| Fanfiction Hell: Double Feature! |
[Nov. 16th, 2009|10:22 am] |
Feature One: Thanks to the Malfoys, by Broomstick Flyer. So you already have some idea how this goes.
Basically, Lucius and Narcissa Polyjuiced themselves into Harry and Hermione, got married in a Muggle ceremony, took pictures, and somehow got Harry and Hermione, naked and knocked out, into the Shrieking Shack. After they wake up, they discover that oh my god they are actually attracted to one another!
( Excerpt )
Molly and Ginny are, of course, completely hacked off and all of the Weasleys get involved in a huge fight. Still, you have to give a couple of bonus points for the lack of carnage, right?
The last ~900 words of the fic consist of an expository epilogue detailing how perfect the rest of their lives are, how fantastic their son (Godric Neville Potter, no really) is, and how "[t]hey spent a happy 140 years as man and wife, both of them dying within two weeks of each other. They had their ups and downs just like everyone else but in all the time they were together they never went to bed angry, one of them would always compromise on what ever the problem was. They as well as the Grangers never once felt the need or desire to ever return to Britain, living their bigot and racist free lives enjoying their children and grandchildren as well as a large number of great grandchildren being around them."
For our second feature, we have Grace au Malfoys, by Romulus Lupin. It is explicitly inspired by our first feature, but "rabid, zealous and somewhat violent" as well as much, much longer. Instead of the Malfoys dicking around with Harry and Hermione, this time it's Hermione and Ron, and Hermione is super pissed. (NB: the descriptions of naked Hermione are even CREEPIER in this fic.)
( Excerpt )
Ron then Apparates into the Great Hall somehow and everyone starts throwing hexes, while Hermione stays behind in their suite and flips her shit ("romance and Ronald Weasley were mutually exclusive") and starts doing accidental magic, including sending an accidental Patronus to Harry. Dumbledore goes on about how good it is that now Harry and Hermione will be married to Purebloods, who will keep them from changing the world (since Dumbledore, of course, is all about conservative politics). There's some sort of madness with Molly and Ginny and Arthur and love potions, of course, but Ginny also has a soul-bond with Susan Bones, who acts as Harmonian and Love Potion Theorist Mouthpiece. The Ministry can't do anything about the marriage because of one bizarre, archaic law (also of course), but then there's another bizarre, archaic law (regarding a book that registers soulmates - when it shows Harry and Hermione that Grindledore was canon, they actually jump back and say ew) that fixes it all.
But then! What very few people knew - and of those, Harry was the only one in the wizarding world - was that the Grangers, including their daughter, were practicing naturists. I MISSED YOU, CRAZY NUDISM FICS.
There are blatant hits at anvils and the books ("her life to this point often sounded like fiction - badly written fiction, at that") and he even says things like "Molly had never been shy about her ideas for One Big Happy Weasley Family" and "Ron's pitiful attempt at parseltongue was not only pathetic, it was laughable". One of the things that annoys me the most, though, due to sheer being-wrongness, is:
( Probably not what you're thinking )
Anyway. Color me shocked, and that generally doesn't happen when Weasleys don't get disembowelled or sexually assaulted. |
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