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[29 Feb 2004|05:39pm] |
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It's absolutely fucking insane how much I miss him.
It's just a couple of weeks, it's almost over, we'll both be home again soon, but Christ...I didn't realize it would hurt this much. I didn't realize just how addicted I am to the sound of his breathing as he falls asleep in my arms. I didn't realize just how used to his presence I am when we're in bed at night. I haven't been sleeping well at all since I've been gone, and it's even worse on nights when he calls or when I call him. It's like this big tease and then this big let-down when I hang up the phone and he isn't here.
Fuck.
Soon. That's what I have to keep telling myself. Soon.
Soon, I'll see him again and soon I'll be home. Home. God, how did that happen? How did home shift from here to there without me even noticing the change? Home is where he is and somehow, I'm not nearly as scared of that notion as I was even a month ago.
God, I fucking miss him.
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[voicemail for ![[info]](http://www.journalfen.net/img/userinfo.gif) jared] |
[20 Feb 2004|04:41pm] |
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Hey baby, it's me. London, huh? Any idea how long you'll be there? I'm probably going to be here for close to two weeks, not one like I had hoped. *pauses, then lets out a soft sigh* God, I miss you. I'm sorry I didn't catch you...I'll try back a bit later. I'm having dinner with my agent tonight to talk about things, so if you can't reach me at home, I'll have my cell on me. *goes silent for a few long moments, voice a little softer when it returns* I miss you, Jared, and I can't wait to be home again. *smiles to himself; Jared's apartment really does feel like home to him now and he can't quite get over that thought* I'll call back later and try to catch you, baby. Miss you. *pauses for just a beat before hanging up*
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| [private entry] |
[29 Jan 2004|12:47am] |
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Jared asked me to move in with him.
Christ.
I don't know what surprised me more: the fact that he asked or the fact that I wanted to say yes. I didn't say it; told him I needed some time to think about it. But I wanted to, Christ, wanted to say yes without even stopping to consider it. I haven't even known him for two months yet, but it just feels right. It feels...I don't know. Natural.
And fuck, that should scare me. Warning sirens should be going off. And yet, all my defenses are strangely silent. Strangely absent.
( Of course, it's a lot more complicated than just calling him up and saying, 'Yes, I'll move in with you.' )
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| [voicemail for jared] |
[24 Jan 2004|07:40pm] |
[Timestamped somewhere around 4:30pm.]
Jared, it's Matt. Just got your message about the poker tournament. I should be able to make it; just give me a call and let me know all the details. *pauses as though he's thinking about something* And damn...you've gotten me curious now as to what you're wondering about. I'll ask you tonight when I see you. I'll see you later, then. *click*
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| Ah, the holidays. |
[30 Dec 2003|03:50pm] |
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[public]
Christmas with the family was wonderful. I hadn't been home in a long, long time, and it was great to see all my aunts and uncles and cousins again. Not to mention my mom and two brothers. It was nice. Really nice.
I've forgotten how it feels to go somewhere where I'm not Matthew McConaughey, but just plain old Matt, the guy who used to play all kinds of practical jokes on his brothers, the guy who moved to Australia after high school because I needed a change.
And also, the guy in a frightening number of old home movies that my mother insisted on screening for the whole family to watch. I apparently had a penchant for being naked, even as a young child. Who would have thought?
Anyway, I'm catching a flight in a couple of hours for New York. Will be there through the first of the year, if anyone wants to go for drinks or something.
I actually have a date for New Year's this year.
God, how long has it been since I've been able to make that claim? I honestly couldn't tell you.
So, New Year's in New York. Here's to 2004.
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| Holiday...cheer? |
[26 Dec 2003|11:53am] |
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[private]
Mom had the house already decorated by the time I got home. Walked through the door mid-day on the 22 and you'd have thought I was walking into one of those Christmas displays in the middle of a mall or something. There was holly and garland everywhere, more tinsel than you could shake a stick at, and I was sure we were breaking some kind of fire code with the number of lights she'd had my brothers put up.
But it was Christmas and I was home again, so that's all that mattered.
Mom really outdid herself this year with the food -- stuffed us all to the point of way past overflowing. The whole lot of us got together around the table, just like old times, laughing and catching up on what one another had been up to the past year.
I didn't mention Jared, but my mother had that knowing look. The one she always gets when she knows I'm thinking about someone. Christ, am I ever. I haven't been able to get him off my mind, and the more I try, the more I just can't help but recall every last detail about our time spent together.
He let--no, asked me to tie him to the bed and fuck him. Nothing I haven't done before, right? Wrong. I was so fucking lost inside every reaction he had to me that I was sure for a moment that I'd finally lost it. And maybe I have. What happened to all my rules about one night only? What happened to my rules about not encouraging or cultivating a real interest in someone?
What happened to all my rules about never dating again?
I asked if I could see him on New Year's, and he said yes. I don't know what I was thinking. No, that's a lie. I know exactly what I was thinking. I was thinking that I'm so damned enthralled by him that it scares me, and that I have to know more. I want to know him, want to know things about him that I haven't bothered to know about anyone these past couple years. I want to take him to dinner and maybe to a movie and just talk. Just spend some time with him and figure out what the hell kind of spell he's cast over me.
I miss him. I barely know the guy, haven't spent any real time with him outside of bed, but I miss him.
I've been trying to decide if I should call him or not. Part of me wants to, but then again, part of me is terrified that just hearing his voice again will strip away the last shreds of resistance that I've been able to manage.
And I'm not sure if that would be a good thing or a bad thing.
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