TITLE: Hard Cheese
FANDOM: Hot Fuzz
AUTHOR: annlarimer
WORD COUNT: Eleventy-something thousand.
RATING: PG fer the cussin', bloodshed, and shit that blows up
WARNINGS: American spelling; don't try this at home even though I totally want to; slurs against the French.
SUMMARY: "Saxon was all enraged and savaged the ever-lovin' fuck out of the poor cheese."
NOTES: Crit is love.
CREDITS: at the end
DISCLAIMER: I no has Fuzzburger. Is Rogue's Fuzzburger!


Nicholas Angel was vaguely surprised to find that the Swan was not only still standing, but open for business. During his time in hospital, as both patient and spectator, his mental picture of Sandford had somehow developed into one of a large, smoking crater, with decorative ironwork and flowerpots. But the door of the hotel was open, the lights were on, and pop music leaked quietly from somewhere.

He was dressed in a St John Ambulance sweatshirt and a borrowed pair of Cartwright's jeans, cuffed at the bottom. He smelled of hospital. He needed a shower to rid himself of his last shower.

continued at: http://annlarimer.livejournal.com/934389.html

TITLE: Many Hands
FANDOM: Hot Fuzz
AUTHOR: annlarimer
WORD COUNT: 700ish
RATING: PG
WARNINGS: American spelling; gore
SUMMARY: The NWA demonstrate the small-town values of cooperation, mutual support, and local self-sufficiency.
NOTES: Crit is love.
DISCLAIMER: Hot Fuzz belongs to Big Talk and Rogue and, y'know, all them guys.



"There you are," Joyce Cooper chirruped, floofing open a black bin liner. "Many hands make light work!"

"Very true," said Robin Hatcher. "Thank you, Joyce." He bent over Martin Blower's dressing table, bone saw in hand.

She smiled. "You're welcome."

Supervising from the dressing-room doorway, Frank Butterman smiled at his colleagues. Harmony, he thought. Harmony is our watchword.

"Wait," said a voice. ( click to continue )

TITLE: Drabble: The O.C.
FANDOM: Hot Fuzz/NuTrek
WORD COUNT: 100. Because it's a drabble. DRABBLE NERD SAYS WHAT?
RATING: G. Wait. What?
DISCLAIMER: Hot Fuzz belongs to the boys and girls at Rogue and Big Talk and their friends. Star Trek belongs to...it still belongs to Paramount, right? The important thing is, neither of them are mine.
PROPS: To viedma 'cause it was her idea.


Ensign Manny Dairyman knew, when he looked across the briefing table into Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott’s eyes, that his transfer to the Engineering section of the U.S.S. Enterprise would change not just his career, but his whole life.

Nicholas came up behind him. “Ready?”

“Nothin’!” Danny hit the little X at the top right of the screen. “Just e-mail. You ready?”

“You really want Star Trek again?”

“Nothing else on,” Danny said casually.

Was that suspicion in Nicholas’ eyes? “True.”

Surely nothing escaped Scotty’s brilliant gaze – surely not Dairyman’s sudden surge of emotion…

I gotta remember that, thought Danny. Brilliant.

TITLE: Drabble: Straight to voicemail
FANDOM: Hot Fuzz
WORD COUNT: 100. Because it's a drabble.
RATING: PG fer the cussin'
DISCLAIMER: Hot Fuzz belongs to the boys and girls at Rogue.


You have six new messages.

“OH MY GOD NICHOLAS ADVANCED DRIVING IS THE BEST THING EV — oh fuck that’s not—”

You have five new messages.

“Mornspare. Nferggit wermin Saxadday.”

You have four new messages.

“AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA I JUST LEARNED — ‘course I’m not using the phone while—"

You have three new messages.

“Have you got Prince Albert in — fuck, Andy! Now you’ve fucked it up!”

You have two new messages.

“I got to stay another day an’ review basic safety. Sorry. Want anything from HMV?”

You have one new message.

“THIS IS BRILLIANT! CAN I TAKE THE CYCLING COURSE?”

Stolen from goddesdster, who got it from Agnes lynnez59. Spot the joke stolen from Q.E.D.

Try to write all the different categories of fanfic (angst, fluff, UST, bromance...can you think of others?) in 10 words or less.


Angst
What am I going to tell my son? Tony thought.


Fluff [ I...I still don't understand what the hell fluff is. Help?]
"Have you never hoovered under this bed?"
"Don't know."


UST
"Get a look at his arse!"
Heeyeahhhhhhhh, Danny thought.


Bromance
"Guhboysax!"
Wag.


Hurt/Comfort
"S'all right, Andy, it's just--oh fuck..."
"I got you."


Adventure
"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"
"Where'd you learn to drive bulldozers?"
"Bloke in a pub."


Smut
Nicholas' eyes were HUGE. Danny grinned wickedly and carried on.


Humor
"Get him drunk enough, he'll imitate Kermit the Frog."
"Mum!"

Hot Fuzz is in the LJ crack_van this month, with goddessdster at the wheel.

Wear your seat belts. It's the law.

http://community.livejournal.com/crack_van/3472665.html

Just. Go. Read. GO READ IT YOU BASTARDS!
http://community.livejournal.com/sandfordpolice/370954.html

TITLE: Drabble: The Council Want a Makeover
FANDOM: Hot Fuzz
WORD COUNT: 100. Because it's a drabble.
RATING: PG
DISCLAIMER: Hot Fuzz belongs to the boys and girls at Rogue.



Entries in the Sandford Citizen's “New Motto for Sandford” contest, 2007:

Beautiful. Deadly. Dull as Fuck.
Always look on the bright side of life.
Worse things happen at sea.
Where the bodies are buried.
You can't say you weren't warned.
As seen on CNN.
The Community that Scares
Now 75% less evil.
They really are accidents now.
Leave alive or your money cheerfully refunded.
It puts the lotion on its skin.
None of those bloody annoying Jane Austen fans like you get at Bath.
Gateway to Buford Abbey.
It won't happen again.

No winner has been chosen. The search continues.

TITLE: The Silent Partner
FANDOM: Hot Fuzz
AUTHOR: annlarimer
WORD COUNT: Oh, call it 600.
RATING: PG for (all together now) the cussin'!
WARNINGS: Movie spoilers, American spelling
SUMMARY: Woad is a funny word.
NOTES: Crit is love.
DISCLAIMER: Hot Fuzz belongs to Rogue and Universal and all those guys.

Like some avenging...angel, the swan appeared in the rear-view mirror, looking very, very shirty.

The swan hissed -- and, Frank Butterman could have sworn, laughed -- and made a lunge for his face.

( more... )

TITLE: Mr. Staker's Holiday
FANDOM: Hot Fuzz
AUTHOR: phosfate and viedma
WORD COUNT: Lots, like...whoah, 9,700.
RATING: PG for goddamn swearing, violence
WARNINGS: Movie spoilers, American spelling, writers who think they're fucking hilarious. Contains peanuts.
SUMMARY: Bread. Bread. BREAD BREAD BREADBREADBREADBREADBREADBREAD!
NOTES: Crit is love.
DISCLAIMER: Hot Fuzz belongs to breadbread Rogue and bread bread bread. Bread. No infringeBREAD! BREAD! BREADBREADBREADBREAD!tendedBREAD!


Mr. Staker's Holiday

When you looked at it a certain way, the whole thing was Nicholas Angel's fault. If not for him, Sandford, Gloucestershire would not be on its third police station in as many years, and the village's swan population would not be Britain's highest per capita.

"That boy," Andy Wainwright said later, "Is wound too tight."

It started like this.

Nicholas was no longer the ticking time bomb of no one was quite sure what that he had once been, but he was, as Danny Butterman said, always thinking away. Even in his sleep.

Late one night -- or rather, very early one morning -- Nicholas suddenly woke, sat bolt upright, and said, to no one in particular, "Swans don't honk. Swans do not honk!" continued on Ann's LJ, since Mary's a bit shy.

TITLE: A Boy's Book of Practical Magic to Mystify, Baffle and Entertain
FANDOM: Hot Fuzz
AUTHOR: annlarimer
WORD COUNT: Approximately 2,950 British Standard Words^TM. Some settling may occur.
RATING: PG for goddamn swearing
WARNINGS: Movie spoilers, DVD extra spoilers, American spelling
SUMMARY: For this trick, he'll need a volunteer from the pavement. You, sir, the man with the fucking enormous knife in your chest! Don't be shy, now.
NOTES: Crit is love.
DISCLAIMER: Hot Fuzz belongs to those damn punk kids at RogueCorpCo.


The NWA were some of the strangest customers the Crown Prosecution Service had ever dealt with. They were monsters all, few showing even a little remorse or regret, except perhaps for having been caught. But they were friendly, cooperative monsters.

None of them denied what they had done, and any confusion over who had done what and when arose from spotty memories, rather than attempts at concealment or shifting of blame. Some of them helpfully provided diaries. Continued at my LJ

Title: Mornspare
Fandom: Hot Fuzz. For zeddish's "I think we all need to just sit down and fucking smile" fluff challenge.
Rating: PG for the cussin'. Actually there may not be cussing in this. I'm not reading it again to check. It's morning, and they haven't had their tea, and it takes a while to work up to really good cussing.
Summary: Bob Walker uses voicemail. Shaka, when the walls fell.
Author's Notes: There's a bit in "Five Things that Never Happened in Sandford, Gloucestershire" where Bob Walker tells Nicholas and Danny that "Argrafollyerbs." They look at him blankly. I knew exactly what "Argrafollyerbs" meant when I wrote it. By the time the story got to final draft I had no idea at all.
Disclaimer: Narrrrrr, Hoffuzznahmeyne. Sroagsfuzz, anegarnseymanallmayid.



"Agrafollyerbs. Argrafollyerbs." ( yareljcutcliggit )

TITLE: The Man with the Stick*
FANDOM: Hot Fuzz
WORD COUNT: 100. Because it's a GODDAMN DRABBLE.
RATING: PG
DISCLAIMER: Hot Fuzz belongs to the nice folks at Rogue




Andy and Andy are friends.

They like beer and philosophy.

Tonight, with beer, their topic for philosophical debate is:

How large is the stick up Nicholas Angel's arse?

It is very large.

It is so large that Nicholas calls his Mum 'sir.'

It is so large that Nicholas' dog was called 'Mr. Dog.'

It is so large that, after sex, Nicholas writes Danny Butterman polite notes:

"Dear Mr. Butterman:
This is to acknowledge receipt of last night's sex.
With sincere best wishes,
N. Angel"

That, says Andy, is one massively large arsestick.

It is, Andy agrees.

Then they go home.







_{*Ooo, Nick, I've fallen over}

TITLE: June 30th
FANDOM: Hot Fuzz and Doctor Who
AUTHOR: annlarimer
WORD COUNT: a touch under 4000
RATING: PG fer cussin' and violence
WARNINGS: American spelling
SPOILERS: Minor riff on "The Fires of Pompeii"
SUMMARY: "I have a sword, and I'm really quite angry."
NOTES: Crit is love.
DISCLAIMER: I no has Fuzzburger. I no has Docburger! Is Rogue's Fuzzburger! Is Beeb's Docburger!

( MOAR )

Go visit calathea's place for a lovely Fuzz ficlet:

http://calathea.livejournal.com/261703.html and scroll a bit.

(Found via del.icio.us, pimped with permission.)

http://www.journalfen.net/users/koshiroryuu/5790.html

Pui wrote me a birthday fic. Awesomeness!

TITLE: Stars Fall on Sandford
FANDOM: Hot Fuzz
AUTHOR: annlarimer
WORD COUNT: 4,000
RATING: PG fer the cussin', and shit blows up
SUMMARY: Nicholas Angel, Destroyer of Worlds
NOTES: Crit is love. Story notes at the end.
DISCLAIMER: I not has Fuzzburger.


It was a lovely spring evening in Sandford. Clear and calm, just a bit warmer than was usual for the time of year.

Danny Butterman stepped out into the yard behind the new police station, momentarily silhouetted in the light that spilled out from inside. Party noises leaked out with the light -- pre-party, really, until the squad were off duty and could reconvene at the pub -- then muted as he closed the door. He stretched a bit, and looked up at the sky. ( more )

TITLE: Lambs
FANDOM: Hot Fuzz
AUTHOR: annlarimer
WORD COUNT: 1,300ish
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: For the sandfordpolice Valentine's Day Hot Fuzz Challenge: _{"1. As per usual, any pairing allowed. / 2. In the spirit of the holiday, fic must include chocolate syrup! / 3. In the spirit of Sandford, fic MUST be set at 1) the Castle; 2) the pub; or 3) a sheep farm (pick one of the three). / 4. FINALLY: Fic MUST include Danny as CUPID -- acting as cupid, dressing as cupid, whatever. Danny = cupid."}
WARNINGS: American spelling, mild spoilers.
NOTES: Annie aka thebirdmachine posted a lovely story a few days back called "Love Hearts," which pretty much cemented the Andys and candy hearts together in my head forever. I've never eaten one of the things, what with living in the wrong country, but they sound better than Necco Conversation Hearts. Pleh, pleh, I say to Necco Conversation Hearts. Pleh.
DISCLAIMER: The Fuzz don't belong to me, as you know.
ARCHIVE: Please ask first.


"I fuckin' hate fuckin' sheep so fuckin' much," said Andy Wainwright. ( more )

TITLE: Curse of the Cuddly Monkey!
FANDOM: Hot Fuzz
AUTHOR: annlarimer
WORD COUNT: 4,400ish
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: "It tasted kind of like gardening."
WARNINGS: Choking hazard, American spelling, spoilers.
NOTES: I likes me some C&C. Stay tuned for a bonus deleted scene after the credits!
DISCLAIMER: They don't belong to me, as you know.
ARCHIVE: Please ask first.


His heart was small and hard and black, made from a bit of clay stamped with arcane symbols. He didn't know where he'd come from, or how old he was, but he did know his purpose.

When Reverend Shooter opened the carton and freed him from the plastic bag, he'd been elated. A man of God! What could be better? But it quickly became clear that there was nothing he could do to the man that the good Reverend hadn't already done to himself.
( more )