Queen of the Pie People

stab stab stab

2007-09-02T15:22:01Z

Someone sent a message to my mailing list from the wrong e-mail addy, so it got routed to me instead of the mailing list. That's fine, it's happened before. Some people don't realise that they have to use the e-mail addy registered with the mailing list. But when the message didn't show up in the mailing list archive, the moron decided to send it again. And again. And again. And...

... yeah, I woke up to an inbox full of identical e-mails, two complaints that the mailing list wasn't working, one complaint that I was 'ignoring her problem', and one notification that the idiot had left the mailing list.

Yeah, I'm right in the middle of trying to find somewhere to live. I'm not on call 24/7, fuck you very much.

And I'm not sure, but I think this is the same person who couldn't remember her log in details for the archive last year, so she re-registered under a different name and uploaded all her stories again. Yeah, that's much easier than e-mailing me and asking me to reset her password.

*headdesk*

It's like... rebranding, in a way.

2007-08-08T15:51:44Z

Well, as I'm maryavatar everywhere else, I decided to hop over to rename_me for a makeover. For those of you blinking through their f-page wondering who the fuck all these new people are...

darkslash <--> maryavatar

Hey!

2007-08-07T22:27:33Z

Dammit, I go play elsewhere for a few months and my background vanishes. I shall have to find a suitable replacement for emo spidey...

Edit: Everything is better with Daleks!

It's called 'feedback' because it's feeding information back to you.

2006-12-09T10:10:33Z

Ever have someone in one of your fandoms who is just completely oblivious to tactfully worded advice? Someone who dutifully sends out five or six paragraphs of their hopelessly bad action adventure epic to every! single! mailing list! in the fandom, complete with gushing thanks for the feedback from her 'fans', when all that feedback is from just three people? Two guys who feedback every chapter with 'great story!!!' and one poor sod trying desperately to find a nice way to say 'OMG, get a beta reader!' and 'Fifteen paragraphs of exposition is a bad way to begin a story' and 'Don't refer to your protagonists as The Blonde and The Brunette, particularly if they're men'.

And when someone finally sets out in clear language all the ways in which this writer could improve, they reply with a 'thanks for the feedback' message and continue on their merry way, posting yet another piece of unreadable dreck. *headdesk*

Back when I was starting out, I was a BAD writer. Horribly bad. Really really awful. You know what helped me? Someone being completely honest with me. My beta readers helped too, but they were friends. This woman wasn't my friend, and wasn't interested in being my friend. She just didn't want to have to read the crap I'd written. So she told me exactly what I was doing wrong. And while that stung a little at the time, it was all good advice, and I am very grateful to her for passing it along. I have never enjoyed being ignorant, and have never refused to learn a lesson because I didn't like it.

I guess this sounds like a 'why can't everyone be like me?' rant, but it's really more of a 'why don't people pay attention?' rant.

Pink Plunge

2006-11-24T19:24:14Z

Oh God, won't someone please invent a sexy vagina euphemism? I know 45 different ways to say vagina and they're all ugly or hilarious. Or both. Just one I'd like to read straight porn that didn't make me go ACK or *giggle* during the sex scene. If I didn't know better, I'd think that it was too much 'dripping pussy' or 'hot snatch' that turned me into a slasher.

People are IDIOTS

2006-11-20T23:04:10Z

When I'm looking for new stories to read on automated archives I always check out the number of reviews. A story with 200+ reviews is generally better than one with 5. Of course... sometimes 200 comments means 5 people have commented on every chapter of a 40 chapter fic of immense suckitude.

Seriously, if you have to start every chapter with apologies about the mistakes and canon inaccuracies, and explanations why a character suddenly turned into a brain dead idiot for no apparent reason in the previous chapter, the people leaving 'OMG, best story EVER!' feedback are morons.

Oh God, stupid comment count, how could you betray me like this? I thought I was going to read something cool, and instead my brain BUUUUUUURRRRRNNNSSSS.

Incoming WiP rant

2006-08-19T15:20:43Z

I hate WiPs. I do not read WiPs. There are only two people on the planet whose WiPs I will read, and they're both people I've known for a very very long time.

So, there is no earthly way I am going to read the WiP of someone who can't even spell 'alternate universe' without three typos. No, not even if you e-mail me and use puppy-dog sad-eye emoticons.

Actually... especially if you e-mail me and use puppy-dog sad-eye emoticons. I'm a cat person.

Oops

2006-07-20T19:46:53Z

*headdesk*

Why do some people find accurate characterisation so hard? I know people perceive actions and behaviours differently, but 40 year old guys with a canon history of being emotionally stunted don't sit in the dark thinking about cutting themselves when they don't get laid.

Blech. And that was on a rec page too. I no longer trust reccers to choose my fic for me. From now on I will find my own...

*eyes ff.net and remembers Sturgeon's Revelation*

... better reccers. *sigh*

headdesk

2006-04-06T01:59:16Z

fandom_wank and I have a checkered history. I have posted wanks. I have been the target of wanks. I have wanked along with the best of them. Then I almost lost a good friend because I took a wank just a leeeeetle too far. Since then I've stayed away. Until now. And what brought me back?

GarettVerse wank.

I think I need beer. Or possibly hard drugs.

whimper

2006-04-03T22:18:49Z

What do you do with someone who, instead of using dictionary.com, picks the 'prettiest' way to spell a word? I mean... wtf? What's a 'pretty' spelling?

Shoot me. Really... just... do it fast.

2006-03-12T00:56:27Z

I'm reading TS smarm, and I'm enjoying it. Oh God, I feel dirty. It's got everything I hate: girly!Blair's tiny fragile body being hugged and petted by Jim, people hating Blair for being a hippy (because we all know that men with long hair and earrings get beaten up hourly in the real world), massive character bashing of practically everyone we've ever seen appear on the show, and my absolute favourite: the guys curled up in bed together like they have no genitals whatsoever.

I should be writhing in pain and running away. And yet... I'm still reading it. I'm on chapter 15, and Blair has already been beaten up, sexually assaulted or had a panic attack 32 times. I'm making tally marks as I read. It's probably going to get monotonous at some point...

... or my brain will have some sort of backlash freakout, and I'll end up reading bestiality fiction on the Nifty Archive.

Funniest thing today

2006-02-24T21:09:00Z

Some 13 year old kid is trying to pass off Cassandra Claire's Very Secret Diaries as her own work on the Pit of Voles.

*gets out the marshmallows and waits for the Kong-sized flames*

For the last fucking time...

2005-10-17T16:59:43Z

Note to annoying girl with no spell checker:

For the love of God, use a damned beta. I don't care if your beta was busy and you wanted to get the story 'out there', I'm not going to read it if you've got two typos and a hideous grammatical error in the first sentence. And if you repost it two days later with a 'now beta'd' note, all you're going to do is remind me how annoyed I was at you the first time I attempted to read it. By spamming my f-page with multiple copies of unbeta'd fanfic all you're doing is ensuring I'll never read anything you've written.

Note to everyone else:

Sorry, I know it's been said squigglybillion times before, but I was this close to flaming her out in a community with a no-flames policy. There's no excuse for not using a beta, even though I've heard far too many attempts.

It's a birthday present for my beta - And I'm sure she's going to love this unreadable drek.

My beta was busy this weekend - Then wait for her to be not busy, or get another beta

I don't need a beta, I have a Master's degree in English - Anne Rice is not a role model. Everyone needs a beta/editor.

No one volunteered to beta for me - Try harder. Posting 'any1 wont 2 beta 4 me?' on your journal isn't going to get you one. Posting a coherent request on a fanfic community will.

I did get it beta'd - Get a different beta, this one is crap.

The last time I got a story beta'd, the beta said horrible things about my story and made me cry - That's because your writing sucks. She was helping you, you moron.

I prefer to get critical input from my readers, rather than just one biased point of view - Ever heard the term 'too many cooks spoil the broth'? Besides, no one with a brain is going to wade through that mess, so the only people who'll leave comments will be the 'u r gr8' brigade.

My mother read it and said it was wonderful - Your mother is either nurturing you because you're 'special', or your gene pool needs some chlorine.

Tastes like chicken

2005-10-13T17:03:09Z

If I read another slash fic where the guy is surprised at the taste of come, I'm going to flip my lid. Sure, there's variation, some guys are stronger than others, some guys are a little blander, but on the whole... if you've tasted a guy's come, you know what come tastes like.

Men do not come in different flavours. No one brags about being beer flavoured. No one tries to find the elusive peppermint come. No one collects little 'suck 'em all' cards with cute cartoon penes on them.

A woman giving a BJ for the first time can be surprised at the flavour, but a man? Even if the guy is so prissy he's never tasted his own, he's sure as Hell smelled it.

Bwah ha ha. Oh God, that's bad

2005-07-20T21:58:26Z

You'd think I'd know by now that 98% of writers are complete crap when they start out. God knows, I was dire until I got a massively competent beta who didn't mind tactfully explaining that I sucked beyond measure.

And yet, I'm still surprised when I stumble across the early work of someone I admire. Today's shock came courtesy of a writer I was vaguely aware of as a good writer in the HP fandom. She recently started writing SG:A fic, and her stories are wonderful. So I pootled along to her website and squeaked in joy when I saw she'd written TS fic. I made myself a cup of tea and started reading.

The horror, oh sweet merciful cheese, it was bad. There would be quite a good build up, but then the sex scenes... every cliché in the book. Duelling tongues, throbbing members, crinkled nubs, the works.

Still, I had a good laugh. And now I have to go take down at least half of the stories on A&A.

Oh yeah...

2005-07-15T15:51:52Z

I got tickets for the Edinburgh screening of Serenity. The completed, final cut version.

Damn, I'm running out of places to gloat.

helpless giggles

2005-07-15T15:29:46Z

Three paragraphs in a row... all with arsehole euphemisms:

aching entrance
tingling orifice
eager opening

It wasn't a bad story until the sex started I got splattered with indiscriminate purpleness.

headdesk

2005-07-13T23:42:02Z

How many times do we have to go through this?

viscous --- vicious

NOT THE SAME THING!

Oz fic

2005-06-05T19:31:34Z

There's far too many AU fics in the Oz fandom. I like Oz because I've got a prison kink a mile wide. I've got no interest in reading happy fluffy AU stories where Beecher and Keller never went to jail, but found each other anyway, and fell in twu wuv.

God, there has to be a rec page somewhere that specialises in canon Oz fics instead of AUs.

Gah!

2005-04-22T00:14:30Z

Y'know what I hate?

*looks down the page at previous rants*

Yeah, okay. Lots of things. However, today I'm going to rant about exposition.

Picture the scene... you're visiting a new fandom, and you don't really know your way around yet. You dip into one of the better archives, and you stumble across an amazing story. Enthralled, you sit reading this treasure for a couple of hours. Tension builds, juicy plot points burst refreshingly over your imagination, you become invested in the outcome of the story.

And then the unthinkable happens: the author gets bored, and finishes off the story with three paragraphs of exposition. All the foreshadowing, tension and excitement is crunched down into:

'Over the next few months *plot point* was resolved to everyone's satisfaction, and *character A* and *character B* decided to act on their unspoken attraction. While the *plot point* ran smoothly, *character B* slipped into *character A's* room and they made love for the first time. THE END'

Bastard! The story needed three more chapters, not three paragraphs!

It's like being seduced by the man of your dreams. He's pursued you for weeks, sending flowers and chocolates. He's handsome, charming and devastatingly sexy, and he wants you. You accept his invitation, and he takes you out to dinner at the best restaurant in town. He adores you, and everything is fun and easy. After dinner you walk in the moonlight, holding hands and laughing, before cuddling up together in the back of his limo. In the distance you can see his huge mansion, and you can only imagine the carnal delights that await.

Then he tells the driver to stop the car, jerks off on you and kicks you out the door. You're left standing at the gate with come on your face wondering what the fuck just happened.

Bad betas

2005-04-19T18:46:25Z

Sometimes a bad beta is worse than no beta at all. If you don't have a beta, the odds are that you'll check your work a little more thoroughly. And, if you're as obsessive as I am, run it through at least two spellcheckers. We should all do that anyway, but sometimes you're in a hurry, or you're lazy, and you rely on a beta to pick up the slack.

What started this rant off? A WIP posted to a mailing list. I hadn't even made it through the header when I started twitching. There were spelling mistakes even the most basic spellcheckers would have picked up. The e-mail came from a Yahoo addy, and Yahoo e-mail has a spellchecker. There's not even the excuse 'I'm writing in Notepad, I have no spellchecker'.

'Someone with no beta reader' I thought to myself, but no! At the bottom of the header was the note, 'Thanks to my beta's and co-writter'

*headdesk*

Get rid of your 'beta's', please. Find betas with functioning spellcheckers, and some grasp of the English language. If your betas already have these, have you considered the possibility that they hate you?

Argh!

2005-04-06T23:39:12Z

There's a site I frequent regularly, particularly when I'm looking for recs in new fandoms. The owner has the same taste in stories as I do (apart from a distressing tendency to rec the occasional kidfic) so I usually find plenty to get stuck into. I decided to go looking for Oz recs, since I've gone through everything on crack_van. And every single rec has a little note beside it saying either 'this is a WIP', 'this is an AU' or 'this story isn't on the internet any more'. An entire page of nothing but unfinished stories, AUs and stuff no one can read.

*headdesk*

People who rec WIPs should be forced to miss the last half an hour of every movie they ever see ever again.

O.o

2005-03-20T15:26:34Z

Wow, I just read the least sexy euphemism for vagina ever to have been used in an erotic story.

Hungry cuntal tube.

WTF? Was that supposed to turn me on? Gah! Now I have to add 'tube' to my list of words that have been ruined by bad fanfic.

Done

2005-03-13T16:24:11Z

Well, after over a week of making me jump through hoops, AFF.net has finally deleted beka's account. I'm fairly sure that if I hadn't pushed so hard, the whole thing would have been ignored. Once I was actually made aware of the mailing list, things went a little more smoothly, and the list mod was very helpful. However, I still think the whole thing was handled badly.

I'm going to stick with WWoMB for archiving. I've never had to wait a week to get a reply from Peja.

AdultFanFiction.net and Plagiarism

2005-03-11T21:47:11Z

So, AdultFanFiction.net... I've e-mailed the addy given specifically to report plagiarism. I've e-mailed the web maintainer. I've even e-mailed the person who hosts the page with all the PayPal info. And what have I got back?

Sweet Fuck All.

Does anyone know anything about the management over there? Are they all on holiday at the South Pole? Have they severed all ties with AFF.net? Do they really not give a shit?

There's a review on one of beka's plagiarised stories accusing her of stealing it which is almost a year old. And someone was trying to report plagiarism around the same time, and couldn't get a reply either.

If this site isn't moderated, then it's an invitation to plagiarists. If you have a story uploaded to AFF.net, I urge you to take it down until the situation is resolved. If you donate money to help support AFF.net, stop doing it, you're supporting a site that allows plagiarism. If you have a friend that archives stories on AFF.net, tell him or her, so they can decide if they want to take their stories down. If you think plagiarism shouldn't be tolerated, pass this message along.

Edit: Apparently the maintainer of AFF.net is aware that allegations of plagiarism have been made against beka. And the reason she's done nothing? She has the flu and her e-mail isn't working very well. Call me cynical if you want, but her e-mail managed to work fine while she was making excuses for her inaction on a mailing list. Funny how it only seems to malfunction when one of the four people plagiarised tries to get a reply from her.

Queen of the Pie People

*stab* *stab* *stab*

It's like... rebranding, in a way.

Hey!

It's called 'feedback' because it's feeding information back to you.

Pink Plunge

People are IDIOTS

Incoming WiP rant

Oops

*headdesk*

*whimper*

Shoot me. Really... just... do it fast.

Funniest thing today

For the last fucking time...

Tastes like chicken

Bwah ha ha. Oh God, that's bad

Oh yeah...

*helpless giggles*

*headdesk*

Oz fic

Gah!

Bad betas

Argh!

O.o

Done

AdultFanFiction.net and Plagiarism

stab stab stab

headdesk

whimper

helpless giggles

headdesk