Some days are good. Some not so good. Not bad, just the kind of almost good, but right enough to make really want a good day.

Liev is not mine. Not my lover, not my Dom, not anything but a friend. But I hear his murmured praises to Wes and there's that pull to hear it for myself. I'll fetch him coffee, his pen. Tell him about my day hoping something spurs him to say he's proud, pat my shoulder the way he does Wes. He gives off that vibe, he's not just a candle flame but a roaring wild fire, and I'm that moth throwing myself at him and hoping to be consumed. Singed at least.

But just that tight smile and nod.

He knows what I want, and he knows he can't give it to me.

Sometimes Wes gets exasperated without even knowing why he is, and he'll hug me and say something nice while giving Liev that look that says, "Honestly!"

I think for everyone considered, it would best that I do something. Call the club and set up an appointment. Something. I don't need Mr. Right. I need Mr. Right now.

I feel like the jack in the box, and someone's turned my crank to just the point of popping and then walked away.

Need to take care of that before it gets messy.

I told Wes I was going to meet my agent, but I've come to my apartment. Each time I come here, it feels less like home. Not that Wes and Liev's place has become home. I still feel like the third wheel there. I mean, I get along with them, we have our little moments, but they're a couple. You wouldn't even have to be told, just see them sitting near each other, and you would know. And I'm very aware I'm not apart of that.

Mac found me this place for me, because he's just three buildings up. But he got it for me, and then Hayden and I lived here. So, it feels like a part of my life that passed. It's like being trapped in one of those photo albums with the sticky pages and cling film.

It could be worse. I could still be stuck at Adrian's. :|

You know what the worst thing about falling hard for your rebound is? They build you up after a bad break. Then when it's over, you question it.

Meh. I think I'm going to let this place go, and look for a new one. With the recent ad work and voice stuff I've done, I may even have enough to buy something.

I just feel ready for a change. I want to feel like the adult everyone insists I am.

Today was actually not too bad. And in honor of VD, what is your favorite STD?

Need a pillow to sit on?

Tuesdays blow.

You and Liev have been really great, and I'm feeling really welcome here. But I'm going to have to be alone soon.

( Give my best to... )

In Soviet Russia, Norris Chucks you!

In Wes and Liev's house, you eat vegetables!

I need to swing by the apartment tomorrow and pick up my laptop. You have to use a crowbar to get Wes to give up his spot in front of his computer, and his laptop is in the shop. Liev says I can use his computer, but then the phone rings and he's in front of it. So, I definitely need to drag mine in.

Tuesday was pretty bad. Wes and Liev were really great, but they kept me busy and I forgot to call Adrian. So I remember really late and I got up to call him, and Adrian was all "Oh you forgot?" Ugh. I know he's busy and filming and producing on this, all sorts of things. But that really stung.

I hung up the phone feeling sort of lost and saw Wes in the hall. It was really late. He ducked into his office and I heard him settle at his desk. About five or six minutes later, Liev follows. There's no scolding. Not that I heard. Liev comes back out carrying Wes over his shoulder, and they're laughing and patting each other on the ass. It seemed like a private joke between them. And sitting there in the kitchen thinking about it, I knew something like that would have gone down differently between me and Adrian. That stung too.

But today was good. Wes and Liev are such a couple. Wes and I were off looking at bathroom fixtures because the shower head they wanted was discontinued, so they needed a new choice. So we're out and Liev keeps breaking in on the walkie talkie thing with bizarre updates about the townhouse being taken over by zombies. And Wes would be like, "Okay, dear. Try not to let them eat the dog." When we got home, Liev had grilled up on the roof, and we had steak for dinner.

I thought after the call, seeing them being a couple would hurt.

But it's comforting.

Like proof that things won't always be bad.

And Wes is having withdrawals and must check his e-mail. Heh. Addict.

"Sorry to call so late. It's uh, Kieran. I just wanted to..." There's a long pause and then a drawn out sigh. "Never mind. Whatever."

...and dial tone.

( Yeah, and? )

Would it kill you to update your journal? I want more than a phone call a day. :(

( squish your head )

You coming over today?

Bullshit.

Liar, liar. Pants on fire.

Wes said to update. I've updated. You may all go back to your normal lives now.

( Hellraiser )

( No, I'll stay. )

Gus is hosting a New Years party, and Kieran debates attending it. But it's almost midnight, and it feels too strange just popping in last minute. He glances at the bottle of champagne, something he bought while he still had hope of spending the night with Adrian. Opening it seems as pointless as Gus' party.

There's four minutes to go and the famous New York balls is about to drop.

Kieran clicks off the television set and gathers up the blanket from the couch. He'll need it because the bed get so cold at night when he's alone.

I'm home. Did you miss me?