she who is - not a fandom thing

About not a fandom thing

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This isn't a fandom entry -- but I'm writing it here because if I can't put my thoughts out into words for other people to see, I think I might implode. And she doesn't know this is here.

I haven't even really read the comments she left. I saw the first few lines, and some lines later down, and now I'm already so upset by the situation that I can't /let/ myself read them until I'm somewhere safe to be angry. I don't have a safe place to be angry anymore. I can't be angry about it at work, because I'm not supposed to be online at work like this. I can't be angry at home, because she might walk in, and I want to be prepared for the confrontation. I can't be angry at Michael's because he always gets so upset with me for being angry like this.

Where can I go? I guess I should print them out, and go off to a park or something away from everyone, with a notepad so I can think about my responses.

I did a stupid thing, though, since I didn't read them, but I was so angry --- she is so ... whatever the word should be ... they're anonymous comments in my livejournal on an entry that doesn't even pertain to her. Why can't she talk to me face-to-face about this? Anytime we see each other in person, it's always cutsey-sweet, nicey-nice, hello how are you, and nobody's issues get mentioned. I'm guilty too -- I could have had it out with her last night when she came home at 9:30, but I was a coward too.

Anyway, I was so angry, this morning, just over the anonymous thing -- I went over to her journal and told her she was being a coward for doing it that way, not being brave enough to talk to me face-to-face over whatever. So brilliant, to leave anonymous comments on an entry that had nothing to do with her. Admittedly, that's part of why I screen anonymous comments, and /that/'s definitely why I didn't reply to her comments -- I don't /want/ them unscreened, I don't want her minions descending on me. I know how society girls are.

I don't understand how she can claim that leaving anonymous comments in my livejournal is logical and not cowardly. If you're so bothered by drama and confrontation, move out. Something, other than this passive-aggressive crap. Other than this "I'm going to unsubtly nudge you to do things my way."

I know what she wants. She's got an oversensitive nose, and she tried to cover up any smells she doesn't like (like me, and Misha, and the cat) with smell absorbers and scented candles and scent-makers -- and she wants me to make the bad smells go away since she percieves them coming from me. But she can't be bothered to talk to me about it. She just buys the things and leaves them everywhere, even in my personal space.

Her door is locked if she's not there (and I can't think how she does it, since the lock was there before we moved in, and my door keys don't operate it) -- but I can't lock my door. That's partly because it doesn't have the same kind of lock, but also because if I shut my door, Phoebe can't get to her litterbox. But I can't put the litterbox anywhere else because she objected so very strongly to Phoebe's arrival in the first place ("I can't stand the smell of cats, don't let her touch my stuff"). So my personal space is open to her at any time, where she can do /anything/ to it, spray stuff around, leave smell-maskers around, whatever, and yet she doesn't trust me enough to leave her space open.

I'm so tired of coming home to find my things moved around, to find evidence that she's been in my space again.

It isn't even the fact that she seems to have no concept at all of courtesy for other people -- I can't think that she's had a roommate before. Coming in late from a job, or whatever, that's fine. But ... it's like this. She objects to my smells invading her nose/space; I object to her sounds invading my ears/space.

And about the smells, anyway -- first thing is that I have to think with all the various candles and incense and smell-maskers and smell-makers around, they must clash somehow. You can't put all that kind of shit around in a fairly small, warm space and not have the scents clash. So that's gotta be part of it. One bit I did glimpse was her going "you and your boyfriend need to wear deodorant (I do, thanks) and cologne (I what?) and shower more often" and I ... what the hell? What the hell, you know? I shower every day. Sometimes, if I feel grungy or it was a bad day, twice. I put on the deodorant I buy, and seriously, if you are /that/ sensitive to the natural scent (she claims BO) of someone who usually isn't even in the house when you're there, then you have a problem.

I can't think how, if she's so terribly sensitive to smells and messes, how in the world does she cope with the real world out there? How does she ever manage at her jobs, if she's even got any anymore, how does she cope in the real world with this need to control such a wide space?

I could play at this war of backstabbing. It would not be hard. I have hacker friends whom I could easily let into our network -- I just take my computer off it for a few hours, whatever. The tv, the dvd player, the ps2, the cable modem are all mine. I could take them all away. She talked so much about how she needed internet so she could look for jobs when we moved in -- I have a job. I don't /need/ the 'net at home. Yeah, it's nice, but I have a laptop, and if I feel that shut out of my own space, I'll move my computer over to Misha's. I could easily set it up to 'punish' her the way she keeps trying to do to me.

But I can't see the point. What's the point in making such a big deal, in setting us up to be enemies, in back-stabbing and society-girl games with someone I will never see again after 3 months? I've had bad roommates before -- I've shared /rooms/ with them. This is nothing. But I want her out of my space. I don't want to have to go to lengths to protect my stuff from someone who's demonstrated from the start that I couldn't trust her.

It's my own mistake, really. I saw the warning signs of society girl masquerading as geek, and I ignored them. I was in too much of a hurry to get my own space, to be close to Misha, and I just grabbed at the first thing that came along. I should have been more patient. I shouldn't've let my emotions drive me.

One thing that puzzles me is this: she's latched on to what Misha said, in channel, about "what can you expect from a model" as if I had said it, as if I condoned it. I didn't, and don't. That's his opinion, and I don't control his thoughts and opinions. I dressed him down for it, in fact, for making judgments like that. But all the same he's got the same right of free speech as anyone else and if he wants to attribute her behaviours to her being a model -- that's his fucking prerogative. Even in public.

Edit to add: (EVOL) I should take the BPAL imps I still have and dabble them everywhere. If she wants scents, you know. I've got scents. And those things are strong.
Current Mood: Fixin' for a fight
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From:[info]smo
Date: March 8th, 2006 05:16 pm (UTC)
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And this would be why I decided not to live with roommates anymore.
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From:[info]naienko
Date: March 8th, 2006 06:13 pm (UTC)
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*/wishes/ she could afford that*

I keep telling myself, 3 more months. Then Michael and I will get a place, and see if we can live together instead of just going out together.
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From:[info]smo
Date: March 8th, 2006 06:17 pm (UTC)
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I'm going to be trying that with my boyfriend soon, too. *crosses fingers*
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From:[info]naienko
Date: March 8th, 2006 07:04 pm (UTC)
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I kinda figure that a) we practically live in each other's pockets /now/, so, hope, and b) if we /can't/ live together, well, no hope.
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From:[info]smo
Date: March 8th, 2006 07:18 pm (UTC)
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Word. Plus, it'll save us both schlepping four hours each way to visit each other.
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From:[info]naienko
Date: March 8th, 2006 07:27 pm (UTC)
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I feel spoilt. XP Here: BOOBIES.
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From:[info]smo
Date: March 8th, 2006 10:19 pm (UTC)
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Hee.

Also: OMG, yours is a Misha too!
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From:[info]naienko
Date: March 8th, 2006 10:34 pm (UTC)
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*dies* Now the question is, is yours a Misha because that's his given name, or because someone else nicknamed him that, or because /you/ nicknamed him that?

Glowing BOOBIES.
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From:[info]smo
Date: March 8th, 2006 10:37 pm (UTC)
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His parents nicknamed him that, and it's easier to pronounce correctly than "Mikhail." :D
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From:[info]naienko
Date: March 8th, 2006 10:50 pm (UTC)
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Mine is a Misha because I love to use Russian nicknames and because he doesn't look like a 'Mike'. He looks ... well, if I am being mushy, he looks like /mine/. But you know how some people, you hear their name, and you go, "wow, that totally doesn't suit them" or "that's the perfect name for you"? Plus, whining Misha is easier than whining Michael. XP
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From:[info]smo
Date: March 9th, 2006 01:05 am (UTC)
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My mother, being my mother, has shortened "Misha" to "Mish." Which means that my former babysitter's (long story) kids, who are three and five, also call him Mish, because that's what Nona Patty does. Hee.
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From:[info]sepiamagpie
Date: March 8th, 2006 09:39 pm (UTC)
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Jaysus.
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From:[info]naienko
Date: March 8th, 2006 10:01 pm (UTC)
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You should see the anonymous comments I'm ranting about.
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From:[info]snacky
Date: March 9th, 2006 04:58 pm (UTC)
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Wow. Just keep telling yourself that it's only three months. Can you get out of there, without breaking a lease?

Good luck.
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From:[info]naienko
Date: March 9th, 2006 11:18 pm (UTC)
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both our names are on the lease, so I'm kind of stuck there. But at this point, with the furniture, I don't really have anywhere to go. I'd have to go back with my dad (not the problem) and rent a storage space for the bigger pieces of furniture.

So I'm really hanging on to the three months thing.
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