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Herongale

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[Dec. 14th, 2009|10:21 pm]
My primary thought while catching up on all the VB wanks is that Journalfen really, really needs the "expand comments" feature. D:
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My Top 20 OTPs of All Time! [Jun. 11th, 2009|05:22 am]
(crossposted to LJ)

I originally started working on this list years ago (literally years ago), but then I set it aside because my descriptions of each pairing were getting to be ridiculously long, and I was talking about the backstory and facts and all of this annoying stuff which really has nothing to do with why I like certain pairings.

So today I have decided to start over. Let's start at the top.

1. Scar/Ed. (Fullmetal Alchemist)

Anyone who knows me as Herongale knows this. I love Scar so much I had his array tramp-stamped to my body. I wrote epic fanfic for this pairing, some of the best writing I have ever done. Scar is an emotionally crippled man, uptight and judgmental. Ed is passionate and brutally smart, unconventional but also highly judgmental. The ideal chemistry between them is prickly and cautious developing into a beautiful emotional co-dependancy. I LOVE THEM SO MUCH.

If one wants to be technical, this is the ONLY "one true pairing" I've got. Because it's the most important, and always will be.

2. Daisuke/Ken. (Digimon 02)

The pairing I made my name with; also the pairing that brought [info]anax permanently into my life. There was a lot of flexibility in this pairing, and a lot of people preferred the kinky/messed up Kaizer/Daisuke side of things, but for me I was far more into what happened to them after Ken "found his heart." Both characters had flaws, big ones, and kind of needed the other to make up for these flaws. I will never get over how purely sweet this pairing is for me. This is love at its most innocent and fresh.

3. Raistlin/Caramon (Dragonlance)

A pairing that has lain dormant in my heart for a long time; I haven't revisited it in years. But I give it a high place, higher than several of my active loves, simply because it made a profound impression on me. I still love it very much. I never participated in any online fandom and I never wrote fanfic: I loved this before internet access was widely available. Raistlin was a very convincingly evil, bitter character, and Caramon was his heart. "Look Raist, bunnies!" The defense rests.

4. Nynaeve/Lan (Wheel of Time)

Nynaeve happens to be one of my single favourite characters of all time, and I identify with her almost as strongly as I do with Reki from Haibane Renmei. There is a lot to criticize about the WoT series, but Nynaeve's evolution remains one of the most well-laid out, complex evolutions of a major character I have ever seen. For one thing, she actively devolves over the course of several books: she starts out strong and comes off as very wise and impressive, but as she travels the world and begins to understand it better, she becomes foolish and weak. Silly. This all happens because she lets go of the mask she wore, the role of Village Wisdom. She found actual strength in that role, but it was only after losing all of that was she able to start finding strength in her self. Anyway, I don't think it's hyperbole to say that Lan is the catalyst of all this: she wants to better herself for him. Lan is a very noble man, but brittle and crippled in much the same way Scar is, and together the two have a chemistry I adore.

5. Megatron/Starscream (Transformers G1)

Starscream is my favourite male character of all time (yes, I love him more than Scar). He gets pride of place because I have loved him ever since I was 11 years old (Digidestined aged FYI). He is shallow, vain, petty, grasping, arrogant, cruel.... and totally, totally awesome. Anyone with half a brain cell can't help but note that he and Megatron have a very special chemistry, with Megatron singling him out for beatings and insults but also refusing to kill him even though Starscream is a blatant traitor who barely ever even tries to hide his ambitions. I love the rivalry, the brutal in-your-face aggression of their relationship. Plus, it's just so fucking precious. And unpretentious. I can't take myself seriously when I get to thinking about the two of them together, and I like that a lot.

6. Haseo/Skeith (.hack//G.U.)

Kind of surprising that this one only comes in at the six slot, considering how eagerly I love it, and how quickly it has become important to me. It's a pairing I share with Anax, and it's his fault that I love it at all. Skeith has almost no personality as far as official canon is concerned, but Anax has detailed via The Power of Imagination a richly complex, beautifully compelling version of this character. Skeith is a powerful AI, intelligent and dangerous, but also adorably naive. He doesn't know as much as he thinks he knows. Haseo has some of the prickliness and emotional standoffishness of Scar, mixed in with some of the youth and vigor of Ed... but with many qualities which are uniquely his own. It is both pathetic and amazing that he'd fall in love with an online AI. And trust me: very, very hot.

7. Katchoo/Francine (Strangers in Paradise)

First and only femmeslash pairing on this list. I followed their relationship through the comic as it was being released, and the fact that they spent several years away from each other, estranged, tore my heart to bits whenever I thought about it too hard. There's a lot of personal identification in this one: personality-wise, I am often like Francine, and Anax is a lot like Katchoo. Their arguments were so vivid to me. I have actually had fights just like that. I found the ending of the comic book to be a little too rushed and pat (I wanted to spend more time seeing them together damnnit), but the journey was hella moving. And hot: a Francine and Katchoo kiss is like a million times hotter than a frank sex scene for other, lesser characters.

8. Anne/Gilbert (Anne of Green Gables)

So sweet and pure. This was an innocent love of my early years. I never imagined them getting it on beyond kissing, but that was enough for me then. It remains enought for me now. I actually went to Prince Edward Island back in high school, so I got to walk in the world that Anne loved so much. I could imagine her and Gilbert together there.

9. Frodo/Sam (Lord of the Rings)

I have always had this thing for all-consuming devotion. I hardly even knew that I shipped these characters growing up; for many years I didn't even know what shipping was. The physical, carnal potential of the pairing mostly eludes me, since I am into it almost entirely for the love and the mutual willingness to sacrifice for the other. I don't care if they never have sex; I just like seeing them together. One of the reasons the end of the LotRs always fucks me over emotionally is having to stay with Sam as he waves goodbye to the greatest, deepest love of his life.

10. Skyfire/Starscream (Transformers G1)

First repeat customer! Starscream is literally millions of years old, so Skyfire kind of comes in as Starscream's "first love." They were scientists and explorers together, doing god knows what kind of research. Now they are enemies, but I think it's a kind of bittersweet thing. This is my "sweet" Starscream pairing with lots of emo, emo enough to rival Armada Starscream's entire career of emo. I believe that Skyfire truly loves Starscream and that they could even be in love again someday, if they both could forgive each other for their various betrayals.

11. Eric/Sheila (Dungeons and Dragons)

I wrote fanfiction for this pairing. I actually did. It will never see the light of day because it was so bad, but Eric hits my "snarky brittle lonely asshole" kink square on. I just love redemption cases, and he is this spoiled little rich brat. Most people pair him with Diana and he and she do have a kind of bickering sort of chemistry, but for me the appeal of that is lessened because Diana is already pretty well put together. She would never need Eric. Sheila, on the other hand, has weakness of her own, and although the show pushes pretty hard to pair her up with Hank, I think that putting the two emotional weaklings together makes for more interesting chemistry. Let Hank and Diana, the two heros, have sweet uncomplicated romance. I like the brokeness and awkwardness and hesitations of an Eric/Sheila pairing way too much to ever give it up. This pairing may deserve to even be higher in the rankings, but that's only because pairings 7-11 are all fairly equivalent, and my ordering in this set is fairly arbitrary.

12. Rick/Minmay (Robotech)

It just now occurs to me that May and Miriya didn't even make this list, and I love them so much. That just means that the 20 I included are all-stars in the Herongale pantheon. This was one of my first shared fandoms. Back in fifth grade my friend Michelle and I would meet every day to play, and we'd pretend each of us to be a Robotech character: she got Lisa, I was Minmay. I loved Minmay: she was awkward and childish and not very bright, but she had a very good heart. We were doing our little LARP during Robotech's first TV run, so neither of us knew who Rick was going to choose... it broke my heart when Rick ended up with Lisa, although I knew that was probably best for him, because I was sooo invested in him ending up with me Minmay. For a period of time, this pairing was alive for me in a way no pairing has ever been, before or since. I think the fact that it didn't work out actually helped ensure my continued love of the pairing, because I wanted sooo desperately to believe another reality was possible. I obsessed trying to think up ways it could happen.

13. Elizabeth/Mr. Darcy (Pride and Prejudice)

What does Mr. Darcy have in common with Scar, Ken, Starscream, Haseo, Eric, and Raistlin? Oh yes... in his own way, he's a little bit of an asshole. I love how he has to eat his pride once he falls for the girl he was so quick to scorn. This pairing is so lovingly and perfectly depicted in the source material (aka the novel) that I never felt the need to elaborate on it, not even in my fantasy life, but I really enjoyed reading certain scenes over and over (and over) again. Anyone who has read the book knows what I am talking about. In any case, this was the pairing that showed me that dialogue, when done right, is probably the hottest part of any relationship story. This is a lesson I have never forgotten.

14. Raistlin/Crysania (Dragonlance)

Another repeat offender! I fell for this pairing right away, the first time I read "Time of the Twins." I already was in love with Raistlin, in as far as I could be anyway, and then I read the first scene where Crysania shows up and is totally seduced by the evil mage. That scene turned me on SO HARD and as far as I knew or cared, Crysania was some kind of conveniently placed Mary Sue. And in some ways it turned out to be the case (okay, totally): but she never "saved" Raistlin. Instead, he used her to the bitter end, and she ends up alone and blind and I kind of fell in love with her for her own self. This relationship always felt so one-sided to me, which made it bittersweet.

15. Jo/Laurie (Little Women)

Why, oh why, oh why was this never canon? I liked Mr. Bhaer and Amy okay, but Jo and Laurie had freaking CHEMISTRY. I think the only reason Alcott decided against this pairing was that it was insufficiently moral, i.e. she couldn't make a moral tale of their love. Jo ends up with Mr. Bhaer and it's a lesson in "not judging by appearances" and "loving being poor," whereas Laurie needed to be with Amy so the both of them could learn how not to be superficial. Important life lessons to be sure, but I still feel cheated.

16. Osamu/Ken (Digimon 02)

Sick. Wrong. I KNOW. But somehow so, so right. I can't even talk about this one, it's too shameful.

17. Doumeki/Watanuki (xxxHolic)

Oh, CLAMP. This is only one in a long line of practically canonical shounen-ai pairings involving an eternal spiritual soulbonding relationship between male characters. Admitting to loving this almost feels like admitting to loving Burger King Whoppers: it's a pairing designed to appeal to the masses (sadly, in this case masses of pre-pubescent girls). I have been known to find myself theoretically supporting other not-quite-canon CLAMP pairings (Kurogane/Fai from Tsubasa Resevoir Chronicles and Toya/Yukito from Card Captor Sakura spring INSTANTLY to mind!), but this one has some features of authenticity that cause it to transcend the usual CLAMP stereotypes. It does not hurt that the emotional dynamic reminds me a little of Scar and Ed... but I think the thing that I really like is that Doumeki, the seemingly detached and "cool" one of the two, is also the one who is more consciously devoted: Watanuki, the spazz, spends almost all of his time brooding over Himawari, and he has a very hard time even admitting that Doumeki is a friend, let alone someoen he has a special connection to.

18. Madarame/Saki (Genshiken)

Nothing spells out "doomed" so well as Madarame's completely unrequited love for Saki: Saki is perfectly happy in a relationship with the man of her dreams, and she remains with her boyfriend throughout the series. It would be easy to describe my affection for this pairing in terms of the necessary geeky heartbreak, by concentrating only on Madarame's side of the equation. But the thing that makes this an OTP actually comes from Saki: as a militantly non-otaku person, she ends up with a very comfortable friendship with Madarame, and when she talks to him a lot more of her personality emerges than we ever see when she's with Kousaka. Were Madarame cute, he would be her ideal man: but he is not, and so she will never see it. They have real chemistry that is mutual, but the romantic feelings will always be his and his alone.

19. Haseo/Endrance (.hack//G.U.)

aka Ryou and Kaoru. Haseo is back, but this time with a hopelessly reclusive shut-in with absolutely zero real-life self confidence. Endrance is shamelessly smitten with Haseo, and is proud to advertise his feelings to anyone who will ask: but in real life he is super shy. It would take a lot for these two to meet IRL but that is the basis of most of the fan interest. Harukami wrote a series of fics for this pairing which kind of perfectly illustrate the wrongness and wonderfulness of Endrance's feelings, and even though I'm not actively crushing on it, I am confident this pairing will always be one I treasure.

20. Gokudera/Tsuna (Reborn)

It's a testament to how amazing this pairing is that I love it DESPITE massive canon failure. It's all about Gokudera's devotion for me: he is this awesome badass cranky teenager who just lights up whenever he sees Tsuna. He'd do anything for Tsuna. Tsuna I could take or leave, but Gokudera.... ;___;


And that's it. I just kind of wrote up whatever came to mind.

Here is the final tally:

slash: 11 pairings
het: 8 pairings
yuri: 1

So what say you? It's time for everyone to trot out their top twenties for inspection!
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[Mar. 9th, 2009|06:11 am]
I live in the voodoo capital of the world, and I hope the curse I laid on her works.

There are times when an otherwise unfunny wank thread tosses out some serious gems.
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guilt by association, blame by fiat [Feb. 11th, 2009|09:53 pm]
A friend of mine, [info]midnightbanshee, recently made a post on a controversial subject.

Let me briefly describe the background. In the Hitman Reborn fandom, there is a fairly prominent doujinka named Naka who has in the past requested that people respect her wishes not to make scanlations of her projects, and after discovering that this request has been violated, has decided to announce that from now on she will no longer take orders from people in English-speaking nations.

My Many, Many Thoughts )
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I'm not sorry I met you, I'm not sorry it's over [Jul. 22nd, 2008|12:30 am]
When there's nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire.
Stars, "Your Ex-Lover is Dead"

Note: All Spoilers Under Cut.

Avatar is not a series that needs me to recommend it, and I don't think I'm going to sway anyone's opinions no matter how convincing my praise. Nevertheless I feel compelled to talk about the last episode. So many promising series fall down in the end, piling disappointment upon confusion, showing either contempt for the viewer, or a lack of follow-through and insight on the part of the creator.

Not so, for Avatar: the Last Airbender.

Great ideas often have implications that even the creator doesn't realize at first. Some stories are plotted out from the start; some evolve with the telling. But no meaningful story ends well if the creator never took a step back from his work to do the hard work of understanding his own creation.

And trust me, it IS hard work.

Spoilers under cut... as well as praise that h8ters might as well skip )


Oh the blood and the treasure--
and the losing it all--
the time that we wasted--
and the place where we fall.
Will we wake in the morning
and know what it was for?
Up in our bedroom, after the war?


Stars, "The Beginning After the End"

(crossposted under flock to my LJ)
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Music Share: Belle and Sebastian [Jul. 9th, 2008|01:42 am]
Five million years ago, I promised [info]sepiamagpie that I would upload my favouritest Belle and Sebastian song of all time, Seeing Other People.

Finally I remembered!
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Finally! A Meme I can do without Writing Stuff! [May. 8th, 2008|03:44 pm]
Here I am, as a teen and now! Drawn by moi.

Yeah, I would have said 'Drawn by moi' back in the day... )
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diversions of the mind and accusations of triviality [Apr. 29th, 2008|12:56 am]
(crossposted at my LJ)

Clay Shirky, internet/communications scholar and author of the book Here Comes Everybody, which I've been reading recently, has a very interesting interview transcript located here on the topic of cognitive surplus.

So, wtf is cognitive surplus?

As he explains it, various innovations of the 20th century created something that really didn't exist before for most humans: free time. And how did humans respond to this radical innovation of living? By sedating theirselves with sitcoms and other passive forms of entertainment found on television.

The idea is that people had a sort of collective crisis over the fact that they had all of this time in their life where they were not required to think about work, family, or other essential elements of living. Because this was such a new thing, the fact that it was liberating was almost completely masked by the fact that it was terrifying. One reason entertainment television was such a success, he argues, is that it filled in the empty spaces, a comforting experience for people who could not cope with the emerging chaos within their own minds.

From the article:

This hit me in a conversation I had about two months ago. As Jen said in the introduction, I've finished a book called Here Comes Everybody, which has recently come out, and this recognition came out of a conversation I had about the book. I was being interviewed by a TV producer to see whether I should be on their show, and she asked me, "What are you seeing out there that's interesting?"

I started telling her about the Wikipedia article on Pluto. You may remember that Pluto got kicked out of the planet club a couple of years ago, so all of a sudden there was all of this activity on Wikipedia. The talk pages light up, people are editing the article like mad, and the whole community is in an ruckus--"How should we characterize this change in Pluto's status?" And a little bit at a time they move the article--fighting offstage all the while--from, "Pluto is the ninth planet," to "Pluto is an odd-shaped rock with an odd-shaped orbit at the edge of the solar system."

So I tell her all this stuff, and I think, "Okay, we're going to have a conversation about authority or social construction or whatever." That wasn't her question. She heard this story and she shook her head and said, "Where do people find the time?" That was her question. And I just kind of snapped. And I said, "No one who works in TV gets to ask that question. You know where the time comes from. It comes from the cognitive surplus you've been masking for 50 years."


I found this extremely interesting, because one of the most dismissive things people say to each other online is "get a life." But the truth is, except for a small minority of people, most people DO have lives: they work, spend time with their family and friends, have hobbies.... traditional things that people have had for a while. But what does it mean to create an online life? Why do so many people spend time online chatting, sharing creative content, engaging in debate over everything from things profound (the economy, Darfur) to the trivial (what does it mean that Pluto is no longer classified as a planet?).

Spending time in a participatory culture is not what we do instead of going to the park. It's what we do to replace passive entertainment. It's a reflection of the fact that people are becoming more comfortable living inside their own heads, and communicating what it on their minds. Humans are profoundly social creatures, so the fact that technology has created a platform for allowing interactive activity in all sorts of realms has also coincided with a willingness of people to let go, somewhat, of the need for external sources of entertainment.

People CREATING their own entertainment, even by getting into seemingly ridiculous online arguments: shouldn't this be seen as a step up for humankind?

So that's the answer to the question, "Where do they find the time?" Or, rather, that's the numerical answer. But beneath that question was another thought, this one not a question but an observation. In this same conversation with the TV producer I was talking about World of Warcraft guilds, and as I was talking, I could sort of see what she was thinking: "Losers. Grown men sitting in their basement pretending to be elves."

At least they're doing something.



I highly recommend reading the entire article. There's a lot more that he addresses that I don't get into, simply because I was so struck by this one part of it.
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[Jan. 30th, 2008|11:10 pm]
In the future, please remind me to phrase all of my pseudo-apologies in the form of Gandhi-level peace protests.

This is a reply to charges of plagiarism, btw.

It's so awesome I can hardly stand it.
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[Nov. 28th, 2007|03:04 am]
My fandom secret is that I am the goddamn Batman.
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[Nov. 10th, 2007|01:33 pm]
I find this race wank just as tedious as all of the others. It's not funny to see people earnestly discussing where the line is between racism/not racism. It is necessary. Otherwise how will people educate themselves on how to deal with (and hopefully better understand) people who are different from themselves?

I see people being assholes in that post linked to from f_w. I count at least one troll. Most people appear to be trying to put their POVs out there and discuss the topic at hand. Disagreement is NOT necessarily wank unless something really funny is going on. People who say, "but it's only about hair" don't know what the fuck they are talking about; although it's true that it is POSSIBLE that the mods are being oversensitive on the hair issue, it's a FACT that the hair issue is not a trivial one in the topic of race issues.

"Entertaining" is not an adjective that automatically applies to assholes! "Wank" is not a verb that is automatically synonymous with "disagreement!" "Fandom" is not a noun that automatically means "superficial!"

(And I say this here because saying it at f_w would just be lame)
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[Oct. 16th, 2007|04:16 am]
Am reading old Cary Tennis advice columns at Salon, and I came across one about a woman who has an evangelical vegan friend, one who is always pestering her about how she can eat meat. What interested me is the following quote:

I sometimes hear people say things such as this: "I'm not arguing with you or putting you down, I truly, truly want to understand you!" I do not believe that. I hear that as "I truly, truly want to know how you can be such a wicked person and still go about in apparently normal fashion!" And to such an assertion I would say, if you truly, truly want to know, then truly, truly don't ask me; instead, study closely and honestly the world of people who are not vegans and truly, truly ask whether they can all be classified as murderers or immoral people. But do not try to clumsily lure me into a veiled exercise in character assassination.

I love this answer, and think it can apply to so many things. In fandom, for instance, there are often the endless "I don't understand how people can like slash!" posts, the "are people who like het really that prudish?" posts, the "how can you possibly like X character?" posts. You know what I mean. And often there is attached to the rant/screed the concept that the people who are making these posts are really "just trying to understand" some behavior/concept that apparently is not only exceedingly puzzling, but frustratingly enticing.

If you truly, truly want to know, then truly, truly don't ask me

This is excellent advice, because of course, most of the people who make these kinds of requests don't "truly want to know." All they want to do is pontificate on why they are right and why everyone else is wrong.

I like this advice, because of course I myself am one of those ranty type people. I enjoy the fun of a good bitch sesh, all the while knowing that it's nothing more than cheap theater. It rarely is a way to explore new thoughts or connect with people. Having learning this, I have tried (painfully, I have to admit) not to rant about things, even when it feels so right, ESPECIALLY when it feels "necessary." And in the context of fandom, it’s been actually pretty humbling to restrict my rants: because it turns out, as a fan I don’t have much of substance to say. I mean, I have squee, and I’m actually kind of proud that I have a lot of dumbass unnecessary things to say on the topic of Scar… and yet, it doesn’t make for great writing to turn my journal into an updated version of marginal love-scribbles on school notebook paper. So I keep my Scar babbling to PM, or better, inside my own head (where it often turns into a goofy smile and a benign feeling of love and peace towards the world). But for my fandoms (of which FMA is but one), I don’t have a lot of philosophy. No fresh insight, no startling discoveries. Just… rants. Things that irritate, annoy, infuriate.

But what are rants, really, except for a way to isolate oneself from others? To separate from the very fans with whom it is more meritous to form cordial relations with? Wait… screw “meritous”… it’s just more fun to be friendly. To mean well. And for me, in the online setting, this means to do a lot more lurking than participating, a lot more following than leading. Admiring the cleverness of others is a lot less stressful than indulging my worst habits, but it’s not easy. Having burned my bridges, it’s easy to feel bitter about the friendships lost or never gained, and bitterness is easily translated into greater irritation and judgmentalness.

There are a lot of things about fandom that perplex me. Why people like certain things, why they don’t like others. But I don’t want to be that person, the one who figures out people by requiring an auto de fe for every inexplicable, irritating point of view. I really don’t. And I like reading quotes like the one reproduced above, because it reminds me of the goal I’m trying to reach: that of really understanding other people, not only in real life (I’m not half bad there), but online as well.
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[Oct. 14th, 2007|10:27 pm]
Dear JF friends list:

Did Harlan Ellison rape a llama again?
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[Sep. 14th, 2007|10:47 am]
;;;;____;;;;.

NO.
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Fullmetal Alchemist Art Pimpage [Aug. 27th, 2007|10:40 am]
Look! Hime took my crack "Ed-is-a-guardian-angel-sent-to-prevent-Hei-from-becoming-the-antichrist" idea and made something credible out of it. Ed is hauntingly gorgeous in that emo!angel kind of way.
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I am a feminist, damn it. I may even be a feminazi!!! [Jun. 15th, 2007|12:44 am]
From a reply I made on ffrantsrants here:

this is mostly reproduced here for my own archiving purposes, feel free to skip the tl;dr on feminism )
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[Jun. 13th, 2007|02:55 am]
[info]tigerwolf, referring to a woman who is almost certainly his only female friend, as "my faghag".

Possessive AND dismissive? Now that is some impressive misogyny!
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[May. 31st, 2007|04:50 pm]
For this wank circle to be complete, I'm just waiting for the obligatory crossposting of links for the latest [info]news posts to both [info]customers_suck and [info]bad_service.
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[May. 25th, 2007|05:02 pm]
I'd like to propose a law:

As the unreasonableness and viciousness of your definitions of what constitute "good parenting" increase, the odds that you are a childless snot-nosed teenager yourself approach one.
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A public apology. [Jun. 19th, 2006|10:44 pm]
I debated long and hard on how to do this. It's been weighing on my for a long time now, and I guess now is an appropriate time to say what I really am obliged to say:

Christina and Your Mom: I own you an apology.

I was involved... shamefully involved... with Charitygate, here. This is the worst thing I think I've ever done online. I don't feel bad, exactly, about doubting the story, or having a skeptical stance on online charity pleas in general... I will always feel leary about people who ask for money online, and I don't make any exceptions about this. However, I was completely and utterly wrong about stating my doubts in public, and I was also wrong to be so mean and superior about it. It was (and remains) none of my fucking business, no matter that I had made a donation to your cause before I even made my replies to the fandom_wank post (which is what makes it so surreal when I see my real-life name on your thank-you page that lists your benefactors... I really am unworthy of your thanks, and it makes me feel even more guilty that I did what I did).

At the time, I had felt (wrongly) that my donation gave me the right to call attention to what I thought were inconsistencies in the evidence. I was being an ass, because even then I knew that whether the cancer was active or not, it was clear your mom had an array of unfortunate and crippling medical issues which certainly were documented well on your page. Calling it "cancer" even if it was in remission was not as disingenuous as I claimed, because the overall medical picture was so complex, and so much of it involved problems that directly resulted from either the cancer or the treatment for it, that calling it "cancer" was a useful shorthand. I knew this, but I was being stubborn, and more than that. I was being vindictive. I had felt "duped" even though I knew there was no intention to dupe, and I lashed out. This was wrong of me. So wrong of me. I don't know of a way to put it so I am making it clear how strongly I feel this was wrong: but it was, and I know it down to my bones.

I reject, utterly, my reasons for calling you out. Your credibility is something that each individual person should have decided for themselves, and in any case was credible enough to get ME to donate. So I had no point in anything I said at fandom_wank, other than to be an arrogant, superior little prick and brag about how closely I follow the wanks.

I'm not actually going to call your attention to this post, because I don't know if an apology from me would help or actually create more pain. Nor am I going to make this post "known" by making a link to it in the current MsScribe shakedown posts. That would take attention away from the issues at hand, and more importantly, make it look like I care more about my ego than in setting things straight. If you find this post through serendipity, or if concerned friends who know you well see fit to point you to it, the apology is here and will stay here for as long as I have this journal. I would like you to actually read this apology, of course, but I think I understand a little bit more about being kind to people than I did then, and I'd rather you find this because you need it, and not because I needed you to hear it. None of this was about me to begin with, and I promise you: I'm never going to get involved with critiquing anyone else's problems like that again, not unless I'm either directly or involved or explicitly invited to comment.

I am a hard and wrathful person. I sinned against you through nothing but my own grievous fault, and for that I truly, truly beg your forgiveness. I'm so sorry.



++
Also: this is just an aside to anyone else who might read this, but I'm screening comments. I've always known that I should not just let this go without an apology, but I put off saying anything about it because I had the impression that Christina's family were really trying to forget all about it. I still have that impression, but it is not as strong as it used to be, and I get the feeling now that apologies might help them achieve closure, and so I am happy to do what honor demands. Comment screening is on not because I'm afraid to face the music, but because I don't want to make this about me. It's not: it's about the people I wronged, and what is owed to them. If Christina or her mom do ever see this, I will unscreen their comments no matter what they say, but I certainly will not tolerate people taking this opportunity to wank about things or hurt them further, so.. comment screening.
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