01:01 pm - A MST of a very old joke
Anne Rice tackles the life of Jesus, and my fictional characters laugh at her.
Dear Reader,
For over ten years I've wanted to do this book--
BATSHEVA: Degrading New Orleans' Reputation Even Further?
Jesus in his own words.
JACOB: I am way more qualified to write that book than she is. I mean, my mom was Jewish, I barely knew my dad, I had long hair, and no one understands me.
BATSHEVA: I doubt Jesus was balding. Besides, just because no one understands you, doesn't mean you're the Messiah.
For five years I've been obsessed with
JACOB: Pissing away any talent she may have had?
BATSHEVA: More convoluted canon than George Lucas?
how to do it, and for
the last three years I've been consumed with nothing else.
BATSHEVA: Does that mean it took precedence over stuff like hygiene?
JACOB: You know that story about Queen Isabella not changing her underwear until a Dutch city was captured? Why am I imagining Anne doing something like that?
The ultimate questions, the ones distilled from a thousand others,
were so obvious as to be frightening.
BATSHEVA: Does writing about vampires drive you insane and over-dramatic, or does being insane and over-dramatic lead one to write about vampires?
JACOB: Where's a good editor when you need one?
BATSHEVA: I'm sorry, there are few editors with the sort of experience needed to deal with Ms. Rice. Experience like active duty in Mosul.
What does it feel like to be Jesus?
BATSHEVA: Probably very squishy.
What did it feel like to be God and Man as a child?...
JACOB: Being capable of starting a sandstorm when you have a temper tantrum?
In all my career, I don't think I've ever faced such a daunting task.
BATSHEVA: It was aided by liberal amounts of whiskey.
And there were moments when I came near to giving up. I prayed. I asked
for guidance.
JACOB [as Anne Rice]: God, I need some help.
BATSHEVA [in 'God' voice]: Anne, back away from the computer slowly.
I scrapped hundreds of pages.
JACOB [as Anne]: That bit about Jesus dropping out of society to surf the world is just not in character.
BATSHEVA [as Anne]: Suggesting that Jesus dated Akasha is a bit much.
At moments, I was on the verge of accepting that perhaps I couldn't do what had to be done here...
JACOB: Write a good book?
I'm not a priest. I can't be one.
JACOB: That's because you're in the wrong denomination.
BATSHEVA: No, no, let us praise the Holy One that she is not a priest.
JACOB [as Anne]: I will not cut up my painstakingly written sermons just because my parishioners are 'bored' and 'falling asleep.' You interrogate my work from the wrong perspective.
I'll never be able to go to the altar of the Lord and say the words of consecration at Mass, "This is my body. This is my blood."
JACOB: Shall I make the vampire joke or will you?
BATSHEVA: We'll hold off that until the sequel, when Jesus meets Lestat.
No, I can't work that magnificient Eucharistic miracle.
BATSHEVA: I can, however, turn beer into piss.
But in humility, I have attempted something
transformative which we writers dare to call a miracle in the
imperfect human idiom we possess.
JACOB: How can she use the word 'humble' when she has no idea what that is?
It's to bring Him here in the form
of a story, and that story is Christ the Lord.
JACOB: Matthew, Luke, John and Mark? Fuck 'em.
BATSHEVA: She has plans for a trilogy. Moses in his own words, and then, Mohammad in his own words. Let's offend all the Abrahamic religions!
Sincerely,
Anne Rice