NM

Declaration of Conversion

2008-09-23T19:29:07Z

George R.R. Martin.... oh my God, this man can write.

I've been putting off reading his books because they're long and take lots of investment, unlike the cheap hilarious romance novels that I brightened my summer with, but I picked up "A Game of Thrones" the other day, and I'm now almost finished "A Clash of Kings" and I've bought the next two. They are brilliant, but if you've already read them you'll know that. If you haven't, go read them.

I wasn't quite sure what to expect, because I'd heard they were dark, and 'dark' in fannish terms passes for 'lots of blood and sex and weird religion.' A lot of fantasy authors try to be 'dark' just for the hell of it, and they don't build up very believable societies around those three themes. Martin's definitely dark, plus he's got the blood and the sex and the weird religion, but he also knows what he's doing.

What really stood out for *me* was that the deaths seemed quite clearly telegraphed, chapters in advance, in contrast to other people who'd told me the deaths of characters were surprising and shocking. But then I noticed that in reading Martin, I'd very quickly switched my genre expectations from High Fantasy to Medieval Saga. That the book "A Game of Thrones" most reminded me of was Njal's Saga, with its huge cast of characters, caught up in war and revenge, and never escaping impending doom.

So. Jon Snow's mother. By the end of the first book, I thought I'd got it, and the theory still stands as of Book II. He's the son of Leanna Stark and Rhaegar Targaryen, I'm pretty darn sure.

Labour Party = Slytherfen

2008-09-23T19:03:42Z

Sheep, I've got you your Draco!Labour metaphor here.

The Plot of Twilight and Sequels, as I understand it from reading snippets in various bookstores

2008-05-21T04:54:38Z

"Take me! Take me now!"

"Okay! But I have to vampirize you first!"

"Oh well, don't take me now!"

"But actually, maybe I will"

"Take me now, then!"

"I'm not sure about this."

"Take me, please!"

"All right, I'll take you now!"

"I don't think I want to do this yet."

etc. etc. etc.

Small Old Jane Austen Wank

2008-04-14T18:43:04Z

I was browsing Jane Austen sequels and came on this exchange on the Amazon review page of Consequence: Or Whatever Happened To Charlotte Lucas.

This book is absolutely awful., June 15, 1999
By A Customer
I am also, like the author, a JASNA member. I looked forward to the book, particularly as the presumable topic was Charlotte. The author's verbage is more an exercise in her wish to string together names of "offspring" of all the characters in all the Jane Austen novels ever written, without regard to time, location, and most certainly, without regard to probability. This book did not concern Charlotte; stole too much language from Jane's novels, and did not resemble Austen's works in style, story or sense. A waste of my money.

Followed by:

Decide for Yourselves, December 23, 1999
By Elizabeth Newark "bluestocking" (Berkeley, California) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)
Forgive me for speaking on my own behalf, but anyone reading the next-in-line review might think my book was trash. It is not, of course. Before it was published it was reviewed by Professor Juliet McMaster, of the University of Alberta, a leading member of the Jane Austen Society of North America and one of their most delightful speakers. It was Professor McMaster who wrote: Jane would be proud of you (I intend of have those words engraved on my tombstone.)

The next reviewer claims to be a member of the Jane Austen Society, but she chooses to be anonymous. No true Jane Austen reader would hide her identity.

Elizabeth Newark

A story I Never Wrote

2008-03-07T19:44:33Z

Talking with Alec, I was telling him about a fic I never wrote, and never will. Might as well post it here and get it out of my system.

In '1975', the soon-to-be Death Eaters, Roland 'Rolly' Wilkes and Florence Jorkins were engaged in an obviously doomed romance. Since the only canon mention of Wilkes was that he was killed. Wilkes's mother was Lucius Malfoy's aunt, but she'd long since distanced herself from the Malfoys. And when it was announced her son had been a Death Eater, she posthumously disowned him. Never spoke of him again, destroyed his belongings etc. To some extent, she was probably afraid of Crouch suspecting she was somehow involved.

When she was informed that, before dying, her son had had a liaison with Florence Jorkins, also now accused of being a Death Eater, and that Florence was pregnant, she denied any connection to the child, or responsibility.

Florence wasn't sent to Azkaban immediately. They waited till she'd delivered her child, then sent her there. And she died very soon after. The Jorkins took the baby girl, named her Marika after her maternal grandmother, and decided her best chance for a normal life would be to send her to live with her relatives in Albania. Marika turned out, to everyone's shame, to be a Squib. Most of the family thought this was logical enough. That the illegitimate daughter of parents who had done such terrible things was suffering for her parents' deeds. A curse on their offspring.

However, they brought Marika up decently enough, preparing her to live in the Muggle world, where she could get on better. No one else worried about the girl, certainly not the Malfoys. Until her grandmother Lucasta Ganelon, nee Malfoy, having outlived her second husband, died, and unexpectedly left her whole estate to her only grandchild, the hardly known Marika Jorkins.

Lucasta's first husband, Roland Wilkes Sr., had died penniless, but her second husband had done very well for himself. It was then that the Malfoys decided that they really needed to extend a helping hand to their dear cousin.

The Malfoys' fortunes were at a very low point. Lucius was narrowly avoiding Azkaban, and the alliance with the Dark Lord had financially ruined them. Well, dear second cousin Marika was just a little younger than Draco. A squib, unfortunately, but you can't have everything, and perhaps she could be disposed of later. The Jorkins family in England is dead now, and hasn't any real friends. Same with the Wilkses. Wouldn't it be splendid if Draco could marry his cousin and save the family's fortunes?

Marika being a Squib, she really couldn't put up much resistance, if she were to be forcibly detained. One would just have to be careful the Aurors didn't hear about it. Draco privately also thought that it'd look very well, very open-minded of him, when the marriage was announced. If the marriage produced children who failed to be magical, on test, they would need to make arrangements, of course. But plenty of Squibs have had magical children. And it's not as if they'd be letting muddy blood into the family.

They don't count on one person, however. A young man with something of a sacred charge to watch over Marika. A duty inherited from his father, as his grandmother will remind him.

When Marika was born, detained somewhere in a Ministry cell, an Auror promised Florence that at least, he would see her child was safe. It was the last thing he could do for a girl he'd once liked, in the days when he'd been a prefect in Slytherin, and she was one of the brightest prospects in the House.

He took the baby to Florence's sister, Bertha, to make arrangements for the child. Bertha wanted the child christened right away, before her very unbelieving father intervened. Bertha being a very respectable woman, if not really devout. So, Marika Jorkins was christened soon after her birth, with Bertha Jorkins and Frank Longbottom standing as her godparents. He never saw the girl again. Later, he presumed, she'd be back, and he'd have to take up that responsibility. But there wasn't a later for him.

When Frank's mother, however, read in the Daily Prophet that Lucasta Ganelon had finally kicked the bucket, and left Frank's goddaughter in a tricky position, she was very quick to inform Neville that it was absolutely his family duty to take on Frank's obligation.

Neville at first assumed that this meant dropping in to say hello to Marika, and asking her if she needed a tour of London, since she was new. Maybe sending her a Christmas card once a year.

But then Marika disappears, soon after arriving in Britain, and Neville has to find her, before something awful happens.

As for Marika, she's not entirely sure what's going on. She accepted the Malfoys' invitation to visit, but they won't let her leave. Still, she wants to know all about her father. Her family never mentioned him, and here, Lucius and Narcissa are quite eager to oblige.

Of course, it all ends with Neville rescuing Marika, but the above is as far as I plotted.

About that Vander Ark update.

2008-03-03T20:13:33Z

Exhibits F and G are the stuff I searched for and posted on FW and here.

*waves hello to Jo's lawyers*

Making all things clear

2008-02-25T19:21:47Z

I was writing up the latest FW Sockpuppet outbreak on the wiki, and noticed a funny little detail about that wank.

The somewhat obtuse OP of this thread is another one of SVA's LJ friends, who joined JF in December and only comments on SVA. She didn't bother to sockpuppet, kudos to her.

Silly Sockpuppet

2008-02-15T22:36:31Z

Ok, I posted all about Niuserre/Haley/Allthatjas's cunning plan.

Now it go asplodey? Or will she finally say, "It's a fair cop! You've got me bang to rights, guv'nor!"

A Confession

2008-02-15T04:00:51Z

I think I need to confess to my flist that I work for a non-profit organization, and have been known to finance my lust for Toblerone White Chocolate with the proceeds I derive from the non-profit organization.

Another Ridiculous Lexicon Detail

2008-02-13T20:40:38Z

Melissa at TLC contacted Langford to check if the Ansible letter was really from SVA. Some people had doubts.

Melissa: As asked, I contacted and heard from David Langford as well. The email is accurate and came from his personal email address. The only "significant change," he said, besides routine formatting (caps, ital, etc.) was modifying 'The full text of the Lexicon book...' to 'A large portion of the Lexicon book text...' Apparently it emerged in the correspondence that "full text" wasn't quite accurate, and Steve suggested he edit the post say that a that large portion was available as pat of the filings from WB, which he did.

What this means:

In SVA's published letter to Ansible, there's the sentence, "A large portion of the Lexicon book text is available online as part of the filings from Warner Bros last week if you'd like to see what the final result looks like."

According to Langford, SVA's original draft said that "The full text of the Lexicon book is available online as part of the filings from Warner Bros." Langford obviously was skeptical that WB had put the whole book online, and got a correction on that from SVA before publishing.

What is going on? Did SVA want it to look more like he was being victimized by WB? Or is he just that clueless?

Disingenuous like woah.

2008-02-11T16:50:07Z

Annephoenix has no idea what is going on.

"To be honest, I have NO idea about the legal whatsits of this case. None, and I will be v interested in the outcome of the hearing. But since the public media/press lawyers tend to consider this a landmark case, maybe it does have more merit than f_w would make one think? Maybe not ;). I truly don't know!"

But she does know that Steve Vander Ark is just doing what Emerson Spartz does with Rowling's blessing.

Could all this have anything to do with the fact she's a Sectus organizer who blames Fandom Wank for... something?

R/Hr: Because Harry Isn't Up To It

2008-02-01T17:52:29Z

Some of my friends have already been amusing themselves with this fic, and now I see why. It's practically the silliest thing I've read in HP fandom, which takes some doing. Regency H/Hr.

“I – I’m sorry to disturb you,” she said, stepping tentatively into the room, “but I’m a little…er…perplexed.”

The bedclothes rustled as Harry sat up. “Well, come here and tell me what is troubling you.”

Hermione padded barefoot over to his bed and sat hesitantly. She was grateful now for the darkness, for it meant Harry would not be able to see her blush as she attempted to explain herself.

“As I said, I’m a bit perplexed because…well, I’ve been told that upon one’s wedding night, it is…er…customary, to consummate the marriage, and…well, we don’t appear to be doing that.”

Harry’s reaction was a rather audible intake of breath.

“I – I did not think you would…want to…er…consummate,” Harry said. “Until such time as you wanted to have children, of course. Presuming you want to have children at all.”

“I did not think I had a choice,” Hermione replied truthfully.

“Well…you certainly ought to. As I’m sure you’ve heard, it is…quite painful for a lady, the first time, and I do not wish to inflict that upon you until it is necessary.”

This is Chapter Two. By Chapter Six, Hermione and Harry have advanced to sharing a bed. By Chapter Eleven, they consummate the marriage.

Superteam meme.

2008-01-28T19:49:46Z

Assemble a superteam from your various fandoms. Your team must consist of the following:
(1) Team Leader
(1) Warrior
(1) Smartypants
(1) Hottie
(1) Comic Relief
All your superteam members must be from DIFFERENT fandoms.

Team Leader - Psmith from P.G. Wodehouse's books. If Psmith can make havoc of boarding school, bank, country house, and the gangs of New York, he can lead this team.

Warrior - Kitty Jones from 'The Bartimaeus Trilogy'. She "did not waste words when a punch would do".

Smartypants - Miles Vorkosigan from Lois McMaster Bujold's novels. Made for the role, I think.

Hottie - Prince Charming from 'Fables'. Whatever his faults as a lying womanizer.

Comic Relief - Herr Dr. Schmidt from Elizabeth Peters' "Vicky Bliss" novels. Schmidt is a fat, short, romantic-minded German museum director, who "thinks of himself as a briliant amateur sleuth, the sourge of the underworld."

Now, add a team of supervillains for your team to fight.
(1) Master
(1) Loyal Lapdog
(1) Mad Scientist
(1) Bloodthirsty Assassin
(1) Lovable Failure
Like your superhero team, all members must be from different fandoms.

Master - Richard III, from Shakespeare's play.

Loyal Lapdog - Count Rugen from the Princess Bride. The six-fingered man.

Mad Scientist - The God of Evolution from Terry Pratchett's "The Last Continent." NOt my favourite Pratchett book, but the bit where he revealed a Giant Cockroach to be the ideal end product of evolution *was* a favourite.

Bloodthirsty Assassin - Cindy the Windowmaker from Jasper Fforde's 'Something Rotten'. (She misprinted 'Widowmaker' on her business cards.) Convinced her doting husband she was a librarian from a proud Sicilian family of librarians whose parents were gunned down on library business.

Lovable Failure - Smee from 'Peter Pan'

For Ashenmote

2008-01-07T19:55:15Z

Now that you've discovered Yes Minister, I'm presenting you with my big, best Crossover ever theory.

Bernard is totes a wizard

Unfortunately, it's beyond my capability to write.

Looks Like Another Entertaining Rowling Year

2008-01-07T17:52:16Z

JKR: A part of the final battle that made me smile was Slughorn galloping back with Slytherins, (SU: Yes!) (JN laughs) but they’d gone off to get reinforcements first, you know what I’m saying? But yes, they came back, they came back to fight, so I mean- but I’m sure that many people would say “Well, that’s common sense, isn’t it? Isn’t that smart, to get out, get more people and come back with them?”

So the Slytherins came back, eh?

*is laughing so hard the tears are rolling down her face*

Oh, Jo, I love you more than any author out there. You've got an almost Bertie Woosterish talent for spreading chaos among your fans.

But I really think that had better be made clearer in the subsequent edition. I came up with this idea, but I thought I was retconning, not reading the authorial intent properly.

P.S. Have I mentioned before that my (adult) brother, were he to post online, would be prime Fandom Wank material? He said after Christmas dinner that he felt like Rowling was trying to shove her interview canon in his face, and make him accept it, and was telling him to shut up. Also that he wasn't going to give her anymore money. I asked him why he was reading all her interviews, and he couldn't quite explain that. It was great after-dinner entertainment. Particularly when it came out that Harry Potter Seven was the only book he's read this past year. *headdesk*

Thank God the Server is So Robust

2007-11-30T17:05:50Z

Ok. What happened with rachelthedemon? Did she delete her journal and flounce off, after being so very amused?

*sits back to hear the story*

The problem with the racist hair wank...

2007-11-11T23:07:25Z

is that most people, on hearing the word "hair", will be seized with an uncontrollable urge to talk about their own hair. Only this theory can explain some of the comments on FW. They're not callous to racial concerns, they just want to enlighten you about the time someone asked to touch their blonde hair, or their struggles to find the right type of hairspray for their fine brunette curls.

Full disclosure here. I have very, very curly light-brown/blonde hair.

To dream the impossible dream

2007-11-07T20:07:00Z

I've been digging through the HPFGU archives from 2000 and found a number of interesting posts from Steve Vander Ark. The wank has taken on the qualities of psychological drama for me. The correspondence I'm highlighting could be an illustrative case of Why You Should State Some Caveats When You Teach Your Kids To Pursue Their Dream No Matter What.

ETA: More stuff on Fandom Discuss. This time not about Vander Ark's ambitions, but about how he got from being Rowling's biggest cheerleader to here. And I reveal my odd empathy for Vander Ark.

On what meat doth our Caesar feed?

2007-11-07T02:20:57Z

If you aren't following the Lexicon wank breathlessly, there's now a screencap of Steve's ironic email exchange with the would-be Harry Potter encylopaedia writers. The one where he declares his loyalty to JKR *and* outlines his scheme for being her number one man. He really is Gilderoy Lockhart, but without the dashing good looks to compensate.

Any Subjugation icons?

2007-11-05T18:32:27Z

Does anyone on my flist know where I could get a "I Have Not Yet Begun To Debauch" ! Dumbledore icon? I'm thinking that I saw them floating around, and I wanted one as soon as Dumbledore was outed.

'Subjugation' (for the mercifully unaware) is a really horrid PWP epic where Dumbledore and Sirius rape Snape and make him grow hooters. Dumbledore's famous line therein is "I have not yet begun to debauch."

"He had lied about knowing Japanese"

2007-11-02T17:25:38Z

This non-English-language wank sounds hilarious.

Fans. For the fail, the world over.

What I'd Like To Write In My Paper, But Won't

2007-11-02T15:56:26Z

While a universally agreed-upon estimate of the number of victims of Stalin's Purges will probably never be reached, the existing literature does support the conclusion that majority of the researchers on this question consider themselves to be victims of their colleague's Stalinist persecution. An example that could stand for the rest can be found in Sheila Fitzpatrick's 1993 paper on the Moscow and Leningrad telephone directories and the Great Purge.

My preliminary report on the telephone study, delivered to the Russian Research Center at Harvard University in 1978, was very critically received, probably mainly for political reasons (since Harvard at that time was an unfriendly environment for revisionist Sovietologists), but partly also for methodological ones. I took the methodological criticism seriously and decided to change my sampling technique...

So, basically, she admits her original report was crappy, but people hated it just because they were *after* her. Though, this is mild compared to Robert Conquest's pattern of accusing Stephen Wheatcroft of being Stalin's present-day henchman.

I used to *respect* a lot of these scholars before I started reading their fights.

The downfalls and upsides of being a History Nerd

2007-10-28T22:56:49Z

The Sexy Slytherin Snape Syrena Sodomite wank just isn't as funny as it should be for me, because I kept wanting to make historical corrections, like, "No! You're completely wrong about the origin of the dating of Christmas!" But I restrained myself, which is much better than some others I can name. Instead, here's something I really thought was funny, from research for a paper I'm writing.

from M.F. Shkiriatov's speech at the Central Committee plenum of 7-12 January 1933, quoted p. 89 in The Road To Terror: Stalin and the Destruction of the Bolsheviks, 1932 - 1939. J. Arch Getty and Oleg V. Naumov.

"I would like to speak out of one other antiparty method of operation, namely, the so-called jokes. What are these jokes? Jokes against the party constitute agitation against the party. Who among us Bolsheviks does not know how we fought against tsarism in the old days, how we told jokes in order to undermine the authority of the existing system? We know that all factional groups always resorted to such a method of malicious, hostile agitation. This has also been employed as a keen weapon against the Central Committee of the party."

M.F. Shkiriatov to be declared saint of Serious Business?

Another Craigslist Discovery

2007-10-26T14:39:58Z

If you want to laugh, browsing Gawker is a good bet, but this one went above and beyond the call of duty, and made me laugh until the tears ran down my face.

Why Will No One Live With Michelle and Emily in Astoria?

I've an exam to write in about fifteen minutes, must stop laughing.

JKR Gayed Dumbledore: Page 606: Absolutely True!

2007-10-22T15:29:50Z

I heard the shocking news that Dumbledore was gay on the radio station playing in a dollar store. And I immediately wanted to drop all the crafts stuff I was shopping for, and head for a computer to enjoy the wank. But I'd promised the kids at home a crafts night. So I ended up sacrificing my amusement for the kids. If I've learnt anything from the Yuletide wank, this means that I can hold a grudge at JKR for not timing her announcements with my family life.

As I finished shopping, however, I made a quick list of what I would see on FW if I was lucky.

1. Anti-yaoi goes ballistic
2. Conservative uproar from both fans, and more amusingly, the anti-fans. (See, we TOLD you HP was evil and Would You Listen To Us?)
3. Slashers upset that JKR insists Grindelwald was Dumbledore's true love, when he and Voldemort were TRUE LOVE 4 EVA.
4. JKR is just posturing because she didn't say Dumbledore was gay in the books.
5. JKR is anti-gay because Dumbledore's gay romance fails because it was gay.
6. JKR is anti-gay because her Hitler character is gay.
7. JKR is anti-gay because Dumbledore is evil, and she's saying gay people are all Machiavellian meglomaniacs.
8. JKR is anti-gay because she still hasn't acknowledged that Sirius/Lupin/Tonks are gay.
9. But Dumbledore was in love with McGonagall!

That aside, I'm not in the least surprised. I'd thought it was made quite clear enough that Dumbledore fell head over heels in love with Grindelwald. I don't think this interview is extra information, just a confirmation from the author that, yes, take the text at face value.

And, Dumbledore's copious faults aside, I don't think he's a bad guy, so I don't see any offence. Instead, he has a lot of character traits that in my experience seem to be denied when it comes to men with a primarily homosexual orientation. You probably all know the offensive stereotypes. Gay men can't form non-sexual friendships with other men. Gay men can't be fathers/father figures. Being gay means having sex with everything that moves. etc.

ETA: This is the Potterdammerung, yes?

NM