The Wonders of Gossip Girl: A review of my progress thus far.
As Kristen, the only person who is likely to read this, is already aware, I've started watching Gossip Girl. So far, I love it.

The first episode is pretty much the first book, condensed into one hour. Very condensed. Dan and Serena's entire awkward relationship is abruptly pushed together, and 90% of Dan's character is mysteriously absent.

But I'll get to that later. Right now, there's a far more important subject at hand.

Chuck Bass.



Pictured here in between Minion #1 & 2 as they flip out over SEREEENNAAA returning from boarding school. Is it weird that even though he looks like a cross between Jimmy Fallon and a chipmunk, I'd still hit it? The minions, too, even though they're stupid and have no purpose except to follow Blair around in their matching outfits to indicate to the viewer that Blair is popular and evil enough to have henchgirls.

Speaking of... Blair tries to get Stupid Nate to finally have sex with her. Stupid Nate has no intention of any of this, not because he's gay or even just prudish, but simply because he has absolutely zero interest in his girlfriend. As we soon found out, he even cheated on her with Serena a year ago, and appeared to have no intention of telling her until Serena showed up again and he felt like he had to.


"DO ME!" "NO THANK YOU."

Stupid Nate is a dick. He's only staying with Blair because his father thinks it's good for his company (his father is even more of a dick), and really doesn't seem to see how unfair that is to poor, deluded Blair. Instead, he spends all his time bitching to Chuck about his parents and how his entire life is planned for him and wahwahwahwah.


"Man up, douche. Also, check out my bitchin' scarf."

Blair is already pissed at Serena for ditching her for a year without saying anything, and then SHOWING UP after a year without saying anything, but she forgives her, because she loves Serena. Until Nate admits that he boinked her. Then all bets are off. She is, however, willing to forgive Nate as long as they both stiffly pretend it never ever happened and never talk to Serena again.

Nate acts like her reaction is hideously robotic, and seems to almost wish she'd just get mad at him. He literally doesn't appear to like ANYTHING about her, and it irritates me.

He gets Serena to meet him in some hotel room to talk, which is a retarded plan even if it was really to "talk". Serena's made it clear she has no intention of being with him anyway, and respects his relationship with Blair. Good for her, Nate sucks. Either way, Blair discovers and is enraged, and flees to go tell Serena's new boyfriend that she's a whore.


This is her "about to ruin your life" face.

The amazing thing about Blair Waldorf is her ability to quickly turn her psychotic rage into sadistic glee. When everyone is running over to Dan and all talking at once, she's practically hopping up and down in excitement as she waits for her chance to explain Serena's skankyness to him. It's actually pretty cute, in a ridiculously evil way.

Dan forgives Serena for it. Book Dan probably wouldn't.

Serena's like "THERE, ARE YOU HAPPY?" but she isn't. Next she has her favoritest partner in crime, Chuck, to spy on Serena. It seems like he's the one she calls whenever she wants to do something evil. They both get off on the suffering of others together!

He finds out Serena's visiting a treatment center for drug addicts and loonies, so Blair cheerfully informs the visiting colleges during Ivy Week that she's sooo proud of her friend Serena, who's battling with a drug problem, teehee! Just wanted to make sure the entire world knew!

When she finds out that Serena was actually visiting her suicidal little brother and went along with Blair's lies so she could protect him, she realizes she was being a bitch, and they have a sad, sweet moment, where Blair admits that her entire life went to hell while Serena was gone and how all she wanted was her best friend back and it's actually ridiculously pitiful and makes you want to hug her. Her constant need for approval is really terribly sad.


Blair sadfaces enough to get Serena to forgive her for the whole "telling everyone you're a recovering addict" thing. Is it bad that I feel way nore sorry for Blair than Serena?

Thus, they're friends again! Yayyy!

I wonder when Blair's bulimia's going to come up. It was mentioned a lot in the books, and I'm pretty sure I heard it was in the show, but there's been zero references to it thus far. There was, however, a delightful reference to her love for Audrey Hepburn. They remade the opening sequence in a dream sequence of hers, and it was pretty freakin' cute.

Episode four is amazing. Serena convinces Blair to model her mother's fashion line. Mrs. Waldorf is a bitch who constantly thinks Blair's fat and unworthy, but adoooores Serena. Of course. Serena honestly wants to help Blair out, and when she hears the photographer complain about how stiff and lifeless and ridiculously self-conscious Blair is during the shoot, she tries to get Blair to loosen up. The results are adorable.



I love this episode, because it's the first time you really see what they're like as friends, and how even though Serena is this gorgeous being of perfection and Blair will always loathe that, she helps Blair learn how to live a little and have fun. Even if Blair doesn't like it all the time, they have the most important relationship in the show.

After the shoot, Blair's mom acts like she actually loves her daughter, and Blair is adorably thrilled. However, the inevitable happens and the photographers point out to Bitch Mom that Blair's hot friend was vicacious and fun and should totally be their model instead of Robogirl, so Blair is fired and Serena is conned into doing it for her, much to Blair's understandable horror.

She's furious at first, and who could blame her? Her boyfriend and mother like her best friend more than her. That must be incredibly depressing in so many ways. Poor Blair just want to be loved! Why will no one love Blair?! But wait, Serena loves Blair! So she accepts that this isn't Serena's fault (and that she isn't doing the ho thing anymore), and they take out their issues on Bitch Mom by stealing her clothes and having a fabulous impromtu photoshoot. The result is, once again, adorable.



Yes, GG did actually say that line about BFFs making you go WTF. I am as horrified as you.

There's also a sideplot about Serena never making it to dates with Dan, and how Nate's boyfriend Chuck has to bail him out when some douche cons him because he's an idiot, but those are less important, though I did like how it showed Chuck's protective, loyal side.

But here's Chuck's awesome basketball outfit.



Yes.

Blair has a massive rich person sleepover! It's fucking decadent. It's the sleepover of the gods, with wardrobes of designer clothes for the guests and sweets of all kinds, and it's just about the most amazing thing ever. Serena can't make it because she's macking on Dan 24/7, so Blair invites his sister, Jenny, so she can haze the hell out of her.

They play truth or dare, which starts with minion makeouts.


They're the same person though, so it's like masturbation!

Then escalates to Jenny busting Serena's Depressed Brother out of the facility (see Blair's hilarious distraction), Blair making out with a random drunk dude, Blair stealing said random drunk dude's phone and getting Jenny to call his girlfriend and inform her of her boyfriends whorishness, until finally Blair gets Jenny to steal a coat from her Bitch Mom's store and almost gets her arrested.

Jenny passes every test with flying colors, making her a true minion! Blair is looking at her with sheer admiration and invites her to the Prime Sleepover Spot at Blair's side, but Jenny coolly explains that she's going home now. Blair is appalled! No one leaves a Blair sleepover early! Jenny's like "Too bad. Also, I'm keeping this jacket."


"That chick is one hardcore bitch."


"Damn straight I am!"

I really enjoyed all of this. Despite the Family Unfriendly Aesop about the glories of submitting to peer pressure so the popular girls who hate you will let you sit with them (which is acknowledged by Dan, but as Jenny rightly points out, it's her own goddamned choice and she's not stupid enough to change who she is just because she happens to be hanging out with bitches), the fact remains that Jenny was pretty damn hardcore and got the bitchy popular girl to gaze upon her in sheer admiration. It'd almost be heartwarming, if it wasn't so twisted.

However, it turns out her skills at debauchery didn't get her much besides the esteemed role of Blair's Servant. While the other girls get to go to the fancy masked ball, Jenny must stay home, because freshmen aren't allowed, Blair explains in the most condescending tone she can muster, which is pretty fucking condescending. Jenny, naturally, ends up going anyway. The Cinderella parallels were too strong, how could she resist?!

Meanwhile, Nate's douche dad tries to frame him when his own coke habit is discovered, and is eventually arrested for embezzling and fraud. When he goes to talk about this with Serena and she pats his arm, he practically fondles her hand and she's clearly horrified. God, Nate, why do you suck so hard?

Masquerade montage!



They all look fantastic, but Blair's queen get-up and Chuck's devil mask steal the show.

Blair's set up this elaborate game for Nate. He gets clues from each of her "ladies" (At this point, Serena laughs and goes "You have ladies now?" Of course she does, Serena. She's Blair fucking Waldorf!), each one leading him to a different lady, until the final one leads him to Blair. If he can get to her before midnight, it's lovin' time!

Nate... Is so not caring. He spends the whole ball drooling over Serena, then mistakes Jenny for her and accidentally confesses his love and makes out with her for like a second before she takes off. Then Serena shows up all "WHERE'VE YOU BEEN, DUMBASS? You're girlfriend's over there!" and he realizes his retarded mistake.

You know, I don't care if he suddenly starts liking her later, I cannot understand for the life of me why anyone would ship Nate/Blair. She tries ridiculously hard to make things work with him, but he just doesn't give a shit or notice, and it's really hard on her. It's just a terrible situation for both of them. Nate's glumly being whored out by his parents, and Blair just keeps hoping they'll suddenly have their fairy tale romance and everything will be okay, when it's obviously not happening.

Eventually, she finds out he still likes Serena, rightfully points out that he hasn't even freaking tried. They break up, THANK GOD. Blair storms off to Chuck's burlesque club, Victrola. Poor Chuck had been spending this episode upset because he'd tried to impress his father with his awesome business idea, but was shot down because he was sure it was just an excuse to party, so Chuck got drunk until his dad decided to give him a second shot.

You know, from the way I talk, it seems like Blair is the only important character. There's actually been big sideplots with Dan and Serena, as well as the loveshape of several parents. However, this covers EIGHT episodes, so I'm only bothering with the parts that actually really stuck out to me.

Anyway, Blair's hanging out at Chuck's classy strip joint. They have this cute moment where they act like Chuck doesn't actually think she'll go up there, but it's really obvious by the way they say it that she really wants to and he's just playing along, and they're both 100% aware of this.

At the beginning of the episode, they'd shown Chuck staring at some mystery girl on stage and saying he has no idea who she is. In context, it is so much more amazing.



God, I love how she takes off her headband first. What is with that silly girl and headbands? They're like, her trademark.

I love this scene because deep down, all Blair ever wants is to have someone adoring her and paying attention to her. Even though it seems weird having her up there because she's so uptight, it actually fits her a lot better than her forced relationship with Nate did.

Then they get it on in the back of his limo, and it goes all grainy like it did at the burlesque montage at the beginning of the episode. Yes.



You can tell it's a special moment even though she's humping a sleazy manslut in the back of his limo because of the sensitive pop-punk song!

Also, Dan and Serena have a sweet moment where they're going to have sex, and she admits that it's actually a little scary for her because it's the first time she's ever been with a guy who actually likes her. It's incredibly sad. There's also a weird/amusing scene were Dan goes off into this bizarre daydream where he watches Nate and Serena have sex while they cheerfully give him tips and pointers. Oh, Dan, you adorable awkward virgin.

Speaking of awkward virgins, Blair spends the next day in a confession booth, since twenty minutes after she broke up with her boyfriend she strips and then loses her virginity with a manho in the back of his limo, then adorably asks the priest if he gives birthday wishes, because she wants her boyfriend back.

When leaving, she sees said manwhore, who tries to get her back in his limo. She's like "Hell no, skank! I hate you! Also I'm putting jewelry on hold so Nate my awesome boyfriend can buy it, and me mentioning this to you is so not foreshadowing!"

Her and Nate talk. He mentions getting back together (not because he wants to, but because his family's forcing it and wants him to give her his mother's heirloom ring to earn her family's favour), she tries to play hard-to-get and he's immediately like "Okay, bye!", but finally he says he has a special gift for her and will be at her birthday party.

Blair discovers the fancy necklace she put on hold was bought, and she's like "Yay, he got it for me!" OR DID HE? And at the party, while she's waiting for him... Well, pictures can't do it justice.



So, Chuck actually LIKES Blair, and Blair is mildly horrified by this. Finally, he gets her to make a deal: if Nate shows up, he'll leave her alone forever, but if he doesn't, he gets a chance. She's like "EW! But I'll agree since Nate will SO show up!"

He doesn't. Gossip Girl sends her a text of him with another girl (Jenny, who he decided to canoodle with instead of showing up), which is a weird moment because it's like the narrator just happily waltzed into the plot, but it's awesome. She goes up to her room to weep, because she's finally realized it's seriously over. Chuck comes to see her and reveals that he's the one who bought the necklace. He's actually pretty sweet and sensitive about her suffering.

The two of them get along so ridiculously well, both despite and because of their mutual evil. Blair just wants to be loved, which Chuck is more than willing to do despite his horror at the idea of HIM, Chuck Bass, international man of sex, actually liking someone.

By the time Serena shows up to check on Blair... Well.



The look on Serena's face is fantastic. It's so "Oh my god, my best friend has finally gone insane from sorrow."

Aaand that's where I left off. :'( HURRY UP, BLOCKBUSTER! I NEED MORE!