Chapterhouse of the Catty Gesserit

Sat, 12 Jan 2008 01:51:57 GMT

Ms. Dickinson? Janice? Steven Tyler called. He wants his lips back.

Wed, 07 Nov 2007 22:06:21 GMT

Donald Trump said, "You look at Paul McCartney and you think schmuck." I look at The Donald and think, "Broken condom."

I have no snark here...

Mon, 01 Oct 2007 20:42:44 GMT

...just a "perfect for Journalfen" gossip moment. Maureen "Marcia Brady" McCormick recently revealed that during the filming of The Brady Bunch, she and Eve "Jan" Plumb had a brief sexual relationship. Yep, femslashers, life imitated what would've been the porn of the day had the Internet existed back then. And you know Barry Williams is wishing madly he'd gotten in on that action.

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 22:25:41 GMT

Keira Knightley insists she's "twice the size of most Hollywood actresses," so people really need to lay off about the fact her ribs show when she wears a dress that's open to her waist. Funny, I didn't know clothing stores had started carrying size 00000.

Not quite the Dreamgirls

Tue, 11 Sep 2007 21:21:26 GMT

It struck me today that Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and Amy Winehouse need to collaborate on a cover of Michael Jackson's "Leave Me Alone." It'd be the Moulin Rouge "Lady Marmalade" for the trainwreck set.

Fri, 24 Aug 2007 18:00:16 GMT

Dina Lohan is whining that people just want to see her family fail. Since that is all you have to show us lately, Dina, be thankful we're still looking.

Tue, 14 Aug 2007 17:09:38 GMT

Reality didn't change on me while I wasn't looking. Amy Winehouse's "exhaustion" carried the proper old-school definition of "drug overdose." She's joining the rehab set, and it is to be hoped she picks the right one the first time. Lindsay Lohan could tell her volumes about that.

Fri, 10 Aug 2007 19:38:48 GMT

Angelina Jolie told the French magazine Public that since she settled down with Brad Pitt, she has no place in her life for S&M or bisexuality. Ten years with Jenny Shimizu down the tubes thanks to Brad Pitt? The leaders of Exodus International are having unnatural lust for a man right about... now.

You keep using that word...

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 22:27:24 GMT

Singer Amy Winehouse is the latest weight-loss disaster story to book hospital time due to "extreme exhaustion." Has exhaustion become pro-ana code while I was deliberately not looking?

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 19:51:49 GMT

Bobby Brown has been hiring extra bodyguards because he's convinced Osama bin Laden is after him. Allegedly, one of bin Laden's mistresses claimed the man behind 9/11 wanted Brown dead so he could add Whitney Houston to his harem. Well, he was deluded enough to stay with Houston while she beat the shit out of him...

Miracle confessed

Wed, 01 Aug 2007 16:36:02 GMT

Nicole Richie told the story US Weekly broke weeks ago: she is four months pregnant. Poor thing has to eat for one now.

Duck Says What?

Wed, 25 Jul 2007 18:59:23 GMT

Nicole Scherzinger, AKA the only Pussycat Doll who can carry a tune in a bucket, pitched a hissy over the outfit she was given to wear in the band's latest video. She was given a bronze bathing suit and was directed to perform the usual contortionist poses the Dolls ~~stole from every pole dancer since Carol Doda~~ call dance moves. She protested that she was being made to look like a hooker. Seven videos since the first one, and she just figured that out. Give her a gold star. She can use it to cover her self-respect.

When stand-up comics attack

Tue, 17 Jul 2007 18:39:12 GMT

Nebbishy comedian Jon Lovitz attacked fellow comic and extreme nutcase Andy Dick last night in an LA bar. The issue goes back to the time Dick gave the late Phil Hartman's wife and murderer Brynn some cocaine at a party when she'd been sober for 10 years. Five months later, the escalating abuse she put Phil through went critical as she shot him, then herself. Since then, Lovitz has held Dick responsible for Brynn's relapse. Dick's response has been to continue to razz Lovitz about it, including claiming he put the "Phil Hartman hex" on Lovitz last year. Last night, it went one step too far and Lovitz shoved Dick's face into the bar several times.

I have to say, I think this is the first time I've heard of a public dick-beating involving someone I don't want to see naked that I wish I had seen.

Reaching your potential

Wed, 11 Jul 2007 22:49:28 GMT

Aubrey O'Day, late of Sean "Ditty Bag for Brains" Combs' reality show-created band Danity K, is apparently planning to jump ship for the Pussycat Dolls. TMZ claims that Combs' other project acts, O-Town and Da Band, suffer the same problem as Danity K -- failing to live up to their potential. I disagree. They lived up to their potential quite admirably. But I also never expect a one-speed bicycle to win the Tour de France.

Miracle of modern medicine

Fri, 06 Jul 2007 00:49:35 GMT

US Weekly has confirmed the rumor that Nicole Richie is pregnant. Read that again slowly. Nicole "American Skeletor" Richie has caught. Leave us set aside the wisdom of the risk of bruising inherent in how she got that way. I was taught it's medically impossible for too-skinny women to get pregnant because their menstrual cycles stop. Either Nicole really is healthy at that weight, the tabs completely missed her visiting a fertility clinic, or someone needs to ask the Pope a few pointed questions.

Diet advice

Mon, 02 Jul 2007 22:14:34 GMT

Victoria "Posh" Beckham has provided her once and current cohorts in the Spice Girls with a strict diet and exercise program to make sure they "look their best" on the upcoming tour. The program consists of 200 sit-ups a day and a diet composed of edamame, strawberries and lettuce. Looking at how the girls have grown into womanhood, I should think Emma "Baby" Bunton ought to be advising Skeletor. "Now, look, Vicks, having the occasional biscuit is not going to kill you, and what did you ever have against using your arms for more than a jewelry hanger?"

Lest you think US anti-gay wank is bad...

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 00:12:26 GMT

In what has to be the wankiest boat ride ever, a troupe of Russian Bible-beaters sailed a boat decorated with sacred icons and church banners down the same river a gay cruise had sailed down the night before in order to "purge the waters." I think those people deserve a purge in return, but I doubt I could get ipecac-spiked slivovitz through customs.

The countdown started last year... maybe

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 23:20:18 GMT

John "I love Xenu as much as Tom Cruise" Travolta said in an interview with W Magazine that shooting incidents like Columbine and VA Tech can be directly blamed on psychiatric drugs. I wonder how long you have to be on them before you start deciding happiness is a warm body count? Should I have started worrying last year when I was given Strattera, or is the countdown only now that the Celexa's joined in? And what about the self-medication, John? Caffeine affects the brain, too. At least it helps me think. Maybe you should drink some, John.

Battle of the Rumormongers

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 17:23:19 GMT

Shar Jackson is pregnant by Kevin Federline for the third time, says the NY Post. No, she's not, says US Weekly, and we have Shar's word for it. Think the blogs that pounced on the first will pounce on the rebuttal? So far, no. In fact, some of them refuse to take a woman's word for it. I don't know. Trust US Weekly or a Rupert Murdoch joint? Decisions, decisions...

Timing is everything

Mon, 11 Jun 2007 20:05:55 GMT

Paris Hilton said in her interview with Barbara Walters that she "used to act dumb" but that it's gotten old now that she's 26. Sweetie, that brand of dumb wears off its welcome when a kid turns seven.

Names will tell

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 20:03:10 GMT

The sheriff who overrode the judge's authority in how Paris Hilton carried out her sentence has a name that should've warned every anime fan who paid even an ounce of attention to her situation. Replace the "c" in Baca with a "k," and the Japanese have his behavior sewed up.

They get so easily led...

Thu, 07 Jun 2007 23:43:06 GMT

I am not saying this is typical male behavior. What I am saying, however, is that the head of the LA Sherriff's department just may have been thinking below the belt when he defied protocol and let Paris Hilton out on house arrest for "medical reasons" that the gossip mills can't decide was either a pending nervous breakdown or a really bad rash. But to be fair, I should also point out that I'm not sure if the offending item was in the front or right rear pocket of his pants.

How to not surprise me

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 18:55:14 GMT

Dina Lohan, Lindsay's mother, has been revealed as a liar on her biography. She has never been a Rockette, nor has she acted on Broadway or in television ads. She's been faking being a good mother all this time. I call that news par for the course.

Tue, 05 Jun 2007 20:53:19 GMT

I happened to see a Pussycat Dolls video recently. While I admit I like their music for what it is, I couldn't help wondering while watching the video whether guys show up at their concerts with stacks of dollar bills in their pockets.

Expanding my horizons

Tue, 05 Jun 2007 03:50:40 GMT

I've been on LiveJournal under this name for over five years. I'm not leaving it any time soon, but I have certain itches that are harder for me to scratch there because doing so would skew my LJ in a direction I don't normally take it. Before I'm accused of kink, let it be known the kink is celebrity (and perhaps fannish) snarkage. Thus, welcome to the Chapterhouse of the Catty Gesserit.