Bitterness Barbie (she ain't smiling)

Oy.

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 15:49:27 GMT

Sometimes I wish I were more of a shit-stirrer by nature. Because I am so itching to strap my bitch on here.

But there's just something so pathetic and pitiful about that post, and I just... upon reflection, really can't be bothered to make the effort.

Still. WTF DUDE. NO ONE CARES.

EDIT: ...and deleted. For anyone who might be curious:

REALLY off-topic, delete if you want :)

Hi guys,

I have been accepted to University College London for next year!!!! Yay! I gotta think up some way of getting money, the tuition fees are unbelievable....
So..I don`t know what to think now. I am so excited! But I`m not coming home until I meet them! You hear?

i wonder what my odds are....:)

and sorry for the off-topicity, i will delete this immediately if requested.

Posted in a Life on Mars fan community. I say again, whut?

For the record. For whatever the record is worth.

Sat, 31 May 2008 21:50:09 GMT

I agree with t_boy here.

I don't know if that matters, or anyone cares, but I'm curious whether most people don't. Agree with him, I mean. And as another Fandom Wank Muslim (we should have a list! and our own tired old in-joke!), I wonder if somehow neither of us got the memo that Islamist is the same as Muslim. Hell, I used to get pissed off when people said Islamist because that's not the correct term, until I picked up on the implied distinction. (And it totally makes sense! Muslim are followers of Islam, Islamists use Islam. One's about God and one's about politics.)

So there. If he's wrong, we're both wrong.

EDIT: Okay, so I finished actually reading the thread (I, um, thought it ended with the ealusaid exchange? and didn't notice all the other comments?) and I'm not quite sure what I'm agreeing with him about anymore. I thought the disagreement was over whether Islamist is a slur against all Muslims? And I don't think it is. THERE, I'VE SAID IT.

it's hard being me. shut up.

The horse ain't beaded, it's fucking macramed.

Tue, 13 May 2008 19:40:30 GMT

Along with screening macros, I want to start deleting any and all threads like this one. NO MERCY.

BECAUSE NOBODY FUCKING CARES.

Statuary weeps.

Mon, 10 Mar 2008 14:43:49 GMT

Oh, staroverthebay. She was so mildly inoffensive for so long! AND THEN THE CAGE CAME DOWN.

Icon meme... thingy.

Tue, 23 Oct 2007 14:03:08 GMT

You know what it is. I'm not explaining. I should be writing a paper right now and I'm not, and that makes me cranky.

From ashenmote:

This one's from my big list of dubious Arabic-to-English translations. I don't know why, I just love the way it ended up looking. Probably the only time I've ever deliberately deployed the Comic Sans font.

Who is she? Lexa Doig, notably (to me) from Andromeda, also married to Michael Shanks and had an exceedingly minor recurring role in the last two seasons of SG-1. She's crazy hot and was also the person who explained furries to Christopher Judge. This shot is actually from a photo shoot done by Judge. More caps and a link to the YouTube video.

Is that from a countess wank maybe? Nah, it's from "Barrett's Privateers" by Stan Rogers-- "A letter of marque came from the king," etc. I can explain exactly what made me think of the idea: snacky commented on some wank or another in epistolary format, and I went, "Hey, it's a letter of wank!" I didn't say the explanation would be interesting.

I actually have no idea what the context is for the quote; it just made me laugh. From here.

Rob Morrow as Don Eppes from Numb3rs. He just looks really hot in that photo, and his expression is excessively un-Don-like. I actually don't really like the icon that much, but I haven't thought of a better caption. And it's not even true, because Don does grasp math, even if he's not the Official Math Genius of the family. So I don't even know why I use it. This question shames me.

Image from Doctor Who, quote from Black Books. I like using BB quotes on caps from unrelated shows. It's a thing. Here, I do it again with SG1.

A verbatim exchange from Murphy's Law, solely because it cracked me up. It wasn't originally an animated icon, but the joke just doesn't work as well without the setup. Also, James Nesbitt's weirdly, incredibly hot, but that's due in large part to his voice, at least to me. Before I saw the actual episode, I saw the scene here (starts at 0:32), which goes a long way towards explaining the vast appeal of Nesbitt as Murphy.

From mindset (redundancies omitted, see above):

A clip from Due South, wherein Callum Keith Rennie gets rather... expressive with his hands, looped to humorous effect. Wank, Ray, wank! My dear friend Anna made this with absolutely no encouragement from me, and of course I promptly stole the fruits of her labor and ran off with it.

All I remember about this one is 1) the original comment was a typo of "DEEP HURTING" (MST3K!) and 2) the original commenter, whoever the hell it was, is highly entertained by the fact that I'm still using it. Also, Bambi's mother dies. How d'you like THAT?

An Andromeda reference, specifically to Viridian5's in-depth (and rather pained) recaps of the show. In mid-2nd season, the original creator left the series over "creative differences" with Kevin Sorbo, who apparently wanted to be a Big Space Hero and sleep with more chicks; the plotlines subsequently went from semi-intelligent to confusing to merely horrendously bad. In the 3rd season opener, which was bizarre to begin with, Pod Person Beka randomly presents Sorbo's character with a kitten-- random because 1) they're in space and 2) cats are supposedly extinct. The kitten is never explained, and crops up every once in a while in subsequent episodes. V dubbed it the Inexplicable Kitten of Doom. Later it becomes the Inexplicable Cat of Doom-- twice the doom and no more explicable!

I can explain more, if you guys want! Or demand elucidation in turn! Hit me.

Feel free to do your job. You know, if you really want to.

Mon, 01 Oct 2007 14:19:51 GMT

Hello, stupidity!

I did read that, but I didn't realise it was a community solicitation. I apologise and ask that you delete this post if I did do it wrong.

Here's a couple ideas:

1) ASK FIRST.

2) DELETE YOUR OWN DAMN SELF.

Gah.

Woe! Thwarted!

Tue, 18 Sep 2007 15:41:12 GMT

How is it possible that nobody has a Tom Servo doll for sale? Or, rather: no one has a Servo doll for under 200 freakin' bucks?

I totally want a stuffed Servo, y'all. Is there someplace I could, like, commission one? For perhaps a price that would remain in the double digits?

Teal deer roundup

Tue, 11 Sep 2007 23:49:45 GMT

Thoughts inspired by recent wank reports, as I have the good grace not to post them in the reports themselves ~~except for that one time I totally did~~, and therefore feel I deserve a medal of some kind.

I was pointed to the original post pre-reportage by someone on my flist, and I gotta stand by her complaint: chicks, fine; new semi-regular characters, whatever; but who the hell goes hunting in a belly-baring T-shirt and low-rise jeans? I mean, I was pretty meh about Jo, but at least she dressed like a hunter. And she wasn't even hunting! I wanna see chicks in plaid flannel shirts, dammit! Not that I have a fetish or anything.

Chad Michael fucking Murray, no thanks. But, uh, what's Reed Diamond up to these days? I'm just saying, Mike Kellerman would've made one hell of a hunter.

It was REALLY REALLY HARD not to jump in with a defense of the present tense. I am a good wanka. I do not troll the wank. I need a daily affirmation or something.

Yeah, the poor present tense is horribly abused in fic; so's every-fucking-thing else, to one extent or another. There are good reasons to use the present tense in writing fiction. It creates a sense of immediacy, and can be especially effective when you're writing a story that takes place in, say, a single scene, or a short period of time. It suggests the characters aren't telling the story in retrospect, but rather as it happens, and thus, hey, anything could happen! It can be used for structural reasons, like when there's a story happening in two different time periods: past tense for the then, present tense for the now.

I write mostly in past tense myself, because it's what I'm used to, but every so often, I start writing something that just feels right in present tense. Sometimes you just gotta go with your instincts.

My thoughts on writing. I have shown you them.

Yes, but are they any good?

Fri, 07 Sep 2007 11:18:03 GMT

Bandom makes my inner music snob cry bitter, bitter tears.

Also, Nirvana totally did stagegay first. Except for whoever did stagegay before Nirvana. They did it first too.

Meme time!

Fri, 17 Aug 2007 21:24:09 GMT

Dude, I don't think I've ever done one of these here. Prepare to learn about me, ye unwashed masses!

snacky asked me five questions:

1) What is your favorite online game and why?

For the longest time it was Boggle at games.com, because I like word games and I like competing against other people, and anything more complicated and/or action-packed just gives me undue stress. Minimal time investment, and the illusion of improving my mental faculties while playing!

And then the Boggle went away and I was sad, and now I play Bejeweled, which is a) a gigantic time-suck and b) far less educational. Unless I'm ever called upon to shift brightly-colored objects into pleasing patterns. I can only hope that one day the fate of the world will depend on it.

2) How long have you been in fandom? Has it taught you any important life lessons?

Since 1997. Which is, holy fuck, ten years now, HELP. My dad got a new computer with a 28.8k modem (!!!!) about the same time I started watching Buffy, and it was all downhill from there.

Important life lessons? ~~The internet is for porn~~ Most things just aren't worth the energy. The drama, the arguments, the wank, none of it. I did my time as a flame-happy 14-year-old, and it was exhausting. Much better to point and laugh from the sidelines, then go have a nice cup of tea.

Also, it's taught me I have an obsessive personality and absolutely no willpower, but that's less empowering.

3) As a fandom_wank mod, do you abuse your power in any way (like, Apo screens macros, I screen "first comment" comments, that kind of thing)? Would you like to? ;-)

I don't! I'd feel too guilty, I think. Maybe I should work on that. First on my hitlist is everyone who posts "DUDE I CAN'T ACCESS THE COMMENT PAGES! JF IS BUSY! WHAT UP?" Refresh, you fuckers, it's not that hard.

4) What's the one thing you own that works so well that you would recommend everyone purchase it?

Eep. That's hard. Most of my toys break. It's just tough love, I swear.

Well, my favorite toy is a little device thingy that hooks up my laptop to the TV, so I can watch video files on the big(ger) screen and also record them to VHS if I so desire. For which I am soundly mocked, as I am, apparently, the only person in the history of EVER who downloads watchable goodies and then commits them to VHS tapes. I embrace my obsolescence!

5) Do you like swimming in oceans, lakes or pools?

Oceans are the best. I love swimming in general, but water's kinda boring when it just sits there. At the ocean, the water fights back. Pools are second; lakes just make me feel dirty. And not in a fun way.

If anyone comments, I may ask you questions in return. Then again, I may forget all about it. I make no promises (just helpful suggestions).

AHAHAHAHA.

Tue, 14 Aug 2007 00:12:44 GMT

So stupid it's fucking brilliant.

What would be the more amusing course of action: to suspend her JF, or to say "~~tits~~ proof of age or gtfo"?

Big cum load!

Fri, 13 Jul 2007 01:51:47 GMT

This just might be my favorite anon comment ever. It is so full of fail in so very many different ways!

The saddest part? No one ever actually explained the whole LJ /= JF thing to her. Woe.

Oh lord.

Thu, 31 May 2007 21:46:27 GMT

Please, please somebody stop me from wanking up a storm in my and/or someone else's LJ ~~any more than I already have~~.

'Cause talking about "the fragility of fandom's place in the wider world of the internets" makes me want to LET SLIP THE DOGS OF BITCHSLAP.

Jesus fuck, people. As shocking as it may seem, fandom existed before LJ. Hell, fandom existed before the internet, even! Shocking, I know! And if-- IF-- by some tiny infinitesimal chance, fandom as a whole gets booted from LJ? FANDOM WILL NOT WITHER AND DIE. We'll find some new space to colonize and commence spreading like a fungal infection.

Maybe that's what's been bugging me about this whole shitstorm. I have very little patience for premature, uninformed doomsaying. Like, for example, declaring that bringing in Amanda Tapping is going to RUIN SGA FOREVER AND EVER before season 4 has even aired anywhere in the world, but that's a whole 'nother can of worms right there.

Dude, I love LJ because it's easy (heh) and centralized. But it is not the be-all/end-all of fandom. I've seen people going on about how they're so disappointed by LJ, feel so outraged and betrayed, and these are the people who apparently had a much higher opinion of the folks in charge than I ever did. LJ is not your girlfriend who braids your hair at sleepovers and pinky-swears with you on "chicks before dicks!" They do dumb-ass shit. Expect them to do dumb-ass shit. All you folks moaning on about how LJ has broken your trust and whatnot? I humbly suggest you just be grateful that they actually took the trouble to admit and correct their mistake, then move on with your lives.

...thank God I didn't write any of this in my actual LJ. That could've ended badly!

sigh.

Tales of the IP!

Tue, 15 May 2007 02:25:39 GMT

(Subtitled: Yet More Random Tales of Wanks Past)

I continue to be LEET IP DETECTIVE!

Er, three years after the fact.

Does anyone remember this antiyaoi wank where... someone liked yaoi, and some other people didn't, and some people got sad about it? And then some fuckwit anon, "sal," came along and started talking about how the OP cuts herself?

Then this happened. Same IP address (172.201.231.43). Same fuckwit anon. I am so confused.

I suspect that if the post hadn't been f-locked, s/h/it would've ended up having a flamewar with s/h/itself. Which would've been awesome.

SPN wank on the horizon!

Mon, 14 May 2007 02:45:04 GMT

(Note how I'm not posting this on clairvoyantwank, because I have no actual threads to link to at this time! LEARN FROM MY EXAMPLE, MUPPETS.)

So apparently some skeevy things went down at... some SPN con or other? Wherein one fangirl, like, physically launched herself at Jensen and had to be pried off, and another asked pointed Wincest-related questions at the Q&A?

yeeeeeeeah. CRACK A WINDOW, FANDOM.

Heads up, wank up. And this, this is why I will never, ever go to another actor-attended con in my life if I can help it. The one where icky fanboy requested, nay, demanded full-body contact from Hudson Leick was bad enough. Crazy fans + object of mass adoration = me hiding in a corner rocking back and forth in abject shame-by-association.

EDIT: WTF, chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream? Where you hiding the cookie dough?

Public Service Announcement (with guitars!)

Mon, 07 May 2007 03:50:13 GMT

One more reason, as if we needed it, why community_care is a tool:

From this wank, she goes back to the OP, posts an exceedingly stupid question, and then blames the Hive Vagina. And gets snotty about it.

Not exactly trolling? But close enough to the line that I wish I could hop back in time and mod-punch her ass.

(If this is already common knowledge, ~~blow me~~ mea culpa. I am damned proud of my ~~poking FW memories because I'm bored as hell~~ detective skills.)

The wank gods hath forsaken me.

Sun, 29 Apr 2007 00:12:27 GMT

::prods FW memories::

Dude, have there really never been any Oz or Rescue Me wanks? What up with that?

Defending the wankers is the new mocking the wankers.

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 06:31:29 GMT

STFU, Jenni.

Nail in the coffin?

Wed, 14 Mar 2007 21:07:01 GMT

Subtitled: Ahahaha, TWoP.

Sub-subtitled: "I found myself starting to post this in the comments, bitchslapped myself, and retreated back to my own JF in shame ~~and minor arousal~~."

(Sub-sub-subtitled: "I have a big-ass bandaid on my middle finger, so typing's gonna be a bitch and a half.")

So, TWoP. What up? You know how indie kids are always all, "Oh woe, my favorite band is popular, so they suck now!" and we mock and laugh at them for it? I totally feel that way about TWoP, which means I have to mock and laugh at myself, which is maybe not as new an experience as you might think. But I have logic! Sort of! Because, Way Back In The Day (damnkidsgetoffmylawn), TWoP was this small thing that was, like, property of the internet. Maybe I'm weird, but I get all twitchy when the real world starts creeping into my online experience. Like, when TWoP started getting actual print news coverage, that's my cue to back away slowly. Also-- well, I don't know, maybe they were all stuffed up each other's asses back then too, but the rampaging superiority complexes (complexii? complectes?) were less obvious. And most importantly? They used to be funny.

Now they're Real World Famous, they're corporate or summat, they're clearly raging self-righteous dicks, and they are not funny. I used to collect crack-my-shit-up quotes from the various recaps. (In fact, they're right over here, complete with my "squee!twop!" fangirl header.) Now they're just... I don't know what the hell they're doing, but when I've stopped laughing and started rolling my eyes and making loud, exasperated sounds, the Magic is Gone.

The comment that got me almost-tl;dr-ing over at CW: "Thank goodness. Because 'The West Wing' is no longer in production and therefore I no longer frequent TWOP. If 'In Justice' or '3lbs' had been picked up, I might have been in trouble."

They cover a lot of my favorite shows. (Not all, granted, and once upon a time I would've cried over the lack of NCIS recaps, but now I consider it a blessing.) That's kind of the problem. Their recaps sap all the fucking joy out of the shows. Not because the recappers are OMGMEEN, but because they just suck.

Off the top'a my head:

Farscape: OH MY GOD JACOB SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Doctor Who: See above. How the hell did this humorless twat end up in charge of my favorite cracked-out sci-fi shows? (And what the hell is someone who hates Terry Pratchett doing recapping DW in the first place?)

House: Is Sara M. still doing the recaps? I vaguely remember her being booted. Whoever's doing them now, they're not outright offensive to my delicate sensibilities, just... unmemorable, I guess. With a show that gives such great fodder for snark, you'd think they'd do better. Also, "Cottages" kinda sets my teeth on edge, because it's non-intuitive (took me about five minutes of "whaaa?" to get the reference, but maybe I'm just dumb like that) and because Sara M. obviously started calling 'em Cottages because it was someone else on the forums who came up with "Ducklings," not an Almighty Recapper, and that just wouldn't do (or maybe I'm just paranoid and crotchety like that).

Supernatural: Oh, Demian, Demian, Demian. We really, really don't care about your flaming gay-as-fuck pet demon Raoul. And your virulent, kneejerk hatred of all things heterosexual is really starting (starting?) to grate. And that's as far as I'm willing to go on that subject without descending knee-deep into the splooge.

Veronica Mars: Couch Baron's one of the most tolerable of the lot, but having Rob Thomas's tongue wedged so firmly up his ass is really starting to sour me on the show in general, and especially the recaps-- how many "shoutout!"s can you take, really? Especially when there's a good chance at least half of them really are shoutouts. Urgh. Even typing the word is enough to give me hives now.

Dude. Guys. YOU USED TO BE FUNNY. Now you're just a) meanspirited (which is FINE, don't get me wrong, as long as you're also FUNNY, which you're NOT), b) fawning, c) unamusingly random (to accomplish amusingly random, learn from the fine example of djb), d) pompous and long-winded (yes, Jacob, I am LOOKING AT YOU), e) totally and completely missing the point (see: Demian's latest SPN recap, some House recaps that I'm sure m_butterfly could gladly point out), or f) some tragic and bloody combination of the above.

Yeah, being purchased by Bravo ain't gonna kill the site. For all practical purposes (i.e., as far as I'M concerned, which is clearly all that matters), it's already a lumbering corpse.

GIP!

Mon, 05 Mar 2007 21:27:53 GMT

I have absolutely no idea what prompted this icon, but it amuses me.

"Judge, judge, bitch."

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 15:13:50 GMT

OH MY GOD PEOPLE SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT YOUR GODDAMN MORAL SUPERIORITY.

Don't make me have to shiv a bitch. 'Cause I just now learned that I can do that.

Also, she wants a pony?

Fri, 19 Jan 2007 05:16:21 GMT

Is it just me or, with all the misused and abused commas, does this comment read like a list of FFR mod tags?

And is that the same person who kept misspelling "arc" as "arch"? Yay, a new name for my arbitrary shitlist!

Time for more Random *_W Pet Peeves Of The Day!

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 05:22:16 GMT

When you're responding to a comment, and you find yourself quoting the entire comment in your response: DON'T. We'll manage to figure out what you're responding to, kthx. Aren't threaded comments beautiful that way?

argh.

dude, we get it already.

Mon, 20 Nov 2006 02:21:55 GMT

If mcity never posts another Wii-related wank, I can die happy.

No brain is safe.

Wed, 15 Nov 2006 06:38:29 GMT

I saw a license plate today with the letters FPB.

I swear to God, I nearly cried. Not just because the plate exists, but because I STILL KNOW THAT FUCKER'S FULL NAME.

Why am I wasting such precious braincells on this crap?