This was kicking around my comp for a while. So I thought I'd post it for general enjoyment of multitudes who never comes to my LJ, anyway. Because there is nothing there.
So, to make it perfectly clear:
The stuff under the cut is NOT mine. I am only a translator. The translation, however, is MINE.
Umm. Yep. That's about it. Some repetitions are intentional. So, here it goes:

Alexei Sviridov.

Standard introductory Kit for creation of ingenious creations in the style of “Fantasy” applicable on the territory of the former USSR in limited quantity.



Dear Customer!
This Kit is intended for beginners, experienced and those that think that they experienced the joy of successful publication in the literary style marked on the package of the Kit. It will help you indisputably win an indisputable reputation of “So what, I am a writer too” level; become accepted in the circles, surroundings of the circles, or surroundings of the surroundings; and with some additional skills improve you financial status. (Note: a thriller-manual “Fast Publication: How to and for How Much” will appear soon, follow the advertisement)

We recommend to use the Kit at the temperatures no lower than -5oC and barometer reading no worse than “Great Draught”, indoors on specially designated premises. When using the Kit keep in mind that it is printed on stiff paper and the best results will be achieved if you crumple it a little.*

Attention: in the case when the safety protocol is breached, manufacturer does not bear any responsibility for the property damage and defamation of the President of the former USSR.

(* - Ikuko's note: untranslatable cultural reference. In Soviet Russia legendary shortage of toilet paper led to inventive uses of any waste paper, from news print to (reportedly) sandpaper and confetty)


#1. General principles.
To work in the plane of “Fantasy” you will need as most actively involved characters: Main Hero (of either sex),
Love Interest of the Main Hero (usually of the opposite sex),
Powerful Benefactor of the Main Hero,
Friends,
Comrades-in-arms,
Temporary Allies.
You will also need in the team a representative of a lovable national minority. The opposing side must be represented by:
Main Villain of Type 1 (undefeatable and little involved in the plot),
Main Villain of Type 2 (standard issue),
Traitor and/or Spy,
Dark Force,
Representative(s) of the Dark Beings,
Treacherous Bastard(s).
It is undesirable to have a representative of a lovable national minority in this group.

As a background for the events it is better to use Nature, because descriptions of the cities and other urban locations require more details which reflects on the speed of the text preparation. Season of your choice, though summer is used as a matter of tradition.

#2. Characters

2. 1. Good Characters.

2. 1. 1. The Main Hero.

Main Hero (MH) regardless of the gender is young, tall, slender, muscled, handsome. Master of the spear, sword, bow, dagger and oriental martial arts, but somewhat ineffectual in magic. Mild and polite to a degree when it appears as a sophisticated insolence. Internal monologues are filled with wry and somewhat ruthless humour. Moderately educated, intelligent beyond his age, able to defeat any wise man of any nation in honest argument and to figure out in no time it all who really poisoned the plate though logical reasoning alone. Libidous to the point when it is not even necessary to emphasize, but the True Love is yet unknown to him (see also True Love).

At the same time in order to avoid appearing too boring he must show certain weaknesses from time to time: getting fatigued, irritated, drinking, smoking, womanising, chickening out, loafing about, talking stupid and even arguing with the Mentor-Benefactor, and harvesting the bitter fruit of his previous mistakes. (S)He despises horses and rides exclusively his/her noble steed. Theoretically mortal, but so far unsuccessfully; ails only at the end of long journeys after reaching a safe haven, allowing others to demonstrate touching care and self-denying loyalty. (S)He has a modest but still noble/aristocratic rank at the beginning, but ends no lower than a ruler of royal calibre.



2.1.2 Love interest of the Main Hero

Love interest of the Main Hero regardless of the gender is young, tall, slender, muscled, handsome. Appears about the middle of the story for a period of time necessary for the Birth of the True Love. After that either disappears from the plot until the very end as a result of enemy's scheming or their own magnanimity, or as last resort stays with the Main Hero and so combining the duties of the Love Interest with duties of the Loyal Sidekick. But for the latter case Love Interest has to answer technical specifications required for a Sidekick (see below).



2.1.3 Loyal Sidekick of the Main Hero

The Loyal Sidekick of the Main Hero regardless of the gender is young, tall, slender, muscled, handsome. However, (s)he is “young, slender and handsome” less, while “tall and muscled” more than the Main Hero; but the greatest difference is that Loyal Sidekick is less smart and more slow-thinking. Nevertheless he supports the Main Hero in the moments of weakness and never succumbs to them himself (see above) and saves Main Hero's skin from the scraps (s)he can not get out on his/her own even with the help of the author. Loyal sidekick may have a Love Interest, too; but it is undesirable to introduce her/him into the plot. It will only make the Loyal Sidekick unnecessarily nervous. However, if the Love Interest is killed by the enemy, it has a positive influence on the moral state of the Loyal Sidekick.


2.1.4. Comrades-in-arms of the Main Hero

Comrades-in-arms of the Main Hero regardless of the gender are young, tall, slender, muscled, handsome (if not all, then most of them). They are introduced in the plot mostly to fall heroically on the on the battlefield and so demonstrate the horror of the events described. They can have any rank from commoner to a king. (Note that in the vast majority kings survive longer than anyone else.)


2.1.5 Wise Mentor-Benefactor of the Main Hero

WM-BMH is not young, not tall, not slender, not muscled, not handsome. Professional wizard, knows all, but does not say all he knows, and even that only in vague hints that inspires fear in everybody. Always wears a mantle or a cloak, and his matted beard and hair are snowy-white. (Attention! A groomed beard as opposed to a matted one hints to a possible turn to the side of the enemy.) Omnipotent, or very nearly so, but leaves all the work for the Main Hero under excuse of the alleged paths of fate. Supervises the Main Hero from the earliest age, teaching him/her foreign languages, crafts, spells, martial arts and savoir-faire. Mentor-Benefactor is a very useful figure for the author. He saves the author from the necessity to explain and use logic in the plot twists, leaving it to the old magi to mutter something about evils of contemplating on this topic. Also the tired shoulders of the Mentor have to bear all the responsibility to provide needed scale to the events. For this he occasionally supplies off-hand: “… but at that time I was battling the Black Terror of the Western East, that threatened to destroy kingdoms of Karamanor and Marakanor and that is why they forgot all about me in Barmalion…” and so on. Using Main Hero as means to achieve his personal noble ends, Mentor provides consulting in supernatural matters, keeps comrades-in-arms in line and dispenses curt prise to the Loyal Sidekick. At the end he disappears in unknown direction to continue his fight with Evil in other locations (times, countries, dimensions, etc.).

2.1.6. Representative of a loveable national minority.

One of the most essential figures in the plot. Without him the product will be bland and boring. There is no harm in making Representative sit on the cream pie, fall in his own trap, force him stare on the Moon till he will trip over his own feet and come face down in the dirt. In short, to put him in the position in which Main Hero must never find him/herself under any circumstances. Loveable national minority can be recognised by short stature, happy disposition, gluttony and familiaritywith everybody he meets. He would call both King-emperor of that Barmalion and the Black Lord of the Dark Forces himself by first name, and his best effort at court etiquette comes in style of “Ah’ beggin’ yeh pardon, but I reckon that thou, yo’ Ma’sty, just made a bi-i-ig boo-boo”. Speech of the Representative is much livelier then of other characters, and is sprinkled with the sparks of folk humour and references to his numerous kin. In the battle he participates ardently but with modest results. Returns from the quest as a national hero, and has a good chance to get a position of a local ruler or equivalent (according to the previous agreement).


2.2. Bad guys

2.2.1 Main Villain of Type I.

Existed before and will exist after the story timeframe, as an incarnation of the indestructible eternal-omnipresent Evil. Does not participate directly in the plot and exists mostly in discussions as a scarecrow for the characters. Does not condescend to a direct opposition with the Main Hero just because such insignificant matters are beneath his notice. Mentor-Benefactor, when in the mood, might relay a couple of old tales about the ages of terror and darkness when Villain-I was a bit perkier than now, and thus put a proper fear in everyone. This about sums the role of the Villain-I.



2.2.2 Main Villain Type II

Main opponent of the Main Hero. Has titles of Black Master, Dark Ruler, Spectral Lord, Mortal Enemy and in addition a resounding name that plants fear in the hearts of everyone. He does not have an established appearance and takes any form leaning toward pestilent insects and poisonous reptiles. Has a great obsession with the idea that “the whole world is shit and has to be even shittier”. However he is no stranger to more mundane desires – money, power, and sometimes women. A powerful magi, all-seeing wizard, an old opponent of the Mentor-Benefactor, who survives only by some miracle. He tends to seek residence in an ecologically-troubled neighbourhood, and upon settling there pollutes it even more. He despises everyone including his own retinue and has an absolute confidence in his victory over the Main Hero, which does not stop him from being terribly afraid of him (as Yefremov would say: “and thus presents a dialectical unity”). Few remarks uttered by Villain-II are marked by icy calmness and intermitted with demonic cackle. Defeated Villain-II self-destructs, and this process is accompanied by special pyro-technical effects – thunder, earth-shake, clearing of the sky. The castle merrily collapses, and servants dejectedly scramble away.



2.2.3 Dark Forces (Forces of Darkness)

Help the Villain-II but only because they serve Villain-I. Have an ancient origin, and, like anything ancient are powerful and obscure. They have limited direct involvement in the story, and their power lies mostly in the fear other characters have of them, which is very useful for the general dread. External appearance and battle abilities of Dark Forces are of little importance; in this use information sparsely: less is more. They do not have personal names and are referred to descriptively: “Dark Force of the Fire”, “Scarlet Horror of the Night”, “He Who Brings Death” etc.



2.2.4 Lackeys of Villain-II

The servants of the Villain-II might be individuals as well as entire nations (in this case the nations are labelled as “dark”). They are characterised by a wider array of psychological, physiological and behavioural pathologies than any sane mind can imagine. Villain-II constantly humiliates his flunkeys and they continue to serve him out of sheer masochism. Appearance includes bow legs, crooked back, slanted eyes, rotten teeth, thin hair, hooked nose, squealing voice and shifty glance. In great majority they are astoundingly stupid, and show any cunning and skill in brawl and schemes only for the purpose of extending fun for the Main Hero and Company. When any military forces are formed from the Dark Nations, fighting is accomplished mostly by numbers without skill, and only the manifold advantage in quantity can hinder the victorious advance of the Main and Comrades. They select names for themselves that are unpronounceable, with a huge number of sibilants. Communicate with world using criminal slang and adding indistinguishable grunting and wail. Cannibalism, absence of co-operation and comradeship, tendency to alcoholism, low morals – adjust to the taste.

2.2.5 The Spy and/or Traitor

A double of any character from the good guys camp, except for the Main Hero. Painstakingly hides his true nature, only to demonstrate it just as painstakingly later. However his appearance shows several tell-tale signs from the very beginning. Carefully grooms himself, eagerly exposes enemy agents, declares his loyalty to the Ideals of The Light. After unmasking hides undercover and acts stealthily until the very defeat of the Villain-II (for the purposes of the plot thickness immediate elimination of him is undesirable)



2.2.6. Treacherous bastard.

Essentially it is the same Spy/Traitor, only of smaller calibre and more decoratively-repulsive. Often small merchant-kulak element, who sold himself to Villain-II whole-sale on location. Appearance is similar to the one described in the paragraph 2.2.4, with addition of the fat belly and greasy cheeks. Does not do too much harm and because of that is unmasked and neutralised within first one/third of the book. Style of talking identical to any big-mouth person from a downtown pawn shop.

#3. Construction units and assambly of the plot

3. 0. The World.

Every Fantasy begins with the creation of the world, and every world begins with the creation of the map, which must include seas, islands, continents with mountains, prairies, deserts, and domains of the Dark Forces. The World is very similar to our Earth, but supernatural events there occur on regular basis, and out of this supernatural stuff 99% is shamelessly ripped off from our myths a superstitions, while only 1% invented by the author. It would be beneficial for the characters in their leisure time to indulge into discussion of parallel dimensions, connected worlds, old times and such. Ideally the reader would get an impression that the ratio 99 to 1 is not due to the creative impotence of the author, but quite on the opposite, suspected a highest vogue in all this.



3.1 The Starting Point.

The Main Hero, who yet has no clue that he is a hero, lives very ordinarily, minds his own business, never suspects what darkness (clouds, troubles) is threatening the world. The Mentor-Benefactor enlightens the main hero and inspires him to heroic deeds. Loyal Sidekick volunteers to accompany the Hero without even asking what is the story.


3.2 Roads and Paths

Travelling down Roads and Paths takes most of the Main Hero’s time. During this time he starves, thirsts, freezes, dampens, desiccates, and appreciates nature. Roads are very convenient to create an impression of World’s the depth in history and geography, and quite suitable as the sole moving force from one episode to another.


3.3 Foul Play and Adventures

Foul Play happens at the will of the Villain-II, but adventures come on their own accord randomly, that’s the only difference. Falling out between the Comrades-in-arms, attacks by Dark Nations, mystical perversions with near-lethal consequences classify as Foul Play. Adventures develop in the battles with untamed forces of nature, homeless ghosts (spirits) and neutral characters that did not yet realise that the Main Hero is a good guy. As a result of an adventure there is a possibility of the increase in the number of Comrades-in-arms, as a result of Foul Play – decrease of the said number.


3.4 The True Love

The True Love comes (develops) just before the middle of the story. The Main Hero meets the Love Interest, and immediately, even if it is in the midst of the battle, stops as if stuck by the lightening. Declaration follows swiftly and sounds very much like a mere a statement of the fact. True Love manifests itself in joint wanderings in the forests, long silent gazings, “inner glow of eyes”, and very infrequently – in a big fat smoochie that ends in ellipsis which imply primeval/animal-in-heat temperament of the Hero and the Interest. The True Love is eternal, life-giving and at the right moment works better than a shot of steroids. Villain and his flunkies are, of course, denied this and suffer a crushing defeat.


3.5 Victory

Victory over Villain-I is impossible, and no one counts on it. Triumph over Villain-II causes a wild rejoicing of all the Nature, instantaneous destruction of all his creations, and the Villain himself turns into nothing and disappears into nowhere. Enslaved nations abruptly forget years of oppression and press kingship on the Main, and he often times accepts. Post-victory set-up of the world interest no one, therefore the story should end no later than three pages later, ideally – in three lines.



Conclusion

Dear Friend! If upon studying of this Kit you were troubled by thoughts that something here is wrong – do not torment your soul with doubt! All the works that do not follow this standard were simply created by people who did not value their time. Cast away any doubt, follow the Kit, and do not trouble yourself with thoughts that all this is hackneyed and overused. Nonsense! Faster, livelier, the market is craving it, it’s good enough, others do no better, eh?