this before, Rose. You knew that because you're sooooo bloody clever. Can someone please drop that argument for post-natal abortion down a fucking well?"

“And this ability of yours – to detect Voldemort’s presence, even when he is disguised, and to know what he is feeling when his emotions are roused – has become more and more pronounced since Voldemort returned to his own body and his full powers.”

I did not bother to nod. I knew all of this already.

“More recently,” said Dumbledore, “I became concerned that Voldemort might realize that this connection between you exists. Sure enough, there came a time when you entered so far into his mind and thoughts that he sensed your presence. I am speaking, of course, of the night when you witnessed the attack on Mr Weasley.”

“Yeah, Professor Snape told me,” I muttered.

Siruus: "Is this 'nice' Snape, the mentorish potion's master?"

Gabriel: "Yes. Feel free to weep."

Sirius: "Riiiight. Not the miserable, embittered, intellectually arrogant, giant nosed, greasy haired prick that I went to school with?"

Gabriel: "No, apparently he's changed."

Sirius: "And got over his loathing of James and everything to do with him. That's handy for Rose."

Gabriel: "Isn't it?"

“But did you not wonder why it was not I who explained this to you after I had taken such a direct hand in your tutelage before? Why I did not teach you Occlumency? Why I had not so much as looked at you for months?”

Gabriel: "Because you knew that she would try to kill you at the first available opportunity?

Sirius: "He was uneasy about being caught in his office with a naked fifteen year old girl. The authorities tend to take a dim view of that kind of thing. I mean...mud sticks, you know? With his brother and the goat...people talk..."

I looked up. I could see now that Dumbledore looked sad and tired.

“Yes,” I said, the hurt apparent in my voice.

Gabriel: "Oh, the poor dear. Don't you just want to put her out of her misery?"

Sirius: "You're more hurt that Dumbledore wasn't staring at your norks than the fact that I'm DEAD? Thanks a bunch, bitch."

“You see,” Dumbledore continued, “I believed it could not be long before Voldemort attempted to force his way into your mind, to manipulate and misdirect your thoughts, and I was not eager to give him more incentives to do so. I was sure that if he realized that our relationship was – or ever had been – closer than that of headmaster and pupil, he would seize his chance to use you as a means to spy on me. I feared the uses to which he would put you, the possibility that he might try and possess you. Rosey, I believe I was right to think that Voldemort would have made use of you in such a way.”

Sirius: "Closer than headmaster and pupil? Oh dearie me...that does look VERY unsavoury, doesn't it?"

“Voldemort’s aim in possessing you, as he demonstrated tonight, would not have been my destruction. It would have been yours. He hoped, when he possessed you briefly a short while ago, that I would sacrifice you in the hope of killing him. So you see, I have been trying, in distancing myself from you, to protect you, Rosey. An old man’s mistake…”

Gabriel: "I'd gladly sacrifice her to get to Voldemort. What's that saying about birds and stones?"

Sirius: "Omelettes and eggs."

Gabriel: "That too."

He sighed deeply. I would have been interested to know all this a few months ago, but now it was meaningless compared to the gaping chasm inside me that was the loss of Sirius; none of it mattered…

Sirius: "UUURGH. I do not wish to hear about your gaping chasm. It probably smells like a cross between Billingsgate fish market and a mortuary in August, being as it regulary recieves a portion of zombie-cock."

Gabriel: "*squirts whiskey out of his nose*"

“Sirius told me you felt Voldemort awake inside you

Gabriel: "*repeats*"

Sirius: "AAARGH! This just keeps getting worse! I never said that! Where's the booze? That's revolting!"

Gabriel: "*hands over a mug while wiping his nose off*"

Sirius: "Thank you. Is there anyone she hasn't had up her creamy way?"

the very night that you had the vision of Arthur Weasley’s attack. I knew at once that my worst fears were correct. Voldemort had realized he could use you. In an attempt to arm you against Voldemort’s assaults on your mind, I arranged Occlumency lessons with Professor Snape.”

Gabriel: "What about her assaults on our minds?"

Sirius: "I can see where this is going... If there's innuendo about Snape being 'inside' her I'm afraid I am going to have to scream."

He paused. I watched the sunlight, which was sliding slowly across the polished surface of Dumbledore’s desk, illuminate a silver ink pot and a handsome scarlet quill. I could tell that the portraits all around us were awake and listening raptly to Dumbledore’s explanation; I could hear the occasional rustle of robes, the slight clearing of a throat.

“Professor Snape discovered,” resumed Dumbledore, “that you already had a rudimentary mastery of your own mind,

Gabriel: "Oh bloody -- not THAT thing again."

Sirius: "It's not a ninja thing, is it? Please tell me it's not a ninja thing."

Gabriel: "Yes, it is."

Sirius: "BOLLOCKS. She is full of more shit per square inch than a sewage plant."

and it has protected you somewhat, but not enough to fully shield your link to Voldemort. You had occasional dreams about the door to the Department of Mysteries for months. Voldemort, of course, had been obsessed with the possibility of hearing the prophecy ever since he regained his body, and as he dwelled on the door, so did you, though you did not know what it meant.”

Sirius: "If Remus were here he would probably say that was somewhat Freudian and giggle."

(Right, snip the next canon paragraph.)

“Which, I know for fact, you have done quite well,” said Dumbledore a sad smile on his face. “Your skills allowed you to see through the vision for what it was,

Gabriel: "Oh fucking blow it out your arse."

Sirius: "Faaabulous. Another 'Let's all praise Rose' session."

it also did help that Sirius was with you when the vision came.

Sirius: Was I?

Gabriel: "That sounds like innuendo. I can't place it, but it sounds like innuendo. I need more booze."

Sirius: "Must have been drunk. I don't remember. Her company was always preferable when I was completely bladdered. I was sick on her tits once - did I mention that?"

Gabriel: "What did she do to you for it?"

Sirius: "Oh, she flashed her fancy contact lenses and ranted a bit, but I told her it was an accident. I was actually aiming for her FACE."

Well…you know what happened from there. You deduced immediately that it was trap for you. And you imagined upon a brilliant plan, to walk purposefully into this trap but with as much help as you could command at such short notice. You sent Sirius

Sirius: "How was that a brilliant plan, exactly?"

Gabriel: "... I'm sorry, something about 'walking into a trap' and 'brilliant plan' and 'sending Sirius, who is probably bladdered off his rocker' just shut down my brain."

Sirius: "I'm not being stupid, am I? But isn't that a completely SHIT plan?"

Gabriel: "Yes, yes it is."

Sirius: "It's probably the shittest plan since that Lockhead kid a couple of years below us tried to cool down the Hufflepuff Common Room with a snow spell. Summer of '76, that was. Bloody scorching. Kids ended up having to be treated for frostbite."

to muster myself and the Order to come to your aid as well, because you knew that however good you had trained your friends, that they were no real match for Death Eaters.”

Gabriel: "I'm rather surprised that she didn't singlehandedly take on all of the Death Eaters."

Sirius: "'However good'? No...this can't be Dumbledore. The real Dumbledore has a better grasp of grammar. Oh, I would have loved to see her if it was just mano e mano with her and Trixiebella. We used to call her that - Trixiebella. Used to drive her fucking MAD."

Dumbledore heaved a great sigh and continued, “Alastor Moody, Nymphadora Tonks, Kingsley Shacklebolt and Remus Lupin were at Headquarters when Sirius made contact. They all agreed at once to go to your aid.”

Sirius: "They didn't have much choice, did they? The Girl Who Lives blunders straight into a fucking TRAP."

Gabriel: "Remus must've done his bleeding heart bit."

Sirius: "I'll swing for the sod if he did."

“I don’t need a blow by blow account of the rest,” I said bluntly.

“I wasn’t going to,” said Dumbledore. “But it is time, for me tell you what I should have told you five years ago, Rosey. Please sit down. I am going to tell you everything. I ask only a little patience.” I glared at him for a moment.

“Go on,” I said wearily.

Gabriel: "'Wearily'? That snarky little..."

Sirius: "He only asks for patience. That's beyond her. Rude cow. I know I've got the manners of an inbred dog, but she's just something else."

(Snip)

“I asked you why Voldemort had decided to come after me as a baby,” I said, frowning as I remembered.

“Yes, but should I have told then?”

Gabriel: "What the bloody hell did he just say? Because I can't make heads or tails of it."

Sirius: "I don't know. He should have told her when she was a baby? She was thirteen months old. All she could say was Mama, Dada and poo poo."

(Snip)

“The prophecy’s destroyed,” I said heavily. “I stray curse hit my hand…”

Gabriel: "She's losing it too."

Sirius: "Irritable vowel syndrome?"

Gabriel: "Exactly."

(Snipsnip)

Dumbledore got to his feet and walked past me to the black cabinet that stood beside Fawkes’s perch. He bent down, slid back a catch and took from inside it the shallow stone basin, carved with runes around the edges, in which I had seen my father tormenting Professor Snape.

Gabriel: "Torment? You were there Sirius, you tell it."

Sirius: "Weeeellll...maybe we did get a bit of a rise out of him. But he was a twat. And some of those nasties in his Potions book... Okay, we were horrible little shitehawks, but he was using some seriously unpleasant dark magic. You know that scar Remus has across his face?"

Gabriel: "Yeah, I know the one."

Sirius: "A rather horrible little number called Sectumsempra did that one. I mean...okay. That was my fault. Remus was a werewolf at the time - hairy, you know. But how do you think we got Snape to keep schtum about Remus? James heard Snape casting Unforgiveables in the tunnel."

Gabriel: "Poor 'misunderstood' bastard my arse."

Sirius: "He's not. He's a nasty bit of work."

(Wow, there's a lot of canon. Snip.)

“Explain,” I stated hoarsely, though my feelings had given me an idea of what the prophecy was going to mean.

Sirius: "It said you would have jiggly tits, be a ninja and be a complete bitch to everyone around you."

Gabriel: "Ah, if only."

“It means,” said Dumbledore, “that the person who has the only chance of conquering Lord Voldemort for good was born at the end of July, nearly sixteen years ago. This girl would be born to parents who had already defied Voldemort three times.”

“And I take it I was the only witch born in that month?” I asked, my breathing becoming choked.

Sirius: "You were the only hellspawn. That's for certain."

Gabriel: "For the bloody love of-- just strip Neville of one of his shining moments of revelation, why don't you, you little cuntsmear? Can't have that imperfect boy stepping in on your bloody moment of glory, eh?"

Sirius: "Cuntsmear. Well done. I am impressed. Of course - Frank and Alice's boy...he popped out around the same time, didn't he? Only with a winkie dinkie doo da, so he couldn't have Rose's amazing feminine powers."

Gabriel: "That'd be Neville. Of course, this universe -- which was crafted by her, I swear to Loki -- changed the prophecy to be female specific. I want to revert her to an egg and squash her under my boot."

Sirius: "B...but...Neville?"

Gabriel: "Right out of the running. What, would you expect HER to share the spotlight with a plebian like him? You must be joking, I thought you knew this girl."

Sirius: "Well...bang goes that interesting plot point then."

“Yes,” nodded Dumbledore. “The next part of the prophecy gives the final identifying feature of the girl who could vanquish Voldemort…Voldemort himself would mark her as his equal. And so he did, Rosey. He gave you the scar that has proved both blessing and curse.”

Sirius: "And made you look like a crap David Bowie fan from the Ziggy Stardust period."

(Snip)

“Why then did he try to kill me as a baby?” I said, feeling numb and cold. “He should have waited to see if I would be any threat to him. Prophecies are rarely black and white and can be interpreted in many ways until they are fulfilled.”

Sirius: "Darling - if I'd known you'd be this much of a vainglorious hellbeast, I would have killed you."

Gabriel: "... I'm sorry, what? YOU WERE THE ONLY RASSHOLE FEMALE BORN IN THE TIME PERIOD SPECIFIED IN THE BLEEDIN' PROPHECY? How the FUCKING CUNTING HELL COULD THAT BE INTERPRETED IN ANY OTHER WAY, THINE SAGGY TWATTED FUCKSTAIN?"

Sirius: "There's that to it. I'm surprised she's questioning it. It's her favourite, after all. It's all about HER!"

Gabriel: "Except when it's convenient, in which case it makes her look like a fucking idiot."

“Very true, that might, indeed, have been the more practical course,” said Dumbledore, “except that Voldemort’s information about the prophecy was incomplete. The Hog’s Head inn, which Sybill chose for its cheapness, has long attracted, shall we say, a more interesting clientele than the Three Broomsticks. As you and your friends found out to your cost, and I to mine that night, it is a place where it is never safe to assume you are not being overheard. Of course, I had not dreamed, when I set out to meet Sybill Trelawney, that I would hear anything worth overhearing. My – our – one stroke of good fortune was that the eavesdropper was detected only a short way into the prophecy and thrown from the building.”

Sirius: "The Rodent?"

Gabriel: "That just makes no bloody sense. How does that make sense? The complete prophecy lists her as the only one possible of fighting him... I'm done."

Sirius: "She's just that special."

“So he only heard…?”

“He only heard the beginning, the part foretelling the birth of a girl in July to parents who had thrice defied Voldemort. Consequently, he could not warn his master that to attack you would be to risk transferring power to you, and marking you as his equal. So Voldemort never knew that there might be danger in attacking you, that it might be wise to wait, to learn more. He did not know that you would have power the Dark Lord knows not…”

Gabriel: "Oh he found out later, he did. Ninja, Teleportation... I've sodding lost count, what else does she have?"

Sirius: "I knew Peter was thick but really... Silverback winged pussy or something."

Gabriel: "Right, that."

“What power have I got that he does not?” I asked in a strangled voice. “I though he was supposed to be my equal.”

Sirius: "Oh, what HAVEN'T you got, Missy?"

Gabriel: "... I refuse to believe that she's this stupid, I really do."

Sirius: "I don't. She's obviously a throwback on James' side of the family. He had a great Uncle who ate his own chin. Very stupid man."

“There is a room in the Department of Mysteries,” answered Dumbledore, “that is kept locked at all times. It contains a force that is at once more wonderful and more terrible than death, than human intelligence, than the forces of nature. It is also, perhaps, the most mysterious of the many subjects for study that reside there. It is the power held within that room that you possess in such quantities and which Voldemort has not at all. That power took you to save Sirius tonight. That power also saved you from possession by Voldemort, because he could not bear to reside in a body so full of the force he detests. In the end, it mattered not that you had Occlumency skills. It was your heart that saved you.”

Sirius: "She has a heart?"

Gabriel: "... To... save... Siri... WHEN WERE YOU IN TROUBLE? I thought you were safe at the headquarters? I thought she recognised the vision as a trap! Oh bloody hell, I give up."

Sirius: "Yeah, but she's patently a cretin. I'm waiting for her to eat her own chin."

(Snip)

For a long time, neither of us spoke. Somewhere far beyond the office wall, I could hear the sound of voices, students heading down to the Great Hall for an early breakfast, perhaps. It seemed impossible that there could be people in the world who still desired food, who laughed, who neither knew nor cared that Sirius Black was gone for ever.

Sirius: "Doesn't bother me. I never met them."

“I feel I owe you another explanation, Rosey,” said Dumbledore hesitantly. “You may, perhaps, have wondered why I never chose you as a prefect? I must confess…that I rather thought…you had enough responsibility to be going on with.”

I looked up at him and saw a tear tricking down Dumbledore’s face into his long silver beard – and at that moment, all the anger, the rejection I had felt from the old man seemed to vanish in an instant. I walked around his desk and we hugged each other as grandfather to granddaughter.

Gabriel: "I'm going to be ill."

Sirius: "I'm going to get a bludger bat and stove her head in."

Gabriel: "Sadly, it's over. Well, I'm going to pull Remus from that horrible world, and then you, he and I can have comforting, drunken sex. I really can't conceive of anything else at the moment."

Sirius: "Yeah - alright then. Just don't hog the bottom spot. That's MINE."

Gabriel: "Right."

So, thanks to Notmonkey for sharing this atrocity with me. I hate this bint so very very much.

gabrielmobius@gmail.com — Wed, 17 May 2006 16:47:02 GMT

Right, I finally got around to sporking this... rubbish. So here we go.

Chapter Ten

Plans
I dislike ominous titles. They usually involve things that will make me want to physically harm this author.

Suddenly the Snitch turned and so did Jamie as Bancoft maintained power over her broom.
Does... does that sound like a horrible porn description to anyone else?

The speed was increasing.
Anyone? No? I blame Rose Potter...

Jamie yelled at Bancroft as they followed the Snitch on a path that would have them collide with one of the viewing towers.
You die already? This is getting good.

Faster and faster they sped. Was he crazy?
Probably the only sane person here, love.

They were going to hit the tower. At the speed they were traveling they would certainly both be killed.
Right! Short fic, I can just kick back my feet and...

As they got closer and closer to the tower, Jamie realized she was wrong they wouldn’t both be killed. Bancroft would barely brush the side of the tower. She would be the only one killed.
Even better! Where's my popcorn?

Caitlin and Amanda watched in anguish as the two players came closer and closer to the tower.

Hermione clung to Harry. “Harry do something; she’s going to be killed.”
My Hermione, what utter panic I detect in your voice.

Harry looked at her helplessly. “There’s nothing I’m able to do, not from here. If only….”
"... I wasn't such a git in this fanfic..."

Suddenly a Bludger hit Bancroft from behind so solidly that he was almost toppled from his broom. He struggled to maintain his balance, but his concentration on Jamie’s broom was broken.
Pity, that.

Jamie had been fighting to regain control and suddenly she had it. Just a few meters
METRES. How hard can it be to use the bloody spelling of the original book? THIS IS AN ENGLISH BOOK, USE ENGLISH SPELLINGS. THANK YOU VERY BLOODY WELL MUCH.

away from the tower both the Snitch and Jamie went into a dive. As she hurtled toward the ground Jamie realized she was still in a dilemma. She had absolutely no room to maneuver.
Yawn. Wake me when this is over.

She obviously couldn’t break the dive by going forward because of the tower just meters away. Turning to her left or right was also out of the question because both those options involved some forward movement; more than her proximity to tower would allow.
I know this is supposed to be dramatic and all, but isn't she one of the main characters? Unless a real author is writing this - and not some Sue-happy bint - then no main characters will ever die. Ever. They will perform the single most spectacular manoeuvre that'll make a Deus ex Machina look like a genius bit of writing. Ugh. Please, authors, if you're going to try and put in suspense, at least make sure that the audience knows that you have no qualms about killing your characters.

Jamie had to do a backward flip, something she had never done before and didn’t even know if it was possible to do especially at this speed.
Then don't try! Keep going forwards! PLEASE!

The wind billowed through the sleeves of her robes as she clung to her broom. She felt her long hair actually brush the ground as she struggled to regain an upright position. Just when she thought she would succeed, she lost her grip and went tumbling across the green pitch.
Once again, yawn. I didn't notice anything about bones breaking.

The crowd was all on their feet. Hermione held her hands to her face in horror. “Oh my God!”
"You killed Jamie! YOU BASTARDS!"

Momentarily Jamie just laid there as the multitude looked on in dismay. Then she got to her knees and waved. “She’s okay!” Caitlin screamed.
Yaaay, she survived! Let us all dance in happy joy relief now because she is completely unharmed! YAAAY. [/deadpan]

Suddenly Jamie jumped to her feet and pulled her arm tightly to her side. Slowly and very carefully she reached her right arm into her left sleeve and pulled out the Snitch.
What? She performed a seemingly death-defying and impossible manoevure and came out of it with the snitch detained in some part of her clothing or body? My, how original! By golly, we have never seen this before! Except SHE IS UNHARMED. Where's the road rash? The bruises? I WANT BROKEN RIBS!

As Jamie waved the Snitch in the air, Jason Turner declared Gryffindor the winner.

Harry just looked at Hermione and shook his head in astonishment. “I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes. She just did a Plumpton Pass upside down coming out of that incredible dive. That’s inconceivable!”
Then Harry's face turned grim, and he reached for his wand. Anything that inconceivable must mean only one thing. A Sue had found its way across the borders of the dimensions into this world again. He knew what needed to be done.

Hermione smiled at Harry, “No that’s Jamie Zacherley.”
Mary Sue? What?

The balance of the team
All hail the mighty scale, Justacia! The Balance of the Gryffindor team!

landed to congratulate Jamie as Amanda and Caitlin ran onto the field.
Balance: For superior weighting of your moves and a commitment to equality of play, I congratulate you!

“Jamie!” Amanada yelled. “What happened? Why did you and Bancroft keep flying so close to each other and directly at that tower?”
Jamie: Because I realised that I was a Sue, and I needed to end it all!

“He used some sort of Dark Magic. I had no control of my broom,” Jamie said, her heart still pounding madly. “I have no idea what caused him to break the spell, but if he hadn’t; I would have been killed.”
(sweetly)This isn't ripped from the first book or anything! Heavens no!

Alex answered her question. “He got hit by a Bludger. Almost knock the prat off his broom. Wish it had.”
HURHURHUR WE ARE BRITISH, COMPLETELY IGNORE THE SPELLINGS PLEASE.

Jamie looked at Alex and threw her arms around his shoulders. “My hero! Told you that I didn’t have to watch my back as long as I had you as a Beater.”
Jamie: And now, in the vein of Rose Potter, I shall give you lots of badly-described sex!

“Believe me, I’d love to take the credit for hitting that jerk, but it wasn’t me.” Alex indicated Tony Marburger the Slytherin Beater. “Marburger threw it, and I don’t think it was an accident.”
... Threw it? HE THREW A BLUDGER? Fuck these bints, he needs a medal! Do you know how ridiculously strong you'd have to be to CATCH a bludger in play and THROW IT? I want him on my team!

As the Gryffindors celebrated their victory the Slytherin team entered the locker room.

Dick Bancroft disgustingly spoke first,
Dear-heart, learn how to type descriptions of actions. It makes you look like a [more] pathetic author.

“I know you meant well by throwing that Bludger at Zacherley, but I wish you hadn’t. I had everything under control. If the collision with that tower hadn’t killed her the fall to the ground would have definitely done the trick.”
Unless someone, you know, used a levitation charm. Which they can do. Asshat.

Tony just looked at Dick. “This is our fourth year playing Quidditch together. When have you known me to miss my target with a Bludger at a range as close as I was to the two of you?”
Oooooh, SCANDALOUS!

Bancroft’s face looked like it would explode with rage. “You bastard! You threw that Bludger at me in order to save that Gryffindor bitch.
Let's have some applause for Sherlock Holmes here!

You’re no Slytherin! The Sorting Hat certainly screwed up when it placed you. We may be stuck with you in our house, but you’re off this team as of right now.”

“I have absolutely no problem with that!” Marburger shouted. “I joined this team to play Quidditch not to murder innocent people. Or have you forgotten that this is supposed to be a game? What is your problem with Zacherley anyway? I think she’s a great person.”
I'm torn. My morals tell me to root for Marburger (ridiculous bloody name), but my hatred for Sues tells me to root for Bancroft.

“Oh! Now it becomes crystal clear.” Bancroft said as he eyed the balance of the team that was listening to the conversation in silence. “Marburger here is smitten with Zacherley; wants to get in her pants.”
Of course he does, she's a Sue!

“I want to do no such thing,” Tony said, adamantly. “It’s just that I don’t understand the problem you have with her. She’d even save your arse if it were in trouble.
Haha, bullshit. Sues save no one. Oh, and once again: LOOK WE ARE SO BRITISH.

Why should I hate her just because she is in Gryffindor? Last winter she didn’t hesitate to save my sister because I was a Slytherin. I noticed you didn’t get your feet wet.”
Oooooh, look at the mud slinging.

Doris Burke, the other female on the Slytherin team, pulled the players to a corner as Marburger and Bancroft continued arguing.

Bancroft ignored this comment. “Zacherley is an idiot. Almost killed herself saving a toy baby doll.”
I agree. On principle.

“Well, in my opinion the world would be a lot better off if it had a lot more Jamie Zacherleys and a lot less bigoted types like you. I’m out of here.”
Ooooooh, 'bigoted'! Look at the term slinging! I'm rooting for Bancroft already.

As Tony headed toward the door, Doris rushed over and stopped him. “Don’t go anywhere Tony. This team is composed of seven players. Dick doesn’t speak for all of us. We want you on the team.”
Let's band together and act noble!

Bancroft stared angrily at Doris. “It doesn’t matter what you want. I’m the team captain and I pick the players.”

“Your right, the captain picks the players, but the players pick the captain. You are no longer the Slytherin captain.”

“You can’t do that! The whole team gets to vote. I get a vote.”

“You can have your vote, but it won’t change the outcome. I was just made captain by a vote of four to one. No matter how you or Tony votes, it won’t change that. As captain, I say Tony stays.”
I feel sorry for Bancroft. This seems like Sue-engineered hatred of a character who was clearly made to be a Malfoy substitute so that the author could take out their frustrations on him. Bastard.

“Well, if that turn coat stays, you can find yourselves a new Seeker because I quit.” Bancroft snarled vehemently.

Doris looked Dick straight in the eyes. “Dick, you’re a good Seeker and we don’t want you to leave, but that’s your choice.”
I thought you just voted him off? For, y'know, ATTEMPTING MURDER.

Doris: Hey Dick, we can't dare have you as our captain with you attempting murder and all, but we all really like you and want you as our Seeker, which is why we voted you off of being captain! Oh, and we won't report you for trying to kill her or anything, of course not.

This fic makes me sick to my stomach.

Bancroft threw his Quidditch robes of the floor as he stormed out of the locker room. “You losers won’t win a single game this season without me.”
Damn skippy, they won't.

Doris Burke looked at her teammates. “We do have a tough road ahead of us. Our first challenge is to find a new Seeker, and fast.”

* * * * * *

Amanda had gone to the Gryffindor girls’ locker room to discuss the Halloween party with Jamie. As she left to return to the dorm where homework awaited her, she saw Alex sitting in the corner of the team room. “Jamie isn’t ready yet. That long hair takes forever to dry. Everyone else has left. She told me to send you in if you were still waiting.”
Oh God no.

Alex looked at Amanda, “Is she…?
Nononononono...

“As naked as the day she was born. But you’re accustomed to seeing her that way.”
AAAUUUUGH!

As Amanda scooted off, Alex slowly open the door to the locker room. I don’t understand why lately this bothers me so much. Since first year I’ve seen Jamie nude over a hundred times.
-sputters- FIRST YEAR? THAT'S SICK!

It was no big deal; actually I had gotten so comfortable with it that I didn’t even take notice when she first started to develop. But lately its different, something has changed.
I'm disgusted now. They're called BREASTS you prag.

As soon as Alex entered the room, he spotted her sitting on a bench brushing her hair. He couldn’t get over how beautiful she was or how much she had changed since that first time he saw her nude in the spring of their first year.
Nyurrrrrrrgh.

It was a beautiful day. It was quite warm for early May. The sky was a bright blue with nary a cloud present. The three of them had spent most of the day outside enjoying the unseasonable weather. Unfortunately Amanda had to return to Gryffindor tower to complete a Transfiguration essay that she had put off for weeks.
Start flashback sequence. This is going to be the first time he sees her nude, and I'm going to be sick.

Since there were no classes on a Sunday, they had left their robes inside and were dressed comfortably. Alex had on a pair of jeans and a tee shirt and Jamie was wearing a cut off top and a pair of white short shorts. Alex had noted to himself that her lack of clothing really accentuated the fact that Jamie was quite thin.
Yay, anorexia! This author is pathetic, really.

They had been walking quite awhile when they decide to take a brief rest under some trees near the Quidditch changing rooms. They both plopped down facing each other with their backs against tree trunks. Jamie, Amanda and Alex had grown to be quite close friends. Because she was a girl, Jamie tended to share more with Amanda, but she loved and trusted Alex just as much. They were both enjoying this time alone together.
Yup, time alone tends to lead to hanky panky. How old are these two again?

As they were talking Jamie stretched as if reaching for the sky and yawned. As she did this, her top rode up exposing her….
Manly chest? At which point Alex realised that she was the author incarnate, and ran for his life?

Well, there wasn’t really anything to expose, but Alex looked away anyway. As his eyes looked down he saw that the crotch of Jamie’s shorts was red with blood.
INITIATE OVERREACTION!

Frantically he yelled, “Jamie, you’re bleeding. There’s blood on your shorts.”
Once again with the deadpan yelling. JAMIE. YOU ARE BLEEDING. THERE IS BLOOD ON YOUR SHORTS. Exclamation marks must have taken the day off.

Jamie looked down at her shorts and Alex thought he heard her swear. If she did, it was certainly out of character because Jamie never swore.
Tee-hee, isn't she just so perfect? -gag-

Now Jamie looked at Alex hoping he could deal with what she was about to say. “Alex, it’s my menstrual period. It’s my first time. I’m going to need some help from you.”
I feel his pain, I really do.

Alex looked at her dumb founded. “What can I do?”
Run for your life?

Jamie looked around in a near panic. She certainly didn’t want anyone to see her like this. How could she get to her dorm? “Alex lets see if the changing rooms are open.”
If this leads to anything resembling a sex scene, I am going to throw up on my keyboard.

She led the way as they hurried to try the door. Jamie was relieved as it opened and they entered the common area. Jamie was familiar with the room because she was on the Gryffindor team, but Alex had never seen it before. The ceiling and walls were draped with banners from all four houses. There were doors on either side of the room, but Jamie led him through the one on the left. The room they entered had chairs and a chalkboard where the teams had meetings and discussed strategy before a game. On the far side of this room were two doors. One door was marked boy’s locker room and the other girls. Alex hesitated as Jamie urged him into the room marked girls.
So going to turn into a sex scene.

“Alex, I need you to run back to the castle. Amanda should either be in the common room or in our dorm. Get her alone and tell her that I’ve finally gotten my period. I need my robes and the box of tampons in my top dresser drawer. Please cover the tampons with the robes so no one sees them.”
-whimpers-

“These are my favorite shorts. I’m going to try to get the blood out of them and take a shower. Please hurry back!”
And with that, Alex nodded and ran. Far away.

Alex simply said, “I’ll be back as soon as possible.”
HE LIES.

He ran all the way to the castle and through the halls to Gryffindor tower thankful that Jamie made him get up in the morning to workout with Professor Granger. Upon entering the common room he saw Amanda seated alone at a table just inside the door.
He panicked and babbled to her, trying to inform her of what just happened, and frothed at the mouth and passed out.

He quickly informed her of the situation before she lead him up to the first year girls’ dorm. After checking that no one was inside, she pulled him in behind her. “Seems like you’re getting an education on the workings of the female body.” She said, seemingly amused.
Erm, are we ignoring the sliding staircase? CANON HEAVENS NO WHAT IS THAT?

Alex didn’t smile. “I have to get back to Jamie.”
So that we can have PERIODSEX.

Amanda grabbed Jamie’s robes from the hook on the side of her bed and then went to the dresser. She pulled out a blue box and handed it to Alex.

Suddenly Alex remembered that Jamie was washing her shorts and probably her knickers as well. “She’ll need pants and knickers, also.”
SO BRITISH. WE'LL IGNORE THAT 'PANTS' ALSO CORRESPONDS TO UNDERWEAR BUT HEY THE AUTHOR CAN DO NO WRONG.

Amanada looked in Jamie’s lower drawer and pulled out a pair of jeans. She then pretended to look for knickers. “Her knickers must all be in the wash.”
KNICKERS KNICKERS KNICKERS LOOK HOW BRITISH WE ARE!

Alex seemed confused as to what he should do. Then just said, “I have to hurry, she’s waiting.”
I'm going to regret doing this chapter.

As Alex ran out of the dorm, Amanda thought to herself, ‘I think this may be the day Jamie revels her secret to him.’
That she's a Mary Sue, come to take over the universe?

Except for slowing down as he passed Professor Snape at the castle entrance,
As everyone should...

Alex ran all the way back to the Quidditch changing rooms. He lightly knocked on the locker room door. “Jamie, it’s me, Alex.”

Alex slowing opened the door, not knowing quite what to expect. A girl wrapped in a towel greeted him. It was a quite small towel that barely covered all it had to cover.
I thought she was scrawny? Unless the showers don't give students proper towels, because they encourage lesiban sex.

“Thank you Alex. I don’t know what I would have done without you. Can you get out one of those for me?”

Alex carefully opened the box and then hesitated. “What color do you want; purple, green or yellow?”
-spurts drink all over his desk-

Jamie was now the hesitant one. “They come in different colors?”
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA

Alex studied the box. “If this helps any, green is super, yellow is regular and purple is lites.”
HAHAHAHAHAHA -gasp- HAHAHAHAHA! Oh boy, that was good.

Jamie’s whole body had a red glow.
Cap'n, she cannae take any more!

“I don’t know what I’m doing Alex. Mum sent me those is case I got my period while at Hogwarts, but she didn’t explain exactly what do with them. Give me a green one, I guess.”
Such a considerate mother.

Alex handed one of the green printed Tampax to Jamie. He seemed to be being quite careful that it didn’t bite him. Jamie just looked at it with sort of a ‘now what’ expression on her face.
Oh. No.

As brilliant as Jamie was, obviously no one had ever shown her how to use one of these things. Alex had no idea either, but knew he had to help her.
No God no I swear

He removed another one from the box and after studying it removed the wrapper.
again and I'll always

He handled it a few minutes before discovering the secret.
I swear please just

His face turned a bright red as he showed Jamie how it worked.
make it stop!

Without saying a word Jamie handed the wrapped Tampax to Alex and took the open one with her to the nearest stall.
-inhales-

A few moments later she exited and after washing her hands came over any gave Alex a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you. If you hadn’t been here, I would have put it in wrapper and all. Alex, Please sit down. I have to talk to you.”
Oh thank God, no sex! THANK YOU GOD!

Alex sat down on a bench and Jamie seated herself on one about four feet directly across from him. As Jamie sat down, Alex struggled to keep eye contact. He couldn’t see how it would be possible for her to sit in that towel without something showing.
NYYYYYRRRRRGH CURSE YOU AUTHOR!

“Alex, you and I are best friends. In ways we are even closer than Amanda and I are and yet she knows things about me that you don’t. Things you should know. Things that I haven’t told you simply because you’re a boy and that’s wrong.”
KEEP IT THAT WAY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THERE ARE THINGS HE DOESN'T WANT TO KNOW!

Alex sat there in bewildered silence as Jamie told him about her parents and how they had meet in one of Voldemort’s prison camps and fallen in love.
IT'S JUST oh. That's not so bad.

She told him how her parents had realized they had so much in common,
Pretty normal actually.

one thing being that they were both nudists.
Completely nor-- wait. What? AUUUUGHAJADGKJASGDJKASHFKJLAHSDKLAGLKGJAG -froths at the mouth-

Alex just sat and shook his head as he was told that she never wore clothes at home and that if it were allowed she would always be naked, even here at Hogwarts except when extremely cold weather prohibited it.
I HATE YOU FOREVER AUTHOR DO YOU HEAR ME I WILL

He sat there a few moments before asking, “If you were at home you wouldn’t be wrapped in a towel? If I came to your house you would greet me at the door naked?”
PITS OF THE FIREY ABYSS FOREVER

"No and yes.” Suddenly, Jamie broke into a huge smile. “Alex is it that you don’t believe me or that you’ve never seen a naked girl; you haven’t, have you?”
THIS PURILE FUCK I CANNOT SEE FOR MY BLINDING BLOOD RAGE

Alex hesitated. “ No, I’ve only seen just pictures.”
EVISCERATION IS TOO NICE FOR YOU OH YES I WILL USE THE SPOON

Jamie stood up. “Well, I can guarantee those pictures had a lot more than I do.” She yanked off the towel and threw it on the bench.
MY EYES DEAR JESUS MY EYES!

Alex didn’t know whether to turn his head or stare. He stared as Jamie sat down and then he turned away.
Good boy! DON'T LOOK BACK!

“Alex, you can look all you want. As I told you before, I’m quite comfortable being nude. It’s natural for a boy who has never seen a girl to want to stare. It doesn’t bother me if you look.”
DON'T LOOK BOY!

They sat and talked for nearly two hours. During that conversation he found out why Jamie’s knickers would always be “in the wash.”
Oh dear Jesus why?

Alex was surprised that after a time he actually got used to Jamie’s nudity. It almost seemed weird when she dressed to return to the castle.
NO! NO NO NO NO! IT IS NOT NORMAL IN ANY WAY!

* * * * * *

Alex momentarily stood watching Jamie comb her hair. It’s amazing how that body has changed in four years.
So they're fifteen. How lovely.

“Wouldn’t you think after all these years some wizard would come up with a spell to dry hair?” Alex asked.
They probably have, asshat.

Jamie agreed. “But one that doesn’t singe or set it on fire.”

“Jamie, have you heard the news?”

“What news?”
Alex: YOU HAVE AIDS AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Er, I was kidding. You can stop frothing at the mouth now.

“Slytherin canned Bancroft as captain and he quit the team.”

“Really,” said Jamie. “I for one won’t miss playing against him.”
SO NICE ISN'T SHE DARLING GIRL.

“Unfortunately the way his mind works he will probably blame this all on you.”

“Yeah, I guess I should have let him kill me. Look at my breast. Do you think it will get black and blue where he ran into me.”
Question marks are on strike, apparently.

Alex took a close look at Jamie’s side. “Does it hurt, I don’t see any bruise mark..”
Her breasts are on her side now? Malformed bint.

“It felt like a truck hit me when he collided with me. I wish I knew why he hated me so much.”
BECAUSE YOU'RE A SUE!

“That’s easy,” Alex answered. “You’re everything he’s not and never will be; he’s jealous.”
VERY MUCH A SUE

Jamie giggled. “Do you really think he wants to be a girl? How do you think he would look with breasts?”
SUE OUT THE EARS

“You know what I mean.” Alex pretended he was going to smack Jamie’s butt.
KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF!

“Naughty, naughty. Remember the first rule when dealing with a nudist. Never touch normally covered body parts. Now you, however, are fair territory.” Jamie slapped Alex on the butt.
WHAT? Ugh, so you're a pervert with a sense of decency. I see. How... conflicting.

“Oh! Its war you want.” Alex went to grab Jamie, but she was too fast for him. Suddenly the race was on as Jamie ran around lockers and jumped over benches finally running out of the locker room and through the team meeting room to the front door.
This is going to end badly.

“Now I’ve got you,” Alex declared. Jamie had her back to the exit door. “You have no place to go. Prepare to be tickled.”
Isn't she at the exit door?

“Don’t bet on it, the world is at my door.” Jamie opened the door and ran outside.

Momentarily, Alex was frozen in place. That was the exit door. She just ran outside starkers.
People: OH DEAR JESUS COVER UP YOU STIPID TART!

Alex was out the door. He couldn’t believe his eyes. He expected Jamie to be huddled by the door, but instead she was running toward the deserted Quidditch pitch. Alex took off after her, but she was a faster runner. She is mad, absolutely mad.
No, she's luring you into public sex! Like Cedric! RUN AWAY!

As Jamie ran, she thought. I must be mad. I can’t believe I’m actually doing this. One lap just let me run one lap around the pitch. This is heaven. Why can’t I always run like this?
Because you'll wind up with a set of droopy, swinging knockers?

Alex ran his hardest, but Jamie was headed back toward the changing room by the time he completed the lap.
Nnnnngh.

She was standing in the middle of the room when he finally entered and threw his arms around her naked body. “Are you nutters? Are you trying to get yourself expelled? What if you had been seen?”
INCOMING.

He held her tight in his arms realizing how much he would miss her if she were forced to leave school.
AWOOOOGAH! INCOMING SEX SCENE.

“Alex, you can’t imagine how wonderful that felt. Every morning I wish I could exercise and run like that. I have to do that again and soon.”
Hello? Droopy swinging knockers?

Suddenly Jamie realized Alex was hugging her tightly to his body. She was naked. He had never hugged her naked before.
Oh no.

Something unfamiliar was pressing against her body.
AIIIIEEEE! WHY GOD WHY?

She abruptly pulled away from Alex. Without looking at him, she said, “It’s getting late, I best get dressed now so that we can head back to the castle. Amanda will be worried.”
Oh, phew. That was still bad, author. BAD AUTHOR! -gets out his squirt bottle and squirts the author-

Sunday, October 26, 2003 3:00 PM
Ooh, an hour away from tea.

It had been an extremely quiet day, but then that was normal for the day after a Quidditch match. Their dorm mates had gone to the library, but Jamie and Amanda had remained behind just being lazy as they lay on their beds and chatted.
No lesbian sex, right? Whew.

“I’ve made up my mind Amanda. This Friday while everyone is at the house Halloween party I’m going to do it.”
Please don't have sex with Alex. That's not right.

“You’re going to do what Jamie?”

”Give myself to Harry Potter.”
-spits his drink all over his other desk- APAHABAHAG WHAAAAAAAAAAAT?

“Oh.” Amanda said timidly. “I had hoped that you changed your mind about that.”
LISTEN TO HER JAMIE! SHE IS YOUR FUCKING VOICE OF REASON!

“You think I have some kind of school girl crush on him, don’t you?”
Amanda and audience: YES.

“No, not at all. I understand your motives totally. Not only that, but I have the same opinion. If it weren’t for him, in all likelihood I wouldn’t have my best friend. It’s just what you want to give him. What are you going to do? Walk up to him and say, ‘Hi Professor Potter, you saved my life 5 years ago, want to shag?’”
AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!

Jamie got off her bed and walked toward the window; then turned back toward Amanda with tears in her eyes. “Amanda you make what I want to do sound so dirty. You make it sound like its something from a filthy porno movie.
BECAUSE IT IS! IT IS NOT ONLY ILLEGAL, BUT IT IS SICK! You're FIF-FUCKING-TEEN! There are STATUTORY RAPE CHARGES ON THE MAN YOU 'LOVE' SO MUCH TO THINK ABOUT, YOU SELF-CENTRED, HORNY BITCH!

“My dad always told me that I was extremely lucky because I had a sort of a sixth sense when it came to judging people. He said I always knew whom I could and couldn’t trust. He must be right. Look at the wonderful relationships I have with you and Alex and now with Caitlin. He also felt that I would be able to tell when the right person came along: the guy I wanted to give my special gift.
'Special gift'. GAG.

“Amanda, this won’t be the first time I’ve made love to Harry Potter. I’ve lost count of how many times we’ve been together in my dreams and each time was better than the previous.
TEEHEE WE HAD SEX IN DREAMS AND THAT IS THE EXACT SAME AS IN REAL LIFE. I want to KICK HER IN THE CROTCH.

“I sense we were destined to be together.
What about Alex? Poor boy, I feel sorry for him now.

The rebounding of Voldemort’s curse spared my parents lives so that they could marry and conceive me. Then he comes out of an exit at the Quidditch Patch that no one else was using just in time to save me. Now just as I’ve turned fifteen, he returns from the Muggle world to be my professor. I can’t picture anyone being more deserving of my love.
My eye has now developed a permanent twitch. I hate you.

“If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t even be thinking about a true love.
YOU STILL SHOULDN'T!

I want to give him what is most important to me. I want to make love to him, because I love him for being who he is and making it possible for me to be who I am. I love him for giving me my parents, my life and making it possible for me to have wonderful friends like you. Please don’t make my wanting to be with him sound dirty and cheap.”
Okay, it IS. He's countless years older than you, you're still ILLEGAL, and you're a starstruck little FIFTEEN YEAR OLD TEENAGER. You may think it's noble and important and blah fookin' blah, but it's NOT. It's hormones and a crush speaking, and you just want to bang the nearest hot desirable man-object. Stop trying to sound holier-than-thou and preachy, you deranged little fuckstain.

Amanda approached Jamie and put her arms around her. “I’m sorry Jamie. It’s not at all dirty. What you want to do is beautiful everything about you is beautiful. I hope he realizes how lucky he is and how special you are.”
UUUUUGH. NO.

They hugged for a few moments before Amanda spoke. “How exactly do you intend to do this?”
NO.

“That night that he rescued me, he left me wrapped in his Quidditch robes. I saved them all these years and asked my parents to owl them to me. Caitlin has given me the password to the staircase entrance that leads to the teacher’s quarters. She’s also shown me which room belongs to Professor Potter.
NONONONONONO

“Friday I intend to wear those Wales Quidditch robes as my costume for the party, but slip out about nine o’clock and sneak up to his room. When he answers his door I’ll refresh his memory of our past,
NO

tell him how much I love him for giving me the opportunity to live and offer him my gift as I return his robes.”
And he'll yell at you, call you a deranged little cunt, and tell you to get the FUCK out of his room before he's arrested for RAPE!

“I imagine you intend to be naked under the robes.”
-whimper-

Jamie nodded, yes.
We are sorry, but the sporker you are seeking has been indisposed.

“Won’t you be frightened?” Amanda asked.
He is currently curled up in the foetal position in a corner.

“Only that he’ll turn me down and report me to the Headmaster.”
AS. HE. SHOULD.

“Jamie, he’s human and a man. There is no way he’ll say no to your face and body.”
-sputters- WHAT? DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE ENCOURAGING HER TO DO? TO HAVE SEX WHILE UNDERAGE AND GET THIS MAN IN TROUBLE?

“I wish I was as confident of that as you.”

* * * * * *

“How are our plans progressing?” Will her chamber be ready and properly fitted in time?”
And now for something completely different...

“All will be as you have ordered Great One.
IT'S--

The chamber itself is prepared, however, much of the décor must be hand made.
Evil Bad Guy's Plan Exposition! -cue theme music-

Sadly most of the embellishments that we ordered are not manufactured. They are being hand made to exactly match the style of that era. In regards to that, the crafter of the Cage had a question. Did you want the band for between the legs with or without the sharp iron spike? ”
I hate this author and this fic.

“Without. If it is determined that any mutilation is necessary, I want us to have the enjoyment. I regret I can not be there to oversee, but I have the greatest confidence in you, Damien.”
I am not liking where this is going.

“Thank you Great One. My goal is to serve you dependably. The others appreciate your lack of ability to be with us currently, but will celebrate your return.”
Yaay. Whoop dee doo.

“Damien, you have proved your faithfulness on many occasions. When I rule you shall be justly rewarded.”

“I seek not reward Great One. Having you rule will be my greatest reward.”
That's a good sychopanthic toady. Who wants a biscuit?

“Do you have any questions?”

“Yes, if I may be so bold. If the pigeon agrees to join us how will you discern she is speaking the truth?”
By using legilimancy.

“She will be given two tests. The first will be to pleasure you.”
-a third desk suffers a lemonade induced death-

“Me! You are too kind my lord. What if she refuses?”
Then you are to rape her, of course. Really, you know this author, what else would you do?

“Dismember her and send the pieces to Potter.”
Oooh, nice torturous plan.

“What if she should pass that trial? What will be her final challenge?”
To have sex with all of your companians?

“She will be required to torture and kill the little bitch that now refers to her as Mum.”
Ah. Lovely.

Damien smiled. “How wicked. How beautifully wicked.”
Assa good toadie, yes oo is.

Right, I'm done. I have finished my part, and may this fic burn in the abyss of fanfiction hell. I'M DONE DO YOU HEAR ME?

Fanfic 100 SECOND entry

gabrielmobius@gmail.com — Mon, 17 Apr 2006 03:30:48 GMT

Title: Voldemort Reclaims His Title
Fandom: Harry Potter
Fic: Rose Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Prompt: #72, Fixed
Word Count: 1,655
Rating: PG
Summary: Rose Potter fights Canon!Voldemort at the end of Goblet of Fire.
Author's Notes: I couldn't stand seeing Voldemort pussified, so here's how it SHOULD have gone.

Wormtail approached me, raised his silver hand, and then with one swipe, cut through the bonds trying me to the gravestone.

There was a split second, perhaps, when I considered merely Teleporting away and leaving Voldemort and his Death Eaters limp and unfulfilled, it was certainly appealing, but a statement and a point had to made here. Voldemort said he was all powerful…hah…pathetic…he was nothing compared to the very power of creation in which he himself resided, which he sought to defy.

The Death Eaters closed ranks, forming a tighter circle around me and Voldemort, so that the gaps where the missing Death Eaters should have stood were filled. I raised my head and grinned at Voldemort, waiting. Voldemort for his part narrowed his eyes at my apparent humour but did nothing to stop it, probably thinking I was going mad or something.

Wormtail walked out of the circle to the place where Cedric had disappeared, and returned with my wand, which he thrust roughly in my hand without looking at me. Then Wormtail resumed his place in the circle of watching Death Eaters.

“You have been taught how to duel, Rose Potter?” said Voldemort softly, his red eyes glinting through the darkness. My only answer was to raise my wand at Voldemort in a sideways duelling stance, my left hand out, ready to channel druidic magic, my mind shifting into as deep a Void as I could muster. I knew I was facing all three Unforgivable curses, and it would be a stretch to fight all three, my eyes looked at all the thick marble gravestones around me and it gave me an idea…

“Good, Rose, and now we bow to each other,” said Voldemort, bending a little, but keeping his snake-like face upturned to me.

“You think I would bow to you…” I said almost serenely. “You have no honor Voldemort; I doubt you know the meaning of the word. You kill in cold blood, skulk in the shadows…”

“Come now the niceties must be observed, Rose…Dumbledore would like you to show manners…bow to death, Rose…” retorted Voldemort his anger coming to the fore.

The Death Eaters were laughing again. Voldemort’s lipless mouth was smiling suddenly. But I did not bow. I was not going to let Voldemort play with me…I was not going to give him the satisfaction…

“I said bow,” said Voldemort, raising his wand – and I felt a powerful magic attempt to make my spine curve, I flicked my own wand almost casually… and nothing happened. I didn’t even have time to react as the force pushed me down, and I found myself forced into a bow.

“There now,” Voldemort said with a smile. His Death Eaters laughed even louder, and all I could do was feel extreme rage at being humiliated like this. “Very good, Rose. You surprise me, you know. Clearly the old man has trained you, as demonstrated by your supreme arrogance at thinking that you could stop me with a flick of your wand. And now, we duel…”

Voldemort raised his wand, and cast a Cruciatus that I attempted to side-step, but found the magic had somehow caught me, and I felt supreme pain rushing through my body. I couldn’t understand it, I had utilised my martial arts training as I had done in the past, how was his curse able to hit me?

The waves of pain ceased as suddenly as they had began, and I looked up to see Voldemort’s glowering features towering over me. “Yes, Rose,” he said, a visible sneer crossing his face, “I am better than you. Did you really think that a filthy little daughter of a mudblood like you could stand up to me?” The gathered Death Eaters erupted with derisive laughter at this, and I could feel their jeers upon me.

I was forced to conjure a gleaming silver shield in front of me to attempt to deflect his next Cruciatus curse, but it caused me to stagger backwards as I tried to stand up. I was forced to overexert myself with getting to my feet, and I quickly waved my wand in circle around me and animated and controlled all the thick marble headstones I could sense around me. They jumped out of the ground and zoomed towards me, knocking a few Death Eaters around the legs and back, causing few to even flip over and scream in pain as a bone or two was broken.

Seven headstones lay animated at my feet.

Voldermort retaliated with the next Unforgivable, the Imperius curse, which I purposefully let hit me. He was lucky so far, I was sure of this. I could beat this curse.

I felt for the third time in my life, the sensation that my mind had been wiped of all thought…ah, it was bliss, not to think, it was as though I was floating, dreaming…drop your wand…drop your wand…

I will not, said a stronger voice, in the back of my mind. Stupid thing to do…

Drop it…

I won’t do it…

Just drop it the wand…

“I WON’T!” I screamed, breaking the Imperius curse. “I did it!” I thought strongly, waving my wand at Voldemort again. My wand recoiled, just barely deflecting the Stunning hex that Voldemort had lazily fired at me as I broke the Imperius curse. I looked shocked, this couldn’t be happening. I waved my wand, and fired a Conjunctivitis curse at him, sure this would hit.

Voldemort merely deflected the curse, and threw another Cruciatus in return. I tried to dodge it again, but I was somehow caught by it, and sent smashing into two of the headstones laying in front of me as I reeled in blinding pain.

“My turn if that’s how you want to play it…” I grunted as he released the curse, and flicked my wand at a Death Eater. ‘Imperio!’

“What?” said Voldemort in surprise. He turned his attention away from me, looking at the Death Eater I knew to be Crabbe, and who I had cast the Imperius curse on. The Death Eater looked slightly puzzled, and shrugged, and Voldemort erupted in scathing laughter. “Casting Unforgivables? On the Death Eaters? I’m beginning to rethink my assumption that Dumbledore trained you, you’re too much a fool for that to be true!”

Voldemort’s face took on a sneer worthy of Snape, and he started advancing on me.

“You’re mortal, you know,” he said, lazily batting away the Cruciatus curse I had tried to send at him. “You are weak, feeble, and inferior.”

I howled in fury and waved my wand and cast a Tempus Jinx at Voldemort, he waved his own wand at oncoming wave of time magic and disappated it instantly. He did not even have to break his stride, and was quickly approaching the headstones in front of me. “How… how is this possible?” I thought, trying to conceal my rage and fear.

“Avada Kedavra!” snarled Voldemort; it seemed he had had enough of our little duel. One of the animated tombstones at my feet suddenly came to life and jumped in front of me, intercepting the Killing curse and marble bits and dust flew everywhere as it exploded.

“How many of those do you have in you, Tom?” I asked laughing. “I doubt even you can cast six Killing curses in the space of a few minutes.”

Voldemort froze, a look of horror on his face. I smirked, a look of triumph coming over mine, before my own expression shattered. Voldemort and the Death Eaters had burst into laughter, and Voldemort’s wand was pointed at me.

“‘Have in me’? ‘Have in me’? Do you even understand how that curse works, little girl? No, you don’t… you can’t. Because you have not the power to use it. You have the heart to use it, I can tell. My spies have kept me very well informed, oh yes. I know what sort of person you are, Miss Potter, and you cannot harm me.” The last few words were snarled as he swept away a tombstone that I had sent at him, the block of stone bursting into pieces.

I tried to send more curses, hexes, jinxes, and even the tombstones at him. Each was deflected, or reflected, or even just avoided. He kept coming at a steady pace, and I was now forced to step backwards to try and escape from him. As he reached the tombstones, he waved his wand and shattered them all, a gleeful smile coming over his face.

“Yes, Potter… this duel has been all sorts of fun. It reminded me of the first time that I was challenged by some child whose parents I had killed. He did have more up his sleeve, however. Disappointing.”

I had reached my limit, and called upon my druidic power. The ground around the cemetery started to quake and crumble, and the roots of the nearby trees erupted. They had all sprouted thorns, and quickly whipped at the death eaters and Voldemort. Voldemort looked shocked, but ignored the roots and cast a Cruciatus curse at me. I lost control of the magic, and the roots fell limply back into the crevices in the ground.

“That was unexpected, Potter,” he sneered, now standing directly over me. “I didn’t envision you having that kind of power. A nice ace up your sleeve… but useless in the end. How does it feel to know that you lie helpless, defeated, and humiliated in front of me?”

I snarled at him, but the pain caused my jaw to lock and my lungs to seize up. But oddly, the pain ceased, and I had enough time to look up and see Voldemort point his wand down at my chest.

“However, I tire of this little distraction. Goodbye, Potter. It was… amusing, while it lasted. Avada Kedavra!”

The last that I saw was a flash of green light, and then nothingness.