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<u>You Know You Read Too Much Slash When (Part 2):</u>
You start to worry about the future of the human race - and then you remember MPREG, so that's all right. (Leni Jess)
You know you *read* too much when you can't find time to *write* it any more. (Leni Jess)
You wonder if JKR realised what she was starting when in OotP she
(a) had Sirius and Remus living alone together in the Black family's house, and (b) had them send a combined present to Harry (even though she's made it clear that Remus is unemployed and broke). (Leni Jess)
You need to check your own HP database and the HP Lexicon to make
sure you haven't allowed your own slashfics to be contaminated by
ideas that JKR wasn't responsible for. That's if you care about
staying in canon, any way. (Leni Jess)
You don't care about the fact that you have work tommorow and spend all night reading Telanu's A Wizard's Song which is the next in her tea series (it's was worth it ^_^ ). (Acyla)
When someone posts a link to a "marvelous fanfic" the only thing
that you can remember thinking after reading it is "Harry and Ginny will never happen". (Acyla)
You even read what is considered to be "squicky" in your opinion
although it just takes a bit longer. (Acyla)
You see a display for Snapple drinks and your slashy brain sees it as Snaples and you immediately wonder if the lastest chapter of her Snape/Harry WIP is up. (DementorDelta)
You've had serious discussions with your gay friends on the erotic merits of various gay porno movies and yet you're too shy to ask if they've actually done any of that stuff. (DementorDelta)
You've positioned naked Ken dolls together so you could get a sense of where everyone's body parts are during a hot threesome you're writing. (DementorDelta, whose husband still has flashbacks about finding that out!)
You dream that your husband and Snape are fighting over you and they wind up fucking and it's SOOOOOO hot that you don't mind not having sex with them...(~~Minnie)
You always keep another file open that you can maximize on your screen at work to hide the slash fic you were just reading before the boss walked in. (Ruhgozler)
You convince your boss to buy 19” monitors, so that you can have a maximized window opened in the background and read slash on a small window, which is easily covered by your body, when he approaches from behind. (The Goblet)
You are convinced that Madam Hooch’s first name is Xiomara (or, like me, can’t remember her real first name and Xiomara will do). (The Goblet)
You find yourself whispering “Alohomora” to locked doors, and then fumbling around for your key when you realize that you need a *wand* for that. (The Goblet)
Your parents think that “Accio” is the new “cool” word for “please pass the” (The Goblet)
You *really* want a racing broom (The Goblet).
You change the properties of your fan fiction folder to “hidden” – just in case your brother gets his hands on your Memory Key. (The Goblet)
You have to stop yourself from asking your brother if taking both Harry & Draco up the arse (at the same time) would be physically possible. (The Goblet)
You know *way* too much about stimulating the prostate than a person of your experience/nature/orientation should know. (The Goblet)
You used to *hate* receiving fics in emails (‘cause it filled up your inbox), and now you love it, ‘cause the web log won’t show that you’ve been to your favorite slash site (especially at school/uni/work where these things are monitored carefully). (The Goblet)
You go and buy a new wardrobe just so that you look like your fem!Snape at all times (outside of work) (it doesn’t matter that your hair is curly – it’s too much trouble to straighten anyway). (The Goblet)
You get really excited when your inbox is full, when it was empty not 2 hours ago – until you realize that a slash genius has crossposted to all your lists. (The Goblet)
You try to convince your biology teacher/lecturer/student buddy that Mpreg isCOMPlETELY possible. (The Goblet)
When you make 'Draco Loves Harry' t-shirts for the OotP book release. (FerretMalfoy)
When you explain to small children (5-10 years) at the OotP book release why Harry is gay. (FerretMalfoy)
You've successfully convinced your eight year old brother that Harry and Draco are boyfriends. (FerretMalfoy)
You've seriously considered a sex-change operation so that you can be a gay boy too! (FerretMalfoy)
You always seem to fall for the gay boys at school. (FerretMalfoy)
You pester your student-teacher in Drama class because you're trying to convince him that he's gay and needs to come out of the closet. <Sorry about that, Mr. Cole!!> (FerretMalfoy)
You arrange the Hallmark Kiss-Kiss Bears to have same-sex snogs. (FerretMalfoy)
You do all free-topic papers and projects on homosexuality <A's on all of 'em!!!> (FerretMalfoy)
You're envious of your friend because he has TWO dads. (FerretMalfoy)
When you get bored at Chess Club meetings, you pretend that the King is Harry and the Queen is Draco and you make them have sex whilst the other club members watch in morbid fascination. (FerretMalfoy)
You call things and people 'gay' as a compliment. (FerretMalfoy)
At school, when the internet filter blocks your favorite slash sites, you curse at it in the middle of class, and get detention for it <at my school, we have laptops that we use during class>. (FerretMalfoy)
You stare into space thinking of the PWP you're going to write.(Wolf Lupin)
You smack your forehead in public saying, "I wish I had some paper and a pen."(Wolf Lupin)
-You have NC-17 rated slash dreams.(Wolf Lupin)
You constantly try to explain to your friends why you like Snape.
(Wolf Lupin)
You spend all your free time on the fanfiction sites looking to see if your fav stories were updated since the last time you checked. (Wolf Lupin)
You spend hours re-reading your fave slash stories, forgetting to eat or sleep.(Wolf Lupin)
You are constantly seen at work writing on a piece of paper, and
when asked what you're doing, say your writing a new PWP. (Wolf Lupin)
You ask your jujutsu sparring partner if he got all those muscles from playing Quidditch, and wonder why he's looking at you like you're speaking in parseltongue... (Rosie)
You use the terms `AU', `OCC', `non-con' and `OT' in an
argument with your mum about whose turn it is to take the
garbage out. (Rosie)
You want to write your honours thesis on `Why it is always three
fingers?' and not on soybeans... (Rosie)
You want to write your honours thesis on `Homoeroticism and
foolish wand waving' and not on soybeans... (Rosie)
You wrote your honours thesis on soybeans, but it pretty much
sucked because you did all your research on fanfiction.net.
(Rosie)
You use your own sexual exploits as the basis for sex scenes in your various stories and your husband (if you're female) thinks you're funny when you want to know about 'What does it feel like when you cum? I mean, what does it *really* feel like?" (Egyptia)
You're watching tv or a movie, to get your mind off writing, and something on screen spawns a dozen plotbunnies or inspires mental images that could only be expessed in terms of slashiness. i.e.: you end up slashing the tiniest things in the show/movie even when no one else sees the slash. (Egyptia)
When you have to turn in a very important report before you can start your apprenticeship, and after not doing anything about it for six months, you finally start your apprenticeship on an unofficial basis claiming you couldn't turn in the dratted thing because a computer virus wiped it out. The truth being you were too busy reading HP slash. Seriously. (Rane) *hangs head in shame*
You wake up very early and your very first thought before your wits have actually managed to shake themselves awake is an image of Snape berating someone (probably Harry). You get up and dress and your wits perk up, starting to think of ways Remus could deadpan Snape into laughing. By breakfast Snape has found some incredibly snarky reply to that but just as you drink your apple-juice you decide maybe it's more of a Harry/Snape day after all. Just as you decide maybe it's time to do some work, you think, no, check e-mail first. And every HP group you're a member of. And after reading for about one or two hours, you decide you really feel like reading a good long HP fic. You're going to start working at noon. Really. You finish the story
at two in the afternoon. Of course, you haven't eaten yet,
considering you couldn't pry yourself away from the computer long
enough to get anything. So it's only reasonable that while you eat, you re-read some other interesting HP story (after all, you simply have to take the time to eat anyway, right?). You finish around four pm. Of course, you're supposed to be doing this and this housework, and really, you have to start dinner at five, so there's really not much point in starting to work. While peeling the potatoes, you try to figure out that plot-point you couldn't resolve in one of your fics. You mentally curse your mother when she comes in and actually addresses you, thus intruding on your line of thought and unfortunately introducing real life into your cosy little world. You shove it away forcibly and start dinner. By the time you're eating, you've given up on the plot-point (but have managed to raise four other ideas for fics, playing out various scenes in your head) but have mercifully skipped to the sex scene. (Even though food and sex don't really mix in your opinion.) While clearing up and subsequently showering, you're trying to work out those other new ideas that came up into your head. You go to your room and think: now I'm going to start working. Really. After you've read just one little fic. At nine
o'clock, you're thinking, well, now it's really too late to start
working anyway, but you're just going to re-read one tiny little fic and go to bed early so you can get up early the next morning and finally commence working. At 1:30 am, you sink into bed - because you really, really can't keep your eyes open anymore - and start thinking of some really sappy Remus/Snape scenes which you really don't enjoy otherwise but definitely help you get to sleep. Your dreams consist exclusively of weird stories involving HP characters and your teacher shouting at you in a very Snape-like manner because you haven't turned in your work yet. Your alarm goes off at seven and you're exhausted - after all, it's been two weeks since you had a decent night's sleep - but you already have this image of Snape berating Harry in your head and you get up, because you *really*, *really* want to read one more fic before you finally start working. And check your mail. And all HP groups you joined. And maybe also the Restricted Section's howlers and ISF to see if there are any interesting new stories. But you're going to start working at noon. Really. (Rane)
You simply can't write any stories because you're so behind on work in RL, you feel utterly guilty even *thinking* about writing. Luckily, reading doesn't require much thinking. (Rane)
You answer your mother - or anyone else - in English despite the fact that it isn't your mother tongue, because you're reading English fanfiction all day. (Rane)
Every time the word "Seeker" comes up in a in a HP book, you think JKR's talking about the author, *not* Quidditch. (Rane)
You postpone any and all suicide plans because you really, really
want to read books 6 and 7 first to find out what the hell is up with Snape. (Rane)
When someone tells you that yes, they have OoP at home, but they
haven't finished the book yet because it has too many pages, you're convinced they've lost every single one of their marbles and you have to violently suppress the urge to shout: "Are you *completely* insane?!" (Rane)
You're completely flabbergasted and at a loss for words when you
actually get to talk to someone who doesn't live in your house. (Rane)
The weather's bad. I'm staying in. Oh, look, the sun… well, I burn very quickly, so I'd better be staying in. (Rane)
(With a very puzzled expression) It was raining today? Really? (While your computer stands right in front of a window and you've been sitting behind it all day…) (Rane)
It took you two months to figure out RL *didn't* stand for Remus
Lupin. (Rane)
You read NC-17 stories at a public computer at your uni knowing it is quite possible someone you know might come over and say hello - and that they would probably never talk to you again if they saw what you were reading. And then you figure that that would just give you more time to actually read. (Rane)
When you notice people around you really aren't into Harry Potter
(and would probably suffer cardiac arrest at the mention of slash - especially if in one sentence with Harry Potter), you feel like you're the only sensible human being in a world run over by aliens. (Rane)
You curse loudly when a quiz tells you you're only 52 % obsessed with Harry Potter, and shudder to think what it would be like to be 100 % obsessed. Then, you realise they may have left out a few small and insignificant questions. Like how many hours a day do you spend doing things relating to Harry Potter. (Rane)
You suddenly realise your reactions to HP slash are remarkably like the reactions of a junkie towards drugs. Oops. You're going to stop reading. Tomorrow. (Rane)
You skip the sex scene because you've read so many they've become
boring. Still doesn't stop you from only reading NC-17 and R-rated fics, though. (Rane)
You've finally run out of NC-17 and R-rated slash stories to read and
decide you may just maybe very reluctantly if you don't have any
other choice give PG-13 stories a try. (Rane)
You're really not sure what kind of person irks you most in the
world. The kind that insists they hate Snape, or the kind that
insists Snape is really a very nice guy. (Rane)
When you smile dreamily watching "Ice Age" and the scene with two rhinos and dandelion (Lelah Angel)
When you are late for work because you have to see just what's new on you favourite slash sites (Lelah Angel)
When you make your husband watch gay porn with you (the more the merrier) and then explain to him, in detail, why do you find the slash fiction more satisfactory (Lelah Angel)
When you laugh in quite inappropriate places during the movies, because you remembered something from the fic you read, and then you have trouble explaining to your friends (Lelah Angel)
When the worst fear you have is that the media you use to transfer your slash fics would break somehow and you'd lose them (Lelah Angel)
You abbreviate your words and use author terminology(AU,WIP,PWP)in conversations with friends.(Wolf Lupin)
And become annoyed when they ask you to repeat yourself.(Wolf Lupin)
Many, many times.(Wolf Lupin)
You managed to convert a het reader to slash.(Wolf Lupin)
You point out slashy undertones that no one would understand.(Wolf Lupin)
You hate it when people think you're insane because you think that it's perfectly normal for Harry and Snape to snog.(Wolf Lupin)
You read chanslash when you've never read it before because you've read every single R/NC-17 HP/SS.(Wolf Lupin)
You attempt to read the new chapter for a favorite story when you're talking on the phone.(Wolf Lupin)
You have to check your e-mail every hour because of all the HP slash groups you recieve mail from.(Wolf Lupin)
You start to rant about how Harry and Snape are made for each other when someone starts to talk about how they hated Harry and
Cho 'breaking up.'(Wolf Lupin)
You can ace quizzes and trivia about Harry, Snape, and Draco, yet you don't know anything about Harry's closest friends from Gryffindor. (Wolf Lupin)
-You are offended when you're told you're acting like a Gryffindor. (Wolf Lupin)
Or any house that you hate.(Wolf Lupin)
When that voice nattering on in the back of your head commenting on everything you do starts to sound suspiciously like Snape. (Rane)
When you're thinking "damn, this is making me hard" when you get a particularly juicy fic on your screen. Being a woman, that is. (Rane)
When you feel compelled to read a HP/SS story after you've read a
SS/RL story because you're convinced Harry's going to get jealous
otherwise. (Rane)
The mere idea that JKR might actually get Harry and Ginny (or Harry and Cho) together gives you a vaguely queasy feeling, and the urge to yell "Not canon! Please don't make it canon!" (Erin)
You follow no less than 36 livejournals, all of them slash-related, and keep them in a Favorites folder because you can't add them to your friends list or your "normal" friends would be squicked. (Erin)
You see a customer at your work who looks EXACTLY how you've always pictured Lucius Malfoy, so you have to take your 10 minute break to write down your new plot bunnies and you have even more fodder for fics. (Darth Katzchen)
Every time you get a gally book (advanced reading copy) from your work, you just KNOW you can make the plot into an slash fic. (Darth Katzchen)
You read one of these lists and find yourself nodding along to
virtually every single example. (Darth Katzchen)
You can add some of the examples. (Darth Katzchen)
Repeatedly. (Darth Katzchen)
You find yourself in a very serious conversation at work, discussing the finer points of slash and you manage to convert a Draco/Ginny shipper *shudder* to the joys of Sirius/Harry, Severus/Draco and incest fics. (Darth Katzchen)
You manage to convince a hetersexual male co-worker that no, you're not a freak and yes, Harry and Draco ARE doing it. So neener. (Darth Katzchen)
You turned your co-workers (two of 'em!) on to Star Wars slash after you point out all the "proof". (Darth Katzchen)
You really want to defer your next semester of uni because you didn't get to read enough slash over you two week vacation to last for the next four months. (The Goblet)
You want to transfer to a uni in the northern hemisphere just so you have until September to read more slash. (The Goblet)
You take to keeping all your fics on a memory key, and keep your
memory key in your pocket at all times - just in case you get a chance to read fan fics at an abandoned computer, or so you can share fan fic stories with your friends if you meet them in the street. (The Goblet)
After being dragged along to the Gold Coast for a girls only weekend, you drag out your laptop (and hidden memory key) and read fan fiction in the dark, in the kitchen until 3am in the morning, because you *really* want to know how Sirius takes the news. (The Goblet)
You have taken to coming in 2 hours early to work because *they* have ADSL connection, and you can download fics faster and easier. (The Goblet)
You took the time print out all of the Mirror of Maybe (even though it's a WIP), and bound it with a subject outline as a front cover, so you could "study" on the bus/train/dinner table without being interupted. (The Goblet)
You read a terribly sad fan fic and you immediately call your best friend so that she can comfort you - 'cause your mum'll never understand that Harry lost the baby. (The Goblet)
You've been banned from the local library from laughing too loudly while checking your email. (The Goblet)
You give up a night on the town (or insert other socially acceptable activity here) because (insert fav author here) has promised to update tonight, and you want to be the first to read it. (The Goblet)
You start refering to he-who-must-not-be-named and followers as
Voldie and the Death Eaters, to your eight year old cousins. (The Goblet)
You rejoice that Jean died in X-men 2 - leaving Scott and Logan to be together. (The Goblet)
You start giving your gay friends sex advice (and you're female). (The Goblet)
You have a heated discussion with your gay friends that topping is better (and you're female). (The Goblet)
You tell all your friends that watching two guys kiss is probably the most arousing thing in your life. (selene)
You wonder if having a tongue ring would make a blowjob even better. (selene)
You've convinced most of your friends to read HP fanfiction and that even if they're still on het pairings, slash rules. (selene)
You tend to look over your shoulder, to check if anyone's watching you when you're reading your mail in the library. (selene)
Instead of doing the latest lesson in Comp. class, you go to slash fanficiton sites and read the stories - telling your teacher that the seatwork was too complicated to understand. (selene)
You can't wait to get home from home or school or whatever place you went to because you haven't finished reading the latest story you just downloaded from the Net. (selene)
You refuse to go out with your family when they want to have dinner out, even if they're eating at your favorite restaurant, just so you can read all the slash you want without being bugged by your sibs or parents.(selene)
You don't mind the fact that your bum falls asleep because you've been reading slash and sitting in the same chair for the past 7 hours. (selene)
You forego taking a bath or a shower, saying you'll do it tomorrow, when you read that Draco tells Harry he's in love with him. (selene)
You don't leave your computer to have dinner, even when your stomach is grumbling so loudly it could be mistaken for an ambulance siren, since Harry has just told Severus how he feels about him and you want to know what the reaction is. (selene)
Your hand can copy and paste without you even telling it to, a fact that's quite scary when you don't actually have a mouse in its hand. (selene)
You wonder if your favorite character would ever consider a cockring. (selene)
Yahoo is forever telling you to get a bigger mailbox. (selene)
You can't go to sleep at night without finding out what happened to Lucius and Harry. (selene)
You read any of the Harry Potter books and you see sexual innuendo on every page...more like every sentence. (selene)
You hate Cho with all your guts and cheered when Harry and she broke up, or never got together. (selene)
You start listing the names a Potter-Malfoy child may have. (selene)
You start listing all the names a Potter-Snape child may have. (selene)
You are in too many slash groups to count and everytime a new group is formed, you immediately join. (selene)
You are so pysched when you discover new slash sites because it seems you've been to every single one. (selene)
You cry when Harry and Snape do not end up together - i.e. Pride and Prejudice; Diamonds in the Dust. (selene)
You start daydreaming about Harry and Draco instead of the latest millionaire fantasy you've created. (selene)
You spend 3 hours at the back of the largest book exchange in town, looking through the erotica books, and being disappointed, because it was all het.
You're the teensiest bit <i>glad</i> to be sick, because it means your family will go out to eat without you-- leaving you with the computer for at least three hours! (Erin)
You see a child reading one of the Harry Potter books and you are vaguely horrifed that someone that young is reading such a classic of homo-erotic literature, and really, don't their parents *get* the subtext? (DementorDelta)