♪

Tue, 06 Jul 2010 04:25:04 GMT

Wait... So even though Kitty's in her teenage body with only her future self's consciousness, she somehow "smells" like a woman?

But more importantly, Wolverine, STOP SMELLING HER.

Tue, 04 May 2010 14:46:32 GMT

Let's say you were walking down the street one day when suddenly a powerful mutant supervillain turned the city into a funhouse mirror of reality warping. Down is up! Bits of the pavement are flying up into the air like blobs in a lava lamp! Buildings are crumbling into the air! Chaos abounds! It's okay though, because you were just rescued by a blue three-toed X-Man, which isn't really something you see every day but at least it isn't being dead.

Now, what is the reaction one would have in such a scenario?

..."Gosh."

If I were Nightcrawler, I think I'd be a bit insulted. Proteus probably should be, too. Clearly, he has not left nearly enough of an indent on this city's psyche and should start, I don't know, turning the air to lava or something. Nothing is impressing these people.

Sun, 02 May 2010 06:54:09 GMT

I'd like to take a moment of your time to show you a stone cold mofo in action.

This badass' name is... Charles Xavier.

Egyptian Version Of Kingpin Who Is Also A Telepath? I do believe you just got owned.

In which I copy Kristen.

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 07:29:31 GMT

Batgirl #1
Stephanie Brown runs around doing Batgirl things and thinking about Batgirl things. It's great fun.

Random mook with bad teenage slang: I ain't afraid of you. What you weigh? Like, a hundred pounds?
Steph: [busts kneecap] Thank you.

Robien weirds me out. His proportions are weird, he's way too young to be a Robin. He just looks like a creepy midget. I can deal with Batwing well enough though. "She's not as good as the other Batgirl." Well sorry, Dick, they can't all be crazed battle zombies.

I love when Steph gets her normal-teenage-girl on. For some reason, I really REALLY adore teenage girl superheroes. Hanging your batsuit in plain sight like that seems like a bad idea, but I guess not everyone gets a secret compartment in their closet.

Cass' motives for leaving directly contradict things she's said before, but I like how this guy's writing Steph so far and I'm an optimist, so: I think Cass' explanation is just an excuse, and she's got her own thing to persue right now, away from the Bat symbol. It was all pretty rushed and vague, so I'd like to think that this is intentional on Cass' part, and not the writers pushing her out the door as fast as possible. Hush, I'm a dreamer.

I love the way she's enjoying her new bat logo so much. Who wouldn't? You get to be a BATPERSON and cash in on the villains' fear of Batman. I hear they're a cowardly and superstitious lot, you know.

Oh Babs, wont you be her mentor?! Please come around eventually!

Gotham City Sirens #1
Catwoman's not doing her best after the whole heart-getting-ripped-out-by-Hush thing, but fortunately, she's got her not-so-friend Poison Ivy to save her! I loved Selina's stunned reaction when she realizes Ivy just gave away her thirty million dollar Hush money (punny!) to a plant-based charity without a second thought. Seriously though, what the hell else would she use money for?

Harley seemed a little ditzier than she should be to me, but Dini did sort of CREATE her, so I'll trust his judgement.

Ivy ~~sexually~~ harrasses Zatanna with a ferak, because... That's what she does.

Even though I'll be happier when Harley's in her own costume again, I'm loving her casual look. The black and red checkered socks are too cute! I guess it makes sense that she'd be dressed that way, since she's still blowing her own thirty million and seems to be spending most of it on shopping and having a grand ol' time. One doesn't need a costume for a grand ol' time.

Poor Eddie. Always getting the shaft...

I love how Ivy has her arm around Harley in this protective way when they're talking to the shady broker. It's pretty pointless though, so I guess Ivy just wanted an excuse to cling to her.

Then, without warning, Harley and Ivy drug Selina and start drilling her on who Batman is! WHO COULD EXPECT SUCH A THING?! Besides everyone?!

Everyone's main turnoff for this series is the art, and it's easy to see why. It's good in that it's really detailed, and kind of pretty sometimes. He does draw one of the best Poison Ivys. However, it's pretty freaking porntastic, everyone looks like they just smelled something awful, and the girls don't "fight" as much as they dance on invisible stripper poles for MAXIMUM DAMAGE. Classy!

But again, he does draw a really good Poison Ivy (possibly because she's the only one who's SUPPOSED to look like an alien sex creature), so I'll cut him a little slack.

Gothan City Sirens #2
Does Gillem March hate Talia or something? Because he makes her look like an evil Joan Rivers.

Wow, Harley, did you prance off for a costume change in the middle of an interrogation session? I know you were itching for a chance to whip out the mismatched eff-me boots, but that's really impractical.

Catwoman: Think about it, Harley - all the times we've fought him, all the psychos who have shot and stabbed him, how could one man take that much punishment?
Harley: Well, mayyybe. That is, if he were properly motivated, like from a deep-seated trauma in his childhood...

Oh, you. ♥ I forgive the costume change.

They're awful cavalier about the interrogation thing. Ivy's like "Lolz sorry, had to be done! Fruit?"

Mook #1: Oh man, I like me some of THAT.
Mook #2: Touch her and die, bro. She's the Joker's girl. Buddy of mine was doing a stint in Arkham. He whistled at her once. That night they found him hanging from a drainpipe with his lips cut off.

They're actually broken up now, so I'm hoping someone'll try something, just to see if Mister J will find out and want to maim them in an ironic fashion.

The mooks try to kidnap and rob "Bruce Wayne", who's actually Hush, because he's a crazyface and decided to get plastic surgery and take his place. Harley saves him, because she's grateful for the time Brucie was on her parole board and helped convince everyone to let her go free. That's all fun and cute, but Hush Wayne could care less, and wants to blow that ho's brains out for helping Selina rob him. He even considers pretending she was his kidnapper and killing her right then and there, but decides to use her to get to Selina instead.

I was hoping for a little bit of suspense for when Kitty figures out that Hush Wayne is on the rise and out to get her, but it takes roughly two seconds for her to figure out what's going on (which I guess makes sense, since as far as I know he's the only evil clone of Bruce Wayne running around).

Oh no! They went to look for Harley, and all they found was her clown doll with a knife in its head! Is she dead?!?!

Spoiler alert: no, I'm going to wager a guess that she's just fine.

Gossip Girl is a cruel mistress!

Sat, 16 May 2009 02:12:49 GMT

I've been very deprived of Chuck/Blair action, and after how awful he was last time, I wasn't sure if I still ship it. For the record, I SOOOO do.

So, despite Blair, Chuck, and Nate's mutual anger towards eachother, they all band up to help Serena with her Georgina issues, and Chuck and Blair bond over the same thing they always do: REVENGE!

The poor dears are so tuckered out from evil plotting, they fall asleep cuddling adorably.

Aww.

Of course, Blair hates him again the moment she's awake (and with good reason). They bicker, and we learn that sometimes Chuck keeps the scarf on during sex. This is both hilarious and unsurprising.

Blahblahblah huge Lily-is-getting-married-to-Bart plotline. So much more happens on this show, but I lock on the Chuck/Blair parts.

Is her outfit coordinated with his bowtie? Yes? No? Maybe? I'm saying yes, even though it appears to have... Strawberries on it. How gay.

They argue some more, and Blair makes it clear that now that they're done ruining Georgina's life, they have nothing in common anymore.

Nate realizes Chuck ~love(d/s) Blair~, and this makes it easier for him to forgive him for boning her, if only because Chuck actually caring about someone other than himself and his gay life partner Nate is pretty shocking.

Good. I want them to be friends again. Even if it's kinda hawt when Nate shoved Chuck on top of his limo for some MANLY ANGER!

Chuck does a speech at his father's reception, and it's actually pretty fantastic. All about how his father was willing to change for the girl he loves, and how Chuck wants to meet someone like that some day, and he keeps looking at Blair. Despite all of his evil that boy is ridiculously charming.

Blair is in complete agreement there.

So, Chuck is being a decent human being - nay, a (gasp!) GOOD PERSON. Blair pretty obviously adores him. Death Cab For Cutie is playing. This all seems... A little TOO good.

Chuck admits he was a douche. Blair agrees. But...

"You don't belong with Nate. Never have, never will."
"You don't belong with anyone."

Well put, you two.

Chuck wants to take it slow this time and do things right. Blair still snarks, but she's so ridiculously smitten it isn't even funny.

Dude, it's not my wishful thinking, THEIR OUTFITS SO MATCH.

One week later! Everything is fantastic! Blair is packing for her vacation in Europe, which she will be arriving at via Chuck's family's private jet. Serena asks if she's really that desperate to avoid airport security and, much to her horror, Blair quips that either way she'll be frisking Chuck. She's packing a lot of sexy lingerie, too. I don't think any other seventeen-year-old owns this much lingerie.

Blair says that while Chuck seems to bring out the worst in her, she seems to bring out the best in him. Meanwhile, Chuck's dad is praising him for taking things seriously with Blair. Chuck is glowing with pride (daddy finally loves him!), but this quickly melts as Bart cheerfully explains how he'll be a completely different person after this! He gets to grow up and have real relationships, with sacrifice and responsibility! No more parties for Chuck! Nothing but good ol' serious commitment! Forget your entire identity, now you get to be upstanding and decent! Chuck looks more and more horrified at each word, and he tries to protest that hey, he's Chuck Bass, he'll never really change!, but his father's like "Nope. You'll completely change! You're a man now. A polite, modest, well-spoken man who respects his elders, cares about everyone else's feelings, and doesn't sleep with whores."

Chuck appears positively ill by this point. Ignoring Blair's excited texts while she waits for him by the jet, he promptly tosses out the bouquet he'd been planning on bringing to her and makes the moves on the nearby interior decorator. Literally, the closest thing with a vagina.

Oh Chuck. I still love you, you awful thing. How long must I wait to get season two of this fantastic, trashy show?!

The Wonders of Gossip Girl: A review of my progress thus far.

Sat, 02 May 2009 05:35:16 GMT

As Kristen, the only person who is likely to read this, is already aware, I've started watching Gossip Girl. So far, I love it.

The first episode is pretty much the first book, condensed into one hour. Very condensed. Dan and Serena's entire awkward relationship is abruptly pushed together, and 90% of Dan's character is mysteriously absent.

But I'll get to that later. Right now, there's a far more important subject at hand.

Chuck Bass.

Pictured here in between Minion #1 & 2 as they flip out over SEREEENNAAA returning from boarding school. Is it weird that even though he looks like a cross between Jimmy Fallon and a chipmunk, I'd still hit it? The minions, too, even though they're stupid and have no purpose except to follow Blair around in their matching outfits to indicate to the viewer that Blair is popular and evil enough to have henchgirls.

Speaking of... Blair tries to get Stupid Nate to finally have sex with her. Stupid Nate has no intention of any of this, not because he's gay or even just prudish, but simply because he has absolutely zero interest in his girlfriend. As we soon found out, he even cheated on her with Serena a year ago, and appeared to have no intention of telling her until Serena showed up again and he felt like he had to.

"DO ME!" "NO THANK YOU."

Stupid Nate is a dick. He's only staying with Blair because his father thinks it's good for his company (his father is even more of a dick), and really doesn't seem to see how unfair that is to poor, deluded Blair. Instead, he spends all his time bitching to Chuck about his parents and how his entire life is planned for him and wahwahwahwah.

"Man up, douche. Also, check out my bitchin' scarf."

Blair is already pissed at Serena for ditching her for a year without saying anything, and then SHOWING UP after a year without saying anything, but she forgives her, because she loves Serena. Until Nate admits that he boinked her. Then all bets are off. She is, however, willing to forgive Nate as long as they both stiffly pretend it never ever happened and never talk to Serena again.

Nate acts like her reaction is hideously robotic, and seems to almost wish she'd just get mad at him. He literally doesn't appear to like ANYTHING about her, and it irritates me.

He gets Serena to meet him in some hotel room to talk, which is a retarded plan even if it was really to "talk". Serena's made it clear she has no intention of being with him anyway, and respects his relationship with Blair. Good for her, Nate sucks. Either way, Blair discovers and is enraged, and flees to go tell Serena's new boyfriend that she's a whore.

This is her "about to ruin your life" face.

The amazing thing about Blair Waldorf is her ability to quickly turn her psychotic rage into sadistic glee. When everyone is running over to Dan and all talking at once, she's practically hopping up and down in excitement as she waits for her chance to explain Serena's skankyness to him. It's actually pretty cute, in a ridiculously evil way.

Dan forgives Serena for it. Book Dan probably wouldn't.

Serena's like "THERE, ARE YOU HAPPY?" but she isn't. Next she has her favoritest partner in crime, Chuck, to spy on Serena. It seems like he's the one she calls whenever she wants to do something evil. They both get off on the suffering of others together!

He finds out Serena's visiting a treatment center for drug addicts and loonies, so Blair cheerfully informs the visiting colleges during Ivy Week that she's sooo proud of her friend Serena, who's battling with a drug problem, teehee! Just wanted to make sure the entire world knew!

When she finds out that Serena was actually visiting her suicidal little brother and went along with Blair's lies so she could protect him, she realizes she was being a bitch, and they have a sad, sweet moment, where Blair admits that her entire life went to hell while Serena was gone and how all she wanted was her best friend back and it's actually ridiculously pitiful and makes you want to hug her. Her constant need for approval is really terribly sad.

Blair sadfaces enough to get Serena to forgive her for the whole "telling everyone you're a recovering addict" thing. Is it bad that I feel way nore sorry for Blair than Serena?

Thus, they're friends again! Yayyy!

I wonder when Blair's bulimia's going to come up. It was mentioned a lot in the books, and I'm pretty sure I heard it was in the show, but there's been zero references to it thus far. There was, however, a delightful reference to her love for Audrey Hepburn. They remade the opening sequence in a dream sequence of hers, and it was pretty freakin' cute.

Episode four is amazing. Serena convinces Blair to model her mother's fashion line. Mrs. Waldorf is a bitch who constantly thinks Blair's fat and unworthy, but adoooores Serena. Of course. Serena honestly wants to help Blair out, and when she hears the photographer complain about how stiff and lifeless and ridiculously self-conscious Blair is during the shoot, she tries to get Blair to loosen up. The results are adorable.

I love this episode, because it's the first time you really see what they're like as friends, and how even though Serena is this gorgeous being of perfection and Blair will always loathe that, she helps Blair learn how to live a little and have fun. Even if Blair doesn't like it all the time, they have the most important relationship in the show.

After the shoot, Blair's mom acts like she actually loves her daughter, and Blair is adorably thrilled. However, the inevitable happens and the photographers point out to Bitch Mom that Blair's hot friend was vicacious and fun and should totally be their model instead of Robogirl, so Blair is fired and Serena is conned into doing it for her, much to Blair's understandable horror.

She's furious at first, and who could blame her? Her boyfriend and mother like her best friend more than her. That must be incredibly depressing in so many ways. Poor Blair just want to be loved! Why will no one love Blair?! But wait, Serena loves Blair! So she accepts that this isn't Serena's fault (and that she isn't doing the ho thing anymore), and they take out their issues on Bitch Mom by stealing her clothes and having a fabulous impromtu photoshoot. The result is, once again, adorable.

Yes, GG did actually say that line about BFFs making you go WTF. I am as horrified as you.

There's also a sideplot about Serena never making it to dates with Dan, and how Nate's boyfriend Chuck has to bail him out when some douche cons him because he's an idiot, but those are less important, though I did like how it showed Chuck's protective, loyal side.

But here's Chuck's awesome basketball outfit.

Yes.

Blair has a massive rich person sleepover! It's fucking decadent. It's the sleepover of the gods, with wardrobes of designer clothes for the guests and sweets of all kinds, and it's just about the most amazing thing ever. Serena can't make it because she's macking on Dan 24/7, so Blair invites his sister, Jenny, so she can haze the hell out of her.

They play truth or dare, which starts with minion makeouts.

They're the same person though, so it's like masturbation!

Then escalates to Jenny busting Serena's Depressed Brother out of the facility (see Blair's hilarious distraction), Blair making out with a random drunk dude, Blair stealing said random drunk dude's phone and getting Jenny to call his girlfriend and inform her of her boyfriends whorishness, until finally Blair gets Jenny to steal a coat from her Bitch Mom's store and almost gets her arrested.

Jenny passes every test with flying colors, making her a true minion! Blair is looking at her with sheer admiration and invites her to the Prime Sleepover Spot at Blair's side, but Jenny coolly explains that she's going home now. Blair is appalled! No one leaves a Blair sleepover early! Jenny's like "Too bad. Also, I'm keeping this jacket."

"That chick is one hardcore bitch."

"Damn straight I am!"

I really enjoyed all of this. Despite the Family Unfriendly Aesop about the glories of submitting to peer pressure so the popular girls who hate you will let you sit with them (which is acknowledged by Dan, but as Jenny rightly points out, it's her own goddamned choice and she's not stupid enough to change who she is just because she happens to be hanging out with bitches), the fact remains that Jenny was pretty damn hardcore and got the bitchy popular girl to gaze upon her in sheer admiration. It'd almost be heartwarming, if it wasn't so twisted.

However, it turns out her skills at debauchery didn't get her much besides the esteemed role of Blair's Servant. While the other girls get to go to the fancy masked ball, Jenny must stay home, because freshmen aren't allowed, Blair explains in the most condescending tone she can muster, which is pretty fucking condescending. Jenny, naturally, ends up going anyway. The Cinderella parallels were too strong, how could she resist?!

Meanwhile, Nate's douche dad tries to frame him when his own coke habit is discovered, and is eventually arrested for embezzling and fraud. When he goes to talk about this with Serena and she pats his arm, he practically fondles her hand and she's clearly horrified. God, Nate, why do you suck so hard?

Masquerade montage!

They all look fantastic, but Blair's queen get-up and Chuck's devil mask steal the show.

Blair's set up this elaborate game for Nate. He gets clues from each of her "ladies" (At this point, Serena laughs and goes "You have ladies now?" Of course she does, Serena. She's Blair fucking Waldorf!), each one leading him to a different lady, until the final one leads him to Blair. If he can get to her before midnight, it's lovin' time!

Nate... Is so not caring. He spends the whole ball drooling over Serena, then mistakes Jenny for her and accidentally confesses his love and makes out with her for like a second before she takes off. Then Serena shows up all "WHERE'VE YOU BEEN, DUMBASS? You're girlfriend's over there!" and he realizes his retarded mistake.

You know, I don't care if he suddenly starts liking her later, I cannot understand for the life of me why anyone would ship Nate/Blair. She tries ridiculously hard to make things work with him, but he just doesn't give a shit or notice, and it's really hard on her. It's just a terrible situation for both of them. Nate's glumly being whored out by his parents, and Blair just keeps hoping they'll suddenly have their fairy tale romance and everything will be okay, when it's obviously not happening.

Eventually, she finds out he still likes Serena, rightfully points out that he hasn't even freaking tried. They break up, THANK GOD. Blair storms off to Chuck's burlesque club, Victrola. Poor Chuck had been spending this episode upset because he'd tried to impress his father with his awesome business idea, but was shot down because he was sure it was just an excuse to party, so Chuck got drunk until his dad decided to give him a second shot.

You know, from the way I talk, it seems like Blair is the only important character. There's actually been big sideplots with Dan and Serena, as well as the loveshape of several parents. However, this covers EIGHT episodes, so I'm only bothering with the parts that actually really stuck out to me.

Anyway, Blair's hanging out at Chuck's classy strip joint. They have this cute moment where they act like Chuck doesn't actually think she'll go up there, but it's really obvious by the way they say it that she really wants to and he's just playing along, and they're both 100% aware of this.

At the beginning of the episode, they'd shown Chuck staring at some mystery girl on stage and saying he has no idea who she is. In context, it is so much more amazing.

God, I love how she takes off her headband first. What is with that silly girl and headbands? They're like, her trademark.

I love this scene because deep down, all Blair ever wants is to have someone adoring her and paying attention to her. Even though it seems weird having her up there because she's so uptight, it actually fits her a lot better than her forced relationship with Nate did.

Then they get it on in the back of his limo, and it goes all grainy like it did at the burlesque montage at the beginning of the episode. Yes.

You can tell it's a special moment even though she's humping a sleazy manslut in the back of his limo because of the sensitive pop-punk song!

Also, Dan and Serena have a sweet moment where they're going to have sex, and she admits that it's actually a little scary for her because it's the first time she's ever been with a guy who actually likes her. It's incredibly sad. There's also a weird/amusing scene were Dan goes off into this bizarre daydream where he watches Nate and Serena have sex while they cheerfully give him tips and pointers. Oh, Dan, you adorable awkward virgin.

Speaking of awkward virgins, Blair spends the next day in a confession booth, since twenty minutes after she broke up with her boyfriend she strips and then loses her virginity with a manho in the back of his limo, then adorably asks the priest if he gives birthday wishes, because she wants her boyfriend back.

When leaving, she sees said manwhore, who tries to get her back in his limo. She's like "Hell no, skank! I hate you! Also I'm putting jewelry on hold so Nate my awesome boyfriend can buy it, and me mentioning this to you is so not foreshadowing!"

Her and Nate talk. He mentions getting back together (not because he wants to, but because his family's forcing it and wants him to give her his mother's heirloom ring to earn her family's favour), she tries to play hard-to-get and he's immediately like "Okay, bye!", but finally he says he has a special gift for her and will be at her birthday party.

Blair discovers the fancy necklace she put on hold was bought, and she's like "Yay, he got it for me!" OR DID HE? And at the party, while she's waiting for him... Well, pictures can't do it justice.

So, Chuck actually LIKES Blair, and Blair is mildly horrified by this. Finally, he gets her to make a deal: if Nate shows up, he'll leave her alone forever, but if he doesn't, he gets a chance. She's like "EW! But I'll agree since Nate will SO show up!"

He doesn't. Gossip Girl sends her a text of him with another girl (Jenny, who he decided to canoodle with instead of showing up), which is a weird moment because it's like the narrator just happily waltzed into the plot, but it's awesome. She goes up to her room to weep, because she's finally realized it's seriously over. Chuck comes to see her and reveals that he's the one who bought the necklace. He's actually pretty sweet and sensitive about her suffering.

The two of them get along so ridiculously well, both despite and because of their mutual evil. Blair just wants to be loved, which Chuck is more than willing to do despite his horror at the idea of HIM, Chuck Bass, international man of sex, actually liking someone.

By the time Serena shows up to check on Blair... Well.

The look on Serena's face is fantastic. It's so "Oh my god, my best friend has finally gone insane from sorrow."

Aaand that's where I left off. :'( HURRY UP, BLOCKBUSTER! I NEED MORE!

It's the end of an era...

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 21:13:28 GMT

I ditched Tinkerbell. For Avatar.

Srry Tink. :(