Small White Dragon

Title: Now That's a Cock, Hey-o!
Fandom: Hot Fuzz
Rating: PG for really bad dirty puns PG-13, I guess, actually, 'cause I forgot about the swearing
Pairing: Like in the film
Summary: "Hey, Chief! Nice cock!"
Author's Notes: Unbetaed, no editing, just wrote it today, etc. Also, it's quite short, less than 600 words. SO SORRY, ANTI-FICLET PEOPLE, YOU ARE FOILED AGAIN. Aww, so sad.
ETA: Sequel OMG!
ETA2: Now with Chinese translation! *\o/*
Disclaimer: Hot Fuzz and the cocks contained therein are all the property of other people entirely who are not me. I don't have a cock at all. :(


Now That's a Cock, Hey-o!

"Hey, Chief!" Doris called out brightly, "Nice cock!"

Inspector Angel scowled deeply, closed his eyes, and counted to ten. He was extremely disappointed to find, when he opened his eyes again, that Doris was still grinning at him from his office doorway, and there was still a large chicken pecking at a paper clip on his desk. He sighed.

"Thank you, Doris," he said tiredly. After all, a compliment was a compliment. Doris left, laughing, only to be replaced by the Andies mere moments later.

"Looks like the Chief's gettin' cock right on his office desk now," said Andy Cartwright. Angel ignored him.

"Always knew he was the type to like cock," Andy Wainwright added. Angel ignored them both. The chicken, however, did not make it at all easier to focus on his paperwork. He scowled at it, very deeply.

Eventually, even the Andies tired of cock jokes (it took a while) and darkened his doorframe no more, leaving Angel in blessed silence. Except for the clucking. Sadly, it was all too brief.

"NvrspectdjutuhvschfinespsminaCOCK," said PC Walker, and Angel threw down his pen and buried his face in his hands. He could hear PC Walker giggling from the doorway, it was somewhat disturbing. And then someone else walked up, leaned against the doorframe, and he could tell who it was just by the creaking sound the wood made, which was also somewhat disturbing but in a totally different sort of way.

"He says he never expected-"

"Yes, I know," Angel snapped, and then he immediately felt bad, because snapping at Danny felt sort of like kicking a puppy. Or, at least, he imagined it did; he'd never actually kicked a puppy for comparison's sake. He kept his face down, eyes closed, and rubbed at the bridge of his nose. He heard Danny come into the room, and PC Walker leave, still giggling.

"That Eddie Buxton's cock, from in the schoolyard this morning?" Danny asked. "Don't know what I should say 'bout you foolin' 'round with Eddie Buxton's cock in here all afternoon."

Angel nearly cried. He made a high-pitched sort of squealing noise and pounded his head very gently against his desk. The chicken clucked and scratched its little chicken feet on his paperwork. Stupid cock.

Danny came up behind him, chuckling softly, and rubbed at the back of his neck, which felt really nice until the chicken pecked at Angel's head. He considered strangling it, but Danny shooed it away before he could do anything, and besides, they'd be telling jokes about him choking his chicken for years.

"Y'know, I'd always heard that Eddie Buxton had a big cock," Danny said after a while. "Always wondered if that were true."

Angel sighed heavily and resigned himself to his fate, sat up and shook off Danny's hand, reached for his pen and his chicken-scratched paperwork.

"Didn't know he raised chickens, though," Danny added.

"Oh, fucking hell," Angel snapped, throwing his pen down and shooting up out of his chair. "That's it, I'm done, we're leaving." And he grabbed Danny by the shirt and started dragging him towards the door.

"Where we goin'?" Danny asked.

"Home."

"What for?"

"To raise chickens."

"What, literally?"

Angel stopped for a moment to rub the bridge of his nose again. "No, Danny," he said. "No. Not literally. Figuratively."

"Awww, yeah!" said Danny, grinning, and he grabbed Angel by the shirt and started dragging him towards the door.

The Andies made cock jokes as they left, but really, when didn't they?