So after it being on my DVR for two weeks, I finally watched Shoot 'Em Up.

I've decided the most ridiculous, godawful part was where Clive Owen stuck bullets between his broken fingers, stuck his hand over the fireplace, and somehow shot said bullets off into the bearded menace from Tech Support, Paul Giamatti.

Or it could have been when Owen rescued the baby from the merry-go-round and the baby did not snap into two bloody pieces or get its head smashed in. Centripetal force is not to be taken lightly.

Or perhaps it was the very end, when Owen 1) shot off a robber's extended middle finger 2) shot same robber strategically so his reflexes would shoot another robber in his diseased foot and 3) managed to only explode a fatty's sundae, instead the bullet going through the sundae and killing the guy.

Or maybe I should have expected all of these wonders and more when Owen stuck a carrot through a guy's skull. Seriously, what the fuck were up with those carrots?

On the plus side, Monica Bellucci has practically perfect features. On the down side, the image of Giamatti groping a dead woman's breast will never, ever cease to torment me.

Michael Davis, what the actual fuck is wrong with you?